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Thread: CD needs suggestions please??

  1. #1
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    CD needs suggestions please??

    Hi, I'm brand new to this site. My hope is to get some advice from other CD's and/or bi-curious men who've opened-up about this to their spouses.

    I'm trying to get enough courage, to tell my fiancé about my "feminine-side", along with my fantasies, wants and needs. I just hope she doesn't run away, IF, I do tell her.. Obviously, we aren't married yet, but we're very committed. I think she deserves to know about my dark-secrets. Good, bad or otherwise. I'm confident she's "The One", we're very in love. We've weathered many storms over time and it's only made us closer and stronger. However, she has NO idea about my CD-ing or Bi-curiousity. I've struggled to understand and accept it myself. So, maybe I'm crazy to think she can?

    About me: I'm a: thin, 5'10", 145lbs, D&D free (420 friendly), very open-minded, Bi-curious white-male. Most of the time, I'd be considered straight. Other-times though, I'm bi-curious and feel feminine. I get SEXUALLY ARROUSED by dressing as a woman, (LINGERIE all-day &#128523. I imagine what it'd feel like to be a woman. I also have fantasies about dressing-up as a HOT, SEXY WOMAN that's out on the town, my fiancé seduces me to go home with her and we play all-night. My fantasies grow from there... I just can't explain how good I feel when I'm crossdressing... It's truly an amazing feeling to me. Unfortunately, I'm very closeted about it and my bi-curiosities. I haven't had the comfort/courage to tell anyone. (I'm actually surprised I'm writing it out) My biggest fear is that, if I tell my SO, she won't understand it, let alone accept it about me. I don't want to Offend her. I don't want her to be upset about my DERSIRES/WANTS/NEEDS. I don't want her to see me differently (negatively) or pity me... But, will she?? Most-important of all, I don't want to hurt her whatsoever. But, is that even possible??

    I would LOVE IT!!! If I could NEVER AGAIN, be ashamed of my thoughts, fantasies or anything else about me. Specifically, when I'm with my SO... IDK, maybe that's asking the impossible, to find in one's-life.

    Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated...

  2. #2
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    You've been hiding this from her long enough. She deserves/deserved to know BEFORE she gets/got deep into the relationship. You owe it to her to tell her the truth. Let her be the one to choose what kind of a man she wants to be with. If you continue to lie to her(and yes it is a lie because she thinks she's marrying one person but you're really someone else) and she finds out it will be so much worse.

    Don't try to force her to accept your dressing/bisexuality. Some people will suggest "couples counseling" but if she really doesn't want a man in a dress who enjoys having sex with other men no amount of counseling will change that.

    So man up and tell her before it's too late.
    Last edited by Laurana; 02-18-2017 at 07:44 PM.

  3. #3
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    Welcome to the forum.
    I will say keep your fantasies a fantasy and no need to mention every fantasy. A few fine only if that fantasy includes her.
    No need to claim you are straight here because 90% of CD's are straight,married and have kids.
    If you do have a bi curious side I have to ask if you have ever acted upon that feeling with another man?
    I'm one of the few resident gay transgender CDers on this site so my take on things differs a little.
    If you decide to "come out" to your wife then you need to be ready to suffer the consequences if she doesn't like it.
    I do think she needs to know and it would be unfair of you not to tell her.
    Not telling her and she finds out later then you have violated her trust and you don't want that ever.
    I'm sure more will chime in because this is a very hot topic here.
    When you get enough posts more of the site will open up and you can do a search and read all the threads on this subject.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 02-18-2017 at 07:57 PM.

  4. #4
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    From someone who dI'd it the wrong way before, I advise you tell her about it before you two go any farther. .it is much worse if they discover it then if you tell them. It is a lot to ask for a woman to not only accept your a cd but also bi then to wait until after you are married I think is way to much. Some women say they are good with it and really aren't. My ex wife was one of those she knew less then a month after we started dateing and was all its cool it's fine I like it that you cd and are bi. When I dressed it was never pleasant and her idea of a three some was her getting g two guys. My current girlfriend is really cool with my dressing not into the bi really at all but is honest about it, she did give me permission to go get what I need just dosen't want to see it. In short you owe it to her and yourself to tell her sooner then later and let her decide if she can live with it or not.

  5. #5
    Member Diane Taylor's Avatar
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    I agree with the others who posted a reply to your question. it's going to be hard enough when you tell her about your CD life but to then tell her you'd like to have sex as a female and are possibly BI is putting an awful lot on her plate. My opinion......tell her ASAP before you get married.

  6. #6
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    Your description of yourself sounds like an ad in Craiglist's casual encounters. D&D free? TMI

    I'm a: thin, 5'10", 145lbs, D&D free (420 friendly), very open-minded, Bi-curious white-male.
    Please tell her before you get married. If the wedding gets called off, it may be for the best. If shes' OK with it, make sure she doesn't change her mind later on.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  7. #7
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    Ya, best to mention this soon because the longer you hold out, the more she may hold it against you.
    Wait to tell her when she's in a good mood and maybe when she's feeling especially close to you.
    You could mention you have a femme side and want to express it. Or maybe that you like 'pretty things' too and would like to wear some. Only you will know how receptive she will be.

