Smart Remark

[Leslie Langford]

Melanie, it is most ironic that you would have posted about this encounter of yours today - maybe even a case of karma...LOL!...but virtually the same thing happened to me today as well, and I probably live about 3000 miles away from you. I was actually going post of my experience as a new thread here, but this gives me an opportunity to piggy-back mine onto yours. Small world, then, so here goes...

I was browsing around a Value Village thrift store today that I happened to drop in on as a result of a spur of the moment decision, taking advantage of the fact that I was running other errands in that area at the time. While walking down the aisle that had the Size 9 - 91/2 - 10 women's shoes on display, I spotted a pair of nude colored killer stilettos with sky-high heels that were probably in the 5" range - and that's without a platform sole, which is more the norm these days with that type of heel. Needless to say, it was love at first sight, and in making a surreptitious move to try them on right on the spot in the absence of anyone else nearby at that precise moment, I determined that not only did they fit perfectly - they were actually also very comfortable to walk in despite their extreme height. Ding! Ding! Ding! Sale!

I then summarily strode up to the nearest cash, put on my nonchalant game face, and took my place third in line behind two other GG's. Looking at the cashier, I noticed that she was a young twenty-something with a few tattoos and a nose ring, so I naturally assumed that she was a hip non-conformist and wouldn't be overly thrown for a loop by a late-60's man in drab buying such overtly sexy feminine shoes...next best thing to stripper heels, actually.

Wrong!

As soon as I placed the shoes on the counter, she looked at me curiously and asked "Are these for you?" In a knee-jerk fashion - and without thinking it through properly - I replied "Absolutely!" along with a slight smile on my face. At this point, I expected to get the obligatory "nudge-nudge, wink-wink" smile back from her to indicte that we were both in on the joke, and that this would be the end of it.

Well, my young cashier unexpectedly replied "Seriously??!!", which, of course, opened up the door to a conversation that I didn't particularly want to have right then and there. So making a quick recovery, I said "No, Valentine's Day is coming up...they're a present." And in that moment, the stars aligned and she became my BFF and cheerleader...

"Aww! That's so sweet!" she replied. "How Long have you guys been married?" Thinking quickly, I replied "Five years", on the premise that this would indicate that there were still some sparks left in the marriage, and that a gift of sexy heels would not be out of place in that case. Of course, it occurred to me later on that any GG worth her salt would have spontaneously embedded said heels in the skull of any beau who had the audacity to gift her with a pair of second-hand shoes for Valentine's Day, but that didn't seem to occur to either one of us at the time. But I digress...

"Five years?" she responded. "Second marriage?", she queried as an after-thought, no doubt looking at my aging kisser and drawing the appropriate normal conclusion. "Yes", I replied, "Second marriage, second time lucky!" "Awww, she responded again, "Well, you guys have yourselves a great Valentine's Day, then!", delivering that wish with a lovely, understanding, and approving smile as she looked me straight in the eye and wished me a great day.

So, O.K. - I took the easy way out and told a little white lie here. That's not how I normally roll anymore these days, but then again, no one has asked me such a direct question as to why I was buying articles of women's clothing in a long, long time, so I was no longer at the top of my game in that regard. Still, I had clearly made some young GG's day here. Not only did she heartily endorse my choice of women's footwear, she was left with the impression that I was a randy, romantic old geezer who still had some life left in him...snow on the roof, but still some fire in the hearth, as the saying goes.

And I, of course, departed with a pair of killer heels that I not only got for next to a song, but which will now forever hold a special memory for me as well. Win-Win!

[abby054]

First (and only) time that I was asked that, I responded, "Hurry up! My wife is outside in the car naked!" That put a surprised expression on the SA's face. My wife actually was in the car in her underwear. How she got that way is for another post elsewhere.

[CarlaWestin]

There's a Kmart in Key West?

"Honey! We're moving to Florida!"

[MelanieAnne]

Yep. And it was packed. A lot of Cubans and poor people in Key West, and tourists picking up swim suits and beach towels and fishing tackle. Whenever I'm in a store, I usually just make a quick pass though the shoe dept, dresses, underwear, etc. Sometimes a bargain pops up. I've actually found some comfortable and decent looking sandals at Kmart over the years. But I'm not a regular Kmart shopper.

