Going out for the First Time

[JeanTG]

Hi girls,

Well it's confirmed, I have an appointment with my therapist on Friday. It's an hour and a half drive (in good traffic). She agreed that I should come to see her dressed. So necessarily I will be going out the door fully dressed, makeup, etc.

I am quite nervous. I will likely need a bathroom break along the way as my bladder and prostate seem to have entered a into new relationship with each other, and that means I'll have to stop at a highway rest area. I'm pretty sure I'll use the ladies'. Not sure I want to encounter a redneck trucker as I by no means pass.

I already know what I'm going to wear.

Wish me luck!

[natalie edwards]

Keep an eye on the prostate. Mine was cancerous and removed.

[andreanna]

Hmmmm. That smarts. Many of us "redneck truckers" are also redneck crossdressers.

[Lana Mae]

Good luck with your therapist! No stereotyping! We have a number of truck drivers on this site!! LOL Hugs Lana Mae

[JeanTG]

Yes, but I'm sure the truck drivers on this site are the kinder/gentler kind

But to avoid offending, let's change "redneck truckers" to "intolerant yahoos"...

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Good Luck!

You'll do fine. I've done the same thing going to my therapist a few times now. In fact "Linda" is going to see her next week!

Plan your trip and see if you can stop at gas stations that have single ladies rooms or a family bathroom. It works for me some times.

Take a camera so your therapist can give you a few pictures of your time out.

Let us know how it turns out!

[JeanTG]

Well I did it!

Had to cross my legs a bit on the way in; I should have had a P stop but I was too chicken, but I parked a full block away, walked proudly down the street, spent an hour and a half with her, and walked back to my car, drove on busy city streets, etc. Carried a purse, touched up my lipstick in the bathroom at my therapist's. Productive session, more later this weekend as I have to run off again (alas in drab this time).

[JeanTG]

Well here's the gist of it. Clearly I am a man in women's clothing. Her take is that I am not transgendered, but my gender identity is not binary either. That I have a strong affinity to the feminine, and because my wife is tomboyish and never wears nice lingerie, clothes, etc., at least part of my dressing is trying to make up for the feminine vacuum in my life; the rest comes from being maybe 40% female at the very least (and as I know, about 60% at other times; at the moment I'm feeling more "40%ish). It's clear to her that DADT isn't working for me. It makes me feel dirty, sneaky and dishonest. She thinks I need to find a way to get her to be more accepting. She suggested at my next birthday to say "this year the only gift I want is the gift of total acceptance", but also that I should go slow and introduce her to changes slowly and give her time to adapt to them. Ultimately she thinks I'm right, when she comes home (I work from home), I shouldn't have to change back into drab, though I could change into more casual clothes; normally working from home, I dress up as if I were going to an office where the women dress up nicely.

But I am very concerned about asking for these changes, not liking rough seas. I'll have to think this one through. I did ask her to take a couple of pics. I only kept the least bad one but am too embarrassed to post it.

[PaulaQ]

Your therapist doesn't know beans about being trans, quite clearly. Get a new one - seriously they sound terrible. Let's just consider the following:

Her take is that I am not transgendered, but my gender identity is not binary either. That I have a strong affinity to the feminine, and because my wife is tomboyish and never wears nice lingerie, clothes, etc., at least part of my dressing is trying to make up for the feminine vacuum in my life; the rest comes from being maybe 40% female at the very least (and as I know, about 60% at other times; at the moment I'm feeling more "40%ish)

*sigh* So much wrong in the statements above:
1. If you are non-binary - you are non-binary by definition.
2. Your therapist cannot tell you whether or not you will transition.
3. Trying to establish your identity as x% female, y% male is stupidity. It isn't that simple, and there are VERY masculine women and VERY feminine men. A percentage like that can only be established against some hypothetical standard of masculinity or femininity. It simply isn't real, and it makes NO SENSE.
4. She obviously has no idea about the feelings many spouses have when they discover their spouse is gender variant. Asking for the "gift of total acceptance" completely invalidates your wife's feelings!

