Questions I ask myself

[kimdl93]

I've been on a hiatus as I worked on recovery from the collapse of my marriage and the aftermath. CDing and gender identity were the core issues. Needless to say, I've spent a lot of time in therapy and introspection

I have many questions and few answers. Among the questions are:

Is there an element of exhibitionism in my desire to tell people about my proclivities and in going Public? I don't dress in a risqué manner, but I have to admit it's a rush.

Am I taking unfair advantage of those friends and family that I confide in?

Does my desire or need reflect an obsessive/compulsive personality or sexual addiction?

Have any of you had similar concerns?

[Diane Taylor]

I wouldn't call it exhibitionism to want to tell people about your activities. I think it's more of wanting to get a load off your shoulders because keeping things inside you for a long time can be quite a burden.
I also don't think you are taking advantage of others because of what you're doing. As for the final question.......My concerns for others shrank when I realized that I had to live for me and not live for what others wanted me to be.

[Teresa]

Kim,
I've come to the conclusion that we get to a certain when these questions become almost irrelevant .

I will add that to me now I've looked deeper most of those questions are answered by AGP, I want to be seen and accepted as a woman. If people don't see me in person I usually have some pictures with me, to me it's not exhibitionist , I'm showing a part of me I'm no longer ashamed of.

You have to be careful not to overdo talking about it or showing pictures, you may want to talk about it but there's a limit to what other people want to. I will add that I'm asked to show any new pictures, I have made more women friends and not one has a problem, they love to see my outfits and talk about them.

To answer the question about your dressing desires , I found it beneficial to go back to how my Cding started, I have the gut feeling or need 24/7 so I wanted answers . I contacted people outside the forum with my story and had it confirmed that AGP was my problem. The confusion I had was it initially only applied to TSs , when I questioned that I was sent information relating to TGs with AGP, that was like reading my life story , it all fell into place. Despite what others might tell you it's not all related to the sexual component, in my case it mostly is. I have to accept that, it's something that happened when I was 8-9 years old and nothing has changed that but there should be no shame with something that's locked in our heads.

The only thing I didn't expect is the need is getting stronger, when I expected it be be dying down, if the circumstance were right I would now be going full time , it feels so right.

[LilSissyStevie]

I've read a ton of TG erotic literature and the "getting caught" and "reveal" themes are very common. The best explanation I can come up with for why this sort of thing can be arousing is something I'll call an anxiety fetish. I read one time that the part of the brain that deals with anxiety is closely related to the part that deals with sexual arousal. I don't know how true that is but it sounds good. A good example of an anxiety based fetish is the balloon fetish (google it!) People that may have been traumatized by popping balloons in childhood sometimes grow up to find balloons and especially exploding balloons sexually arousing. I had never heard of this phenomenon but it's common enough that there was even a Simpson's episode about it. It makes sense then that just about anything that is traumatic or causes anxiety could be sexualized if it happens within a window of sexual imprinting. So in my case, being thought of as effeminate or a sissy caused me great anxiety in pre-puberty but became a turn on after puberty. Unfortunately, this knowledge doesn't make it go away since sexual imprints are thought to be permanent. However, I no longer worry that it "means" anything like that I'm gay or transsexual. Of course, that takes some of the fun out of it, too. YMMV obviously.

[kimdl93]

Interesting observations, thank you! I learn a more from listening to others, then viewing myself through that somewhat perspective. its a little like gazing at a star through visible light, then switching to the same ultra violet. You see things that are there, but not apparent to the unaided observer.

[PaulaQ]

@Kim2015 - have you considered the possibility that you want to tell everyone because - wait for it - you are a woman? Even if it isn't that, you are keeping a secret, hiding part of who you really are. Even if who you are is "just a CD" - it can be soul-crushing to hide things about yourself. Believe me, I know. So much more so if it's your identity you are hiding.

@Teresa - we talked about the intensity of your feelings increasing more than once, if I recall. It is a CLASSIC symptom of Gender Dyphoria...

