It’s funny how things can flip

[Jean 103]

For one year now I have been living as Jean. I still represent as male at work, yes they know. One of my two roommates asked if I would go to a concert with him. This was a couple weeks ago and he also asked if I would go as a guy. I agreed, thinking I still do the guy thing at work every day. The concert was last night. We were in the second row. I’m hoping that no buddy sees me and I told my friend not to take any pictures of me. I pulled my hair back into a small bun, put on a pair of jeans, t-shirt, hoodie. I had to go out to the garage to find a pair of shoes. My roommate doesn’t drive so I’m driving. Now I’m sitting there, awesome seats about to see George Thorogood. I’m noticing what all the girls are wearing and thinking it will be ok I can do this. The concert starts, it is great, but I want to scream this is not me. I sat through the concert with my arms and legs crossed. My eyes were closed for most of it. This was the only way I could avoid seeing what I was wearing. I wanted to leave, I was so uncomfortable. Anyone who saw me could tell. We left during the encore. I had zero sleep the night before (not my fault). My friend thought I was dosing off. In the car my roommate says there is this other concert he wants to go to. I have to tell him. He says he is sorry and felt it would be easier for me as I only had about an hour to get ready after getting home from work. I have gone from being uncomfortable wearing women’s clothes in public to feeling uncomfortable wearing men’s clothes in public. My friend and I are planning trip to visit his mom this summer. I was thinking I would take a vacation from being Jean during the trip. I now know that would never work

[Laura912]

From Shakespeare's Hamlet, in part Polonius says "to thine own self be true." The entire statement is: "This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." It sounds like your true self is not comfortable with the other self.

[kimdl93]

Indeed, to thine own self be true! But hey, don't feel too bad about making the effort one more time. It's interesting to me that your friend suggested you go male as what he thought of as a courtesy to you. Now he knows better, and you have learned something valuable as well, from both a year of living as Jean, outside of work at least, and this one attempt to shift back. Whether you maintain this balance or elect to expand your life as a woman, it's clear who you prefer to be!

[Jean 103]

There is a difference between work and the concert. At work I am out, so I don’t hide who I am, than I do represent the company when I’m working so I keep a clean appearance. No make-up but I don’t worry about removing my mascara. So I don’t share my latest find with the guys, but I do with the secretary. I carry a purse all the time. I leave it in the truck unless I’m going to be in the office helping with the phones. I did not take a purse to the concert. This really bothered me as I do not like things in my pockets.

[GretchenM]

Yes, I think you are in the in between world so many of us find ourselves a lot of the time. I think it was very nice of you to comply with your friend's request, but it appears you both learned something. There is a positive side to that. But it is clear that you have a strong gender bias toward the feminine and that, at the least, has become who you are. Shakespeare seems to have an answer for most any of our difficulties. What a mind! Jean is either who you have always been or, for whatever reason, is who you have become. In my view, presenting as male at work is just a response to a necessity and even though you are comfortable doing that it isn't the real you. And the fact that presenting as male in a social setting makes you seriously dysphoric means you probably shouldn't be doing that. Upsets the apple cart. But sometimes you have to and I think you handled it pretty well.

I get the carrying a purse or bad with your stuff. I dress as male most of the time and I carry a Swiss Army shoulder bag. My aunt calls it my purse - she doesn't know just how accurate that is. I can carry so much more. If I carried all that in my pockets I would be constantly followed by the Paparazzi because my pants would constantly be falling down. The women got it right again - their purses and wallets make so much more sense.