For Those here who have told their Kids?

[SexyErica]

So I have a few questions for those of you here that have told their kids or the kids have found out about your dressing. I'm seriously considering telling my kids about this side of me but I'm scared as hell of the outcome. I have a daughter who is 16 and a son who will be 15 in 2 weeks. Also a stepdaughter who is 25 and already knows about my dressing. I'm pretty confident my daughter will be ok with it but my son I really worry about how he will take it. He and I are really close and I'm his rugged hunting and fishing buddy and it would really suck if we lost that relationship. For those who have told their kids do you think daughters are more likely to be accepting than sons are. How many of you have sons they've told that have been accepting. I know a lot of this can depend on how they were raised and the environment that you're in. Being that I'm in a rural farming area and Being seen as the rugged outdoor type is that going to make it more difficult for my kids to accept. I'm just thinking it would make things a whole lot easier if I told them rather than them finding out by accident. Which has came close to happening more than I care for. Anyone here have any good advice? Thanks

Erica,

[Pat]

At 16 and 15 it might be a worthwhile strategy to sit down and ask them what they know about transgender people. They may well educate you on a few things. At least around where I live the kids are massively clued in to the existence of transgender folks and know a lot of nuances that the adults are still struggling to understand. When my kids were in high school they already had transgender friends (note plural) who went on to transition. If they already know about transgender people, you get off with a simple, "Well, I am one."

[Meghan4now]

I don't have any good advice for you. But I will say that my approach is that the disclosure at a pre 21age should be carefully considered, including their mothers opinion. I for one feel that they have enough of their own issues with puberty and young adulthood, especially the social climate of high school. Why burden them with one more issue? Maybe later.

Of course a need to know situation may require you to divulge. For instance my oldest is expressing a Trans identity. Ok, kid, I can talk to you about this. Yes I DO know something about it.

Dog gone it. Pat answered while I was typing. YES! Making an assessment of their own knowledge and experience is also very appropriate. #2 and I have also had discussion, because of #1 and a certain close friend of #2. I'm not out to #2 yet, but he has some clues, and is REALLY smart.

[Amy Fakley]

My daughter caught a glimpse of Amy a little over a year ago when she was 15. That forced my hand, rather than concoct some sort of lie, I just decided to sit her down and come clean. If my hand had not been forced by that accident I don't think I'd have had that talk until she was an adult.

Our household has always been fairly liberal, and she already had many lgbt friends. I think because of that, it didn't have so much of a negative impact as it might have on her. It has, however, placed an undue burden on her to keep my secret.

I don't think it weighs on her too much but it bothers me that she has to carry that weight every day. We live in a very conservative area of the country, and coming out publicly just isn't something I can do. Still, given the choice between trying to hold up some cockamamy cover story, and simply being truthful with her, I know I made the right choice.

I knew that she'd eventually see through the ridiculous cover story, and that this would backfire and damage our relationship, while at the same time I knew she was mature enough to carry the weight of holding my secret.

Given the choice, I'd have preferred never to have been in that situation. Not that I don't want my kids to know who I really am, but teenage years are hard enough to get through. I'd have preferred to tell after high school at the very least.

I'd say to think carefully about your motivation for wanting to tell your kids. Is it because you are transitioning and there will soon be no way to hide this? Is it because you just don't like living in secrecy? What good for your kids will come out of disclosure at this age for them?

Like I said ... all the time I think about it, and I wish I just had decided not to dress that day. Then she wouldn't have caught me, and we could have had this discussion once she was at least out of the social minefield that is high school.

On the other hand, I am so proud of the way my daughter has handled this, and the kind of person she is becoming. My honesty with her probably has something to do with that as well. Only you can know what the right thing to do is, because only you know your kids.

I would advise caution though. Like I said, all things considdered I'd have rather had that conversation with her as an adult than as a child.

[kayegirl]

I wouldn't want to give advice, but I will tell you of my experience. My two kids and my step daughter, are all adults with young families of their own. The first one to know about my cding was my son. He was about 31 at the time. I told him in a face to face conversation. There was no negative reaction or comments, and nothing has been said since, it's 7 or 8 years back now. I know that he did tell his younger sister, she would have been 29 then, and she has never made any comment whatsoever. Neither of them has seen Kaye, or any photos of Kaye, which accords with the agreement that I had with my late wife, their Mum.
My step daughter has not seen Kaye in the flesh, but has seen photos. Her comment on learning of my coding was on the lines of "WOW, must be great to go shopping with", so some acceptance, although not talked about when her two boys are around.
So I suppose that what I am saying is be careful, if you really deem it necessary, then perhaps wait until the lad is a bit older. But only you can make the decision, good luck.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

If Erica wants to be found out, because she's sick of hiding in the closet, then she will make it her business to be found out.

