Dressing and not enjoying it, then Busted!

[Judy-Somthing]

Do you ever dress up and not enjoy it and think "Why am I doing this"?

Well of course I've been trying to figure that out myself.
Well I started dressing at about five.

Well my wife knew I dressed up one in awhile with friends and after we got married she said it was a turn off.
I went into the closet and would dress about once a month,
Then the Stork brought children and I stopped dressing for close to twenty years.

Well last year after the children have moved out The Pink Fog hit big time.
After about a month I tried telling the wife which wasn't easy. I told her I would like to put on a dress, she freaked.
She asked the usual questions, are you Gay, do you want to be a woman? No and No.

After about a year the Pink Fog has just about totally faded, I guess I over did it.

Last month she found my 4" heels and got a little upset but was over it in a few weeks.



Then yesterday I had some time to dress but not the desire but forced myself anyhow.
I wasn't enjoying at all so I went to work instead.
When I got home my wife was holding a hair clip I left out, So busted.


She demanded to hear the whole story.
It wasn't easy but I told her quite a lot which wasn't easy.
Then my son came in so the tell all stopped.
She says it's to much for her to handle and I her life is ruined.
She said your a nice guy but not what she bargained for.


It's hard to know what to do. Can I stop? Maybe? She said most likely not. Should I PURG ??.......

She said If I don't stop she's leaving me.

[docrobbysherry]

Am I confused or is it u, Judy?

U don't enjoy dressing, your wife will leave u if u keep doing it, and u don't want the rest of your family to know about it. So, what should u do?

I'm betting you're looking for excuses, rite? Then, let me be the first to say, u should keep dressing until it becomes FUN for u again!

Because you're not likely to get that advice from anyone else-----

[Wen4cd]

Well at least you tried to tell her.

[Jaylyn]

Judy I am so sorry I don't know what to say except some decisions must be made. I understand somewhat in that even though my wife is semi ok to sometimes really ok with it I feel I let her down ever now and then when I dress. Maybe it is the guilt of not being the man I should be to her when we married. She knew before we married but she also loves manly men. All our kids have been raised and left to their own lives and families. It's just me and her together all the time so dressing cannot be all the time. We worked it so I could have some time and we think we will be ok with it.
I think if you really love her you both need to sit down and visit about her feelings and yours.
Good luck I'm praying things will work out for you.

[Ressie]

Is this why your avatar is blurred out making you unrecognizable? I would just get divorced and become free to dress, but that's just me.

[Traci H]

Yikes Judy, I have always admired you/\. You look great in your avatar all the time. Well not now. I suspect your avatar now reflects your situation, one big messy blurred blob, or something along those lines. I wish I had an answer for you. My situation is not all that different that yours. I keep hoping for a sliver of acceptance. I am a great husband I believe other that donning women's clothes from time to time. Hope it smooths out and you get your fog back, or maybe not? ?

[Julie Gaum]

Consider: Marriage requires equal compromise of both parties to work. Where do you want to be re "true to oneself" in ten years, twenty years? Today's generation of children would, more than likely, have no problem with who you are (a good father who happens to have been born a CD). So the decision boils down to whether or not your spouse really loves you enough to meet your life style half way or not.
Julie

[Judy-Somthing]

Day two, I just spent a couple of hours talking to the wife.
She says no more secrets. But dose expect it to stop.
I told her the whole story about my dressing and she's thinking if the wrong person finds out it will spread like wildfire.
She thinks my adult children will stop visiting which will stink especially if and when grand children are born, and she'll hate me if that happens.

[Diane Taylor]

Maybe it's easy for me to say but a divorce is something you can eventually get over, but the crossdressing will never go away. When I came out to my ex, I was prepared to deal with a divorce if that's what was in the cards. Eight years after coming out I divorced her but it wasn't about the crossdressing.

