I've lost the desire to crossdress and I am feeling lost

[Paula_56]

In 2009 I was emerging from the darkness of yet another cross-dressing purge. But as any transgender person knows purging doesn’t work. My need for feminine expression had returned with a vengeance. I had tried to solve the problem by myself for 50 years. I tried reading all the books and websites, wrote countless emails to peers and posted on all the forums. Finding an objective and informed person you can discuss, share and solve your issues with was a key ingredient in my journey. In my case this was a therapist. I’ve grown a lot over the last 4 years. I no longer see my cross-dressing as a problem to be solved. I am not doing anything wrong. I’ve cast off society’s condemnation of being transgender and realized that I am a good person, and that part of my personality and character involves being transgender.

I am continually amazed at the experiences I have had while out in the world as a woman.
When I started going out into the world as a woman I was happy not to scare small children and animals. I travel all over the U.S. for business and use this time to go out and about in the world. I dress in business clothes and appear slightly better dressed then most women. I feel it’s important to blend in and not stick out and to dress age appropriate. I never thought that I could go to malls, get makeovers at MAC, visit the doctor, dine out, and enjoy museums. Over the years I’ve lost weight, improved my wardrobe, and developed my makeup skills. Today I am happy with my presentation as a woman.

Now in the past year I have had some medical issues, and have gained weight and even though I feel like a woman deep down that need to dress up and go out had faded.

To tell the truth, I miss it and want it back.

Has anyone else experienced this can you give me advice?



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[franlee]

Paula I have suffered a terrible set back on my dressing due to not only weight but joint pain and back that limits my mobility and the actual process of dressing. So after 8 years of this I still have the same desires only intensified because of the limited amount I can do, but I am working on it and still look forward to when I get it back in perspective. Being depressed would be just another rock in the road, so I do what I can and plan for the future. Come what may I make the most of this bad situation when I can and that is difficult with the realization I can't do it like I did and it hurts physically as well as my feelings. I never have puged even when I felt driven to, 2 reasons I am a cheapscape and I had to much effort invested in gathering my things. I still feel the same about my dressing as I did when I started with the addition of bought experience and understanding. Hang in there you have a lot to be proud of from what I've seen in your past post and pictures.

[CONSUELO]

Paula,

I have long admired your stories of your travels and followed with interest your transgender journey. Your presentation is absolutely classy and you look superb.

I don't have any good advice for you other than to wonder if the diminishing desire to dress is related to your recent health issues. Perhaps as you concentrate on resolving those issues and restoring your good health, you will find your desire to be a classy and well-dressed woman return.

I too have noticed a waxing and waning of my desire to dress but the ups and downs are not large.

I wish you every good wish and hope that some others here can give you some good and relevant advice.

[kimdl93]

Paula, been in the vicinity of where you are now, although the circumstances were slightly different. I took an 18 month hiatus, and tried to persuade myself that I didn't need or want to be transgendered. Or that I could make it go away through willpower. Truth is, I could keep it at bay, but I couldn't deny its continued presence

In your case, health issues are a pretty important distraction from any other concern. People lose interest in friends, food, even sex when health problems arise.

You said yourself you miss expressing yourself as a woman. My guess is that when you regain your health you'll regain the motivation to become fully yourself once again. So focus on getting well and good things will follow.

PS: when glancing through 'what's new' I came upon this thread again, and the title read:I've lost th desire to cross dress and I'm feeling lost in Male..... it kinda appropriate

[CarlaWestin]

Paula, this is a multi-faceted thing that as you've divulged, you've experienced all of the CD bucket list things. You can change it up with theme dressing or you can just take some time off from it. You'll be back.

[bridget thronton]

I hope you weather this storm and your medical issues resolve soon. I always enjoy reading your posts. I have been working long hours for the past year. I often get home late and decide not to bother getting dressed and wait for a day with more unscheduled time. Even shopping has slowed way down. I still like to dress and when I do it makes me happy. I am thinking when work slows down this summer the balance may improve.

[Stephanie47]

I went back and saw you started another thread on the same issue 7/28/2016. If I were you I'd be checking further into the medical issues you have had or are continuing. Certain drugs may have unintended consequences, i.e., side effects. I've always read with envy your outings into the world. Not being a physician my guess would be there is a certain amount of depression occurring. Depression can really change one's perception of self and interacting with others.

For the past year and a half I have been pestering physicians about a medical ailment which has diverted my attention from doing anything pleasurable. Yes, I can muddle through the obligations of life, but, when it comes to doing something for myself....well, I just do not have the motivation or physical energy to do so. For me constant physical pain has really had a negative effect on me. Fortunately, I have a diagnosis and a surgical consult scheduled. Just yesterday while my wife was out of the house for several hours I tried on a newly acquired dress with a panty and slip just to see how it would look. I had no sense of femininity or desire to do more. The dress fit. OK, pack it away and go on to something else. I'm hoping I will have a resolution of that problem this year. Medical issues can really sap one's energy and drive.

