The next step in my journey begins

[AlyssaJ]

I've not been a member of this forum for very long, but have been dealing with in some way (mostly through denial) the issues of gender dysphoria for a long time. Overtime, my understanding of myself has grown from originally believing I had a crossdressing fetish, to identifying myself as genderfluid to finally really connecting with myself and understanding that I am indeed a trans woman.

Today was a big day for me, very exciting and very destructive all at once. Today, I got the letter, the one that opens the door to the first steps of medical transition via hormone replacement therapy I also have an initial appointment with an OB/GYN to start the process at the end of this month. I'm excited, scared, anxious and ecstatic all at the same time. This is a huge step forward for me and one that while coming quickly, I have spent considerable time and debate determining whether or not I should pursue it. In the end, I'm confident this is the right path for me and will finally set me on the road to finding true comfort with myself both physically and how I interact with the world.

Unfortunately, this also almost assuredly means the end of my marriage. I've been married to my high school sweetheart for 18 years and we've been together for 24. When I first came out to her as transgender, she set a line in the sand that if I were to pursue any physical altercations to my body (HRT, FFS, GRS) that she would not be able to stay with me. She is really struggling with the "death" of her husband and that came to the surface again today when I told her about my appointment and letter. She even referred to me as the bitch that took her husband away.

Yes there were a lot of hurtful things said today, lots of hurtful actions as well. She smashed a glass frame that had a photo of us, she removed her wedding and engagement rings from her hand. She admitted that while she loves me, she also hates the woman I'm becoming. I can't fault her for her feelings of loss, grief and anger, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I knew all along that if my journey took me down this path that I was most likely going to lose her, but I had hoped maybe we'd find a way through. We've been in couples counseling but now she's made it clear she will not go again. We've tried taking trips and just being together but it's not been enough. Somehow she believes that it will be less painful for her to remove me from her life completely than to stay and watch the woman I truly am take over the body that once belonged to her husband.

Right now the feeling, as you can imagine, is horrible. The only thing worse than the pain from her leaving is the pain from watching her suffer as well. I love her so much, I never wanted to hurt her in any way, but I don't feel like I had a choice anymore. The fact is I feel like this is the right decision for me and my family. With 39 years of repressed feelings bubbling to the surface, I can't imagine that keeping this secret tucked away any longer would have worked. I don't think I could have continued to be the husband I've been. Making the decisions to come out, to transition, to start HRT have been amazingly difficult ones but its time that I learn how to live authentically for the remaining time I have on this earth.

So I'll likely be more active in this TS board now. I've been lurking for a while reading many of the stories of struggle, confusion and triumph here and that has been helpful. I'm sure I'll have many questions along my way to transitioning to my full female self. I'm looking forward to meeting many of you whom I've not interacted with yet on other boards. I want to let you know in advance that I appreciate all your guidance, feedback, support and challenges as I work through this next phase of my journey.

[Mirya]

Sorry to hear about the difficulties between you and your wife. I think it's a typical outcome though. IMO it's almost unreasonable to ask a cis woman to stay with her spouse during and after she transitions from M to F. There are a few who do, but it seems to be very rare from what I've seen. I really feel awful for the wives who have to experience this, through no fault of their own. And of course it must be really tough for you to lose her too. It's just really hard for everyone involved...

Do you have any children? If so, how are they handling it?

[AlyssaJ]

Mirya I agree with you fully and in fact have told my wife that I think it's unreasonable for me to ask her to stay. She's been hard on herself about the fact that she can't "get over it" and I've actually tried to be affirming of her feelings and help her see it's OK. As painful as it is for me to lose her, I think the greater pain by far has been watching what this has done to her.

As far as kids, we have three. Our oldest is done with college and lives in LA now. She's non-binary herself so this hasn't been much of a struggle for her. Our two boys are high-school aged and have transgender friends. So thus far they've been able to adjust pretty easily. Mom leaving may change that a bit, but they do seem to have empathy for both her struggles and mine. My family overall has been amazing. My kids are supportive, my mom and dad are supportive and my sisters are super supportive to the point where we're getting together for a sisters' weekend in a few weeks and they're going to really help me acclimate to the more daily aspects of being a woman.

