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Thread: Ask a GG - Part Two

  1. #301
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Maybe someone might run like that in heels . BUT Iíve never ever saw anyone run like that.
    I did read somewhere ( France I believe) ran a marathon in 3 in heels.i hope she did not run like that .lol
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  2. #302
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    Iím sticking a link up to the commercial from which your picture came, Kelly, because it actually is a pretty good answer to your question.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qtDMyGjYlMg

  3. #303
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    My very best friend, a GG, suggested to me in a text:

    "it seems like you don't want to be tg
    "Only female
    "And to fit in.

    I kinda think I understand what she was saying....that "inside" I want to be able to live and be accepted as a woman. And yet, I am very aware that I am biologically not female, I grew up socialized as male and repressing whatever the heck I am, and I don't have a ghost of a chance of passing.

    As is often the case, her observations got me thinking about what "fitting in" might mean. I know I am more comfortable hanging with female friends in either mode. I really don't socialize with males, outside of the family.

    Is "fitting in" realistically attainable?
    Last edited by kimdl93; 06-23-2019 at 04:56 PM.
    New state, new home, new pics in process

  4. #304
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    Oh, kimdl93, Iím a cis woman, and I donít ďfit inĒ with all women, or even most, although that doesnít preclude having interesting conversations of course. Women have the same range of personal histories, temperaments, political preferences, aesthetic choices as men do... many of which are just as or more important to us than our gender. Iím sure you do know and understand this, you are just understandably focused on the gender part of your identity at the moment.

    So no, you will never ďfit inĒ with ďwomenĒ as a group, no woman could possibly do that either. But if you mean will being trans always rub at your awareness, like a newly chipped tooth your tongue wants to play with - well, Iím not trans, but I doubt it. Iím sure you will find friends, including cis women, where your transness will just be a part of your identity that no one, including you, thinks about unless it comes up. In fact, it sounds like that might already be happening, itís just that being trans is, understandably, at the forefront of your awareness right now.

    Most people identify as either women or men, so your current situation where you switch between identities ( I think from your posts that this is what you are doing? ) will probably make your trans identity more unusual, and also mean your experiences remain even further than those of most women. But even if you decide to stay like this forever, you will still find groups where this is both accepted and comfortable.
    Last edited by MoGG; 06-24-2019 at 12:35 AM.

  5. #305
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kelly DeWinter View Post
    OK, Serious question. Why do women run like women in tippy toes, arms slightly out, hands out at 45 degree angle, yet at a sports event they run like
    (this is not PC)
    ….. well like men. If a man would run like women do outside of sports events they would be called gay. This was a real lunch conversation today.
    Women in sports don't run like men. They run like women. I think you refer to stereotypes in the first part of your description. Everyone knows the stereotypes, including GGs, but in reality we don't run like that. Or, maybe in a movie once you saw an older, out of shape woman trying to run in heels?

    Watch this:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjJQBjWYDTs

    Also try to notice regular women jogging in your neighborhood and you'll see that no one "runs like a girl".


    EDIT
    I see that MoGG posted the same link I did. Kelly, maybe you can watch the video twice!




    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post

    Is "fitting in" realistically attainable?
    I think so. I have a number of male friends that I feel close to and can talk to for hours. I don't think that a person's sex should be a barrier to close friendships. The millennial generation has found that out. My kids have a number of close relationships with both sexes.

    And I'll also echo MoGG. I "fit in" with people I feel comfortable with. I don't fit in with a number of crowds, whose lifestyles or values don't mesh well with mine, be they men or women.
    Last edited by ReineD; 06-24-2019 at 11:25 PM.
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  6. #306
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    My apologies, I do understand that men run like men and women run alike women in sports and jogging, which are generally the same fists closed arms, arms pumping close to body, body leaning forward.

    but ....

    and my photo was an exaggerated example of a different type of running that some women use outside of sports.

    Another example we were watching Alan Quartermain and the Lost City of Gold . In one scene Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone were running from a lion. Chamberlain was running like a sprinter and Stone was running with hands up palms out, yes its a movie and the director might have suggested it.

    I was just wondering if the second type of running is a mannerism.

    Thanks for the replies. I'll be quiet now.
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  7. #307
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Sorry Kelly,

    I think that maybe the "run" you refer to is something "forced" for some kind effect. Obviously, the movie you referred to, is going to have a lady do a "sensationalized" run; not real life. Some ladies/girls may run like that to be funny. I still stand by my last statement; I have never seen a woman run like that unless they were imitating someone else.