Perhaps, since you really have done it all, your currently perceiving "What else do I need to accomplish?" I would discuss your mental well being with a physician. Review your medications or lack of medication. Set a simple goal that you can accomplish. Setting goals that are not achievable will only lead to further depression for a person suffering from depression.

[Lana Mae]

Get your medical issues straightened out and be patient it will come back! I was in a marriage for 34+ years and only dressed in panties about 3-4 times in the 34 years. Pink fog set in hard one month after wife passed away! I loved her dearly and we had two great children but now I can dress more often and more fully and will not disturb anyone! Just relax and go with the flow and your journey! Hugs Lana Mae

[NancySue]

Hi Paula, I know exactly what you're experiencing. ...been there...done that. I love your positive commentaries...you are a good person and have overcome and accepted several issues that confront us. I also have read everything I could, etc. I've come to the conclusion, with some help, that we have an insatiable compulsive behavior pattern...it's here to stay. No one seems to know whether it's genetic or environmental...who cares? It's here...accept it, embrace it and enjoy it. Like an imp, the more you deny this compulsion, the worse it becomes. You've achieved the level of presentation many wish for. My bet is that you're in a temporary lull and soon you be back looking as lovely as ever. You have my best regarding your medical issues.

[Alice_2014_B]

I have gone thru phases where I seemingly desired nothing to do with dressing up, save for wearing heels at home in drab.

I personally just went with it and did other things; and at the same time I did not purge anything.

That may not help much, more just like a basic breakdown of a hiatus that happens to me.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Paula, I can't add any other advice that hasn't already been said,

Just don't get so down that you start purging all of your lovely outfits..**..

[sweetdreams]

Hi Paula.

Personally I've never worried about the comings and goings of my urge to crossdress. I know it's there, just below the surface. Has been for almost 60 years. I've had times when it didn't seem important at all, and other times it's all I seem to think about. I've never had the urge to purge. If I'm in one of my periods of less interest all of my girly stuff is tucked away waiting for the desire to resurface. I know it will. It just ebbs and flows and I don't really worry about it. I try to do what feels right at the time. I can usually talk myself into putting something on if I think about it a little. I do wear panties 24/7 now and this never changes anymore. God, I put on boy shorts occasionally like for a doctors appointment and it's like eeewww! Can't wait to get back home and slip into my panties.

If you have other things in your life you are focused on, I say go with it. Just let life flow and ride along with it. Things ebb and flow. Let the universe unfold. Your desire to cross dress will likely (dare I say undoubtedly) return. For most of us this is a special part of us that we cherish despite the challenges. Whatever you do don't purge. If the urge to cross dress doesn't return then you've just entered a new and different part of your life. Crossdressing served it's purpose for you and you've moved on. No need to worry or be upset. It's just a different direction for now and it could very well change tomorrow. You only have today in this very moment that you can exist and experience life. Go with it.....

[Allisa]

Paula you say you feel like a woman deep down inside so maybe just dressing casual at home with out forcing yourself to be so "professionally" dressed will help you work through your current situation and soon you will be back on track as your lovely self and projecting that womanly image we all enjoy seeing. This is just another speed bump in the road your traveling. I have faith that you will come back stronger and better off from this experience.

[Diane Taylor]

Paula,
most if not all of us at one time or other have to some degree lost the desire to dress. medical issues are certainly something that can cause despair resulting a loss of desire. The weight gain you mentioned can possibly cause you to no longer feel pretty which further gets you feeling down. The bright spot is that you miss the dressing up and want it back. Hopefully the medical issues will pass and then you can work on shedding whatever weight you gained and get back to enjoying the feminine life. I wish you the best of luck. And, I must say....you dress very nicely.
Diane

[Aunt Kelly]

Paula,
The inability to enjoy something which usually gives pleasure is a classic sign of depression. So too, can be weight gain, or loss. Then again, they can, of themselves, contribute to depression. Medical issues can absolutely contribute to depression. Depression is a normal response to many different things. Yes, normal. It's only abnormal, or clinically significant, when it persists beyond a certain time frame, significantly affects your quality of life, or that of those around your, or if it appears absent those negative conditions. It may worth seeking the assistance of someone qualified to sort this out for you.

[docrobbysherry]

Paula, nothing is as important as our health. I hope u recover yours and that Paula returns, too!

