I've not been a member of this forum for very long, but have been dealing with in some way (mostly through denial) the issues of gender dysphoria for a long time. Overtime, my understanding of myself has grown from originally believing I had a crossdressing fetish, to identifying myself as genderfluid to finally really connecting with myself and understanding that I am indeed a trans woman.
Today was a big day for me, very exciting and very destructive all at once. Today, I got the letter, the one that opens the door to the first steps of medical transition via hormone replacement therapy I also have an initial appointment with an OB/GYN to start the process at the end of this month. I'm excited, scared, anxious and ecstatic all at the same time. This is a huge step forward for me and one that while coming quickly, I have spent considerable time and debate determining whether or not I should pursue it. In the end, I'm confident this is the right path for me and will finally set me on the road to finding true comfort with myself both physically and how I interact with the world.
Unfortunately, this also almost assuredly means the end of my marriage. I've been married to my high school sweetheart for 18 years and we've been together for 24. When I first came out to her as transgender, she set a line in the sand that if I were to pursue any physical altercations to my body (HRT, FFS, GRS) that she would not be able to stay with me. She is really struggling with the "death" of her husband and that came to the surface again today when I told her about my appointment and letter. She even referred to me as the bitch that took her husband away.
Yes there were a lot of hurtful things said today, lots of hurtful actions as well. She smashed a glass frame that had a photo of us, she removed her wedding and engagement rings from her hand. She admitted that while she loves me, she also hates the woman I'm becoming. I can't fault her for her feelings of loss, grief and anger, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I knew all along that if my journey took me down this path that I was most likely going to lose her, but I had hoped maybe we'd find a way through. We've been in couples counseling but now she's made it clear she will not go again. We've tried taking trips and just being together but it's not been enough. Somehow she believes that it will be less painful for her to remove me from her life completely than to stay and watch the woman I truly am take over the body that once belonged to her husband.
Right now the feeling, as you can imagine, is horrible. The only thing worse than the pain from her leaving is the pain from watching her suffer as well. I love her so much, I never wanted to hurt her in any way, but I don't feel like I had a choice anymore. The fact is I feel like this is the right decision for me and my family. With 39 years of repressed feelings bubbling to the surface, I can't imagine that keeping this secret tucked away any longer would have worked. I don't think I could have continued to be the husband I've been. Making the decisions to come out, to transition, to start HRT have been amazingly difficult ones but its time that I learn how to live authentically for the remaining time I have on this earth.
So I'll likely be more active in this TS board now. I've been lurking for a while reading many of the stories of struggle, confusion and triumph here and that has been helpful. I'm sure I'll have many questions along my way to transitioning to my full female self. I'm looking forward to meeting many of you whom I've not interacted with yet on other boards. I want to let you know in advance that I appreciate all your guidance, feedback, support and challenges as I work through this next phase of my journey.