I wish y'all would stop trying to apply fetish to the gender dysphoria that so many of you suffer from. It's unhelpful. Deal with them separately until proven otherwise. Trust me, I have a big ol' stock of fetishes. They have NOTHING to do with my gender identity, and never have.

Relating most of what goes on here - there are some exceptions - to fetish is just a red herring.

[Rachelakld]

For me :-
yes to exhibitionism,
unfair advantage - how? I'm not taking anything away from them, maybe enriching their life experiences but ont removing anything from them.
not sexual - never been arroused while out in public while dressed
obsessive/compulsive - no, mine is an expression of Dual personalities (my male & female have lots of different likes and views on issues)

Concerns - A bit worried about the sun expanding into a red giant or large metorites hitting us and also why I haven't won lotto yet, but otherwise not really

[lingerieLiz]

I found LilSissyStevie's suggestion of sexual imprinting interesting. One of my earliest memories was of a large number of women getting ready for a party. They were excited about the end of WWII and were breaking out their prettiest dresses and lingerie for the party. One of the women put lipstick on me. I thought I wanted to be just like them when I grew up. It had nothing to do with sexuality. I was too young to know the difference between the sexes.

At about 4 or 5 my mother put me in panties for a day and from then on it was all I wanted to wear. I soon wore dresses. I'm more interested in the clothes and looks. When I was young I didn't know what I was supposed to be. I soon realized that I was not attracted to men. When I was young I did pass, but today I don't try to pass and couldn't.

[docrobbysherry]

-----------------------------------------
I wish y'all would stop trying to apply fetish to the gender dysphoria that so many of you suffer from. It's unhelpful. Deal with them separately until proven otherwise. Trust me, I have a big ol' stock of fetishes. They have NOTHING to do with my gender identity, and never have.

Relating most of what goes on here - there are some exceptions - to fetish is just a red herring.

I have agree with Paula on this point. Altho, I'm FAR from an expert on GD. Because I started dressing late in life, I never dealt with the gender issues most of u did early on.

However, I AM quite familiar with sexual, fetish if u like, involvement in dressing. It's apples and oranges for me. I finally worked out that I'm a CD. But, that isn't a sexual issue.

One part of me loves going out dressed, but only with other dressers. With nary a sexual thot all nite. This is where I still struggle with gender issues. Go out dressed or in drab?

Then, there's part of me that gets aroused at certain times when I dress in private. Teresa's AGP? Nothing gender related involved. I just get turned on by Sherry. Similar to my morning showers. Except that the image in the mirror is a LOT more compelling!

If anyone is confusing these 2 issues? Guilt is the only related issue in my experience.

[PaulaQ]

@docrobbysherry - mic drop.

Seriously, you nailed it. My jaw dropped when I read your reply. My god.

Then, there's part of me that gets aroused at certain times when I dress in private

This is one of the things that suggests this is not entirely a gender identity issue with you. If it were, your sexualization of it would end. Mine certainly did. So yes, you are a CD.

BTW, you were, in my estimation, the most likely person to be purely a fetishist - but I never really believed that. But people reading this should make note of that. I appreciate and acknowledge your self awareness. Well done, hon. Well done.

[kimdl93]

Guilt is certainly a unifying principle. its true, it feels good to open up about deep dark, closely held secrets. It's probably healthy, when done in an appropriate way...whatever that might be. And maybe I'm overly harsh in characterizing that positive feeling as an imposition on the confidante. Finding a reason to feel guilty about being open.

At this moment, I'm still regretting what I imagine were many incremental hurts that my ex endured...abrasions wearing away her self esteem and image of who I was. In retrospect it feels abusive and self indulgent. Regardless of how I characterize myself, the hurts I inflicted were real.

[LilSissyStevie]

I wish y'all would stop trying to apply fetish to the gender dysphoria that so many of you suffer from. It's unhelpful. Deal with them separately until proven otherwise. Trust me, I have a big ol' stock of fetishes.