She is right that DADT isn't working for you. Go her.

Your wife needs support and probably counseling to help her deal with this. I hope you can find some for her - support for spouses is frankly thin on the ground.

What you need is someone for couple's therapy who understands gender identity / gender expression issues.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but what I'm reading is terrible here. YOU are doing the right things and doing the best you can. But your therapist clearly doesn't understand the minefield you find yourself in. Maybe she has some experience with young, genderqueer people, in queer relationships, where the stakes are WAAAAAAY lower. (But still not zero. You think a lesbian enjoys discovering she's married to a man? I can tell you most do not, at least not at first.)

edit:
So I could go on about your therapist. But I won't - instead, I'll quote my dear husband. We're sitting here in a hotel room, while he recovers from GCS that he had yesterday. I read your thread and your therapist's responses to him. (I'm back on the site because my husband really wants me to be here - he always enjoys it when I read people's posts to him.) Anyway, his response was "OH MY GOD! THAT THERAPIST SOUNDS TERRIBLE! 'ask for the gift of total acceptance?!?' Is she INSANE?"

My further feedback about your therapist is this - look, sometimes a therapist will try to tell you the wrong thing. Maybe they really don't know, or maybe they are trying to prod you to see what's really rattling around. (My first therapist told me I was gender queer, lol!) The part where she ignores your wife's feelings about all this shows that's not the case. The LAST thing you should do, in all probability, is ask for the gift of total acceptance.

[Pat]

I'm kinda with PaulaQ here, that does not sound like sensible advice. I'm hoping maybe you're misunderstanding what they said.

Let's be clear on something -- if you went to the appointment dressed and you feel good about that you are transgender. You may not be transsexual, but that's different. If you are not cisgender male, you are transgender something. Trying to assign a percentage is just wrong-headed. That's just more binary thinking. You are not 40% of one binary value and 60% of another, you are 100% whatever you are, even if you haven't found words to express that yet. Ask if this therapist has actual experience with non-binary transgender people. If they do not, don't be their learning experience -- go find someone else.

Don't beat yourself up about "chickening out" on going into a ladies restroom. It's a daunting thing especially with all the focus that gets in the news. I live in Mass where it's been totally legal for transgender people to use whatever restroom is appropriate since last October and I only just started using multi-stall ladies rooms in January. It can take a while to clear that hurdle.

[JeanTG]

Just a point, the percentage is really my assessment. It really just means that 40% of the time I am happy presenting as a woman, and at other times as a man. Periods of high stress and anxiety can reverse that. I agree that I am "whole" and that this is just really a way to express how I feel at various times.

The main point that came out of the encounter is that I am not transgender enough to transition all the way to surgery. But I am not male enough to not need the ability to express femininity outwardly. Although I do think that to the degree I am expressing my femininity, I have *partly* transitioned. The most recent step I took was removing leg and body hair. I am so pleased with the result, that it has calmed down a lot of my body dysphoria. A hairy body wasn't even remotely feminine, and a hairless one is at least partly so.

So for the moment that puts me in a "happy place" as far as transition goes. What needs work now is the DADT situation and I think that has to be my focus, one small victory at a time. Things HAVE evolved. From plain black or white panties to pink and lacy ones, from pretending it doesn't exist to recognizing that it does happen and that it is my house too, and from using euphemisms like "underwear" and "the issue" to saying "panties" and "crossdresser" in reference to what I wear, and what I am.

I do owe a lot to our gay friends and acquaintances for those small victories. Now I have to think of an easy to swallow next step, and that's where the therapist suggested that I ask, for the "gift of acceptance" at a birthday or anniversary, but leave it up to her to suggest a degree of acceptance that she can live with now. Because tolerance is just intolerance by another name ("I don't like it but I have no choice to put up with it")