Fem chioces taking over...

[Ceera]

I count myself as gender fluid right now. Born male, and having lived the first 50+ years of my life denying any feminine urges, I have accepted in the last few years that enjoy presenting as a female as much as I enjoy life as a male - maybe I even prefer being female. I haven't started HRT or any other medical trnsition, but I can pass quite well as a woman now. And more and more often, if there is a choice to be made, it is my fem side that is becoming my preferred mode of living.

Socially, I strongly prefer to interact as a female. I virtually never go to a bar or to a dance any more as a male. The last time I went out to socialize as a male was to play darts with some friends. But even when taking my daughter out to dinner or to shop at the mall, I prefer to be en-femme.

Out shopping? It's my fem side buying clothes, shoes and jewelry. "That guy" hardly spends anything on himself.

This last year, I've slowly been easing my way back into a historical reenactment group that I used to be active with about 24 years ago in this region - the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA). Most of the people who knew me as a male in that group, in this region that I recently moved to, have dropped out of the SCA long ago. The few who still remember me don't know me very well any more. So when I started to get active again, I set up two memberships - one for my former male self, and one as my female self. Both made their appearance at a summer camping event this last year, and my fem side was completely accepted, even by my old friends, who saw 'her' as someone new to them. At a winter dinner party event, only the female side of me attended - and again I was fully accepted at face value, even by people who knew me years ago as a male. The summer event is coming up again in May, and while I'll be there in both male and female personas, the female side is looking likely to dominate my time, this time around.

I've been unemployed for six months. So I am looking to find new ways to earn money. Well, at the SCA events I used to set up as a merchant, and sell woodworking that I had created. Certainly I could do that again, or I could sell books and other things that I already own, and which would sell well to the SCA people. And yet... I found that as I planned that, it was almost a given that it would be the female side of me running that new business endeavor. Not only would 'Katherine', my new SCA persona, sell books and other things at the upcoming SCA event, but I could also do a similar sales booth at the upcoming Pagan Pride festival... Maybe at other places too. I spent a fair part of the day today trying to come up with a unique business name, and preparing to register that name as a business and get my fem side's bank to accept that assumed business name the same as they do my female name as Ceera.

While my day-to-day life still has me in male mode more often then en-femme, the largest restriction there is financial. The cost of the makeup and te wear and tear on my 'nice clothes' limit how much I dress en-femme when I am not going out, and I am going out less often to save on expenses.

If money were no object, I am beginning to think I would medically transition soon, despite my age. But that is just a dream for me right now, with no job and no insurance to pay for the procedures. I might transition socially and legally, though, and get my name and gender legally changed...

The girl is stronger than the guy in my mind right now. It's interesting watching that develop.

[Rachael Leigh]

Ceera, I know where your coming from, I too, now that I'm older and have accepted me and my gender fluidness find I would much rather do things en fem. it's not always pratical to do so so I still do a lot of things en drab but the girl in me
wants to be out more often then not

[Diane Taylor]

I'm at a point where I'm always more female than male whether I'm home or out. As time went on, my fem side became stronger and my male side started to fade away. I don't miss the male part of me that is gone.

[AliB]

I have been on a two path journey all my life. As a child my female side was strong; it ebbed in my high school years somewhat as I worked to repress it, but at college it was male for classes and female the rest of the time. when I started dating I thought I had put my female side away: wrong. I have stayed married, have 3 children and still walk two paths.
Ali

[Richelle]

Ceera,

I am like you, I prefer to be out in the world enfem. Now days the only time I wear men's shirts and pants is when I have to for work. Fortunitly that is now only few times a year.

[GretchenM]

Hi Ceera,

You and I have quite a few similarities with respect to gender. However, there are some big differences as well. I understand what you are saying and that is a difficult situation. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find work and a new home in Eugene. I understand that is a rather open and accepting city like Denver is. That is certainly a plus.

As for the gender aspects, for me I am much more into the feminine behavior than the dressing. Dressing is important sometimes as a validation, but as I don't go out much it is not all that essential. It sounds to me that your overall personality is fairly strongly feminine, but the masculine is still there in a subordinate fashion. For me Gretchen is far more important than the male with respect to behavior, but the male is the primary mode of wearing clothes. I really love the behavioral patterns Gretchen brings to the table as her male companion can be just a little too masculine. But, in truth, both exist together 99% of the time and deal with each other in a collaborative fashion. There is very little conflict any more. It is an extremely comfortable state, but not being able to dress when the need arises (a DADT arrangement with my dear wife) can produce some conflict, but not between the far ranges of the identity scale I live by. The conflict is over a lack of full freedom and complete acceptance that culture and society imposes. There seems to be a lot of tolerance, but not so much acceptance of gender variance being just another variation on the standard masculine and feminine conditions. That said, I usually go into androgynous dress mode, which my wife accepts as long as it doesn't go too far, and that satisfies the need to dress for awhile.

I wish you the best of luck and remember there are many who care a great deal about you.

xoxo
Gretchen