[Heidi Stevens]

Lisa, I am not one to offer pie in the sky when I know things are stacked against it. But if you could somehow be able to follow the path I am on, the loving union between you and your wife may have a chance. A lot of the ladies here are aware of my story, it is not the usual path taken by most.
Two years ago I was in the same position that you are today. All of those involved are aware that you are in a struggle to know who you are. You have decided that going forward will involve HRT. I know a lot us understand where you are.
Before I began HRT, I asked my wife for one last request. I asked for 6 months for us to see how the HRT effected me and her view of me. To gain this "last chance" I promised her that I would continue to present myself as male to her and those around us. If it didn't work, I would not stop us from separating and that I would move on. The deep love that is there between us let her agree that I could have 6 months.
Over those 6 months I held my end of the bargain true, began HRT and began to change. She started seeing these changes as well. If you read the stories of others as they begin HRT, though not all the exact same, most have become more stable, calmer and empathetic. My wife saw these traits in me. I also gave her as much of my love as I could. Showing her I was still the person she married, but I was trying to improve.
As the time progressed, she said her fears were lessening but was still not fully gone. We agreed to continue the conditions for staying together until it seemed unworkable. That's the state we are in today. Our love for each other is still strong. Though we do not have children, I'm sure yours would notice how you have changed over this six month chance. Just a few weeks ago, one of my wife's cousins noticed I was different than when she last saw me. But different in a good way. She noticed I was calmer, more self assured and cared more. She told us this out of the blue and her comment did not go unnoticed by my wife. We discussed this later and we agreed that we could continue together.
Now of course, there are the physical changes. Few changes take place externally in the first six months. Your skin should get softer but that's about it. Later your breasts will bud and your body fat will begin to migrate a bit, but these will take a long time to show. Taking HRT and staying in male mode is not that far off from males who are having therapy for prostate problems.
Bottom line, if she deep down still loves you and wants her in her life, she should agree to a sixth month trial period. If you feel the same about her, you will hold to any agreement you both come too. If she likes what she sees in you, the two of you can work on going forward. If after six months on HRT she does not see change, you will be where you are now. Give it a shot, you have nothing to lose, but might gain some trust from the love of your life. Good luck.

[AlyssaJ]

Heidi, thanks for your response. You've put into words something I was struggling with. How to get her to stay and at least try it before just leaving. I think your approach is perfect. So perfect in fact, would you give me your permission to print and share the text of your post (minus the last paragraph) with her? I don't want to violate any privacy or forum rules but I think allowing her to see that someone else is in the same boat and having success this way might help. Let me know your thoughts. Either way, you've given me something to work on here so I really appreciate it.

[Mirya]

Lisa, I'm glad to hear that your kids and so many of your family members are supporting you. I was not so lucky - I lost all my family and relatives except two.

Now of course, there are the physical changes. Few changes take place externally in the first six months. Your skin should get softer but that's about it. Later your breasts will bud and your body fat will begin to migrate a bit, but these will take a long time to show. Taking HRT and staying in male mode is not that far off from males who are having therapy for prostate problems.

I feel I need to say something about the above quoted text. While what Heidi said was true for her, at your age the physical changes happen much faster. Lisa, I'm about the same age as you, and I started HRT about a year ago. For me, it became extremely difficult to hide my growing breasts after just 3 months on HRT (and I used to have a completely flat chest). The only way I could kind-of sort-of manage it was to wear two layers, one of which was a very uncomfortable compression shirt. That ended up being a real pain to wear every day in the summer heat. I didn't last long doing things that way - I ended up going full time after just 4 months on HRT. Due to your age, you may not have the luxury of 6 months of presenting as unambiguously male once you begin HRT.

Regarding hormone therapy for prostate cancer treatment - keep in mind that more than 80% of prostate cancers are diagnosed in men who are 65 or older. At that age, hormone therapy won't cause as many physical changes, and if/when it does, it'll be significantly slower. IMO using that as an example is not really relevant to your age-specific situation.

[AlyssaJ]

Thanks for the info and the heads up Mirya. Obviously, I appreciate hearing how it's gone for everyone but I don't put a lot of stock in any of the timelines. I'm getting myself prepared for coming out or going full time so when my body dictates it's time, I can just do it. My employer will be the big one. I'm debating whether to come out to my HR and management team right away when I start HRT or wait until it becomes noticeable. I'm not sure yet what will happen there.

