What if there was the Internet when I was 5?

[NikiMichelle]

Hello all! I am a CD that is moving quickly thru my 50's and started to CD when I was around five; why I started is beyond me.

Last night I watched a TED talk on TV on treating transgender kids and the positive outcomes occurring these days. It hit me somewhat as I watched it with respect to it gave me pause to wonder who/what/where would I be today if I had had access to all the information on the internet/social media on the transgender phenomenon we have today?

I ask myself this because as I was very young at starting CD'ing in the 1960's and I felt that it was very wrong and I was afraid of being caught by my parents. I also knew absolutely nothing about CD'ing or what transgender was. At times throughout my early childhood and through to mid-teens I had feelings of wanting to be a female. It was not strong enough of a feeling to say that I was saying to myself that I was a girl in a boy's body but again, "what did I know about this feeling"?

So I continued to hide my CD tendencies from everyone and was very alone in my thoughts.

So I wonder what might have been my path in life if there was the Internet and the level of awareness we have today on this matter. Would I have been able to open up to my parents as I learned more about who I was from accessing what we have now and would my parents have been knowledgable as well and want to help me through my struggles?

Would I have taken a different route from the one I followed of total secrecy and conforming to being a boy's boy???

I am not despondent over my life choices as I am in a good spot; last night just triggered that thought.

Does anyone else feel the same?

[bridget thronton]

I have often heard the comment - I no longer felt alone when I discovered others on the internet - so perhaps it would have made a difference

[Stephanie47]

If the Internet was around when I started by desires to wear women's clothing, I would have know that I was not alone. I don't know if the material on the Internet would have been valid. Back in the 1950's and 1960's and probably before men wearing women's clothing were deviants. The content would have had to change. The perception of sexuality would have had to change. Otherwise, all there would have been is a reaffirmation of why my parents would have beaten the shit out of me, if they caught me wearing my mother's clothing.

One thing for sure that would have been a positive change is I would have been able to view on the Internet nice colorful advertisements of women wearing women's clothing rather than the black and white ads in the New York Daily News.

[StephanieM]

Perhaps if we had the net when I was a teenager, I would have been able to accept myself much sooner as being CD.

[Robin777]

If I had the net back when I started dressing around 50 years ago, I think things would have turned out a lot different for me. If I had access to the information I do now,I know I would have made peace with myself a lot sooner knowing that there is a large community of people like me out there. Who knows what would have taken place in my life if I had more resources for information back then.

[Jenni Yumiko]

There was an internet of sorts in the 70's. bbses were pretty popular when I was growing up.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Michelle, I know the feelings, As I am almost half way through my 70s' and have been in this program for 70yrs,

Way back then CDing was a very lonely place to be, Information was very few and far between .

I often wonder what CDing would have been like for me if we would have had the internet when I was growing up......

[Lana Mae]

I am sure there would have been some changes. I may have put a handle on all of this before 2015! Prior to that I had no idea! In my teens I wanted to be a girl sometimes but was not sure why! Not sure about the wrong body thing. I am happy that things have turned out alright! Hugs Lana Mae

[Leslie Mary S]

I an in the middle 70s too. I started using the internet with ARPANET when I was with the military. In the 80s, I was active on the local Bulletin Board nets. and started my AOL account, I had a 3 digit account number and my log-in was Echo01. Actually, I used AOL before some of the Bulletin Boards. I started out with a Timex Sinclair computer and a Commodore 64 computer at home. While I tried using the Timex I eventually used only the commodore for the BBs and Internet activity, it was faster.

[Sharon B.]

I can remember being in a department store waiting on my mother and sister they left me in a section and told me to stay there. Back then you didn't dare wonder off because if we did you would get a good spanking. It was the perfume section and next to it was the lingerie section this was back in the early 60's. Anyway there was a couple that was buying all kinds of lingerie when they got up to the cashier, the cashier being nosy asked if they lost all of it in a fire and the woman said no this is all for him. Right then I knew I wasn't alone in wearing woman's clothes.
Getting back to the question yes I would have came out earlier and could have accepted myself earlier.

