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Thread: Ask a GG - Part Two

  1. #251
    Senior Member faltenrock's Avatar
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    Hi GG's. I've a question for you.
    First I want to thank all of you that you're here on this forum with help, understanding, support and your openesss.

    I'm from Germany, this week will be very hot and I have to travel for some business and as usually use the time in between for my dressing and going out.
    I feel most comfortable wearing a hose with my dresses and skirts. I received many compiments for my legs in the past. However I do have hair on my legs, they are not very many and pretty thin and light color. Whenever I go out, I shave only the area around my knees and above.
    I shorten and thin out the hairs downwards the knees to have them much less visible.

    I'm married and my wife knows all about my dressing and is tolerating - not really happy with it, I don't blame her.

    Now, what would you recommend doing with my legs when it will be in the 90's this week. A pantyhose will be pretty hot, as my wig. Should I just not worry about the hairs on my legs and walk with confidence, shave more or wear a hose??

    I've done that before, actually last year in London during a trip. I was with bare legs for about three hours when I finally put on my hose, mostly because it got a little colder.

    Thank you soo much

    Kind regards

    Doreen

  2. #252
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Doreen,
    Hello my take on it would be just to shave your legs unless you have compromised with your wife not to. It’s hot here in Texas a lot more than I’m used to in Canada and I find I never wear panty hose here.
    I’m very fair so I put on some self tan lotion .
    If you can’t completely shave .....just own it and not worry.
    I enjoy checking out all your fun adventures!
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  3. #253
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Hi Doreen,
    I agree with Di. I don't wear hose in the summer. If your wife is agreeable, and you don't like the feeling of your legs encased like sausages, just go with bare legs.

    As for a wig, my SO has a wig that is called "mesh cap, hand tied", that has a lot more air that flows through it. He loves it in the summer.

    Have fun on your adventures. (We are still waiting for the temperatures to even reach 80 in Michigan).
    Last edited by char GG; 06-03-2019 at 08:05 AM.

  4. #254
    Aspiring Member Kelli_cd's Avatar
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    This could go in Tips to an SOs Acceptance as well as here, I guess.
    I got careless tonight. And now I'm not in the closet any more, but I may well be in the doghouse.
    I changed clothes after work and picked out my bra and panties for tomorrow. And proceeded to leave them out on the bathroom counter. My wife brought them down to me and asked, What's this? I said, It's mine. "Are you a crossdresser?" I weakly answered, "kind of, sort of." Shame on me for not owning and saying, Yes.
    She replied, Well, that's better than an affair, and went back upstairs.
    So, I know the talk and questions are coming. I've spent a lot of time thinking of what I would say, not expecting I would ever need to, though. I know she's going to feel betrayed by my dishonesty, and feel hurt, and I don't know what else?
    I know I need to be just as open and honest as I can when the questions come, and I intend to be open and answer everything.
    I guess I'm wondering what questions will she ask that I haven't thought of and anticipate?
    I don't feel relieved yet, that she knows, but I hope that comes to me.
    GG's, please pass along words of advice, if you have any.

  5. #255
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    Hi Kelli,

    This is going to depend on your particular relationship dynamics, but unless you are extremely open I think an important thing to remember is it might take her a while to lead up to the really difficult questions, if they are ever stated outright.

    You might expect questions about how and why you cross dress, where you cross dress, your orientation ( yes, most cross dressers are straight but if you are researching online you won’t get that impression), what else have you been hiding from her, maybe some broader stuff about gender.

    The big questions, that never might get said outright, are usually do you really love and want me? Do I still love and want you? I’m not talking about questioning your sexual orientation here, although she might, but wondering whether your erotic focus is on her at all, how separate your erotic and romantic life is from the one she thought she shared with you, whether she herself still finds you attractive. It doesn’t usually break up a long term relationship but she might take a while to work out how she feels

    Be prepared for questions that don’t come as questions. Eg. Women who state they are upset that their husband looks hotter than them in a dress or “my clothes suit you better than me” are usually looking for reassurance that you still find them attractive - I don’t want to assume you would, but a lot of people seem to take that as the straight-forward compliment that it isn’t.

