Imagine your reaction as an SO?

[Tamsin Secret]

I was just thinking (which is always dangerous!) for those of us still in the closet.
What do we think our reaction would be if the shoe (or heel) was on the other foot and we stumbled across posts that our SO had put on a site like this?

How would we react/feel (if we were the unknowing)? How would we approach our SO if we thought or had worked out it was our other half?

I would like to think I would be open minded but that's because I know what I do myself... Its interesting as I have only had this thought since joining here.

It's a good way of understanding some of the hurt and shock other people have reported their Wives/GF's/SO's reactions to them telling them about 'The Big Secret' or being discovered.

Just a thought but I would be interested to hear peoples opinion x

[Mafalda]

I've been thinking about it many times. It wouldn't be something easy, it would be disturbing, probably I wouldn't like to hear about it. I know that I would find the way to accept it, but only because it's part of someone that I love. My acceptation will be an outcome of deep love.

[Julie MA]

Miss Secret, so I see a picture of my wife on the FtM crossdressers page dressed in men's clothes. Hmm, A. since she doesn't dress very feminine it wouldn't be a stretch. And B. Since FtM cross-dressing is quite common and accepted, again, no big concern. Given A and B, I can't imagine why there would be any reason to hide it. So my question to her would be why was she hiding it? Doesn't seem like an apples to apples comparison to our MtF CD situation. But I see your point. Julie

[Marianne S]

I think it's an excellent question to ask, MissSecret. What if our wives appeared to be turning into men? I'll be surprised if more people haven't asked themselves this question, because it is so helpful with understanding.

[Stephanie47]

OK Julie, But! What if the visual was the application of a mustache and beard and a rolled up sock to simulate a penis? Strap down the boobs. My wife totally lost interest in any bedroom play which involved me wearing a nightgown when she realized there was some unknown mind play going on. She cannot understand why a man would wear a bra when he has nothing to "pack into it" as she said.

If I encountered postings of my wife pretending to be a man, anatomically and cosmetically, I'd figure there is something that needs to be discussed.

[Julie MA]

My wife went into attack mode one night and asked me those very questions. My reply to her was that we would discuss the specifics of her situation. Gender identification, sexual orientation, desire to dress, desire to transition, where would she want it to lead. Maybe I am too scientific about it, but I would look at it as another interesting facet of my wife and help her with it. Would our marriage change? Yes. How would it end, I don't know. But I wouldn't be afraid to take the journey with her. I think being a crossdresser already, I couldn't help but be understanding and accepting. A surprise? Yes. Julie

[TrishaTX]

I know me and if I loved someone and they filled most of the things in my life, I don't see how I could judge. If it were all the time, like a full transition I think that is different. The amount of time I spend doing it, would be more than acceptable.

[JeanTG]

My wife is already a crossdresser. The other day she was in a lumberjack shirt, jeans and a down vest. LOL!

[ronda]

I feel that if your love is what it should and that is unconditional none of that should matter as long as you love each other you can be happy and stay as you are understanding of each others needs but most of use can not or do not love unconditionally we are afraid that others will judge us and our SO and that is more important then our love

[docrobbysherry]

I don't have to image! My daughter, after years of my asking, finally explained why she disliked my dressing so much.

She said, "How would u like to have seen your dad in a dress and makeup?"

Got me rite between the eyes!

[Teresa]

Sherry,
I try not to think of that vision , it wouldn't be a pretty sight !

Seeing your partner dressed totally different may be the problem, trying to deal with the unexpected . You tend to think WTF before knowing why and by then your mind can't accept the explanation. I know people comment that their wives CD all the time and it does appear unfair that we can't openly do the same thing.

I guess looking at it from the other point of view I would wonder why my wife would have a thing about wearing Y fronts, I can't think of anything worse !

[bridget thronton]

Her body - she is free to dress as she likes - will not affect how I feel toward her

[GretchenM]

I think this is an excellent question. Because gender reversal can occur in anyone then it is effectively no different with FTM or MTF. However, I don't think wearing men's clothes is any different than men wearing women's clothes. At least on the surface. And of course it is more acceptable for women to wear men's clothes than the other way around, but that, to me, is just stereotyping. The real question is whether there is actually some degree of gender reversal relative to the traditional view of gender. A woman bricklayer is not gender reversed if she still identifies as feminine/female and dresses like other bricklayers on the job. But if there is an internal sense that she is masculine/female or even masculine/male that is a different matter. The sense inside has changed from the traditional arrangement found in our culture. If she believes she is, so to speak, "a man trapped in a woman's body" then we have gender reversal.