[delabole]

I find that shops will even let me try on panties to make sure they fit. I tend to be size 12 or 14; different manufacturers seem to have different measurements. Nobody ever says anything or even bat an eyelid.

[Cheryl T]

I would have just said, "I hope so, I really love the print" and been done with it.

[phili]

We have an ability to intuit a lot of things, and she probably noticed and felt the warmth and tenderness you felt for the dress, and your artificially casual 'it's NOT FOR ME' manner

She is most likely a friend, offering comfort and correctly knowing most of us actually would prefer it her way- being able to enjoy shopping and share our happiness! I never forget the kind and helpful SAs who have no internal angry gender police to contend with, and radiate pleasure and appreciation for the process of seeking and finding clothes we like. It is so humane and gracious, generous and encouraging. I have to figure out how to make them my social circle- hmmmmm.

[JenniferMBlack]

Poeple ask why crossdressing isn't more excepted? This shows one of those reasons. If you can't except yourself and take the compliment, and try to hide then why should others except you? Being you were in a friendly area with open poeple I think it was a genuine compliment and your deflection didn't throw her off..

[MelanieAnne]

Was she offended by the SA making that remark or offended by the SA assuming she was gay?

Go back and read the original post. I clearly stated I was not offended.

Caught me by surprise, but for some reason, I was not offended or embarrassed by the remark. I just said, "It's not for me. Valentines day is next week".

[Dana44]

I like Key West But why do you think if you buy a dress, it is gay? No cross dresser is typically gay and no gay people wear fem clothes they don't like women.

[Marianne S]

Tracii, it seems that I misinterpreted your first comment. To recap, what you said was:

Why is it people here equate CDing or in this case buying a dress to being gay???
Homophobia is everywhere even here.
None of my gay male friends would even think about buying or wearing a dress.

Well, I agree that we can't equate CDing to being gay! But why DO people equate the two? When people have a widespread belief in something that's not true, there's usually a reason for it. Often it's about the way people perceive things, even if their perceptions don't reflect reality.

For instance, I referred in a recent post to the fact that people for most of human history believed "the sun goes around the earth"--even though the truth is the opposite. But why shouldn't people believe that? That's the way it looks to us, after all, as if it's the sun that "rises" and "sets." In reality it's we who are revolving around the sun. Yet it doesn't feel that way to us, because we can't feel the earth moving under us! (Not unless we're having a particularly thrilling orgasm. ) It took special instruments and complex calculations to reveal the truth about who's moving and who isn't.

In the same way, what do the large majority of ordinary people perceive about the small minority who are gay and the other small minority of us who crossdress? Well, the truth is that they don't, for the most part--because most of us do our best to make ourselves invisible to them, whether we're "gay" or "crossdressers."

I dare say the majority of gay guys are as masculine as any other man. Many of them in fact delight in their masculinity, because to them it's "erotic," so they enhance it as much as they can. But their sexual activities they keep hidden as much as possible for fear of the public hostility we're all well aware of. So people at large don't equate gayness with masculinity.

In the same way, the majority of crossdressers (about seven out of eight, so I'm told) are straight. But we mostly keep our crossdressing out of the public eye as well. Most of us are in the closet, like so many gay guys. So people at large don't equate crossdressing with heterosexuality either.

As a result, the only time the two "come together" in public perception is in the form of drag queens and the like--or gay males who happen to be noticeably effeminate. So naturally members of the public tend to equate "gayness" with "femininity." Even though their perception is almost wholly wrong, we can't be surprised if that's how they see us.

Obviously many people need educating. Now some of those people are clearly homophobic, so their hatred of homosexuals is transferred to crossdressers too, even though that's unwarranted. Or maybe they just hate "feminine" men. Who knows what's in their heads, or why? All I meant to point out in my previous post is that just because so many uneducated people equate crossdressing with gayness, that in itself doesn't necessarily make all of them homophobic. They may not understand what's going on, but some of them may not care, either. In short, we shouldn't be equating simple ignorance with homophobia.