    You seem to be going into this with a good spirit and you know she wasn’t immediately horrified or hostile. Best wishes for you both!

  6. #256
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kelli_cd View Post
    I guess I'm wondering what questions will she ask that I haven't thought of and anticipate?
    Judging by posts from other CDers who have told their wives, some common questions are:

    Do you dress this way because you are gay or are attracted to men?
    Do you want to be a woman?
    How long have you been doing this?
    How far do you see this going?
    How often do you dress or want to dress?
    Am I enough for you?

    But, we don't know your wife nor have we any idea of the quality of your relationship. We cannot anticipate all her questions or concerns. So as you said, just be honest.

    Also, don't minimize or downplay what you do or what you want to do. Nothing is worse for a wife than her husband telling her that he only likes to wear underwear occasionally, but then he slowly ramps it up to wigs/makeup/breast forms/hip pads/body shaving/pierced ears/growing finger nails/wanting to go out fully dressed/wanting to dress more often/wanting lots more clothes/etc/etc/etc. Ask yourself what you would like to do crossdressed in an ideal world, what clothes you would like to own or what look you would like to achieve, and be honest with your wife about this - even if you're not there yet.

    EDIT
    One more thing. What upset me the most was not how my SO looked while dressed compared to me, but once the floodgates opened and it seemed that my SO thought of little other than wanting to achieve a certain look, and all the purchases began to arrive at the door, I felt truly left out. I had been accustomed to being the object of desire in my prior, long-term, hetero relationship. And then all of a sudden, it seemed as if my SO's own appearance was a bigger object of desire to him than I was. When he saw pretty things in a store or online, he wanted them for himself more than he wanted to see me in them. So I competed for his attention. I bought clothes for myself that I thought he would find sexy. I tried to compete with women who were half my age (my SO was attracted to the young, beautiful woman look). This went on for years until I hit bottom with it. I realized eventually that I really had nothing to do with what or whom my SO was attracted to. And then I was happy with who I was once more.
    Last edited by ReineD; 06-05-2019 at 05:18 PM.
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  7. #257
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kelli_cd

    I weakly answered, "kind of, sort of." Shame on me for not owning and saying, Yes.
    She replied, Well, that's better than an affair, and went back upstairs.
    Hi Kelli,
    This was the perfect opening for you to come clean. I would suggest not clamming up now and waiting for her to ask questions. Take the lead and tell her what is going on. What she can imagine may be much worse than what is really happening. Reine and Mo gave you some great suggestions to start a conversation with.

  8. #258
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    The lady’s have already answered pretty much what I would have.
    But just to add please be open and honest when she brings it up again or asks questions.
    If she asks something you do not know the answer to SAY THAT.
    Don’t act like it’s only panties or whatever unless it is. Be real be honest. Because if you think that is easier now trust me in the long run it will not be.
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  9. #259
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post

    Also, don't minimize or downplay what you do or what you want to do. Nothing is worse for a wife than her husband telling her that he only likes to wear underwear occasionally, but then he slowly ramps it up to wigs/makeup/breast forms/hip pads/body shaving/pierced ears/growing finger nails/wanting to go out fully dressed/wanting to dress more often/wanting lots more clothes/etc/etc/etc. Ask yourself what you would like to do crossdressed in an ideal world, what clothes you would like to own or what look you would like to achieve, and be honest with your wife about this - even if you're not there yet.
    A hundred times this. Whatever her questions, and all the ones that the ladies asked, I asked. But the above quote is THE most important one. It is not her responsibility to know where you are going with this. It is yours. Opening up the CDing conversation isn't her responsibility either. Yours, as well. So now, it's up to you to take control and have an adult conversation about this. Make sure you know who and what you are and approach her. Even though you should have done this from the beginning, it's not too late to fix it. Honesty and openess above everything else. Good luck.

  10. #260
    Aspiring Member Robbiegirl's Avatar
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    Ladies i n your great responses to Kelli Cd I was surprised none of you asked what the panty and bra set looked like.

    I the style was the same as the wifes or if it wasn't too girly might that change the reaction ?

  11. #261
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Hi Robbiegirl,
    I don't think it mattered what the bra and panties looked like. The point was that they were her "husband's" underwear. No, I don't think it the looks of it would have changed the wife's reaction.