Personally, I can't actually say how I would react. You really need to be there to know for sure how you would react. And it would depend on how I personally identify. If I was strong masculine I might react very badly. But if I am mild or moderately masculine I might react with a need to understand what it is all about. If I was like I am now, somewhat gender reversed, I would think, "Wow, this is going to get interesting." So it is not only a matter of what she is doing with respect to cross-dressing or expressing some degree of gender reversal. It also depends on how you are in terms of gender and how important gender expression is in your mind. And then, insert the matter of love and the equation changes again. I would hope that I would be accepting and curious rather than, "You lied to me and I don't approve of that kind of thing. I want you to stop it right now or else. And if you can't stop don't ever let me see you dressed like that." Would I be that way? I hope not, but then ...

[phili]

Sherry,
I guess looking at it from the other point of view I would wonder why my wife would have a thing about wearing Y fronts, I can't think of anything worse !

This was my most discouraging vision- in that it seemed so difficult to accept. I think this gets to the heart of a big part of the cognitive dissonance for our SOs, along with the question about seeing one's father in a dress and makeup.

First, the Y front is literally tailored for the male anatomy- and our SO doesn't have that. We will of course ask why the interest in this underwear, as opposed to boxers which are more generally male but not soooo specific? I think the answer applies to many of us- it is exactly because the specificity of having male anatomy that is seen as triggering permission for a host of male related privilege- you can manspread and mansplain!! Seriously, this is why the bra seems so strange and unnecessary to SOs- a dress maybe, but a bra??? So, since as a CD I have travelled this road, I would say, honey, I hate Y fronts, but I am giving you total permission to be as manly as you dream- throw your weight around, ignore my requests for help, and look stolidly indifferent about everything but sports and cars and guns. Try it- see how you like it. And lets go shopping to find something manly enough for you and still appealing to me for you to wear!

And yes, put an artificial bulge in your pants and check it out- it has become a symbol for you of manliness. Wouldn't you like to feel the manliness is yours even without the bulge down there?

Re seeing Dad- this gets to the archetypal role for parents- the adam and eve, the male and female poles of gender- and we can't imagine dad in a dress because then where is the male pole? It's all muddled and what is a child to learn? But this is created by the way males and females are socialized farther an farther apart, and has been answered in real life. Children are much more bilateral and non binary than adults, and if dad and mom both enjoy dresses and makeup, and their friends don't ostracize them- it all works fine. Kids learn from their parents, and confirm with the neighbors, or vice versa. Few communities exist where you are not mistreated if your parents are not gender mainstream, however. So we CDs wisely don't subject our kids to that- it is not the CDing, it is the cultural violence that will be inflicted on them.

Back to our SO in drag- we are able to understand exactly, because we are that person- but our SOs are still way back in the cultural training zone and feel happy with it- there are dads and moms, and they are one of the moms- whether they choose to have kids or not. If we reveal we want to be a mom- they are going to say, most of the time- no- that is my space, and we have to keep it my space or the world will collapse in a heap.

Luckily, I am telling myself these days, people are still kids and we get through all sorts of dissonant situations as kids. They are hard to remember, but time marched on and we get carried along by the flow of events. So we and our SOs will muddle along somehow, with good days and bad.

[Jaylyn]