  8. #308
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kelly DeWinter View Post
    yes its a movie and the director might have suggested it.
    Movies aren't real life, Kelly. Really you should just look closely the next time you see an average, every-day woman jogging.
    Reine

  9. #309
    Member BTWimRobin's Avatar
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    Hello Ladies,

    Since I've been out to my wife about my desires to dress, I have noticed that she never initiates a conversation about my dressing. I am the one who will bring up the subject. I know she is still trying to come to terms with all this and just wishes it will go away. I sometimes feel that I am walking on eggshells when I approach the subject.

    My question is do you initiate conversations with your spouse about his crossdressing? Also how long did it take after his coming out to you before you felt comfortable enough to talk openly about it?

    Thanks for your input.
    Robin

  10. #310
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Our case is different as we met here and I met Sherlyn first so always knew.We both were mods here and Sher was free to be herself always. So we always talked ....it was just our life .It was not about cding really but us as a couple . We would talk about what we might wear to a event but it was about us.

    But will say from many years being a Fab mod and in real life I had a support group that met once a month for local GGs.
    Be careful you are not constantly bringing it up. I know many times when one finally comes out to their partner they just want more more more. But remember it prob took you years to wrap around it i your mind .....and Iím guessing your wife is just recent in knowing. Give her time and if it does seem like she just wants to bury it......ask her is there anything you want to ask or talk about Cding.

    I wish I had a nickel for how many times I heard over the years. Thatís all my hubby wants to talk about everything is about cding . Itís all about him him him.

    Not saying you do that ..... but just be aware.

    I would try and tell GGs itís because your hubby hid all these years and now you know they let the flood gates open....itís natural. But it just makes them feel overwhelmed....so like others say here baby steps and I say make it about the both of you .


    One more thing I want to ADD! Iím guessing you never told her before marriage and she could make a decision on this....she might embrace it and she might not.And nothing wrong if she doesnít ....thatís on you. If this does not apply to your situation ....this is for others reading this.....itís not going away be upfront better to figure out before marriage so you do not have this conflict. Much better to share your life openly from the beginning.
    Last edited by Di; 07-04-2019 at 08:46 AM. Reason: Make clearer
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  11. #311
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Hi Robin,

    Sorry for my confusion but, I'm not sure what you are expecting your wife to say? Or what do you want say to her? I am curious what there is about cross dressing that you want to discuss. Is it the clothes? Are you waiting for her to ask you to cross dress for her? You donít have to answer me. Just be clear with yourself what you really want her to do.

    It took me a while to get on board with my husband's CDing because he only started six years ago. But now, we just have everyday conversations. Talking about clothes just to talk about them gets old and boring really fast (for me). If something comes up related to CDing, like talking about one of his CD Facebook friends, we might discuss it. When we are go out someplace together and he's cross dressed, then we just get ready and go. If we go shopping, it's usually "yes, that looks good" or "noooo, ugly!". Really not a lot of CD conversations come up in our day to day life.

    Di makes a really good point. I will say that many of the CDers I have met from my husband's social group want to be the center of attention and have life revolve around them. Take care not to overwhelm your wife with your program.

    I hope I answered your question.
    Last edited by char GG; 07-03-2019 at 11:03 PM.

  12. #312
    Member BTWimRobin's Avatar
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    Hi Char and Di.

    Thank you for your replies. I think I am not going to let this bother me. I've only been out to her for a couple of months. She honestly doesn't understand why women want to wear woman's clothing let alone understand why her husband does. Quite frankly, j have no idea why j want to either. I'll continue to take it slowly and see where it goes. Thanks again.
    Robin

  13. #313
    Senior Member Amy Lynn3's Avatar
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    I have a thread going in the Clothing and Beauty forum about Charcoal Bars for facial washing. I ask for advise about the use and quality of those bars, but with little results. My next thought is to come here and ask the gg's to maybe log into my thread and comment on my question. I'm sure some of you ladies can give expert advise on the usage of them, unless it is giving away top secret information. hehe

  14. #314
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Sorry Amy Lynn, I have never tried Charcoal Bars. I've looked at them but did not feel the need to try anything different than my typical routine. It's my understanding that they are for oily or blemish prone skin. If that is your skin type, it may be worth a try.