  12. #262
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    Hi Robbiegirl,

    In most cases I would agree with Char on this.

    However.. My husband always told me he preferred me in very plain underwear, black only, and wasn’t into lingerie. I don’t like lace and frills myself, but he was always a bit disparaging about my favourite coloured or patterned sets. So when I found his underwear set and other CD clothing ( in a situation very close to what Kelli described ) I was extremely surprised to find it was pink and uberfemme and covered with ruffles and hearts. I felt very hurt that he was either lying to me about what he did like, or ( as I imagined to myself) he didn’t think I was good enough for what he liked.

    I’m sorry to say I’m still a long way from the state of acceptance that Raine describes, although I’m trying to get there. As a reasonably conventionally attractive woman I had always assumed I was desirable to my husband - after all he married me and we have a child. I can occasionally get into bitter moods where I think, if he is primarily attracted to himself - what does he think I am in this relationship? The domestic help? A frump to make him look good? I know this is a really unhealthy way to think, but yes, this is the kind of negative spiral relationships can get into if the communication is bad.

    When I finally asked my husband why it became clear that he was just trying to conceal any signs he was into cross dressing, and he thought liking frou-frou lingerie might give him away somehow . Also, he correctly judged that I would find his taste in female clothing hideous. We can even joke about it a little. Ultimately, the style of his knickers IS irrelevant, it’s the communication that’s the problem.

  13. #263
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    Hi Robbie,
    No.

  14. #264
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robbiegirl View Post
    Ladies i n your great responses to Kelli Cd I was surprised none of you asked what the panty and bra set looked like.
    That's because it doesn't matter and we don't care.

    Quote Originally Posted by Robbiegirl View Post
    I the style was the same as the wifes or if it wasn't too girly might that change the reaction ?
    It really doesn't matter whether the style was the same as the wife's or if it was too girly or not. Bras are bras and panties are panties ... unless, as MoGG writes, the husband has jealousy issues and prefers to see his wife in "less girly" things so that he can feel "more feminine" by comparison.

    Earlier I said there was nothing worse than husbands ramping it up slowly after the original disclosure, rather than tell the truth from the onset. But I think there is one thing worse - husbands who want their wives to be less "feminine" than they are so they can feel better about themselves dressed. These husbands don't realize that clothing or underwear styles have nothing to do with any woman's inherent femininity, which resides in her sex and physical attributes and not in what comes off in the bedroom.

    Very early in my relationship with my SO, I dressed down when we went out (slacks and plain shirts) to help my SO look less "manly" in comparison to me, so as not to be read. But, when I got into wanting to compete with the young beautiful women that I later on perceived my SO was more attracted to rather than me (he kept ignoring me while staring at attractive women when we went out), I began to dress up so he would focus on me more. The first time I wore a cami under a lace blouse, my SO remarked "Wow, you're sexier than I am". Nothing was more devastating to me than that comment. First, I never saw us as being in competition with one another. Can you imagine competing with your lover to see who is most sexy? Second, it reinforced the idea that he was more the object of his own desire than I was. And I wanted him to want me more than anything else, just as I wanted him more than anything else.

    In MoGG's case, her husband simply didn't want her to know that his tastes were over-the-top, Shirley Temple girly. That's different, but still it hints at CDing as some sort of fetish vs any form of gender identity. And few GGs can compete with their husbands' fetishes when it comes to being their husbands' primary sexual desires.

    And this brings up the important question that many wives ask. "Am I enough for you", or "Am I the primary focus of your sexual desire".
    Last edited by ReineD; 06-10-2019 at 03:51 AM. Reason: Clarification. Added " First, I never saw us as being in competition with one another."
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  15. #265
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    In a follow up to Reine’s last observation...and the implications of dressing as a sexually expression vs an expression of gender identity was meaningful for me. While I do like to dress nicely, attractive even, I’m motivated to blend in, and yes, I am transgender. For my ex at least, dressing as a non-sexual expression was more disturbing and difficult to accept than if it was ‘just a sexual kink’.

    isnt this something of a catch 22 in terms of relationships?
    Last edited by kimdl93; 06-09-2019 at 09:44 PM.
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  16. #266
    New Member Wifeling GG's Avatar
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    Robbiegirl I find it absolutely shocking that you have reached your age and yet know so little about the gender you aspire to emulate! At what point would that actually become an important factor? "Oooh, sorry love- I didn't realise what a lovely Cami and tap pant set you've got there. Of course that changes everything, dearest!'

