It may just be me who feels like this but I truly have a hard time finding sympathy for those that lie/hide their dressing from their SO. They do what they do, get caught, and are flabbergasted when their SO is pissed off.
"She doesn't trust me anymore". Well.........you don't really deserve that trust anymore.
"Make her go to counseling" people will say. Well......it's really not her that needs to go as she did nothing wrong.
You lied not her.
Anyways. That's just my opinion. Like it or not.
I concur 1000%.
Jon
I agree lying to our spouses is full of consequences most not good, I've done things in the past and tried to hide but once
found out it never went well.
It's hard I understand revealing oneself to your SO but if you really do love them tell them the truth
I don't believe people who hide their crossdressing are all "flabbergasted" when their SO's are upset upon discovery. I was agonizing over how and when to tell my SO when I was discovered (say what you will, but it really wasn't intentional).
She was upset/angry/hurt/confused etc. I certainly wasn't surprised by her reaction. I fully understood it and told her so, and I certainly wasn't asking for sympathy.
And then there are the people who say " I won't tell my wife or s/o because she'd never understand "
How would you know if she would or wouldn't understand if you won't talk to her ?
And how would you feel if she kept a secret from you that affected both your lives.
The best advice is to be honest and open with anyone you're in a relationship with, life is to precious to live lying and hiding your true self.
I agree Laurana.
What gets to me are the ones that make it "all about them" and don't even consider their SO's/families feelings at all.
Also the ones that ask for help then do the opposite of what you or any other member suggested then get mad when their SO tosses them out.
I call these types askholes.
Last edited by Tracii G; 03-20-2017 at 09:13 AM.
I am in no way looking for sympathy this is an open forum to share stories and information.
All CD-ers don't necessarily want to hide it but in life sometimes you have to.
For me my wife knew I dressed up now and then prior to us getting married.
It was never thought as something we needed to discuss.
She didn't tell me she didn't like me dressing prior to marriage so I didn't lie to her.
The other day my wife and I and a long discussion about my CD-ing and I reminded her she knew prior to marriage.
She said she thought it was just fooling around and not that I'm a CD-er.
I would say one reason people hide it is because they don't wan't to hurt their family.
Last edited by Judy-Somthing; 03-20-2017 at 07:20 PM. Reason: typo
"This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
Much more fun than fishing.
I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?
Clearly, you've never done anything that - looking back - you weren't particularly proud of, Laurana, and which allows you to be so judgemental. Let me be the first one here to nominate you for sainthood. The rest of us, sadly, are just flawed human beings trying to muddle through this minefield called "life".
Hindsight is always 20/20, and few things are ever black and white...
And then everyone can have an opinion, at least in my opinion.
Pretty much speaks for me. In the end I did open up to my wife. And I am glad we crossed that bridge. When I met her and we got married I thought that perhaps my CDing would go away. You know the story. I think if I had told her pre-married she might have dumped me. Back then, 30 years ago, there was not much real information out there for spouses, and there was no counseling, and I did not understand myself at all.Originally Posted by Leslie Langford
In principle I agree with you Laurana, but I'm do have sympathy for those who struggle with coming out to the SO. This is potentially life changing stuff. If you've been in a relationship with someone for 20 years and your CDing starts to push hard, it's going to be a bumpy ride for all involved. This has all the makings of divorce with all of the ugly things that comes along with that.
I could never stay in a relationship that didn't accommodate all parts of me. I just couldn't do it. It's who I am just as CDing is part of who I am. Fortunately I don't seem to attract people to me who are so closed minded as to be unwilling to be flexible. Never had an outright refusal from a GG I was involved with.
Last edited by sweetdreams; 03-20-2017 at 10:43 AM.
Couldn't agree more.
And by the way... I have a glass house I'm willing to sell. Comes with a free pile of rocks for throwing around after you move in.
I am not a woman nor am I a man... I am an enby. Hi, I am Wren.
Laurana,
If only it was simple as that, none of us are perfect, your comments may fit with some but honesty works both ways. So much of the talk puts our wives and women in general on pedestals . I've found women withhold far more then we know , some of the flak we receive isn't all down to our dressing it's sometimes their issues and shortcomings . We put far too much blame on our CDing for issues we know nothing about.
In my personal circumstances it was down to naivety rather than withholding or lying . I had two GFs that were OK with my dressing so I went into marriage not seeing it as a problem. I couldn't stand the suppression anymore and came out to my wife after twenty years of marriage, I wanted to be totally open and completely honest from that point, but when the DADT wall went up that was the end of those thoughts. Since then it's been a rollercoaster of a ride, but I've finally found what makes me tick.
Does this make me a bad person , I hope not, I tried to do my best as a husband and father, sometime I do look back and wonder how I managed to achieve what I did, when you live it 24/7 from a child.
Agree with both Leslie and Gina.
I haven't, yet, come out to my wife. Don't know if i ever can or will. When we got married i genuinely thought that I had quit for good. 25 years later i know better.
P.S. I'm not looking for sympathy. However, a little understandingwould be nice. The kicking from "friends" i can do without!
Last edited by Lorileah; 03-21-2017 at 12:06 AM. Reason: you don't need quote to agree
Laurana, your opinion is noted, but the facts are bigger than a mountain as to why people don't come out. Why would a valid reason to not come out by others be less important than an opinion of someone outside the situation ? My point is: it's like one person saying my sins are less than yours, when actually they are all equal.
