Very uncomfortable

[susancheerleader]

Hi all.

Just a go back moment. If you might remember I posted "I came out to a friend." As I said then, that friend never flinched at my coming out.
However. (this is the uncomfortable part) since then he keeps texting me for sex. Saying he wants to slide his hands under my skirt and....
At first it was fun to kind of flirt. But I have no intention of engaging in any sex with him. I am not gay.
He has been a good friend to me (never showed this side though) and I don't want to loose a friend over this. But really, his advances are getting uncomfortable and I don't know what to do.
He knows I am not gay and I keep blowing his advances off.

Another development:
My mom knows I dress. But will not accept it. Flats dadt.
But Monday I had dinner with her and her husband. It was my birthday dinner.
However, not a second I sat down in the living room, they started talking about transgenders.
In a way, I think they wanted me to speak up. I just clamed up. Left my opinion to myself.
Again, another uncomfortable spot.

[samantha78]

Hun I know how you feel my friend done the same , I confided in B I liked to dress he wanted to see me do I spent all afternoon getting read when he came over we talked he didn't seem to mind, but him being my best friend started making advances toward me i shrugged it off as a joke, afterwards he kept wanting me to dress "just" for him and told me what he would do.....He's my best friend my response was, " B, your my best friend, I'd rather keep you as a friend than ruin a great friendship over something like this, so I'm not interested if it's going to come between our friendship" he has never tried it again and we remain friends to this day

[Linda E. Woodworth]

I think you need to address your friends actions head on. Tell him firmly but respectfully that you are not that kind of girl and you don't appreciate his behavior. If he still persists be more forceful or cut some ties with him. (I won't go into the point about not being able to put the genie back in the bottle....)

As far as your mother is concerned you didn't tell us how the conversation went form their point of view. I think you missed an opportunity to educate or at least give voice to your side.

[docrobbysherry]

Your friend sounds gay or bi. Did u know that when u told him about, Susan? Did he never come on to u before u told him? If not, u seem to have hit his "kink" button! Did u show him photos of Susan? Men r very visual when it comes to sex. .

If he's a real friend u should have no problem telling him no in a way he'll understand u aren't playing around! American men and women r so wimpy about saying what they do or don't want when it comes to sex-----

[susancheerleader]

He never met Susan before I showed him a few weeks ago. I have known this guy for 8 years, and I never saw this side of him. So this us actually a shock to me too.
But! He didn't know this of me either.
So, as someone pointed out. Maybe I hit a button of his attractions.

[Teresa]

Susan,
You don't mention the marital status of either of you, is your friend married or in a relationship ? If he is maybe put it over in a fun way to try his fantasies on his partner. I was going to suggest you tell him to get his own skirt and go and work out his fantasies on himself !

I must admit when you come out to some people their response can surprise you , I came out to my art tutor about my CDing, he then admitted he was struggling with being bi-sexual. We really have a very good relationship now , he loves to see my latest pictures, and we talk about how we deal with each others situation, I know it's helped me because I wanted to dress to the classes, he's OK about that , and I know it's helped him to come out and talk about his situation with his wife.

[susancheerleader]

I am sorry, I am sure I left stuff out and you have questions. Both of us are single. However he has a live in girl friend.

Samantha--- I love your reply.
I think I am going to have to do the same thing.

[Pat]

I hate to say it, but this is pretty "normal" harassment. You didn't know this about your friend because he didn't view you this way before. Now he does. It's only the first step in losing your male privilege when you come out -- you're now considered an opportunity available to anyone male. Any guy on the street will feel he can demand that you smile. Any guy will feel they can insert themselves into your business and be offended if you turn them down. Just shut it down clearly and unambiguously. There's a chance you'll lose the friend and if so, he'll probably spread this around in an unflattering manner to preserve his self-opinion.

[susancheerleader]

Pat.,.
Excellent point!

"Welcome to the woman's world."

[Judy-Somthing]

I guess dressing up can send the wrong message!

At about 30 I had a similar situation,
I use to show my Polaroids and dresses to A male friend I grew up with. One day he was over and I showed him a new dress and put it on over my clothes.
He said he wanted to have sex with me. I told him "just because I like wearing dresses doesn't make me gay".
Then a few months later on my birthday he spends $300 on me.

[rachelatshop]

Susan, I think Linda hit it on the head. You need to make it clear that Susan is not interested in guys and you are not gay. Cross dressers are a real unknown to most men here on the coast. I also think you may have missed a chance with your parents, but next time you see them you can bring up the conversation about transgenders that they started.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Susan and Samantha,Before you confided in them you should have read #4 in my signature......

[susancheerleader]

Susan, I think Linda hit it on the head. You need to make it clear that Susan is not interested in guys and you are not gay.

Yes.
But this guy until now (even before he knew of my dressing) has been a very good friend.
I really don't want to loose that, but if this keeps up I'll only become more uncomfortable. Since learning of my dressing, in a nutshell I kid of feel sexually harassed.

I have to do something.

[Dana44]

Yep, ther are threads tat warn us of coming out to a close friend.. But yeah you need to talk with him and try to keep him as a friend. Don't diss him as he will tell others.

[Tracii G]

Just be honest and say no.
If you flirted with him at first its partially your fault.
Explain to him you are friends but not in a sexual way.
If he has a girlfriend and he is hitting on you that right there shows what kind of guy he is.
Don't let this situation last , you need to explain it ASAP.