[Lana Mae]

Judy, so sorry to hear all this! You can stop, but you know it will come back eventually! (Maybe at a better time!) You know your children, how would they react? Is the wife being paranoid? I wish you all the best and will pray for you! Hugs Lana Mae

[Tracii G]

How old is your son?
Are you happy in the marriage?
Is dressing all that important to your well being and could you live life just fine with out it?
Thats what I would ask myself.
I'm so fed up with women I doubt I could ever live with one

[Teresa]

Judy,
I have been through this and I can tell you from experience these things don't happen, my children are both in their thirties, with their own children, their partners both know, OK they haven't seen me but know I now go out socially. Most of the fears my wife had have more or less gone away, I'm possibly not the man she married anymore but I'm still accepted as a husband and a father and now a grandfather. I believe counselling did help because it made it clear to them I needed help, yes we did nearly separate , but when that is finally the prospect the real issues are put on the table and discussed sensibly. We felt too many people were going to be hurt so we compromised and that's how I get to be more open with my dressing and go out socially. I admit it's not a perfect situation but at the moment it's working, I know now I need more so I do have some decisions still to make but at least they will understand it's part of me which I have lived with all my life and I can't change, that is the point you wife has to come to accept, YOU CAN'T CHANGE!! You can't bury it, it's irrelevant whether you have a full closet or an empty one , you are still going to feel the same way , purging is a short term fix to try and satisfy your wife, but it will screw you up, you can't deny that fact .

[Stephanie47]

First, there are time when I am totally not in the mood to wear women's clothing. So, I don't. There are time when I don't feel like doing something mundane so I don't do that either. I know there are many on this site you have to grab some crumbs of time when the wife is out of the house for ten minutes...thirty minutes..etc. I was in that situation a long time ago. It was really nerve racking and it seemed to feed upon itself. Anyway, if the mood is not there, so be it!

As far as leaving a hair clip out that is a different situation. Your wife is really unrealistic. She knows you like to wear women's clothing. She does not appreciate it. HOWEVER, she says you're a nice guy!!!!! She has threatened to leave you. It's really time to sit her down and just explain the situation to her. You are who you are...period...end of story....no apologizes. Don't bullshit her with psycho babble about inner feminine stuff. It will get you nowhere. I told my wife the truth. I told her "I don't know why I wear women's clothing on occasion! It has nothing to do about you!"

Your wife needs to just pull out the scales of justice and weighs what she perceives as the good and the bad. I bet the scales will weigh down the side of the traits any woman wants in a man. The cross dressing? Let her choose whether or not she leaves. Call her bluff.

On occasion I have left out undergarments which were found by my wife....a red Vanity Fair bra...white nylon panty....unpopped water balloons in the kitchen sink. She did not go ballistic. She picked up the undergarments, folded them, put them on top of the washer...a told me later. No accusations. No snide remarks. She realizes this is a small quirk I have. She knows she has short comings also.

I will offer an opinion concerning your collection of dresses. I have a therapist for issues unrelated to cross dressing (combat PTSD). I do not discuss my cross dressing with her. I do discuss compulsive buying my wife does and I do on occasion. It is called "retail therapy." As long as your wife continues to ride you about your desires to wear women's clothing, then more you will seek comfort in women's clothing. Your wife does not realize she is going to be the one who causes your relation to implode one way. She is going to back herself into a corner from which she cannot escape.

Go buy a dress! You deserve it!

[GretchenM]

Hi Judy,

I have always admired your feminine expression. You do make a beautiful woman. Unfortunately, that is not the totality of your existence. You still have a Y chromosome and with that come certain expectations by others. I think many of us have gone through the meat grinder of trying to make our different behavior pattern compatible with living up to the expectations of family and friends and life in a culture where the gender binary is the holy grail of self definition. On the whole, I have found that if you don't have these kinds of needs to be feminine and sometimes dress as a woman to express what you feel inside, it is extremely difficult for others to understand it and accept it. It is one of those, "you just had to be there" kind of things.

