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Thread: Standing up for myself.

  1. #1
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    Standing up for myself.

    Saturday evening My roommate asked me if I would go get him a sub sandwich form a national chain. It had been a nice day so I was wearing a jean skirt, blouse, Wedge sandals and a hoodie. Make-up was minimal, with red lip stain. (I don’t have a beard). I had even told my roommate maybe I should change to jeans because it’s getting a little colder, but decided to would be ok because you park by the door at that location. I walk in, there is a girl behind the counter busy doing something. There is no one else in the store. I eat at this chain a lot. The way she greeted me and took my order was a little off. I had her toast the sandwich. A couple came in so she is helping them. A different girl comes out of the back,takes my sandwich from the oven and asks what veg’s I want on it. I tell her,she wraps it up and steps to the cash register. I pay for it, she hands me my change, looks me in the eye and says loudly “THANK YOU SIR “. I wanted to slam the sandwich down on the counter and walk out. But it wasn’t for me and with other things that have been happening I would have taken it out on her. Instead when I got home, I sent an email to the main office. I got a call from the local owner today. We talked for a while, he said he thinks we have met. He apologizes and is going to talk with all the employees not just the one. I told him that I had praised one of his other employees at different location a little over a year ago on their web site. He has four stores in this town. I also told him I usually frequent the one that’s closer to me. So why did I go to that location, my roommate thinks the employees there are better. I’m not an activist. I have never stood up for myself like this. Here’s the thing, I’m out and this is my town, I’m just not going to put up with this. The owner agreed and said I handled it the right way. Oh and I have a free sandwich if I want. I knew that this was just one person that needs an attitude adjustment. I’ll let her boss take care of that.

  2. #2
    Call me Foxie! Spiritfox's Avatar
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    I applaud your courage Jean! Not just for standing up for yourself, but for maintaining the dignity of yourself, as well as your roommates sandwich!

    Good thing that employee is getting a talking to as well. what she did was rude, regardless of who she was speaking to.

  3. #3
    Junior Member Stephanie_V's Avatar
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    Good for you Jean! Sounds like you handled that little passive-aggressive idiot with a level head.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Sounds kind of like you threw a hissy fit Jean, because drab folks failed to live up to your expectations. I get that your feelings were hurt, but I think your reaction was a little extreme- it's always possible the employees took a dislike to you for reasons other than the way you chose to dress. We tend to look at the world through our own prism, and while crossdressing is a huge deal to us, to most people we're just some variety of fruitcake. I think you took the whole thing way too seriously.
    I used to have a short attention spa

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses View Post
    We tend to look at the world through our own prism, and while crossdressing is a huge deal to us, to most people we're just some variety of fruitcake. I think you took the whole thing way too seriously.
    How is it acceptable to be viewed as "some type of fruitcake?" Customers deserve respect, if nothing else.

    I think you handled yourself well Jean. You could've told the employee who misgendered you that you would prefer she used female pronouns - "she / her / hers". When I started transition, I had stuff like that happen to me. It sucks. And the loud "SIR" when you are presenting as female is pretty typical for someone who's being disrespectful.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Niki might seem a little off in her criticism.
    Maybe she has misunderstood the situation.

    Jean,You handled it well and complained in the correct manner.
    I have always been civil and truthful with my complaints and have always received polite service in return.
    You do have to point out others mistakes in a fair manner.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  7. #7
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    You are an activist. You took action to address a wrong.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Laura912's Avatar
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    Rather than escalate a bad situation with no witnesses around if things went sour, you did the thing that resulted in the most education for the most people. Now do the experiment and go get your free sandwich from the person who needed some customer skills training.