This is a prime example of why you don't tell certain people.

[JeanTG]

Yin a nutshell I kid of feel sexually harassed.

I have to do something.

Friends don't sexually harass friends. Full stop. You are valuing something of his that simply does not exist, true friendship. If he was a true friend, he never would have crossed that line, or maybe would have asked once, and respected your "no" and never gone there again. That he keeps trying speaks loudly about what his true feelings about you are... and they are not about having someone to go out and have a few beers with. He wants you as a sex toy to fulfill his own fetishes. Personally I think it's irretrievable. Sorry to be so blunt but there it is. You will need to be direct with him, and don't expect miracles after doing so.

[Geena Gee]

I made kind of the same mistake, only a little different. The friend that I came out to, who I thought would be totally cool with the news, is a GG that I used to date. For the last year she has been trying to take our relationship up a notch or five. I called her up last week and asked her to come over because I had some news to share with her. When she got here 'Geena' greeted her at the door. She turned and looked at the street, then looked at the house address, then turned back to me and asked if I was here. I smiled and told her that I wasn't here but she could come inside to wait, and I called her by her name. She came inside, and I went to make her a drink. When I returned to the living room with the drink (a layered white russian,) she stared at the drink, then at me, holding my hand and looking at my nails... then silence. After a couple of minutes, she asked me, "Who are you again?" I said "Geena." Then, the light went on, and she said, "So, you're gay now?" I laughed, told her "no, I'm still a lesbian," and asked her if she had any questions. First question, "Are you sure you're not gay?" Second question, "WHY?" After a brief explanation to the why question, she finished her drink, got up and calmly left.
This happened this past Sunday, and I haven't heard from her since. Seems like GG friends have a slightly different way of dealing with someone coming out. If she would have wanted to have sex, it probably would have happened. LOL

-Geena

[Beverley Sims]

Susan, keep progressing as you are, fend off your friend's advances they may soon fade back to normal.

As for your parents, only take up the conversation when there is something positive to speak about.

Keeping it to yourself is a good move there.

[sweetdreams]

Geena, I'm not sure bringing the whole package out at once was the right approach. It's a lot to process in one go. Maybe talking first and possibly sharing some pictures would have worked better. You just hit her with the whole package all at once. She might still come around after she processes this for a while but there's a good chance not (IMHO).

[phili]

Susan,
It sounds like he isn't hearing your denials, which is not unusual for horny people who are following their instincts without thinking it through!

I'd take another approach and bring back focus to your friendship by acting on it-i.e. say- "We are friends and I really like that. That is also why I trusted you with my secret/ difference, and I think at the bottom of it that is why you have trusted me with yours by telling me you want to have sex with me. I can't go along with that because although I wear dresses and such, I am straight. I also don't want to have sex with you. I don't feel anything like that and it doesn't appeal to me. I know it is hard to understand, but I only am interested in and turned on by women. However, I am your friend, and I do understand I support you in coming out and understanding your own desires and needs, and finding appropriate partners. Let me help that way.

[susancheerleader]

Thanks everyone.
I admit that it's a little my fault also. For allowing the flirting to happen. At first it was kind of cool, being hit in as though I was a woman. I imagined myself as one and tried to feel like she might. But now this guy probably thinks I rally want it and won't stop bugging me until he gets it.
I am going to put a full stop to this whole thing.

[CONSUELO]

It appears that you sent some mixed signals, so you have to start over and lay out exactly and firmly what you want. No sexual relationship at all and apologize for giving him the wrong impression. If you want the relationship to continue you have to tell him how much you value him as a very good friend and that is the relationship that you want with him. This is the classic dilemma beloved of many story tellers. I wish you the best.

However you and Teresa do raise a very important point. We never really know a person. That is true of all of the people in our lives who have no idea of our cross dressing. But it also applies to us. We only know the superficial social personna of most people we think we know well. So much of us is hidden and yet we assume that what we see is what we get. I have many good long-standing friendships but when I think about them carefully I realize that while I think I know a lot, I really know just about the veneer.

Finally, you missed an opportunity to open up with your mother. I know that it is awkward but you could have stated your position on transgendered people and perhaps that would have opened the way for further conversations and perhaps some understanding and eventual acceptance. You still have a chance though by opening up a new conversation referencing the one in which you chose to be silent.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Susan, your friend has unwittingly given you an insight into what it feels like to be an attractive female, fending off a drooling male. But they have a lifetime to learn to cope with it; you've had 15 minutes.

At this stage your friend is at the 'She says no but she means yes' phase. He is thinking with his dick. He is not hearing you and he is not respecting your spoken messages.

What would Marilyn Monroe do in your situation if she was a guy?

How about 'If only you floated my boat I'd be the luckiest man on Earth...but you don't, you never will, and if you can't get that into your head then our friendship is over. I mean you haven't even offered to buy me a diamond.'

[XemmaX]

just immediately define your personal boundaries and that he should respect them also maybe take a break from hanging out with him for a while or only dude mode with him. but remember Define your personal space and protect it.

[ClosetED]

Susan, I think Samantha has a good suggestion. Since you did allow flirting, you can be honest that while you do enjoy having men admire you as a pretty woman, anything physical is not for you. You could make his advances easier for him to shrug off by saying "thanks for playing along and giving me that support"
Hugs, Ellen