I dress all the way or not at all. I know the day will come when I'll either say, "Nope. Too much work." Or, I just won't be able to anymore.

And then? I'll start editing my zillions of photos!

[ronda]

Paula don't worry the pink fog will return

[MelanieAnne]

In my case it comes and goes. But it always comes back. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm a 3 to your 10 in terms of 'out and abut' Paula, but - if I'm interpreting your symptom correctly - I can relate closely to the correlation between weight gain and decreased desire to crossdress. For me if I think I don't look good, I simply don't want to dress, other than underwear and nightwear.

But it's equally possible that your reduced desire is just a manifestation of the ebb and flow of feelings that are triggered by...who knows, tick your box of choice. Time will tell- use this time to just be yourself and don't try to force yourself to be anything that doesn't spring from inside.

[Becky Blue]

Paula, I can relate to a lot of what you described in your OP. Since Becky emerged over 10 years ago, she has come and gone. In my case there is no reason that I can find for her leaving me nor why she comes back. After a series of adventures between 2005 and 2008 similar to yours, she completely left me for 3 years. Since she came back, she never leaves me for more than a couple of weeks, but I can go from strong feelings of being a woman to almost nothing overnight. I don't know why, but I do know others who are similar.

[Patti Remick]

Dear Paula,
Im sorry I am so late to getting to this thread as I have not been spending very much time at CDrs dot com anymore. When I read you post my heart just sank. I too am suffering from a variety of health issues including severe problems with my lower back due to osteoarthritis. This issue recently led to a fall in which I have now been diagnosed with a fractured rib. There is not much that can be done for that other than to not over exert. I am in much pain everyday and am even have difficulty doing 'taken for granted' things like driving a car. I am trying my best to work thru these issues.

My heart aches for you as I know you to be such a wonderful person as you have expressed in your previous writings. You should take comfort in that fact that you have been able to have many very good experiences in your female persona that many others CDrs - like me - could only dream about. The way you looked, dressed, and carried yourself as Paula was exemplary to me. Of all the people here you are the one that I wanted to emulate the most. Im not ashamed to say that.

Im sorry I dont have any real answers for you. They say time heals and so that gives me some encouragement and hope, both for me and you. I have faith that you will find a way thru this and find a path to happiness.

Luv and hugs always
Patti

[marilyn m]

hi iam coming out of a year purge, and have given away some fabulous wigs,shoes and outfits, mainly to charity
and have really regreted doing so, i felt a lot of guilt, and blamed myself for some major break ups, but i have found peace in the knowledge,
we cant help the way we are, and i have accepted my feminine side, i think we are really special, and have a unique understanding of male and female,
without my feminine side iam not complete and feel depressed, so iam having fun rebuilding my closet and this time i will never purge

[Pat]

Now in the past year I have had some medical issues, and have gained weight and even though I feel like a woman deep down that need to dress up and go out had faded.

To tell the truth, I miss it and want it back.

Not a certified counselor by any means, but perhaps it would be fruitful for you to figure out what it is about going out that causes the avoidance. Imagine going out and then what is the first thing that springs to mind when you reject the idea? Too much effort? No task to get you out the door? Some concern that you won't look good at your new weight? If you can find the reason you may well easily find your way back to the you that you like. If the issue is too much effort, for example, simplify your presentation. If you need a task, go visit a historical site or the grave of a loved one. If it's that you don't think you'll look good, resolve to find the best look you can achieve at the moment.

But be open to a couple of possibilities -- it could be (clinical) depression as mentioned above. It could be that you're just in a resting phase. Be forgiving and supportive of yourself as you would be forgiving and supportive of a friend with the same problem. You have no duty to dress -- it's something you do for yourself.

[Julogden]

Hi, Paula,

I'm in a very similar place, although I never was out and about in public to the extent you are/were. I was very active in support group activities, and back in the 1990's, virtually all of my social life was done as a woman. I was out and about at local clubs and trans community shindigs at least one night a week and usually more often than that.

In 2000, I had to put everything away in order to move back to my father's place to take care of him while his health failed, and over 4 years, and I pretty much lost who I was. After he passed away in 2004, I began getting back in touch with the local community, but then my own health took a nosedive and I'm still dealing with that as well as trying to find myself again.

I'm retired and dress around home every day, but I don't even try to dress to pass when I go out. I sometimes wear women's jeans and tees when I run errands or do work in the yard, but that's about it for any public dressing. I'm still hoping to improve my health situation and weight gain that is due to inactivity caused by my health issues, and if I can do that, I expect that I'll become at least somewhat active in the gender community support groups again.

But I don't feel driven to dress like I was back in my younger days. Generally, I'm okay with just dressing around home.

Carol