  15. #315
    Silver Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Trust, Iíve lost it with my wife and would like to get at least some of it back.
    I came out to my wife over 5 years ago and in the beginning it was all ok as long as I kept it in house with no friends or family finding out. No problem with that and it never has. Earlier this year my wife found out I was on this site, she has been a mess over this. She has told me, you know itís the internet. Just last week she started to talk about this side of me which is very rare. She told me I lied to her by keeping this part of me quiet for so long, we have been married for many years. She told me I have my ďfriends ď to talk to and she has nobody. Believe me I tried to get her to join here and talk with you ladies. The by far biggest issue is the lack of trust in me. When we got married I had already suppressed this part of me and continued to do so for many years, successfully I thought. We all know this will never go away but I did not know that. I knew she would not like me being on any site like this so that was the reason I never mentioned it. Like I said I was already out to her about my desire to cross dress, which she of course also does not understand.
    Will it ever be possible to gain some amount of trust with my wife again? This is something that has caused issues since early this year.
    Crissy

  16. #316
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Wow Crissy,

    Everyone relationship is different so not knowing you or your wife, it's hard to know if her lost trust will ever be regained. At this point, you are in an uphill battle.

    She may be anxious about you being on line, especially if she hasn't visited our site. My husband didn't start CDing until six years ago. His first on line site was "Date A Crossdresser" which was really pretty horrible as far as I was concerned. Even the name of the site was alarming. When he came to CDer.com, I thought it was more of the same. However, I found this site to be very helpful, after I was able to weed out what I considered fetishists and alarmists (that took some time).

    I understand her reluctance to join us but if she is willing to take the step to join us, she may find answers or be able to vent since she does have anyone to talk to. It's hard to be alone and sometimes, as a wife, our own thoughts can be our worst enemies.

    At this point, you are what I would consider to be recovery mode. Tell her you love her often. Make sure you are always honest in the future. Hopefully, your honesty will positively answer questions that linger in her mind. She probably still has many festering concerns that need to be talked about. Since she doesn't have anyone she can talk to, maybe she would consider seeing a therapist, as a couple or by herself, familiar with gender concerns.

    I wish you both the best.
    Last edited by char GG; 07-06-2019 at 06:11 AM.

  17. #317
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Amy Lynn, I have very sensitive fair skin so I do not try or interested in something so harsh.

    Crissy,
    Just do not hide anything anymore ( I doubt you do)
    And remember
    When you first started this relationship, trust was not immediate. Trust has to be earned over time. It is natural that when trust is broken, it will take some time to repair. So give it time .
    I hope she will understand this forum helps you and maybe she will join us.
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  18. #318
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    Amy, never tried them I am afraid so can't comment on them. Every skin type is different with different needs and to make it even more complicated, male and female skin is different as well. You have to test things yourself to see if it agrees with you.
    Crissy, it's interesting, I actually had this conversation with my bf a couple of months ago. In the past, I had a 100% trust in him as he had proven repeatedly that he wouldn't purposely try to mess me about. He did something that shook that belief and took him quite a while to regain my trust. But the ceiling at that point had dropped to 75-80%, meaning I would never trust him again at 100%. Then cding happened, now I don't trust him and whatever he does, it will never get above 50%. Which means this relationship will never be the kind you can invest your life on. We are lucky since we don't live together and the reframing of our relationship doesn't affect our every day lives. I can't tell you what to do to regain her trust as it is individual to her beliefs and morals. But I can tell you what NOT to do: hide anything. Anything and everything you do, give her a heads up. A "I am thinking of doing this, or the other, what do you think?" This is not asking for permission, it's asking for opinion. The problem with low trust in any relationship is that when you don't trust someone, you are no longer bound by a sense of loyalty and honesty to them. And then, anything goes. In your relationship, where you are married and loyalty should be essential in order for the partnership to work efficiently, including your partner in every step of your cding, or any matter really, is a must. You wouldn't have bought an expensive car or gone away for a week with your friends without discussing it with her first, right? As she wouldn't be able to do that either. Build trust by treating your wife as you should, a life partner whose opinion matters to you. Don't unilaterally decide on issues, even if you think they are personal issues. Because if she did the same, trust me, you wouldn't like it one bit. Do to others as you want done to yourself. The golden rule of life

