Back to considering transition

[ashleymasters]

Hello all. I have listed here a few times. I have been a long time crossdresser and very happy about that. I have had a lot of ups and downs when it comes to being trans or transitioning. I have mostly described myself as being gender fluid with two distinct sides to myself. There are several times I have felt very much like I want more but unsurety causes me not to act. I am honestly afraid of what transitioning could cost me. And while I feel I could be happy with my results after transition I don't know that I can afford to do it in the circumstances I would need to be happy. The last year (I turned 30) I have grown more masculine in a few ways. My face looks more mature and I'm growing much more facial/body hair it's really upsetting. I haven't felt disphoria to this extent before. I'm beginning to think that I am perhaps just a masculine woman but I dislike not being able to present a feminist image. For my over all mental health I have been on antidepressants for a few months. Specifically ones that will help me relax and not obsess on things. They have greatly helped to quiet my
Mind. And I find myself looking more optimisticly in the direction of transition. I'm not sure yet but I wondered if anyone else felt this way after being medicated.

[Heidi Stevens]

Hey Ashley, as another Arkansan once said: I feel your pain! You are at one of those major crossroads that every one of us must face regarding our condition. It took me 57 years to realize there was something else driving this need other than dressing. After it became too much to bear, I sought out professional help from a regular psychiatrist but got no mental or physical relief from her when I brought up my cross dressing. It was only when I sought help from a psychologist who specialized in sexual Dysphoria that I found relief.

It sounds like you are on a similar path, but you are getting overall mental health treatment through counseling and medication. Have you brought up the main driving force, your dysphoria, with your psychiatrist and are they familiar with the latest treatment standards?

If you later are given the go ahead to pursue HRT, you may or may not find relief. In my case it has corrected my ship and stabilized my life. Be aware this is not a magic bullet for everyone and you may have to do other things to achieve peace with yourself. I had laser treatments done to my face to remove my beard shadow. The shadow was causing me great distress by limiting my ability to stay long periods of time presenting feminine. But this treatment has not prevented me from presenting masculine for the present time. These two actions along with councilling have me in a place I can live with for now and be happy. My wife's love is the other driving force and I will continue to present as a male for her until she leaves me or passes. Only then will I totally transition and live as a woman.

I hope this helps you some. It's not the exact same for all, but I may give you a direction to head from this crossroads you face. Good luck

[ashleymasters]

Thank you for the encouragement. I am seeking help. And thus far it's been hard to identify what I would consider dysphoria. I'm beginning to understand how much of "me"I have constructed as part of this male image for the world. And it's very difficult to tell which parts are authentic and which are organic to myself. I'm trying to peel back the layers and start the discern that. I will look for a specialized therapist and see if that can help.

[AlyssaJ]

Ashley, I identify very strongly with your story as it is similar to mine only you're figuring things out a decade sooner than I did (wish I had figured it out sooner). I too have had to go through the process of peeling back layer upon layer of denial, social conditioning and shame based repression. For the longest time, I considered myself a male with a crossdressing fetish. While that title never really fit (I always knew it was much more than a sexual thing) I was "sure" I wasn't a transsexual. More recently, I came to understand the idea of gender fluid and labeled myself as such. I finally admitted I had a female gender identity but still believed I also had a connection to a male identity as well.

After months of therapy, some exploration and some experimentation, I've finally peeled back enough layers to see that the connection I thought I felt to a male identity was really just more denial. It was a result of internalized trans phobia. I didn't want to admit that I was a transsexual. Instead my mind was searching for a certain degree of comfort in the familiar space of playing the male role just as I had for the last 39 years. I've been able to truly connect with my feelings and allow myself to be honest about who I am. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I am a woman in gender identity even if my bodily sex characteristics say something else. As a result, I'm getting started on transition.

I just want you to know that what you're experiencing is not uncommon and nothing to fear. The only thing to fear is staying in a state where you continue to lie to yourself and try to fool yourself about who you really are. I can't tell you for sure who you are, that's something you must discover for yourself. However, your journey seems to have roots very similar to mine so at least keep all possibilities open in your mind until you come to a conclusion about who you are.