I have thought many times that my wife isa crossdresser also. I did mention it to her once. We both have a set of over hauls that wear to the farm. They are identical. She also has hunting and fishing shirts that are the male type. She wears pants as much as I do she thinks they are more comfortable than a dress. She hates bras, but wears one in public. During winter she has some red flannel type bed clothes top and bottom. She bought hers at a women's sore in the mall, I have an almost identical set that I bought from the men's department in Walmart. Both are nearly the same. Hers has a ribbon to tie the bottoms up mine has a flat soft cord and an button to undo to pee. That's the only difference.
Women do cross dress all the time. I've seen sloppy people wearing their pjs to stores and sometimes the men and women have on the same looking pjs.
In work attire I've seen office women wearing neckties and white shirts, but if a guy wore a nice skirt and blouse with hose and heels they stick out.
I love my wife and she does crossdresser in her work and wears jeans identical to males. She found out she can go to the boys section and get them cheaper.
I have to be open minded as she saves me money there..... Socks are he same especially when she wears her boots.
The Columbia fishing shirts are identical except she has one that is pink the rest are white or blue. When we are at the coast the only difference is she's the one in the bikini with a white fishing shirt thrown over the top.
I don't love her less cause she cd's. We agreed for better or worse, in good times and bad, so I guess since we have been together for almost fifty years we just might make it.
If she told me she wanted to transition then might be harder to accept.

[sometimes_miss]

The problem with this question is, you're preaching to the choir.

[mikayla1964]

I'm no expert but how can you get a true honest answer from any of us.. We are already living the situation in reverse. we already know how the so would feel so we would be more accommodating .j mop

[sherri]

If I was a straight, strictly hetero, strictly binary husband/boyfriend I think it would be a problem, especially if she wanted to transition full-time. As a less-than-straight CDer, I could see some interesting relationship dynamics developing from the gender swapping worth navigating for mutual fulfillment, although I might feel a sense of loss cuz I love GGs so much. Maybe we would need to agree that for a number of practical reasons we should both to keep the gender swapping on a part-time basis. Either way, I would be concerned and more than a little upset about the secrecy, which would probably make me question the stability and trustworthiness of our relationship. We would both need to work on that.

[Katie01]

It is such a double standard but when I see a woman dresssing up and acting as a man I always wonder what they get out of it. I feel so hypocritical! Of all people, I should understand better.

[Sharon B.]

I wouldn't have a problem with it my love for my spouse would take over and I would do whatever to make them happy.

[char GG]

Jean TG
Just felt like chiming in here. Most women who wear jeans, lumberjack shirts, down vests, etc, are NOT crossdressers. They don't try to pass as men. They don't get offended if people call them the "other gender". This is no longer the 1900's or the 1950's. Women dress in pants for various reasons, fashion, comfort, the main reason in the North is for warmth! So, you can think what you want, of course, and you can justify your actions by comments like that. Most women are not on a website carrying on about how wonderful it is to be a "man" just because they wear jeans (and a lumberjack shirt).

[JeanTG]

char GG I was being a bit facetious. Fact is though, my wife doesn't project much femininity in her clothing choices. She has professional reasons for that so I don't love her any less for it, but I have to admit that it is NOT a turn-on, and she knows it. Fortunately she doesn't wear it to bed, but still, she certainly doesn't dress to please me even outside of her professional activities.

I realize men and women are different and dress in the clothes of the opposite gender for different reasons. I never nag her about her less than feminine dress, I just wish she'd cut me a bit more slack for my dressing (she knows... DADT), whatever the reasons for it. It's not directed at pissing her off, it is a very necessary part of my identity. If it turns her off I can understand that and won't dress in front of her, but I don't want to have to sneak around either, hide my stuff in secret places, etc.

[Cheryl T]

I've always been open to people who are different and accepting of them.
I would first remember that this is the person I love and that this is part of them. I'd ask questions and try to learn more about it without be judgemental.

[CarlaWestin]

I don't have to image! My daughter, after years of my asking, finally explained why she disliked my dressing so much.

She said, "How would u like to have seen your dad in a dress and makeup?"

Got me rite between the eyes!

Interesting. When I showed my Daughter a picture of her Father in a dress, she thought it was fabulous!

[Lily Catherine]

We live the situation in reverse ourselves, so it's hard to properly imagine how it's like on the other side. We can only empathise at best. I for one have no choice but to accept it, even if it's merely crossdressing to them. Needless to say, I would have to find out the specifics from them.

I think it's easier for your typical MtF CD to see themselves as attractive than to see their crossdressed SO's as attractive members of the opposite gender as well, so I assume that the SO is unlikely to rate the CD as attractive as the latter thinks themselves.

This being said, I am voluntarily single and celibate. This is one of the reasons. I hope I should not be surprised to encounter this exact scenario - to find out my boy/girlfriend crossdresses. There and then, will I have any choice but to accept their situation in the naïve hope that they will mine?