Otherwise I'd suggest holding off till your son's a few years older- he's at a very vulnerable age.

But only you know what kind of kids they are. Does your son sneer at effeminate men on TV programs? Does he make disparaging remarks about 'fags'? Or is he into the arts and wondering about getting a piercing?

If you decide to tell him, his main concern will likely be his friends finding out. If that's the case, he will need strong reassurance and you would need to keep Erica on a very tight leash in terms of his friends possibly showing up unexpected. Just because you out yourself to him doesn't mean he should find you in heels and make up every time he walks in the door from school.

I think you should put his needs before your own. That's your simple duty as a loving parent.

[Teresa]

Erica,
There's never a right time to tell them, but at least you've put it off until they're old enough to start to understand it.

My daughter found out by accident when she found me ironing a dress that she knew didn't belong to my wife, she was adult and doing a second degree. I came clean and explained it was mine and then told her my CDing history, she was fine and has been very supportive. My son was a different matter. and it was the one my wife feared most. My counsellor was trying to stop my brain going around in circles with assumptions , she urged me to find ways to break the cycle so I found the right moment to tell my son, he was fine with it, he is married with two young sons and I was surprised when he told his wife. Now all my family know including their married partners, they know I go out socially . The important point to me is they all know but I'm not out to them 100% because they haven't seen me and that's a big difference .

The fact they know hasn't changed how they are with me, I'm still dad to them when they need me and also grandpa to the grandchildren , my wife is the one who feels cheated because she just wants the man she married, we both know that situation is never going to be the same again, yes I admit it is hard at times because my dressing needs aren't going away we both have to compromise to accommodate it .

We all know accidents will happen so it may be time to think about telling them. Before you do make sure you have all the answers yourself, that you know what your dressing means to your and how far you may need to go with it, I will urge you to be honest with yourself. My wife knows I'm not gay but I made it clear I wouldn't make any promises I couldn't keep to how far I needed to go. You have probably found it evolves, you want more until you find a balance and that takes time, I'm in my sixties now and I still want more which is something I never expected to happen.

[Jenny22]

Amy, you stated...
"Our household has always been fairly liberal, and she already had many lgbt friends. I think because of that, it didn't have so much of a negative impact as it might have on her. It has, however, placed an undue burden on her to keep my secret.
...while at the same time I knew she was mature enough to carry the weight of holding my secret."

Amy,unless she is absolutely bursting at the seam to tell someone or it is the ONLY thing that's constantly on her mind, why do you think it may be a weight or burden for her to simply keep a secret? She may be living with it without any problem at all. Just curious.

[Lana Mae]

You must decide the maturity level of your kids. You must be secure in who/what you are. You must be honest and answer questions honestly. I am out to both my kids but they were in their 30s! Both are accepting and want what makes dad happy. Only my daughter has seen pictures, my wig, and some clothing items. She does not want to see daddy in a dress! My son lives an hour away and I seldom see him but once or twice a month. I did both of them face to face in drag and reassured them I was not gay nor did I want to become a woman! I raised them both in a rather liberal household with my liberal wife! I think they turned out quite well! Hugs Lana Mae

[audreyinalbany]

I guess you have to ask yourself if they really need to know. If it's that painful for you to keep it from then, then, yes, you should have the conversation. If it's just that you're worried about them finding out then take steps to make sure they don't. i think they're probably past the age when they'd go snooping around mom and dad's closet. Certainly talk it over with Mom and get her feelings. Since it's something that impacts your family, she really needs to be involved.

[Jenny22]

Erica, two questions:
1, How did your step daughter find out?
2. Does she and your two kids get along and interact well?

With this info, you may well get others to give input to your dilemma, and I may, too.

[SexyErica]

Erica, two questions:
1, How did your step daughter find out?
2. Does she and your two kids get along and interact well?

With this info, you may well get others to give input to your dilemma, and I may, too.

Thank ladies for for all the helpful advice.
Jenny22, my stepdaughter found out by me accidentally turning on my iCloud photo share on my iPhone. Our family all share an account. She saw some pics of Erica and immediately texted me and said she'd seen some pics that she didn't think I'd want anyone else to see. I know she's Bi and very liberal and she has absolutely no problem with it. She being 25 and out on her own her and my other two aren't really close but get along well.
Audrey, I'm certainly talking this out with my wife. We're trying to decide if we should tell them or not. I know they are not going to be snooping in my room or closet. I only dress 1or2 times a month and go out with some Cd friends in a larger town an hr away. I don't dress at home and get hotel room there to get ready and that gets expensive. Besides the fact it's becoming increasingly difficult to sneak out of the house with with my suitcase full of Erica's things. So maybe in the end I'm being selfish and wanting to tell them just to make my life easier.