  19. #319
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BTWimRobin View Post
    Since I've been out to my wife about my desires to dress, I have noticed that she never initiates a conversation about my dressing. I am the one who will bring up the subject.
    ... do you initiate conversations with your spouse about his crossdressing? Also how long did it take after his coming out to you before you felt comfortable enough to talk openly about it?
    I'll echo Di & Char. What is it that you want her to talk about specifically. Talking about clothes is boring, other than expressing a like or a dislike for a particular item, if you're planning on making a purchase and you want her opinion. But, you'd need to show her the picture first and so you'd be bringing it up. If you want her to ask questions about your CDing wants and needs, you need to ask her if she has any questions and respect her answer if she says no. If you want her approval, you might ask her how she feels about the CDing. If you want her permission to buy things or have an outing, you need to ask her and go from there, otherwise, just buy the item and/or go out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Amy Lynn3 View Post
    I'm sure some of you ladies can give expert advise on the usage of them, unless it is giving away top secret information. hehe
    Sorry but I've never heard of them. Charcoal bars aren't common items in the skincare aisle at the grocery store or the pharmacy. I can only have an inkling about things I see on the shelf and if I want to know more about a certain product then I google it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crissy 107 View Post
    Will it ever be possible to gain some amount of trust with my wife again? This is something that has caused issues since early this year.
    Your wife is probably wondering how far you plan to take this and it can feel like a time bomb. First it's occasional dressing at home with nobody knowing. Then it's reaching out to a community on the internet. She may be wondering what's next ... wanting to dress out in public and then possibly coming out to some friends and family? And if so, would this lead to everyone else knowing, and then perhaps a desire to dress all the time? Or, she may be wondering if you're wanting to meet men online.

    I would take some time to decide how far you want to take this in an ideal world. Also determine what your limits are. Growing out your hair and nails? Hormones? Surgeries? Dates with men or becoming friends with other CDers that you can go out with? Who would you like to tell. Do you want to expand your wardrobe. Do you want to shave your body. Do you want to go out regularly dressed and if so, when and where. And then be honest with your wife.

    You don't need to respond here, the answers don't really matter to us. But, if your wife knows what your goals and limits are, there should be no more surprises and it will be easier to reestablish trust.

    Also, confused_cathreen has a great point. If you are making decisions to expand your CDing world without involving your wife beforehand, she may feel as if she comes second to the CDing.
    Last edited by ReineD; 07-08-2019 at 01:31 PM.
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  20. #320
    Member Ronnie38's Avatar
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    Talking with my wife last night brought up a problem. Some of the things I do or wear make her uncomfortable but she has been keeping them to herself so as not to hurt my feelings. Now I feel really guilty. I know that I need to sit and talk with her but I am not sure where to start. On top of that, I have started to feel more open and honest with the freedoms i have and have been more accepting of who I am and don't want to give those things up. But, if I'm hurting her by doing them, and she's not telling me? I don't want to give up this side of me but at the same time I don't want her to be uncomfortable around me. I'm not sure of how to approach her with this. I don't want to put myself back in the closet but I don't want to drag her through this if it truly makes her uncomfortable.

  21. #321
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    Letís start with the important part of your post: Guilt. A completely useless emotion in my book because it is not constructive. It doesnít stop you from doing something but it doesnít make you do something either. The only thing that it does is it freezes you, unable to take action. I approach things with the ďI will always try to do the best in every situation after I have considered all the parametersĒ, hope for the best and if it doesnít work out, learn from my mistake and not repeat it. So straight off the bat, stop feeling guilty, it wonít help in finding a solution.

    What this post tells me is that you have gone into this with no boundaries laid out agreed by both. Is that true? Did you really have full freedom to CD in any way and she agreed to tell you if something was bothering her after the fact? If that was true, then she dropped the ball because she had made a commitment to be open about her feelings and she didnít follow through. If that is not true, and there was no discussion but you thought itís fine since she is not saying anything, then you dropped the ball. You know your wife. Is she the kind of person who accommodates everyoneís wishes, even if itís not the best for her? How much effort did you actually put into communicating about this subject? From your ďI know that I need to sit and talk with her but I am not sure where to startĒ sentence, I figure you didnít put much effort into it at all. You need to look into yourself, not for the benefit of this post. Have you REALLY gone out of your way to talk to your wife? If the answer to that is, I think I could have done better, then you certainly havenít. A thing that I have noticed after a year in this forum is that CDers seem to forget that this is only important to them. The standard out-of-the￾box variety of straight wife does not think the way you do. You want something that is not of the garden variety, that in most cases, your wife didnít go out actively to look for it. So it really is your responsibility to figure out a way to incorporate into your lives. The first step is always to sit down, on a stress-free day, with no interruptions expected and hatch a plan together. Get the pen and paper out. Write it down.