    As if, mate.

    Women don't think like that and truth be told neither do men.

    Do you think you have helped Kelli one bit?

    Kelli_cd, stop holding your breath and be proactive rather than reactive. You start the conversation. Be gentle with both of you. It sounds like she has had her suspicions confirmed which could work in your favour in that the thing she feared the most, an affair, has been thrown out of the window. She may now be more amenable to an open discussion.

    Hugs,

    L

  17. #267
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    For my ex at least, dressing as a non-sexual expression was more disturbing and difficult to accept than if it was ‘just a sexual kink’.

    isnt this something of a catch 22 in terms of relationships?
    It depends on how you look at gender identity.

    I've come to believe over the years that the only real differences between men and women reside in their physical attributes - their bodies, and what their bodies can and cannot do. The gender barriers between everything else are nearly shattered! Men and women experience the same emotions, have the same jobs, make the same financial decisions, share the same household and yard work (save for chores that a man's physical strength is more adept at tackling than a woman's physical strength), maintain the same cars, care for their same children, enjoy the same pastimes, play the same sports. There are lots of single moms and single dads who take on all the roles of both parents!

    And so if a crossdresser or a transgender has no desire to change his body either through the use of hormones or surgeries, what does "gender identity" really mean. Both the crossdresser and the transgender will wear makeup, female clothing, breast forms, etc, but all these things come off in the bedroom when they have sex with their wives, with the understanding they still enjoy using their male sexual organs. And if the wife appreciates that her husband is into her, again what does it matter whether anyone identifies more or less feminine, or more or less masculine. Our world is filled with non-CD/TG men who run the gamut from seriously macho to not-macho at all (not into sports, not into cars, or not into whatever the stereotypical macho male reportedly is into). And our world is filled with non-TG women who run the gamut from seriously girly to not girly at all (can take or leave makeup, wears comfortable clothes, prefers comfortable shoes over heels, enjoys easy-care hair cuts, is not into things the stereotypical girly-girl is reportedly into).

    On the other hand, if a transsexual MtF wishes to transition her body to the female form, then I can see where a sexual incompatibility would arise between the MtF and her wife, who if she is hetero, might prefer a sexual relationship with a person who has male parts. But, this is a different conversation. I don't think this applies to Kelli_cd, who began this Q&A session.

    So now we come to dressing as a sexual kink. If they both equally get off on the kinkiness, there is no problem. Or if they don't equally get off on it but instead decide to take turns in the bedroom doing it his way sometimes and her way sometimes, there is no problem. The only time there is an issue is if the husband gets off on being a girl consistently more than he gets off on his wife ... and his wife knows it and feels it. They have developed a sexual incompatibility. The wife wants the husband, but instead of the husband equally wanting the wife, he wants the wife to want his femme alter-ego. Or, if the husband is more jealous of his wife's femininity (by this I mean her female attributes) than appreciative of her (as a hetero non-CDer appreciates a woman), this also creates an incompatibility for a wife who, being hetero, wants to be appreciated as the woman in her hetero relationship with her husband. Yin and Yang. Not Yin and Yin. A wife wants to be the primary focus of her husband's sexual desire, just as he is the primary focus of hers.

    I hope this makes sense. Maybe the GGs in this forum will understand what I'm trying to say more than some CDs or TGs?
    Last edited by ReineD; 06-10-2019 at 03:53 AM.
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  18. #268
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Yes Reine, it makes absolute sense to me. You said it very eloquently! A woman does not want to appear or truly be in competition with a man who wants to be the woman. Some women can't get past that feeling that the CDer thinks of himself as more of a woman than she is. Definitely incompatibility there.