That's like saying that if someone goes to the doctor with a cough we have to assume it's mesothelioma until proven to be just a common cold. Transsexuality is rare, fetishistic crossdressing is vastly more common. Step outside the transgender bubble sometime and you will see it. What makes this fetish so powerful is belief in the fantasies that fuel it. It's much more powerful to believe I really am a woman in some way than to just wish I was one. I don't try to decide who is or is not TS. I just know that transsexuality is rare and I can confidently tell the average CD that what they are experiencing is most likely a fetish and not to do anything stupid. I won't be wrong very often. What's really unhelpful is the attempt to convince every CD that there is more going on than the obvious.

[docrobbysherry]

That is well put, Stevie! And, explains clearly why it took me many YEARS to figure out I hadn't suddenly become gay just because of my fantasies of being a woman with men!

And, why it took nearly 5 years after joining cd.com to realize I was waiting in vain for the, "female inside me", to suddenly appear!

As humans we too often over think things.

[IleneD]

Kim:

Yes.
No.
Not necessarily but quite possible.
Yes.

One of the things that catches my attention (and not in a good way), is the number of my fellow CDs who are in or have been to therapy. I'm pretty certain I'm not crazed or disturbed, and can't imagine why I would NEED therapy (to tell me what I already know, but not why). Am I missing out on something by not having a therapist? Seriously...... I don't mean to diminish the anguish that gender and sexual identity crises can bring, but is there any CD out there, well-adjusted, living the dream and not having to undress their psyche & soul before a therapist?

And Kim.... good luck dear. Sorry to hear about anyone's marriage relationship going down. Be well.

[PaulaQ]

Well bless your heart LilSissyStevie, I was hoping you'd reply!

Transsexuality is rare, fetishistic crossdressing is vastly more common.

I'm not a transsexual. I don't acknowledge that word. I find it offensive, actually. I reject the condition of being transgender being medicalized.

Step outside the transgender bubble sometime and you will see it.

Interestingly enough, I am one of the leads in a large social group comprised mostly of CDs, although some trans women attend their gatherings. So I meet some CDs that way, since it's a CD group, you know.

I have CDs who attend the trans support group I lead here in Dallas - I welcome all people who are transgender, whether they transition, or are "just a CD." If what it says on your birth certificate doesn't fit who you are very well, you are welcome in my group. We actually talk about transition relatively little - there are so many more things we all have in common. We don't attempt to define who will or won't or should or shouldn't transition.

I've taken a number of CDs from this site around the gayborhood in Dallas.

There is a fetish based CD group that I haven't attended yet, mostly because I'm afraid it would be a marriage ending event. However, I have to be honest that I think the main fetishists there are the cisgender women who lead that group. I've got a number of friends who go to those parties, and there are a lot of CDs who attend. (In fact, it's mostly CDs - some of the language they use sort of annoys me, to be honest.) But perhaps I ought to check out that group, since you feel I live in some sort of a bubble? I mean those parties generally involve a lot of kink and sex, so surely if I were going to find dedicated fetishists, that'd be the place, right?

So since you feel my bonafides are in question, could you do me a favor? Reply with a note that I can show my husband to convince him that it would be OK for me to go to these parties for pedagogical purposes. I mean sure - I can ask him "Honey, can I go to a party where a bunch of CDs, cisgender women, and trans women are going to have kinky sex? It's for science!" - or - I could just save time and put him on the phone with a divorce lawyer?

But maybe if you ask - he'd consider it? I'd just show him your reply - and maybe he'd say "Sure Paula, I think you probably DON'T understand CDs and so you should go to the big monthly "gurls night out" kinky sex CD party! You're just so judgmental to those poor CDs on the forum - you need to lighten up." Hey, I'm a good wife - if my husband suggests I should go - I'll go!

It's much more powerful to believe I really am a woman in some way than to just wish I was one. I don't try to decide who is or is not TS. I just know that transsexuality is rare and I can confidently tell the average CD that what they are experiencing is most likely a fetish and not to do anything stupid. I won't be wrong very often. What's really unhelpful is the attempt to convince every CD that there is more going on than the obvious.