[Amy Fakley]

Amy, you stated...
"Our household has always been fairly liberal, and she already had many lgbt friends. I think because of that, it didn't have so much of a negative impact as it might have on her. It has, however, placed an undue burden on her to keep my secret.
...while at the same time I knew she was mature enough to carry the weight of holding my secret."

Amy,unless she is absolutely bursting at the seam to tell someone or it is the ONLY thing that's constantly on her mind, why do you think it may be a weight or burden for her to simply keep a secret? She may be living with it without any problem at all. Just curious.

Well, I'd say she actually IS living with it without any problem. She doesn't seem to mind at all!
The guilt is all in my mind, so far anyhow.

Because of where we live, and especially the dark stormfront on the horizon that is US politics right now ... I often wonder how separated from her peer group she might someday be because of me, and by extension if she will some day feel the need to stick her neck out on my behalf. She is prone to holding her own in ideological scuffles, and I'm proud of her for that, but at the same time ... there is a price to pay for that in practical terms, within the culture we live in.

It'll break my heart to see her lose friends or opportunities over that, if it ever happens. Like I said ... all things considered, it'd have been a better situation to have had that conversation with her once she was grown up.

But, I made a trivial mistake and I got caught. That option was no longer open to me, and as it is with everything in life, I had to make a decision that made the best of the options still available to me.

I would again advise caution about crossing that bridge intentionally.
Be sure of what this means to you. Some info in life is need to know ... if your neighbors don't need to know, do your kids need to know (at this age?).

There's a time and place for everything. Just make sure it's the right time and place first, is all I'm saying :-)

[bridget thronton]

I waited till my kids were in college before I told them dressing was a part of who I am - they had seen me a few times while they lived at home but they assumed I was dressed for fun. May kids and their spouses are OK with my dressing and it has not harmed our relationshps

[Jenny22]

Thanks for the added info, Erica. When the time comes for you to reveal to your kids, have your step daughter with you. She knows what its like to be different, and may be able to help your kids to better understand why you are what you are.

[St Lisa]

I think the younger generation is more accepting in general. At least here in the northeast in public schools I think it'd be odd if a high school or middle school student didn't know someone LGBT. For me though for now at least I identify as a crossdresser and not as transgender. Because of that I see no reason to tell my kids at least not until they're older. It's fairly easy for me to keep it private though since I'm divorced from their mom and they spend more time with her than with me.

One thing I'd say though is that Amy picked the right path - if you are caught accidentally by your kids it's going to be way better to come clean than to make up stories.

[Diane Taylor]

I told my daughter only about a year after I started my coming out process. By this time she was in her 20's and was and still is totally accepting of me without conditions. I'm probably guilty of generalizing here but CD friends of mine who told their kids seemed to have daughters who were OK with it and sons who weren't, especially when the son was a teenager. Teenagers are dealing with a lot of their own issues so suddenly finding out their father is a crossdresser adds to whatever pressure they are dealing with. Good luck to you when you tell your kids.

[Wen4cd]

My daughter is 16, only child. She has never not known. I don't remember ever having to explain anything to her except that some people don't like it.

What I had heard or read somewhere, long ago, was that if you are going to tell your children, the worst thing to do is wait until they are teen-agers. If my kid was a teenager and I had never told her, I would personally wait until she was a grown adult before I did.

[Stephanie Julianna]

I told my kids when they were in their mid teens. I have a son and two daughters. The girls approached me when they found my stash of tg books in my "perfect" hiding place in the basement. They were worried that their brother might be a crossdresser and that he would not be able to deal with it. When I confessed it was me they were relieved for him and had no issue that it was me. I had to talk with him since they now knew. He didn't want to know and it has been a non-topic for almost 30 years. My older daighter had no issue at all and even invited me to a party at her college with transgendered friends but I declined. She actually wanted me to dress. My youngest is the only one to have seen me full dressed in person and even took picks for me that I may post another time. They all have children now and the topic is never brought up. I do see some similarities with me and my youngest grandson who also has two older sisters like I did. He makes comments about how pretty a girl's dress is as opposed to the girl being pretty. He is 7 and I just can't help but notice these things. He is small for his age like I was and more sensitive than other boys his age. I will keep a close eye on him and if continues to lean in that direction I will be there for him if asked by him or my daughter. As much as I have come to love and appreciate who I am, I don not want to encourage him if he truly does not have these leanings. It definitely complicates life. However, if he is one of us I will be there for him in every way possible.

[LacieMarie]

I have a 4,7,and 10 year old and I've been dressing in front of them for years. I told them I like to play dress up just like you do. They do not care and enjoy it because they know it's fun for me. As they get older it will be second nature to them and they will not bat and eye. They understand what we do inside our home is nobody's business but our own. The older they get the harder it will be for them to accept it because they have not been around it.
Just bring it up in random conversation and see how they react