Left for crossdressing... maybe?

[MaybeMichelle?]

My wife of 10 years left me a few months back. She was always (verbally, at least) 100% in favor of me exploring my desires to crossdress. And yet... looking back, I can see a clear correlation between her lessening interest in our marriage, and my levels of feminine expression. And you know what? I'd understand that. When we got married, she had no idea of this side of me. And if she decided that, because of my... genderfluidity, or whatever, I was no longer what she wanted for a life partner, I'd understand that. I'd be hurt, but I'd understand. I have my own standards for who I'd want to be with. It's just, she never said that it was a problem. She listed other problems (and certainly some of them were legit. Our marriage might have fallen apart without this.). But she's never stated even the slightest discomfort with my crossdressing. But the discomfort was there. I could see it. And I wish we could talk about it.

I don't know, I guess I'm just posting because I suspect other people out there have been through similar shit.

[docrobbysherry]

Nope. Every time my ex brought up my dressing the therapist blew it off. What she really wants is more money anyway.

[Stephanie47]

The answer to your question may be as simple as she did not want to hurt you. She may have thought you were a nice person, but, the feminine expression is something that just did not factor into her idea of a husband. I suppose the alternative could have been to fight you every time you wanted to go further into your journey. And, if she protested what would have been your reaction? Increase levels of discontent over a lack of expression? At an age of middle thirties there is still a lot of living left to do. It sounds as if she may have been astute enough to realize in the long run neither of you would have been truly happy.

[Tracii G]

I think Stephanie is right to some degree.
You aren't the man she married you admitted to that already and if she wants out of the marriage let her go .
My second wife walked out after 7 years and to be honest she was getting crazy so I am glad she left.
You can't force a person to stay if they are unhappy so its best to let them go.

[mbmeen12]

Yes you will get a thousand different divorce stories here. All could and will ring truths to why a partnership ends. 1st it's so costly in a no fault divorce state and if she didnt work or was equal in status, then alimony was rendered, health benefits etc. Time to go your own way and live life large. I speak from experience because just recently of my life changing event too.

Good luck and you will do well.

[CarlaWestin]

Yep, a thousand different divorce stories. I don't believe I've ever seen wedding vows that mentioned anything other than being loving, loyal and devoted.
My ex used my gender expression as a divorce weapon. Thank goodness all of her baggage is someone else's problem.
My Wife isn't thrilled about my proclivity but, we're a loving unit and don't pile on.
Life's too short.

[alwayshave]

Michelle, Had my ex-wife known of my CDing she would have used it against me. Even without it I have not seen my children in years (now adults). My fiancee has made threats, but that seems to have settled down. Good luck, it is a struggle we all deal with.

[Ressie]

From my experience, it takes a woman a while to conclude that the relationship isn't ideal. Crossdressing may be part of the equation, but there are lots of marriages that end for other reasons. I think DocRS is on target concerning money - how much, how it is spent, leads to disagreements (fights), which is the most common reason for divorce.

Some women accept crossdressing but it's put on the minus list of pluses/minuses. Add a couple more minuses and...

[sometimes_miss]

AT this point, it's almost politically incorrect to do anything bad to someone who's trangendered in any way. As mentioned, she may not have wanted to hurt you any more, as splitting up is hard enough on someone. That said, my ex made it very clear that the crossdressing was the primary reason. At least it wasn't mentioned in the divorce proceedings, but while we were in therapy she made it quite plain that it was the primary problem. She didn't want to be married to a crossdresser.

[Tama]

I don't know if I am particularly wise or paranoid but, when the wife and I are hanging out together with my pastime, now and then I squeeze in an question as to how She's (or not) enjoying it. Even asking for dressing involvement or advice.. If the enjoyment for Her has decreased (hasn't yet fortunately) I would rephrase my questions/ conversation to what She no longer likes or enjoys..go from there
Is anyone else keeping the conversation channels open and clear? If so is it working?

[TrishaTX]

I have always had a different view on this especially for those married for a number of years. My relationship is far from perfect but I have to tell you, if you love someone, you love them. I don't understand anything else...how does some clothes kill that? I don't mean full gender change but more around crossdressing.

I love my wife and have done everything for her. I know she is hesitant about my dressing etc etc etc, but why? Love is love not clothes, or sickness, injury etc...I personally think it is too easy to give up and leave. No-one wants to work at it...Im sorry just my opinion. Ill say it again, if you love someone you love them...period.