Nobody has to do anything medical to be transgender. Please stop with the whole "TS" thing. That's so 1981... I know the site uses those terms, but - yuck. BTW, you don't have to suffer from gender dysphoria to be trans. Nor will all people who have gender dysphoria transition. My observation was simply that many CDs seem to suffer from a fairly mild form of gender dysphoria. Of course they'll never transition - but they seem different than say the puppy play people I know. (I live down the street from the place where the folks who are into that in Dallas shop.)

BTW, I found that the entire world telling us "you aren't a woman and can never be one", the threat of loss of job, family, spouse, friends, and all the other forms of discrimination is usually enough to convince people who aren't really sincere to not transition.

Anyway, feel free to reply in thread, or PM me a note to my husband asking for me to attend "Kara's Gurl's Night Out Party", for educational purposes only, of course. I'll share it with him and let you know what he says. And perhaps since I'll see some more CDs in actual fetish situations, it'll change my entire world view on all things trans.

I await your reply.

[Beverley Sims]

I think you just want to share your experiences with others.

Try a support group where you can share your experiences.

[kimdl93]

It's true, I an a social animal and would prefer to be open....hiding seems to reinforce the taboo. A group would be good because I wouldn't feel I was imposing myself.

[CarlaWestin]

All very good responses here. In my personal situation I've found that the prominence of CD matures with age as the guilt and shame melts away. One day there's just a turning point in the journey where you revel in self acceptance and move on from there. I don't broadcast my gender exploration with everyone I know but, if ever confronted with it, there would be no denial. Kim, you're a survivor of a traumatic nightmare. You'll look back on this some years from now and realize you were just trying to conform into a box you didn't fit in. You're on your way to defining yourself for you.

[kimdl93]

Ilene, thanks for the comments. Re therapy, I think it's appropriate if one is hurting emotionally. Not it means one is necessarily clinically ill. It's at best someone who can offer empathy and guidance, perhaps treatment when merited. At worst I suppose someone who simply applies their particular interest or bias in a one size fits all manner. I've experienced both.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Hi Kim;

The loss of a marriage is one of the top stressors in life, add to that coming to terms with one of the issues that was a part of that loss is also stressful . Talking to others whether its a therapist, friends or strangers is cathartic and actually releases stress and is therefore healthy . Find someone you feel comfortable with and have lunch. I've met a number of people from this site and its always been a great time.

[Becky Blue]

Kim, I am not sure if this will help. A good friend of mine was a classic CD, usual story classic late onset trans. As her female side emerged she got VERY strong urges to tell people. We used to IM quite a bit at that time and her stories were actually hilarious at times as she would blurt out things to strangers at the most inopportune times. She landed up transitioning and is living very happily as a woman now. She self diagnosed her urge to tell people as a part of her getting self acceptance of who she really was.

Ladies, beware of theories that are built around behaviour... naturally they will at times be seen to fit.

[Steph65]

These questions come up all the time. Why do I do this why is it I enjoy that and many many more. We can take each part and tear it apart and look into every aspect of each question. You know the explanations here that all you beautiful women have given are really interesting in different points of view. One way I look at it is I am sick and tired of the way other men and women treat me like I have to have this big macho egotistical mantality that really pisses me off!!! Makes me sick of wanting to stay as a guy.... I want change I want a different life style a different view and being treated differently. Yes alot of those questions come to mind..... is it the possibility of people finding out> is it the way you want to be percieved. All I know is when the questions come up I ask the same. Along with this. Do I really look like a woman or am I just trying to kid myself?

[MaybeMichelle?]

I've been thinking about my own porn addiction, and how it relates to my dressing. And I think I've come to the conclusion that, while it is true that my addiction led me to realize my desire, that does NOT mean my desire is merely a product of my addiction. I don't think it's an accident that the generations that have been raised with access to internet pornography are more open-minded about sexual orientation and gender identity. That doesn't mean porn hasn't caused other problems, either in society or in our own personal lives. But it does mean that, whatever those problems, it also had a beneficial side effect, which was that people can now see the full spectrum of human sexuality. So while I regret the problems that porn has introduced to my life, I no longer regret the benefit it brought me of helping me begin to understand my relationship to my body and my gender.