    I will say something here and ignore it, if you like. If you go into this discussion with a ďbut I donít want to give up X,Y and Z!!Ē attitude, you already failed. Donít ever forget that when you live with someone, they donít HAVE to agree to anything. Just because you thought a 60 feet boat is a good idea, doesnít mean she will agree to getting it. Week off with the lads every 6 months? Neither that. Replace CDing with literally any issue that our partners donít understand or have any interest in, and the same rules apply. So you WILL give up some things. What those are, are pretty much up for negotiation. She might be ok with you doing X,Y and Z that she finds uncomfortable away from her and once every 6 months or so. But more importantly, encourage her to open up about her objections. Ask questions. Donít just sit there like a visitor in this conversation. This concerns you both. Actually, it concerns you more than her so it is in your best interest to go above and beyond, in terms of communication. Find the root of the problem. Ultimately, like in 99% of the situations I have seen here, it all comes down to communication. Donít get fooled into a false sense of security, just because she isnít saying anything. Off the top of my head, Rhonda Jean and Kim come to mind. They dropped the ball in the communication game and lost their partners. I am sure there are many more. Donít be a statistic. Up your game substantially and play it smart. Good luck.

  22. #322
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Ronnie,
    She loves you and wants you to feel loved and many of us are guilty of that.
    So did not speak up and it looks like you did not communicate with her either.
    But now you know .........you can fix this.
    AND do not just let this go....
    If things bother her ....do not let things get where she feels that itís all about you and her feelings donít matter.Because now you know SOME things bother her ....find out what things.
    Talk to her
    Tell her you love her and you can figure this out together.
    Best Wishes
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  23. #323
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    The other ladies have really commented on what I see is the real problem. Communication.

    Some of the things I do or wear make her uncomfortable but she has been keeping them to herself so as not to hurt my feelings
    You don't have to answer me...but ask your wife and then talk about what her thoughts are. What are you wearing that bothers her? Is it everything, some things, one thing, overall look? Is your goal just to wear something feminine or do you dress in a fetish way? Do you want to go to bed dressed feminine? Communicate.

    She obviously loves you because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Don't let what she says hurt your feelings. Listen constructively. She is entitled to her opinions just as you are. If you want some kind of compromise, you have to communicate.

    There are always alternatives but you both have to be willing to (here's that word again) communicate.

    I hope you have a happy resolution to your situation.

  24. #324
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ronnie38 View Post
    Some of the things I do or wear make her uncomfortable but she has been keeping them to herself so as not to hurt my feelings.
    As the other ladies have pointed out, the two of you need to communicate better. You might want to point out that it is difficult to navigate the CDing in most marriages, and so open and honest communication is crucial for both partners to be happy. Thoughts or impressions that are not communicated openly can very easily grow into resentments and this will eventually poison your relationship.

    That said, I can offer some thoughts on what your wife may feel uncomfortable with based on my own experiences and those of the countless GGs I have seen pass through here over the years. But keep in mind, these are only some of the things that some GGs have experienced and there is no way for me to know what your wife is bothered with exactly. She will ultimately need to feel safe enough with you to open up. And yes, if you and your wife do open up to one another, you may find less freedom to do what you've been doing. It will be your choice as to whether the CDing is more important to you ... or your wife.

    Things that can make a wife feel uncomfortable:

    1. An overly girly presentation (compared to how most women dress), or not dressing appropriate for your age. This suggests dressing for fetish, and few wives are able to compete with their husband's fetishes for their love and attention.

    2. An overly sexualized presentation (body hugging clothes, short skirts, high heels, low necklines, etc). Again, this suggests dressing for fetish. Or, have you begun wearing breast forms and booty pads in recent months or years? If so, your wife may be wondering why you want a woman's body.

    3. Mannerisms while you are dressed, such as sashaying while walking, limp wrists or holding a pinkie out while drinking coffee, excessive giggling, just generally prancing about, which you would not do in guy mode. Any mannerism is not natural.

    4. Ramping it up beyond what your wife expected. Are you buying more clothes, wearing more makeup, spending more time wanting to dress, spending more time online window-shopping or CD-related sites, growing out your hair, your nails, are you shaving more of your body or plucking your eyebrows? If you have ramped it up, she may be wondering if it will end with you wanting to be a girl or wanting to dress full or near full time. She may feel as if she is losing her husband.

    5. If one or more of items 1-4 apply to you, your wife may be wondering if you are beginning to fantasize about men.

    6. If you seem distracted when you are not dressed, or if you seem happier when you are dressed than when you are not, your wife may sense that you would rather be dressing than doing whatever it is you are doing. This can make a wife question her husband's priorities.

    7. Isolation. Are you wanting to do less and less with past hobbies and friends, in favor of more CD-related activities?
    Last edited by ReineD; Yesterday at 02:04 AM.
    Reine

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