In my opinion, I think your wife is going overboard with the "what ifs." A few immediate what ifs are OK, but to go to the extent that she may be going is based on an irrational fear. On the other hand, perhaps you both are reluctant to find a good compromise. Perhaps you are both a bit too stubborn? And that compromise does exist so long as people don't get irrational about the situation. In that regard I very much agree with the posts that Teresa and Stephanie have offered. It can be made to work. My wife was terrified when I came out. She adapted some and I adapted a bit more and we found a middle ground which is basically biased a bit more toward the compliance with social standards than I would like, but is workable. One thing we both did was go to counseling. Not just any therapist but someone who is familiar with gender identity issues. We went to a local organization that is supportive of trans people and they were extremely helpful in finding good therapists. Hopefully you live where that is available. If not, then find a therapist you both like or even go to separate therapists as my wife and I did. But, now we are back on track. I am sure she would prefer that I not be "that way" but throwing away years and years of marriage just because of that isn't all that sensible if the rest of the marriage is in pretty good shape. I know I would prefer freedom to express as I please when I am not in a lull. I recommend you talk to her about seeing a therapist and if she wants you to go first, then do that, but make it clear that she has to agree to eventually join you if the therapists thinks that is necessary. In other words, set up a situation where you are both seeking some kind of middle ground where you are both comfortable. Thus, the needs and concerns of both are considered but perhaps nobody fully wins. If she refuses to go then you should still go as it will help you make some adjustments if the marriage completely falls apart. But more often she will see changes in you and that will likely change her view. As Julie said, it is a compromise you are seeking.

As for the fading of the desire to dress, don't fret about that. Many of us go through periods where that fades, but permanent fading seems to be awfully rare. Keep in mind that the desire to dress is an expression of whatever degree of gender reversal you have developed in the course of your life. But dressing is not the gender identity you have - just the expression. Because the experts in this field have found that gender is an activity rather than some kind genetic imperative like your sex or the color of your eyes or the shape of your nose gender is naturally variable. Unfortunately, in most cultures gender is viewed as being more fixed when in fact it isn't. I suggest you and your wife both be more open to making some changes in your interaction with regard to this issue. I don't recommend doing that completely yourself - it is way too complex. You probably need the impartial view of a third party who has no vested interest other than to help you two find the compromise. Find a counselor and let them help guide you. It really does work.

Gretchen

[Ressie]

From my experience, when telling a spouse that I cross dress, some look at it as a big problem. Very few (but some) look at it like, this is going to be fun! And some don't let you know how they really feel. I've always confessed early in relationships and I feel for those that only come out after many years of keeping it a secret. At that point it becomes a trust issue which is a bigger problem.

Yes Judy, I think your wife is imagining the worst. Maybe you should come out to your children, but present it in a way that's fun. You have fun doing it right? Presenting it in a heavy, dramatic way conveys that crossdressing is a big problem. It shouldn't be viewed that way. Dad is just having fun playing dress up!

[ronda]

Judy I hope it works out for the best for you and your wife and children I hope she can understand you were born this way and that it has always been part of you and you are the same man she married she just has a little more info and the world will not crumble because someone finds out that you dress do not purge it cost to much money pack it up put it away this will work itself out

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks everyone for reminding me I'm not a crazy person,

Wife and I spoke quite a bit last night and things seem to be getting better now that she basically knows most everything.
I told her I would try to stop. She said she knows I won't, that I'll just hide it better.

At that point I was feeling pretty bad about my self thinking it's part of who I am that has to be hidden in shame.

Well we both fell asleep on the coach with the TV on and I woke up at about 1 AM

The TV was still on and go figure there's a show on about Drag Queens.
I was kind of a documentary about getting dolled up and putting on a show.
Everyone was happy, having fun and looked great.

It made me feel better about myself.

It's so one sided that it's fully excepted that girls can go from basically dress any way they want.
But if your a man you better follow the rules.

I decided not to fully purge.

[Helen_Highwater]

Judy,

I'm not for a moment suggesting you use this in your discussions/negotiations but the thought did strike me.

Your situation regarding the ultimatum to stop is something we read here often. Wouldn't it be interesting if the reply was, "I'll stop wearing dresses if you stop wearing jeans and trousers, after all they're men's attire!. A century ago women didn't wear trousers. The only thing that's normallised the wearing of trousers for females was the advent of 2 world wars that forced women into industry and then the passage of time. Go back further to the renaissance and gentlemen worn high heels. What's normal is a transient thing.

The only advice I can offer is caution. Even since you started the thread things have it seems, mellowed. Continue to take it slowly as there's a huge truth in the saying, "Act in haste, repent a leisure".