But I mistakenly thought your first post was a remark about people in general, and their regrettable tendency to homophobia. Instead, I find you were criticizing Melanie Anne:

Well actually it is Marianne.
Melanie Anne made it sound that way by saying "I'm not gay".
Was she offended by the SA making that remark or offended by the SA assuming she was gay?

Unfortunately that only leaves me more puzzled than ever. To start with, the sales assistant's remark had nothing to do with "gayness," only with her assumption that Melanie might be "feminine," a crossdresser. In any case Melanie said explicitly that she was "not offended" by the remark. So what has any of this got to do with gayness?

Only, as you pointed out, that Melanie said "I'm not gay," several lines later. Now what was the context of that remark?

Key West does tend to mellow me out. I'm not gay, but it's a very gay friendly town, with a gay mayor, and police chief, and plenty of gay bars and clubs. The towns motto is "One human family." So, if you are the least bit hesitant to go out dressed, Key West is the place to start. [...] "Nobdy here cares what you do"!

What I read into this is two things. First of all, granted that many people do confuse gayness with crossdressing, the silver lining to that cloud is that when people are tolerant of one, they're also tolerant of the other! It certainly isn't Melanie's fault if people confuse the two, and no cause to criticize her! But in place where people are tolerant of both, we have every right to take advantage of it! Make hay while the sun shines!

Second, in view of people's deplorable tendency to confuse gayness with crossdressing, what could be more natural than for Melanie to make this distinction clear by announcing that she herself is "not gay"? In any case a remark like that is entirely natural to avoid confusion or misunderstanding of identity.

To take a totally different example, suppose somebody complained of a toothache and said they wanted to get their aching tooth pulled. I'd very likely respond by saying "I am not a dentist, BUT rather than discard a tooth that might be salvageable, you might ask about getting a root canal, or even a simple filling might do the trick." Well, I'm not a dentist!--though readers might imagine I was if I started handing out dental advice. In reality I'm only giving advice from general knowledge and experience. I wouldn't want people to imagine I'm an expert on orthodontics and implants and the like. But just because I said I'm "not a dentist," that doesn't mean I suffer from "dentophobia": "a morbid fear or hatred of dentists." Fair enough, I confess: I never even wanted to be a dentist! It just wasn't my métier, that's all. But that doesn't make me "guilty" of any unreasoning hostility toward the dental profession.

In the same way, if anyone implies they feel comfortable in a town because it's "gay friendly," casual readers might easily jump to the conclusion that that's because the writer is gay! So it's entirely natural to forestall that wrong impression by saying "I'm not"--"so don't ask me questions about the gay lifestyle, because I don't know any more about it than anyone else does." There's nothing homophobic about that, any more than there's anything "dentophobic" about announcing that "I'm not a dentist!"

[PatMatoole]

Lived in key west for 6 months. Had a WONDERFUL time. Wife is supportive of dressing, I love the attention But went out as often as we could and strolled duval got lots of compliments and I owned every one of them. Don't pass well but got lots of "awesome" comments. Don't remember any disparaging remarks. Had a blast

[Tracii G]

Marianne Maybe its because I am gay I notice the snide little "gay" quips some CDers make concerning gay people.
Gay men aren't into CDers or into feminine men at least the majority of the ones I know aren't and that is why I don't have a partner.

Your comment about a gay mans masculinity being erotic and the rest of that paragraph makes no sense at all and is so far from the truth its not funny.

[Beverley Sims]

I would go with the flow, especially in Key West.

When shopping in drab there I was always asked if I wanted to try the garments on before buying.

I was fitted for bras a number of times, always joked with the SA's about my suspected dressing habits, never denied it and I had fun.

Other weird folk would joke with me but I was never patted on the bum, so to speak.

Key West?

Maybe the end of the world, but what a great way to finish. :-)

[MelanieAnne]

First, I clearly said I was not offended.
Second, I pointed out that Key West is very gay friendly.
Third, I mentioned I was not gay, to indicate I did not go to Key West because it is gay friendly.
Fourth, I go to Key West because I'm a sailor and a parrothead, and because it is a gay friendly town, I feel there is no problem crossdressing there. I cannot be any clearer than that!