  19. #269
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    Quote Originally Posted by char GG View Post
    Yes Reine, it makes absolute sense to me. You said it very eloquently! A woman does not want to appear or truly be in competition with a man who wants to be the woman. Some women can't get past that feeling that the CDer thinks of himself as more of a woman than she is. Definitely incompatibility there.
    So, is it the insecurities of the GG being projected onto the the TG person? (Speaking only for myself, I’ve never remotely considered myself nor professed to be more of a woman, or even a woman. If that was an inference taken, it’s unfortunate for her and unfair to me.)
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

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  20. #270
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    So, is it the insecurities of the GG being projected onto the the TG person?
    I don't think a wife is insecure when she wants her desire for her husband to be equally reciprocated. If it isn't, she might do what I did in my early years with my SO. I competed with the CDing for his attention. I was not competing with my SO to see which one of us was the prettiest or sexiest, I just wanted my SO to want me as much as I wanted my SO. And so I dressed in ways that I thought would attract him more than the CDing did. It turned out I attracted everyone else except my SO, which was not what I was after. lol. My SO for some years really was into the CDing more than anything else.

    But this is all water under the bridge now. We've worked it all out and are very happy.
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    Reine, thank you so much. You’ve clarified my very muddled thoughts here and yes, that is exactly the issue I’m grappling with. Thatyou and your SO were able to get past this is giving me lots of hope.

    @kimdl93. No, I don’t think it’s my insecurity ( or at least all my insecurity). I’ve had girlfriends ( all GG ) before my marriage, and the idea that we would be in competition or that only one of us could be the sexy or feminine one is just not anything like how the relationship worked, it never even occurred to me. We fancied each other, that’s why we were together. If my husband was transgender this would be much easier for me ( though obviously not for a straight woman ). Instead I feel increasingly irrelevant to his sex life and undesired, and I am sure he would like more validation and admiration for him in his feminine presentation than I can honestly give. I desire him as a man, I believe I would desire a woman who was his female equivalent, but his version of femininity instead feels quite male-gaze-centred and alienating to me which in turn is disappointing for him. I don’t think it’s either of our fault.

    Also, my response to robbiegirl was actually meant to help kelli and others know the kind of thoughts, including insecurities, that can churn around in a partner’s head. It was meant to be about my emotions, and I realise I was wrong to actually describe any underwear. I get how it might have been misconstrued and I’m sorry, but please don’t anyone else PM me for underwear stories, it’s not something I’m into.

  22. #272
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MoGG View Post
    Reine, thank you so much. You’ve clarified my very muddled thoughts here and yes, that is exactly the issue I’m grappling with.

    ..........
    Reine

  23. #273
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    Writing as a transgender person (apply whatever definition you wish): is it then fair to say that a normal cis-gender female will be highly unlikely to find a MTF transgender person ...whether part time or full-time as an acceptable companion? From the discussion i have read below, that seems very much the case.
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  24. #274
    KatelynMae's SO KayC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by char GG View Post
    Don't wear blue eyeshadow.
    I DO wear light blue eyeshadow, it counteracts the redness from my allergies. Agree that less is better!
    Enacting life's lessons into positive change...

  25. #275
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    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    Writing as a transgender person (apply whatever definition you wish): is it then fair to say that a normal cis-gender female will be highly unlikely to find a MTF transgender person ...whether part time or full-time as an acceptable companion?
    Kim, it is not unlikely. My SO is extremely acceptable to me.

    But, it is difficult when there are sexual incompatibilities in the relationship. This applies even in relationships where the husband is not a CD or TG. If a third element is introduced that only one of the partners desires or wants, then the couple are not fully sexually compatible. The third element could be a desire for someone else more than the wife, a sexual kink, or any sexual preference other than the wife.

    I suppose some couples who have deep emotional bonds decide to either not prioritize sex or they remove it from their relationship. They become more like the very best of friends, just as any GG would feel for a best female friend she loves as a sister, and their relationship then survives into old age. The limit of their physical affection might be just warm hugs and cuddling. They might decide to indulge in sexual gratification separately, on their own, each with their own incompatible fantasies. But, if the wife wants to be sexual with her husband and be the primary focus of her husband's sexual desire, and he can't reciprocate, there's a problem.

    Do you understand the point I've been trying to make in my last few posts?
    Last edited by ReineD; 06-11-2019 at 02:40 PM.
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