  9. #9
    its important mykell's Avatar
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    hi jean,

    i think you handled the situation pretty spot on, you did not make a scene or slam the sandwich down....made the purchase and alerted the owner of the situation....he is educating all of his employees not just that one and you may feel more comfort with the local location you frequent ?

    im not an activist but i find it bothersome that the community frequently complains that folks in the wild do not accept us, im a realist, some like this girl are ignorant and think they have a right to slight someone who they perceive to have a quirk.....she was taught that from someone so i find the "hissy fit" comment unwarranted.

    we as a whole have to stick up for each other no one else is gonna and if not that at the very least ourselves, otherwise their will be just one variety of fruitcake.

    now go get that free sandwich....
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that

  10. #10
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    I'm on Nikki's side on this one.

    Let it roll off your shoulders and keep on living life as you want to.

    I'm miss-gendered when going out and I just smile to myself and keep on truck'n.

  11. #11
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    I pretty much agree with Nikki, but since I wasn't there, I'm only hearing one side of a story.

    1) Having expectations of others will always let you down. 2) you should expect to be misgendered once in a while without getting hurt and angry about it. 3) people often imagine that others are being offensive when they really aren't.

    If things went down exactly as you perceived, maybe you did the right thing. But here's what I'm getting from your story. The first person that was "a little off" somehow became "someone that's against me" in your mind. Top that off with being sir'd and it looks like you felt the entire staff was against crossdressers (you).

    Last time I was at subway (in Drab), I wasn't addressed with a cheery employee either. 4) it doesn't sound like you were really trying to pass.
    Make-up was minimal
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  12. #12
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    Niki I may have over reacted if you believe in turning the other cheek when someone stabs you with a knife. I am pretty much full time. I can tell the difference between a slip and someone is insulting me. She is an employee and represents that store. She made a choice to behave that way. If this is acceptable behavior than she has nothing to fear. At work I still represent as a guy. I put my hair up under my hat, tee shirt and jeans. I’m a service tech and drive a white service truck with a utility bed and rack. Friday I stopped for lunch. I’m in one of these large shopping center parking lots, at a stop sign. This gang banger with some girl riding shot gun pulls alongside from behind, in the wrong lane. He just goes off yelling at me, not to ever cut him off again and a bunch of other stuff. I wanted to get out of the truck and beat this fool to an inch of his life. But I can’t do or say anything because I’m representing the company. I drive that truck all over meeting new people every day. I did not cut him off. Some people have all this hate and anger inside, it doesn’t take much to set them off. Is this the kind a person you want working for you, representing your business. I didn’t do anything wrong in both cases.

  13. #13
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    I think you handled it perfectly. As you say, you're out, it's your town and there's no reason for you to put up with purposeful disrespect. As I read the OP this wasn't a case of unintentional misgendering, which I agree you should just take gracefully (I tell people I'll accept any pronoun used with respect.) But someone purposely misgendering you is trying to force you into conformance with their world view -- they're telling you you have no right to exist -- and that should not be tolerated.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  14. #14
    Lisa Allisa's Avatar
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    Stuff happens, when I'm miss gendered while in full femme and with a loud response I reply "your welcome-have a nice day" in as basso a voice I can muster so all can hear and do not get flustered any more. You can't change minds that do not want to, notifying the owner(corporation) was the correct procedure, we can educate but can only hope for more civil reactions from those that do not "walk in our shoes". I too am out in my town and am known for who I am in both means of expression, a long row to hoe but well worth it. There are always pit falls on our road to self expression and yes we must stand up for ourselves, good going on your choice of doing that.
    "you are a strange species and there are many out there;shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you ,you are at your best when things are at their worst" ...[ Starman]
    It may of course be a bit disturbing to sense that one is really not so firmly anchored to the gender one was born into.

  15. #15
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    As I read the OP, the employee deliberately tried to embarrass Jean who is a customer. Jean was quite right to complain to the owner and she did it in the right way. No hissy fit here!

    Reading some of the replies reminds me of why our CD community continues to get little respect. The gay community and many other minorities gained respect by demanding respect, even over the small things. Look at the history of many minority communities in this country and elsewhere and you see that it is attention to the many small insults that eventually causes the unthinking majority to change its attitude. Our common response seems to be to scuttle embarrassed back into the shadows.