All the important people in my life outside of work already know so I'm not as concerned there but still have to be prepared for going full time if my body develops more quickly like you describe. So I appreciate you sharing that. I'll admit, the impatient part of me would love to see that kind of breast development in that short of a time period but I'm realistic too about the issues that could come of that.

[Mirya]

I believe it would be prudent to wait to come out at work until either your physical changes become too noticeable to ignore, or you're about ready to go full-time. Preferably the latter, although the two events may well happen near the same time. I'm pretty sure that's how most everyone handles the transition at work. Making a big announcement to your employers and possibly co-workers when you're only beginning HRT and still clearly presenting as male would be a distraction in the work environment.

[AlyssaJ]

My plan to come out is a two-step process. I'll be telling my HR and management at some point first. I'll let them know earlier, probably as you said, as the changes start to become too noticeable to hide. A complete coming out to the full company will happen when I'm getting ready to go full-time. From talking with others that seems to be how most have done it (although I'll admit when I asked on these forums I got very few replies). I want HR and Management to be aware earlier as I'm sure this will be the first time they've had to deal with this so there will be some planning and education required before I go full-time.

[Pat]

At that age, hormone therapy won't cause as many physical changes, and if/when it does, it'll be significantly slower. IMO using that as an example is not really relevant to your age-specific situation.

Could be more of a crap shoot. I started HRT in my mid-sixties and had breast development in the first few months. Now, at 7 months, I'm still only sneaking up on an AA cup and hoping for an A at some point, so if I was trying to be closeted, I could hide the breasts, but other changes (skin and body hair mostly) are clearly visible and can't be practically hidden. It's really different for all of us and I don't know of any reliable predictor. So I'd say stay flexible and react as needed.

[Tina_gm]

Hi Lisa. I would think losing your wife over transition must be such a horrible and painful experience. I'm so sorry you are going through it, and for the other members who are or have gone through it.

I know that at times I wonder where the whole transgender thing is or will take me. Whenever I think in terms of living as or more as a woman, knowing my wife will not follow me, the thought of that becomes too much.

I'm not saying to you or anyone else here I am a better spouse. I believe that having to go through this is in fact a barometer of just how real being ts is for you. If something stops a person from transitioning , at least as a way of living and socializing, then while transgender, as confusing as it sometimes can be for me, transition in any real sense is not right for me. I don't have financial or health obstacles preventing me. Or any other than simply my life and who I am.

My heart goes out to all of you for what you must endure. Even those of you who do stay with your partners, there's so much sacrifice that one goes through in this process.

Lisa- although you are going through great hardship, I believe you are or will go through a great period of growing and becoming the woman you really are. I wish you nothing but the very best.

[AlyssaJ]

GM I totally understand where you are coming from and that's one of the things I really have had to struggle with. Knowing my wife had drawn the line in the sand, I knew the decision to pursue medical transition would end our marriage. It was tough but what I kept coming back to is what will I be like in 5 years if I don't do this. And the fact is I know I'd be miserable. I might not even make it that far. I've had passing thoughts of suicide. So far they're just passing but I fear now that I know who I really am, if I continue to shut it away, those thoughts will turn into plans which could turn into actions. I don't want to end up that way and I wouldn't be any good to my wife or kids dead. So ultimately, I had to make the decision based on what was going to result in the best disposition for me and my family in 5 years.

That doesn't mean I see it being all wine and roses. Certainly going through this right now is painful. Being by myself in 5 years (because my kids will all be out of the house even if they stay with me after my wife and I separate) will be tough. Dealing with society and all the baggage that comes with being a trans woman in today's world will not be easy. But I do have confidence in the last point that you made, that I will go through some personal growth and find a comfort in life that I never new existed. The freedom to just be me.

Thank you for the kind thoughts and empathetic support. It does suck right now. My wife's moods are swinging back and forth and at times she won't even look at me. She's said more hurtful things to me, things she swore she'd never feel (although I knew better), so it's a rough patch. My faith in something better and the support from everyone else in my life are what keep me going right now.

[Bria]

My wife also has drawn that line in the sand, so I understand the catch 22 that puts so many of us in.

Lisa, I hope that in the long run you will be happy, I'll remember you and your wife in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria