My goodness, when someone you love is going to great lengths to feel better about themselves, take it at face value , compliment her and take the opportunity to improve your relationship.
My goodness, when someone you love is going to great lengths to feel better about themselves, take it at face value , compliment her and take the opportunity to improve your relationship.
That is kind of what i was thinking. Improved communication is the key to life. I initially agreed w everyone in thinking you should be flattered she wants to look nicer & participate, but it seems there are deeper issues. It might be painful & soul searching but are you capable of looking introspectively at your role in how she is feeling? Don't mistake that for me suggesting you are at fault, but as men we want to fix things. If there is something we can do differently then we can potentially solve the problem. Is it possible she wants you to be more assertive? If she is doing this perceived behavior towards you is it possible she is lashing out to maybe get you be a certain way?Originally Posted by Tracii G
Communication is tough. That is basically what a therapist does is to tear down barriers & break down walls... What are your needs/desires & how do you reconcile those w hers?
I think you could be feeling a little paranoid, in my own experience after coming out to my wife, she was a little hurt, jealous even of my feminine presentation, although I'm very tall I can present a very shapely womanly figure, (waist clincher and hip padding included) she has/had put a lot of weight on over the years and was pretty down about it, I never put her down but she realised herself it was time to try a diet, she'd never tried before, in 6 months she's lost over 3 stone, she looks great and is so much happier.
If your wife is making an effort, don't knock it, it's not just us who like to look nice, by all means have a chat if she's "rubbing your nose in it" but please, just encourage her, trust me if she's happy it makes life so much easier.
and...if she seriously thinks that "you're the one with the problem, not me," I think you're in serious trouble. It seems to me as though if one person in a relationship has a problem it automatically become 'our' problem. If you can't be interested enough in your spouses well being to at least make the effort to help mediate the problem in whatever way you can, then you're relationship is on thin ice indeed.
Gone through some of that after I told my wife. She began using make-up again after years of not using any but lipstick. She and I bought her some nice nightgowns (that is, no flannels), etc.
Part of the reasoning was that she felt the need to show she was still my woman (and to see how I reacted to that) and part, I believe, was to be my beard for all the make-up being bought.
And, there were times when she would say something to me which hurt, but then I was really, really sensitive about certain subjects for a while after coming out to her as a CDer.
If what she says to you hurts, tell her (but in a nice way).
Hope everything calms down for you.
Sherrie Lynn Pall
Sometimes I make sense and that frightens me.
Please don't let me be the last post on this thread
No one wants to be the bearer of bad news but maybe the reason she talks down to you is that she can no longer see you as a man, at least not the kind she would be attracted to. The reason she is getting all gussied up is not to compete with you but because she either has a boyfriend or is on the prowl for one. The reason she hasn't left you yet is that it takes time to get all her ducks in a row for the grand exit. You'll know the time is near when she starts getting real nice all of a sudden. Get your head out of the pink cloud and consult a lawyer. Find out where the money is going. She could be building a war chest. You can't stop the train wreck but you can jump off ahead of the crash if you see it coming. Remember: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. Of course, I could be wrong but it's better to be prepared.
I'm glad I am not the only one that feels this way.
Anyway I think a lot of your problem is you not recognizing that you have pretty much messed up your marriage by coming out.
I would consult in an attorney and get your ducks in a row now and don't let yourself be blind sided when she drops the hammer on you.
We don't know the whole story and you do so maybe you need to take a long look at whats going on and be honest with yourself.
Rebecca,
In every relationship, no matter what anybody says, there is a hierarchy. It's the hunter/gatherer thing that is instilled in all of us, either through genetics, or socialization. It seems like you've taken the subservient role of the gatherer, and your wife is the dominant hunter. This is a typical preamble to a dom/sub relationship. But, the yin needs the yang to be complete.
I really believe that couples counseling is something that would benefit you both (even though you stated that she thinks, "you're the one with the problem.") You will probably have to relax the sub role that you are fulfilling, and be more assertive to get her to go with you for counseling. Take a break from doing your chores, and basically go on strike to find success. Tell her "I may have a problem, and you feel that you don't, but together WE have a problem, and I'd like us to work through it."
Best of luck,
-Geena
I am a work of art! I just wish that my artistic skill set was closer to Norman Rockwell than it is to Salvador Dali!
I cannot believe some of the responses.
. consult an attorney
. find where the money is going.
. she has a boyfriend
One of the reasons this site is so successful is the compassion to help people figure out the issues we have in our relationships.
Bravo to those who offered help to the op for where she is now and not assuming that disaster looms.
Yes, I'm a glass half full person .
You know what they say: Once bitten, twice shy. You're not doing anyone a favor by just assuming the best possible outcome. Half or more of all marriages end in divorce, a lot of the rest become loveless, sexless business arrangements. What are the numbers for CDs that come out to their wives? They're probably a lot worse. I doubt they are better. The odds are against us so risk management becomes very important.
Very tricky situation Rebecca, I would attempt to have a serious discussion with her. I would be asking her how she feels about you and really listen to her. Of course its impossible for any of us here to know what happens in your dynamic, but she is sending out signals to you. There is a possibility that deep down she feels she has failed to be feminine enough for you and that is why you are who who are. Of course that is irrational but who said rational behavior comes into people's feelings.
Perhaps you should consider seeing someone as a start, there is a fair chance that could lead to seeing someone together after you have started the ball rolling.
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
I would still compliment her when she mentions something like her hair. Even though it may burn a bit inside, when she is flaunting it as you say, just tell her you noticed, and you think it looks nice. Keep it up until she quits, or you might be surprised, she might calm down a bit. You get more flies with honey, so they say. Try to not be confrontational, but don't let her walk all over you, but be courteous and respectful, even if she is not.
There is definitely some friction between you two and it will continue to get worse until it reaches a breaking point, so do what you can to let her know you appreciate things that she does, (what few they may be). You two need to find a way to get along, or sometime you world will come crashing down and you think things are tough now!
Hi Rebecca, Try to work with her and maybe able to help her with hair and makeup, It could be fun for both of you...
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Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~...
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
Or, maybe the fact that you are using makeup and can wear a wig that's long and feminine has triggered her to take more pride in her own appearance.
I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !
I love it when my wife mocks me about my dressing. It is just one more way she is showing her love for me.
Warning: Long reply ahead.
I asked her if we could take a vacation day on Tuesday. It was short notice, but we both work for the same company. We slept in, I got up and made her a beautiful breakfast. Bacon, home made hash browns, my patented scrambled eggs, toast with home made wild strawberry jam, and coffee. She sensed something was up. When she had finished, I took the plate, and sat down in front of her. I didn't even get the first word out before the tears began to flow. I told her everything. Every little thing that I could think of. All my wants, all my fears, and all my hopes. She just sat there taking it in. It felt like I was at my therapist. I just let it all out. It took me over an hour. I told her about how hard it is for me to cut my nails. How it pains me to have them short. I told her about wanting to go out as myself more and more. I told her that the road I am on WILL lead to transition at some point. I also told her over and over how much I love her and my daughter. How much it hurts me knowing that they will be hurt in this process. I told her about me cutting myself, ( I had hidden it from her....a mistake, I know ), how hard it is for me to choose to be the woman I know I am, and the husband and father she wants me to be. How torn I am. How divided I am. How deeply sad I am. I laid everything bare. I then waited for the hammer to fall. It never did. She never knew how much I am really hurting inside. How much my soul aches over being torn between the the two women in my life - her, and I. The D word never came up. We talked, and talked, and talked all day. No breaks. I then brought up the last point - my feelings of being mocked. She began sobbing. Tears fell like rain in a monsoon. She wasn't mocking me. There is no other man, or plans for a divorce. It turns out, she has begun to dabble in makeup, and grow her hair long from guilt. Guilt that she could do everyday, what I long to do, but as of now, cannot. She felt guilty. She felt bad. She felt sad, that she could wear whatever she wanted, have her hair however she wanted, while I could not. That was what it was. I, nor anyone who responded to my thread picked up on it. She felt that as a woman, she was not doing me justice. She was not holding up her end as a wife. I can't detail the entire conversation, but needless to say, it was good one, perhaps the best ever, and I think we are closer for it. She promised to be more sensitive to my needs, and I to hers. We are not perfect. We are doing our best with the hand we have been dealt. Can anyone ask for any more..??
Thanks for the update, Rebecca. I think you've proved that so often, keeping lines of communication open is the most important thing. I'm glad it went well.
A girl can never have too many dresses
Hi, Rebecca!
When I read your OP and updates, I was also not sure what to think. There was a member here who posted about coming out to one of her female friends, and the friend got upset that she [the friend] could do and wear all the things that the said member wanted to do and wear, but she [the friend] felt that she was taking it for granted by not doing so. So I've heard about this reaction before, but it wouldn't have crossed my mind because if I were in either of your positions, I wouldn't have viewed it that way, nor made that accusation ( as you both didn't ). But I am pleased you both managed to start communicating because it's better than worrying without knowing for sure what is going on in each other's minds.
I hope for the best for you both in the future
Hello Rebecca,
I was heartened to read your latest post. When you said you thought that your wife was mocking you as well as making changes in her appearance I feared that there was another man somewhere in the background. I'm delighted to see that you both have been able to open up freely to each other. Many couples fail here and bring disaster upon themselves.
It's good that this 'clearing of the air' has made facing what the future holds easier in that you will face it together. Life, especially major alterations such as you envisage, can be so difficult and yet easier to bear when you have someone by your side. Communication lies down a foundation for progessing and overcoming problems but it's not a magic spell but an essential ingredient in keeping a relationship intact. Transitioning will alter things if you do go along that path. However, a good start has been made. I wish you both well.
Rebecca this is all good.
Please be careful to not make it all about you. Your wife needs some support with all of this as well. You have just downloaded a lot of pretty heavy stuff to her. Please make sure you are aware of what she needs and might be going through. This is a journey the two of you will be on together. Take care of each other.....
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