  8. #8
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    I mentioned it to my wife when she was my GF some 30 years ago. In spite of that it's been a rocky road from time to time as she can never fully accept it even though she knows it happens fairly regularly. With much effort she's accepted daily panty wear but that's about it.

    Still, if she had found out later, I'm sure I would be adding the letters E and X before "wife". She admits that she can't say I misled her. When the urge returned after a long hiatus, I was also upfront about that, and the road was very rough for a couple of years after, but things have been fine for the last 10 years or so.

    Break it to her gently. I don't have bi-curiosity which is fortunate because if I did those pesky letters E and X would certainly be applicable. One of the biggest fears our SO's have about our crossdressing is "are you gay"? So I can't really advise you on that aspect.

  9. #9
    Member Kiwi Primrose's Avatar
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    You should know by now whether she sees a soft side in your attitudes or likes and dislikes.
    e.g. my wife knew of my hatred of Y-fronts long before we were married and helped me find alternatives.
    That was more than 60 years ago and our relationship and my dressing have developed a long way since then.
    So let her into your private life gently but start soon.

  10. #10
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Sounds like u need to work out some things for yourself before u get serious about anyone, Always. R u bi or aren't u? You're 39 and if haven't worked this for yourself by now, u have issues!

    Many CD's fantasize about being the woman with a man. Me included. I thot I was suddenlygay! But, since men don't attract me, I eventually figured out I was still straight. If u don't find out for yourself now, u MAY regret it later!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  11. #11
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    First I would encourage you to edit your post as it does read like a craigslist ad and a one option your gf has on this site is a FAB (Female at Birth) section to post with other GG's and if she does join you MAY find difficulties with your first post.

    If your GF has opened up to you about her deepest etc etc then you may want to work it into a conversation to talk about yours otherwise it can be difficult.

    A lot of members here are in open relationships with regard to their CDing, search for key words and read since those threads have a lot of good advice.
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  12. #12
    Aspiring Member Territx's Avatar
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    There is no absolutely correct answer only the one that works for you, your situation and relationship. Some here have told their SOs and some haven't -- only you can make that decision. Good luck.

  13. #13
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    There is no way to really know how she will react because we don't know her like you do.
    You could put it all in a letter and hand it to her to read while you sit there.
    You have to take into account how would you feel if she out of nowhere said she was a lesbian maybe and wanted to dress like a man and date women.
    How would you take it? Would you go ahead and marry her?

  14. #14
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Terri is right. There's no one correct answer, no "perfect approach" that will guarantee a loving and supportive SO after you've had "the talk". I can say with some confidence though, it will be easier to have that talk than right now. The longer you hide it, the greater the chance that resentment at being kept in the dark will be the overriding reaction. There volumes here on how to have the talk with your SO. Spend some time reading the stickied threads. In the end, you will have to judge the moment and the words. Good luck to you and your SO.

    Hugs,


    Kelly

  15. #15
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    Yes tell her.

    There are many threads in this forum discussing this issue of telling before marriage (serious commitment) or not. The most recent can be found here:

    https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...r-SO-is-all-in!

    You might want to read through this to get your bearings.

  16. #16
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    One, don't just blurt it out. Fred Flintstone bouncing in the door yelling, 'Honey, I'm a crossdresser!' where upon she runs to you with a pair of panties and demands that you only wear them from now on. Nope, instead, that would likely turn off any woman. You're likely going to have to take this a bit slower for it to work. Sure, you MIGHT have that one in a million woman who will be delighted that you're a crossdresser but that's probably not going to happen. In fact, I think in the history of crossdressers, it might have happened ONCE. Maybe.

    First, you have to feel out how she feels about gender benders. I take girlfriends to shows like La Cage Aux Folles; occasionally add in a movie into our watching like Tootsie, Wong foo, Rocky horror picture show, Ladybugs, White chicks, Sorority Boys, Just One of the Girls, stuff that's lighthearted and where the men only crossdress for a particular goal. The main character is basically playing a part, but is not actually a crossdresser. That might get you an option to get her to crossdress you, say, at Halloween and you can see what effect it has on her. If she's ok with all that, you have a chance. If the very idea of a guy dressing as a girl disturbs her, you're on thin ice; one crack, and it's over.
    I'd temporarily forego such movies as: Just Like A Woman, the Danish Girl, Hairspray, Priscilla queen of the desert, The New Girlfriend (French Une Nouvelle Amie (the new girlfriend) or anything that remotely brings to mind a guy who NEEDS to spend a lot of time 'just being girly'. Very, very few women are turned on by girly men, in fact, the vast majority of them seem to be very turned off by it.
    And once a woman is turned off by something about you, it's very difficult to overcome that. So tread carefully.

    If you can make it something SHE can get something out of (even if she isn't thrilled by it) you may have a fighting chance. Women who are on the fence MIGHT be pushed over to the side you want if there's a significant advantage to it, say, you doing most of the housework (might not last, she might pitch in once she knows you weren't just doing it as a means to your own ends), a dedicated attempt to make her feel special ALL the time (this is a particular problem with couples who have been going out for a while, men stop doing the little things we did during courtship like making the extra effort to open doors, etc.).