I think some of you are missing the point. It's all about HONESTY. Without HONESTY, there can not be a TRUSTING relationship. Without TRUST and HONESTY, the relation can not/will not survive. Honesty and trust, once lost, takes a very long time to be regained, if ever.
Jon
Last edited by Joni T; 03-20-2017 at 11:26 AM.
Laurana, Your opinion that the gurl who hides deserves the wrath she gets when caught is only that, an opinion. Are you assuming that talking is a better option? Are you assuming that you know the spouse better than the CD in hiding? I would offer that not all spouses react the same and that a DADT relationship may be the best option in some cases.
1) If you are a CD and even though you had the best intentions to quit, you find that you are still a CD,
2) If your wife is not very tolerant and has made it clear that she will not accept a crossdressing husband,
Then maybe the ONLY option is one of secrecy. It may not be a good option, but it still may be the best option.
We all weigh the variables and make the best decision we can.
I found the guilt overwhelming. And, there was the stress of nearly getting caught and realizing eventually I WOULD BE!
I felt I just HAD to tell her!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
it is ironic to dispense judgement, since it is judgement of the bigoted and toxic societies that continues to prove how dangerous they are to cross-dressers and transgenders --there has been 17 deaths in the USA so far for 2017.
Fair call!
I do however have sympathy!
I don't want any sympathy from anyone, I've fully come out to my wife, doctor, nurse and beautician obviously!
I also cover the left side of my face as that is the side which takes most of the hits!
So I wont lie, YOU CAN TELL BY THE BRUISES!
So some ladies may have a reason to lie!
Stacy
STOP, Well I just dance the way I feel
Stop breathing imagine none of this is real
Well I just dance the way I feel
Well I just dance the way I feel
Well I just dance the way I feel "Ou Est Le Swimming Pool"
We had a saying in the army--If you are looking for sympathy, look in the dictionary, you will find it between shit & syphilis
jodi
IMO honesty is the best policy. If you keep something like that a secret then they don't know the real you, they fall in love with a charade. When they find out or when they are finally told bout such a big deception they are of course upset and feel betrayed. They were sold a pig in a poke. All trust is lost. Be upfront from the start, if they are not on board then don't start a relationship with them. I would rather be by myself than to be in a relationship based on lies and deception.
For most CDers, its not a simple thing to just come out and tell a loved one about it IMO. There are social stigmas attached to it. For most of us, simply stopping is not an option either, as it's a part of who we are. Some can go on hiatus but the pink fog is is never truly dissipated. Sometimes keeping a secret is the best solution. The rationals for keeping those secrets are many and the person can convince themselves it's for all the right reasons. As time goes by, the fallout of revealing gets worse and worse.
The way I see it, sympathy many not be warranted in every case, but to say that it's never warranted is kinda ironic from a CDer's point of view. Nothing is ever black and white. This world needs more understanding and less judgment. More empathy and less harshness. That's my two cents anyways
I jumped that minefield by telling my wife-to-be while we were still in the early dating stage. Looking back, and seeing the hell that so many here go through with secrecy, I'm very glad I did.
But I can still very much sympathize with someone who can't disclose this, and see how it would get more and more impossible as time goes on. Before you judge them, you should run out to your workplace and make sure every manager, boss, and co-worker gets a good eyeful of you dressed. Make sure every neighbor greets you dressed. Go pick your kids up from school dressed and go to church dressed.
Essentially, every relationship you have with every other person on earth is mask-to-mask, persona-to-persona. It's just a fact of human nature.
Last edited by Wen4cd; 03-20-2017 at 12:37 PM.
And so we go, on with our lives...
We know the Truth, but prefer Lies.
Lies are simple, simple is Bliss.
Why go against tradition, when we can admit defeat,
Live in Decline, be the victim of our own design?
The problem we have here, is that it assumes all wives are perfect innocent little angels. We get married 'for better or for worse'. But when worse comes up, the ladies want to bail out, AND they want us to pay for it. THAT'S the issue many of us have. Sure, they're upset when THEY find out something they don't like. But when we do, we're expected to just 'man up' and deal with it. History of mental illness? Deal with it. Credit problems? Deal with it. HPV? Deal with it. Income tax problems? Deal with it. Yes, WE'RE supposed to deal with it all. But not them. Nope, they get a pass. Because they're entitled to get everything that they expected. Us, no. We're not entitled to anything. We get divorced, we get nothing. They're entitled to being supported to the life they're accustomed to. We're entitled to, again, nothing. I do get very tired of hearing about how the other half has it so hard; my life hasn't been a walk in the park, either, I had to deal with a passive/aggressive wife with a history of major depression AND SHE DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT THOSE, EITHER, but I'm automatically the bad one? Enough. Life is difficult.
Nobody's perfect.
So your white knight wound up riding up in tattered coveralls on a donkey, instead of a majestic steed and a suit of armor? Deal with it, ladies. Make the best of it. He's not a cheater, he's not a thief, he's not a robber; he's not a con man, he's not a guy who comes home and beats you. He's not a murderer, an assassin, or a serial killer, or some despot who kills his own citizens. He simply likes to wear a dress once in a while. It's not a big deal. Keep things in perspective, please.
Rant over, thank you.
And, DR Laurana, that's MY opinion, like it or not.
Last edited by sometimes_miss; 03-20-2017 at 12:43 PM.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Posting Permissions