[Teresa]

Judy,
Don't do anything too rash , let the dust settle.
I know it's easy to beat yourself about your dressing feelings, the guilt and shame is so destructive, I hope you can get to the point where you can tell your wife and others that that part no longer bothers you, it doesn't change what's inside your head . You have to take is slowly with small steps, if we push too hard we fall into the trap of taking one step forward and two back, the hardest part I found is when the goalposts keep moving. One day my wife blurted out OK , you dress as you choose around the house , I didn't push that and we both slept on it , the next morning she had changed her mind she just didn't want to see it . The best thing I've done is to go out socially, if you could get to that point it does bring the situation into perspective . Many of the fears my wife had just disappeared , part of it I feel was she wasn't taking me seriously . I was hiding at home wearing a few clothes, but finding the need was stronger and had the courage ( using her words ) to go out in my car in broad daylight fully dressed as a woman to meet others in the open environment of a hotel proved it wasn't an outgrown childish thing . ( Which I'm sure many wives think ).

At one time I could feel my flesh crawl when programs like that came on , I just couldn't look at my wife until they were over. (The MoneySupermarket advert is giving me some problems , I made an official complaint to the advertising agency , they partly agreed but the series is still being screened and has stooped to even lower levels now .)

[VeronicaMoonlit]

So busted.

"Busted"....You keep using that word. I do not think you are using the word the way it is usually used here. You CAN'T be busted more than once, especially since you posted various "caught" and "busted" threads ever since you arrived here.

She KNOWS, she just didn't know the whole story. That's not busted.

As for advice. you've been given good advice over and over and over in the past about dealing with this like an adult and having a proper, full, and honest conversation, which you kept ignoring.

You need to do that now.

It's hard to know what to do. Can I stop? Maybe?

Don't be a fool. You've been doing this since you were 5.

Should I PURG ??

Purge, and add to the mistakes you've already done with another?

She said If I don't stop she's leaving me.

Did you tell her you've been doing this since you were young and that it is deeply a part of you?

Veronica

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks Teresa, it appears that the dust is settling fast. So far so good.

Also what Helen has said about women wearing pants reminds me of back in the 60's, I remember the high school girls wear protesting that the dress code didn't allow girls to wear jeans.

[~Joanne~]

First, I have had many days where I didn't feel like dressing but forced myself to do it, it feels almost like someone is going to steal your CD card if you don't and I know it doesn't make any logic or sense but then again, when I think about it, none of this really does. Your not alone, I am sure there are many of us that do this.

Secondly, don't kid yourself, your not stopping. It will always be there. no matter how long you make it, no matter how hard you try, it will always be there. Your only kidding yourself in thinking you can fully stop. You'll be in misery and fighting with yourself internally even if you can and that is no way to live.

It always amazes me how one sided this always is, she cant live with it and i always have to wonder why? I am sure there are things that you live with without saying a word about it. I am sure we do every day of our lives. This is why i am always thankful that i was lucky enough to find the right person to spend my life with, she has no hang ups and looks at this as i do, I am CD and not much more. I guess if I told her I was going to transition she may have a few words but she would support me regardless because she love me THAT much.

I am ranting ow so I'll just go away

[sweetdreams]

Hi Judy.

Just my point of view but if my SO threatened me by saying stop or I'll divorce you, I wouldn't hesitate in telling her to go for it. I couldn't live like that, but that is just me. You need to make your own decisions and live with the consequences.

I'm kind of spiritual (not religious). Maybe the universe is whispering in your ear by showing that drag TV show at that time. It's telling you what you need to do in order to be true to yourself.

Something I do think you should do is stop feeling shame and guilt. You aren't doing anything wrong. How it affects your relationships is another question but be secure in who you are. You are someone who enjoys wearing women's clothes and feeling feminine. It's not going away. Accept it and then figure out how you are going to deal with it.

Definitely don't purge. It doesn't solve anything and in the end you will wish you hadn't. Put it away for awhile but don't toss it out the door (like your wife seems prepared to do to you). Keep your things around and if (when) the desire returns, you will still have some pretty things to enjoy.

[Dana44]

I have read this Judy. Heck I have been through two marriages. If she told me that I would tell her to hit the road. But wait. You have not had a serious discussion with her about you. With no really good communication there is no way that you are giving her a chance to act responsibly. So Talk to her, yes about yourself and what you want.Perhaps a DADT situation. But you never know what she may think. She may after all is done be acceptable. But if it isn't go for a DADT situation. But be a man about it.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Dear Judy,

It isn't really the Stork who brings babies. You do know that, don't you...?

Hugs, Nikki