    So, cook more often, do the cleaning much of the time, back rubs 'just because' without having to follow it up with sex, foot rubs when she comes home from work, occasionally have a hot bubble bath ready for her when she comes home from work with some wine alongside, make her feel special all the time. Affection, affection, affection. Don't smother her, but when you ARE together, make her feel special. Crossing the street? Take her hand or put your hand on the middle/lower of her back to guide her. In a restaurant? Make sure she's not cold; men don't notice those ceiling vents, but women usually have more uncovered skin, so they get cold faster, but often won't say anything. Women think all men are nuts over high heels, so they wear them too often and hurt their feet. If you're going out anywhere that doesn't need her to wear them, tell her you think she looks cute in a pretty pair of her new sneakers and she should wear them instead of dress shoes (girls sneakers come in all kinds of fancy designs and colors, so there's no reason she can't feel good about wearing them most of the time). I take women on a lot of walking dates, and suggest sneakers. If she doesn't have any nice ones, take her somewhere and buy her some. A gift that tells her you're concerned about how comfortable she is will increase your value tremendously (rather than something like jewelry, or lingerie which is basically just a gift for YOU to look at).

    Maybe after 20 years of marriage you can slow down a bit. But I wouldn't count on it. You're a crossdresser. Women who can accept us are so rare, you're more likely to win the lottery. Remember that. So if you find one that will accept you, never, ever let her go.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 02-19-2017 at 03:59 AM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  17. #17
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    Curious,
    You have a great deal going on mostly because it's all hidden. Most if not all of us have had many of your fantasies, the list is endless . You need to sit down and think it through, work out what your real needs are and separate them from your fantasies. if it helps write it down . I also found it very useful to think how your CDing started, I know that deeply affected me , it helped to write it all down so I could move forward , it stopped some of it continually going round in my head. It also helps when you finally decide to tell your partner, it's far better to give something written rather than confused message from trying to tell it in an acceptable manner and it all comes out wrong.

    OK CDing does feel good , but it does come with some serious problems that's what this forum is here for . You call it a dark secret, it doesn't have to be like that not unless you like that aspect of it, the problem with that is secrets hide shame and guilt , you fear what people will think and say if they knew. Coming out and being honest, and admitting what you real needs are has to happen at some point, otherwise it will rule your life and possibly totally control it. If you want to continue with your relationship I would say at your age tell her , she may actually enjoy some aspects of it.

  18. #18
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    What Teresa just posted is right on the money.
    I think you need to figure out who you are first. Separate the fantasies from the facts and what you need to survive a marriage.
    A marriage is a huge deal both legally and personally so you need to be honest with her right now.
    If she can't deal with it let her go and move on with your life.

  19. #19
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    You have to discuss this with your fiancé before deciding on marriage. It will not go away or take care of itself. Only you can do that and she deserves your honesty. However on reading your post I suspect you have confusion about yourself. It is OK to be all of the things you describe but you cannot just expect your partner to deal with them if you keep it hidden until after marriage.

    I really believe that it would be good for you to understand yourself first and that will require some professional help. Teresa said it very well.

  20. #20
    Silver Member Stephanie Julianna's Avatar
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    You definitely need to tell her. Not telling her is the ultimate lie. However, prepare for the worst and hope for the best or something in between. I told my wife in the first year of our relationship, 3 years before we married. That was 49 years ago. She is not thrilled about this side of me but knows that, from earlier purges that failed miserably, this is part of who I am and it is never going away. So she loves me and tolerates this side of me and life goes on. If your girlfriend runs away after you tell her than simply she was not the one.

  21. #21
    Platinum Member Angie G's Avatar
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    If you don't tell now and she finds out latter then what. And if you don;t tell her before she is your wife you will be lying. No one can say how she will take the news we don;t know her. It is very hard dressing when she doesn't know. at sme time you will mess up and not cover your tracks and you most likely won't have a convincing story. I dressed for years befor telling my wife. When I did I was really lucky and she was great about it.
    Angie

  22. #22
    Senior Member Lori Kurtz's Avatar
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    Voice of experience here .... tell her. The further you get into this relationship, the harder it gets, and the worse the consequences are likely to be.

    Remember, though, there is a difference between who you are and what you do. You ARE a crossdresser, and if it's a need that you need to express, then she needs to know. If you can enjoy your relationship with your wife-to-be without dressing up for the rest of your life, then fine, don't tell her. Secret things that you don't act out won't hurt you or her. And regarding the bi-curiousity, is that something that has to do with who you are, or only with what you do? Does marriage mean monogamy to you? If so, then you need to decide if you are going to be be with one male or one female, and your curiosities are just that--curiosities--and you don't need to mention them to anybody. But if marriage doesn't mean monogamy to you (or even MIGHT not mean monogamy to you), then your partner definitely needs to know it ahead of time.

    Best of luck to you.

  23. #23
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    I would hunk that if you are really serious about bringing it up with her that you go to a counselor that specializes in the situation to help you mediate a discussion and have a support system for her questions that are going to be tough to answer. Good luck

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