    Jean stood up for more than herself. She made a small but important stand for our community. We should thank her.

  16. #16
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    Hear! Hear! Well said, Consuelo

    Ineke

  17. #17
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    I think you did the right thing by contacting the boss and not throwing an SJW fit in the store.
    People are really getting tired of having social justice stuff shoved thrown down their throat so to speak.
    You won the battle by using your brain to which I say kudos.

  18. #18
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    I'm with you Jean. It wasn't so much the misgendering, it was the attitude, and contempt in which it was done. It seemed to be done deliberately, in a manner to draw attention to, and embarrass the individual. This is not acceptable behavior at any time, for anyone.

  19. #19
    Junior Member Bailee's Avatar
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    Congratulations, and I commend you for the very mature and responsible way you chose to deal with an ugly incident. Getting into an altercation with an ignorant server might have felt good at the time, but ultimately wouldn't have solved anything. It sounds like the manager will take the opportunity to turn this into something positive.

  20. #20
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Jean, I think you did the right thing from reading your story! This person was trying to make a scene! You handled it well! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  21. #21
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Jean I think you handled it properly and while we are out in the wild as it were these things will happen, many folks in the
    service industry really don't know how to address trans folks but for the most part I've found they usually won't use any gender if their just not sure. I've been ma'md many times and unless I missed it don't think anyone ever said sir, but I'm
    glad you kept your cool and contacted the manager and hopefully that young lady will think better next time

  22. #22
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CONSUELO View Post
    you see that it is attention to the many small insults that eventually causes the unthinking majority to change its attitude.
    Sort of, Look after the pennies and the pounds take care of themselves.

    I had a similar experience when paying for petrol. I was the only one in the shop at the time and having paid the SA said "Thanks (very slight but pointed pause) Mate". We're trained to listen and interpret people's speech. You instinctively know when someone is putting even the slightest inflection to a word or phrase.

    Jean, you did absolutely the right thing. Businesses realise that if a paying customer feels so strongly as to make a complaint then it's a threat to their income. Also the owner may be someone who is utterly on our side and dislikes any form of discrimination let alone from someone representing their business. Good for you!!
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  23. #23
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    Good on you Jean
    On so many levels that was a hostile experience. Regardless of the employees lack of understanding they are representing the company and their attitude towards you was unforgivable. ALL people involved in dealing with others should be made aware that their actions whilst being EMPLOYED in a business that is not their own could have consequences to their continued employment, not just because you are part of this community but part of THE community. Acceptness of all regardless of race religion colour gender age is what we should all strive for.
    Your following post says it all really, thank you for standing up for a better humanity
    gina

  24. #24
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    Hi Jean, It's great that you stood up for yourself......
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses View Post
    Sounds kind of like you threw a hissy fit Jean, because drab folks failed to live up to your expectations. I get that your feelings were hurt, but I think your reaction was a little extreme- it's always possible the employees took a dislike to you for reasons other than the way you chose to dress. We tend to look at the world through our own prism, and while crossdressing is a huge deal to us, to most people we're just some variety of fruitcake. I think you took the whole thing way too seriously.
    Nikkilovesdresses is way off base. Anytime for any reason there is a perception of intolerance it needs to be brought to the forefront. Everyone knows voice inflection is a good indicator of how a person feels. Haven't you found that on this site? A person writes something, but, without voice inflection it is difficult to discern the true intent. If the employee did raise or accentuate the phrase she was trying to make a point. I've been in many places over my seven decades where the service person ignores people of color. Avoids serving them in the order the person entered the store. Nothing is said. No voice inflection. You do not have to say a word to espouse disapproval. I'm sure there are many transwomen on this site and cross dressers who have been totally ignored when in a store. Or given a lesser degree of service. Got the hint, now get out!

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