[MakeupRox]

NikiMichelle,
Ive often had the same thoughts/question. I have wanted to be feminine all my life. At a younger age, I don't know if that means that I wanted to be a female, but I suspect that is the case. I have often asked myself & other CD/TG friends, what would have happened if i/we had todays internet at 9, 14, or 19, or even 24? I think I might have opted for SRS, and very possibly would have had HRT. The resources today are much more easily obtained. Acceptance is getting better, but has a long way to go. But is a word away from where it was growing up in a small town in Colorado during the 70s & 80s. I remember bands like Poison and many of the 80s groups....the guys had the makeup thing going. I remember hoping that that fashion would become mainstream. This would only allowed my desire to be feminine publicly more acceptable.

Great post & question!!!

[NikiMichelle]

Thanks all for the replies. This is proof that nobody needs to feel alone in our CD world; unlike the way it was "way back in the dark ages"!

[CONSUELO]

I started dressing in lingerie at every opportunity when I was very young, perhaps around 5 or 6. My exploration of sexuality was via cross dressing as I found it intensely arousing. I was also very interested in human sexuality in general and I came across a book on human sexuality that belonged to my much older sisters and I "devoured" it. I even used to copy sections of the book into notebooks. Sex was almost an obsession for me well before I became pubescent. I would look for books but I could find very little and dictionary definitions were of no use at all to me. I had no idea about the experience of others. I was a "transvestite island".

If I had had access to the Internet I probably would have been searching as many sites on transvestism and human sexuality as I could find. It would have been overload. I'm not sure what effect it would have had on me and whether it would have made me a different person. I don't know if I would have been drawn to pornographic sites. I'm sure I would have been very interested to see others who found cross dressing compelling. What is completely unknown is whether all of this would have led me to understand and come to terms with my desires. Perhaps if I had been able to access a site like this it would have helped but I would have had to lie about my age in order to do so.

I find this to be a very interesting question as it raises a number of issues around exploration and understanding and how our life pathway would have perhaps been changed because of better access to information and perhaps increased knowledge. What would be interesting is for someone who has grown up with cross dressing during the Internet age to tell us their experience.

[Maria Blackwood]

I would be Empress of the world now, ruling from the Lioness Throne in Las Vegas.

[Lily Catherine]

I actually had the Net when I began crossdressing (or what I knew to be), but never could search it up till it was too late. I was a lot less religious at that age (11-12) so I'd probably think a lot less of my current concerns. I might have found acceptance everywhere but my home though. However it would be a lot more likely I'd have stronger arguments when I got outed, which would give me a more persuasive case. On a brighter note I might actually have taken the initiative to come out to my family first with whatever narrative I could think of, although I might as well have went back even further into secrecy by the same token, reciting the same old confessions (and making a joke of the entire affair), repeating the same prayers into sheer meaninglessness, which would do nobody any good.

At 5, I wasn't allowed near the dial-up connection.

[ronda]

I don't know if having that info would have been good or bad I often think that had I known what I know now at 18 I would most likely would be a woman today but then I would not have had my kids and I would not have my 22 grand kids or my 12 great grand kids which I adore today so we all are where we are for a reason

[NikiMichelle]

I am right with you Consuelo! Very nice reply.

[~Joanne~]

There certainly was the sense of loneliness before the internet. The "I am the only one" thoughts and everything else that comes with it. Being completely CD though, I wonder if i would have embraced the dressing as i do now and what I would have looked like had I been one of the younger CD's that we have here then. Questions we will never have answers for because the time has passed but it is food for thought.

[NikiMichelle]

I agree Joanne and I sometimes wonder how much enjoyment I missed out on because of the fear and shame I lived with until I finally came to accept what I was. The Internet certainly helped me educate myself on being transgendered without a doubt.

[Lux]

There is no doubt that I would have gotten out SO much more. More importantly as a child I wouldn't have dealt with the immense shame believing I was all alone in wanting to dress. If YouTube was around when I was a teen, this girl would have have owned her Fierceness much much earlier!!

[rebecca_ns]

It may sound cliched, but if I had the resources available to me then, that I do now, life would be much different for me. I would like to think that I would have come out much, much sooner. I would have known what gender dysphoria, and transgender meant a long time ago. I would have had a better handle on my own mental heath. It's kind of a catch 22. I probably would have transitioned a long time ago, but then, I wouldn't have my wife or my darling little muffin.