[RobynT]

Michelle, three years ago I met someone, the first one who I confided in about my dressing... I posted here about how great it was to have someone who said they were understanding, and would even like to bring things home she found , and thought I would like....Thought i had it made until the world turned..... the relationship changed... at first into a DADT situation, which I was ok with, then she dropped the bomb..... said it was all a lie, said it freaked her out, and that I needed to be a real man....( didn't realize that I wasn't) I always split my two sides fairly well. Smooth and dressing in the winter and back to the drab self in the summer. The balance worked for me. Apparently not for her.... We went through the typical breakup bullsh>> and I was crushed about some of the things she said.... At the other end of it, I realized it was her issue and not mine... Said good by, and am better for it...We are not always understood, we are not always accepted, but we are always here, and have been. While still single, I dress more, am more comfortable with me, It took a bit, some reflection on who I am.... but in the end, I have to be true to myself... we try to change and adapt to those who cant understand, or just don't want to. The world is getting more and more full of those who get it...Life is short, find that someone who gets it and wants to be with you.... all sides of you. Lose that person that drags you down, wife, lover, friend or so called friend. Be yourself, be free, and **** those who don't get it.....Their Loss...
end of rant....

[Joni T]

My first wife didn't know about my dressing. Hell, I didn't understand it myself. My second wife knew about it and didn't have a problem with it--so she said--but she left me for some dude in her bowling league. I guess I'll never know, not that it matters any more.
Jon

[ronniegirl]

Trisha, I kind of feel pretty much the same as you do...If you love someone I don't understand why something that brings pleasure and serenity to that person should be a subject of derision or a source for resentful feelings..If my SO gets pleasure from something that I may not necessarily like I still would accept it because I love that person..Apparently not everyone thinks like that.(sic)

[TrishaTX]

Ronnie, that is my thought. when you are with someone there will always be things that you don't totally like, but you do because that person likes it. A food place, a little cuter, a certain thing sexually, parents etc ...all can be worked out...but me dressing for a day or two a month is an issue...sorry I hid this forever...just cannot anymore. If you love me ...you love me!

Robyn, great story and good for you.You are worth someone that wants you...

[kimdl93]

I have a very similar experience. My wife knew of my cross dressing from before our engagement, and seemed to be ok with it as over the years, I got more and more deeply involved. During the last couple years of our marriage I was living pretty much full time, out to some friends and in my mind, everything was just perfect. Cept it wasn't. My wife had been repressing her dissatisfaction and, honestly, apparent revulsion. Then one day, it was over. She couldn't cope and I entirely understood. I didn't want to lose her, made the best effort I could to repress my own desires, but by then the damage was evidently irreparable.

[Allsteamedup]

The changes you make over the years may be small, baby steps say some, but a woman can wake up after, say, ten years of this and realise that the feminisation has reached a stage where she hardly recognises the man any more. Even in male clothing the changes you have made are there for all to see. So even without your frock you look more womanly. Add to that the mental and emotional changes of your head being filled with womanliness almost all the time and you partner may feel there is nothing left for her in what started out as her lifetime's relationship.

And if she mentioned how much had changed your respose would be......?

[somestimeskaren]

I told my ex about my desire to crossdress after we were married a few years and she was o.k with it as long as it stayed in the bedroom ,I was o.k with that.When we split my dressing wasn't an issue.After she left I was able to take my dressing to new heights and I've never been happier.A blessing in disguise.

[kimdl93]

Mark Twain remarked that history does not repeat itself, but often rhymes. So it is with relationships and their endings. Certainly there familiar themes. And one of them is waning attraction...physically and emotionally. my long marriage began with both being intense and mutually satisfying. My ex knew of my CDing, expressed some concerns and we had some limits, but over time, I periodically pushed, stretched and eventually burst the envelope. It still took her several years to let go of her attachments to me. Unfortunately, as she was going through this process, I was to self absorbed to fully appreciate what was happening. By the time she came out...with her wish to end our marriage...she was unwilling or unable to reconsider.

In my case there was perhaps a 5-7 year window where I might have turned the tide, had I been more attentive to her.

[MaybeMichelle?]

Thanks to all of you for replying! I suppose it's pretty much what I expected; everybody's story is different. This really helps me put my story into perspective, ways in which others have had it better, ways in which they've had it worse. And I realize now that there's really only two possibilities: either my dressing was NOT a factor, in which case I should stop worrying that it was, or it WAS a factor, in which case our relationship was doomed in the long run, because I don't intend to stop.