My wife found some of my stash a couple years ago. It about ended the marriage. She refused to deal with it. I was told no female clothing or she was gone. Now other than CD'ing we get along great. I purged and behaved myself for maybe a year, then tried to talk to her and she would not accept it. Now we all know the chances of stopping, you can just stop breathing, correct? So for me it has come to me having a small very portable stash that gets rotated if I find something I really need.
HeHe He,, Yeah I went through a lot of women. in my life as I told them. But now I found a woman who loves me either way unconditionally. They say it takes a while to find your soul mate. But it took me sixty years and two marriages. I told every one and well. A lot of heartbreak as most people are bigoted. But I agree with you Laurana. No sympathy in my life and I knew quite a few women. It was a dance that I had to do.
Part Time Girl
well said, S. Miss be safe karrin
Oh no. I've done plenty of stupid stuff in my life. Never lied to my SO over something so potentially devastating though.Originally Posted by Leslie Langford
Yes. Telling them straight out BEFORE they get too emotionally invested is ALWAYS the best thing to do. If you don't think they'll be able to handle it then they clearly aren't for you.
Again, my opinion. Like it or not.
All good points sometimes_miss, but this is why I feel it's so important to get this out before things go too far, certainly before marriage. If the SO is unable or unwilling to accept us for what we are, this is when it should come out, and not after some number of years into the marriage. If your SO is all of what you portrayed in your rant, nothing will bring it out faster then her having to deal with our crossdressing. In a way our CDing is a blessing. It's like a lightning rod for emotionally shallow, selfish women. We shouldn't waste our time on them.
Interesting post and well thought out replies. I won't go into my life's CD details, but I would offer this ... Until you have walked in the shoes (stilettos?) of every other person who thinks differently then you, and know their lives and spouses / SOs as well as they, you really do not have the right to criticize what they do or do not do nor why. No two people or relationships are the same as yours. That's just MHO.
Great thread and some interesting responses. I told my "to be" wife, before the "I do's", expecting her to bolt to the nearest door. She didn't. We had many long talks, did a lot of reading, etc., but came up with no answers as to "why". She accepted my CDing. Two of the main reasons were my courage and honesty which included the risk of consequences in being honest with her. Because of my experience, I have little sympathy for those who put their own ego, fear, guilt and, most important..dishonesty as being more important than respect for their wife or SO...very selfish. No wonder they have difficulties when the truth comes out. What if the tables were turned. How would they feel? I also believe the acceptance has to be unconditional...mine is and life is wonderful. Taking the risk and being honest was the best thing I ever did.
Thank you Leslie & Sue for saying what I would like to scream at the thread poster! For many of us prior to or early in our marriages, the need to cd was not present or was simply an entertaining fantasy. Things change, people change & what was once a passing fancy becomes gender dysphoria. Sorry to rain on your sympathy soapbox, but you don't have any idea what many of us have gone through / continue to go through. I truly understand what spouses go through once the reveal has been made late in a marriage. Hell, after years of counseling , I know all too well the plight of my wife dealing with the reveal fallout. I have always been honest with my spouse & more so when the need to cd surfaced 3 years ago. Candidly, considering the marital aftermath of my honest reveal talk, in retrospect, both my wife & I would be a lot happier if I had just kept my cding a secret. Honesty may always be the best policy, but sometimes it's aftermath is more harmful than healthy.
Go There!
STOP, Well I just dance the way I feel
Stop breathing imagine none of this is real
Well I just dance the way I feel
Well I just dance the way I feel
Well I just dance the way I feel "Ou Est Le Swimming Pool"
I told my wife before we got married. She said there would only be one woman in this relationship! I married her anyways(I really loved her!). We had two wonderful kids and 34+ years together. I wore panties maybe 4 times in that 34+ years and purged them right away! I never shared it with her or even tried to bring it up! I knew my wife and my situation. When she passed away,about 1-2 months later the pink fog set in like a tidal wave!!! I immediately went to K Mart and bought panties(the wrong size! LOL) I was able to keep it away for most of my marriage but that does not say that others could and wives are all different! Just my $.02! And regardless my sympathy to everyone and your situation regardless if it is good or bad because we are all afflicted by this wonderful hard wired deviation! LOL Hugs to all Lana Mae
Life is worth living!
"Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix
Whilst i don't thinking hiding something this from your SO is remotely a good idea in the long run. As also just personally with holding a part of yourself would in my opinion would just be emotionally so draining. That being said i also get it, crossdressing for many especially older people on this forum was a very taboo thing and frowned upon in society and to some extent still is. Also love makes you do some weird things too. SO i get many try and repress it thinking that they can shake the desire. But then the desire for many can grow with age and one cannot repress it anymore then end out telling. i sympathize to a limit especially with the older members but i still think it's best to be open about it early as possible.
Sounds great in theory, but please, help us out here: It would be most helpful if you could elaborate for us just what exactly your understanding of "too emotionally invested" is. In other words, where is the line in the sand, the trigger point, the signal, the clue etc. that will tell us that NOW is the right time for full disclosure to our potential mates and to initiate "The Talk".
- Before we even ask our intended out for the first date?
- After the second, third, or fourth dates and after we've gotten to know each other reasonably well but are still sussing each other out, although it seems by that point that we might have a future together?
- What clues should we look for to see if our potential mate might possibly be amenable to our crossdressing, or, alternatively - have a violent negative reaction to it? Drop some subtle or not-so-subtle hints with double meanings that would provide a safe exit, or carpe diem - go or broke and appear at her door in full gurl mode one day or else invite her to accompany us to a drag show?
- Suggest that we go en femme if invited to a Halloween party together, and then knocking her socks off by being too good in our presentation? Hmm...something's up here for sure...
- Do we mention this as a "By the way..." while we're down on one knee proposing to her with engagement ring in hand?
So many questions, so many variables, so many uncertainties, but of course in your world, one solution - and one size - fits all. What a happy, uncomplicated place it must be...
We hear from many CDers here that their wives or SO's would have been just as happy if their partner were not a crossdresser and would likely have walked away given their 'druthers (typically, the DADT crowd) if they'd have had advance knowledge of this. On the other hand, many of those same wives or SO's then still decided to stay in the relationship because they realized that their partners' other good qualities far exceeded that one negative (present company included). Too early a disclosure would potentially have driven them into the arms of a "real man", and given the current divorce statistics (around 50% of marriages), that likely wouldn't have worked out too well for them either.
How do you account for that under your black-and-white "full early disclosure" scenario?
Laurana;
Why do you hold such a hypocritical attitude ? In your post "Been gone so long" you lied to your ex at the hospital about the female clothes you wore into the hospital. I can understand if your attitude has changed, but at least have the kindness to say so instead of coming across as judgmental.
First date is the right time. Plain and simple.
Kelly DeWinter: My ex had no need to know because she is my ex. My dressing started long after we had gotten divorced and quite frankly it's not for her to know since we are no longer together.
There's no judgement. Just an opinion if you lie you deserve what you get.
Last edited by Laurana; 03-20-2017 at 04:26 PM.
If only life were THAT simple Laurana, firstly who says that people that don't tell are shocked when their SO is upset? Who says that the SO needs counselling? If you simply read these boards you will find many stories that did not end that way, you will find some with happy endings and others with sad endings. Relationships are not that simplistic as you seem to think. There are many examples of people who have chosen not to tell for very good and valid reasons.
The reality of being a Tperson is that what you are and how you feel may change over time, so then in your simplistic judgmental world how does that work? What if when you first meet you are a very occasional CD and think I will stop when I am married? Do you tell your future SO then? or do you tell her later when your feelings change? not so simple is it?
Perhaps you should not be so judgemental of people without hearing the facts.
Last edited by Lorileah; 03-21-2017 at 12:09 AM. Reason: you don't need to quote OP
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
Laurana;
From your "Hello from South Dakota" thread ...... Hi all my name is Ken. I'm 45 years old and have been crossdressing on a more or less regular basis for a couple of years now. It all started as a teenager. ............ Then it stopped for years. I got divorced about 10 years ago and started dressing casually a few years after that. ............I've only told one person that I'm a crossdresser and it was one of the most relieving days of my life. "
These are your words.
So lying to YOUR ex wife while YOU are married is OK while you are married and lying to her afterwards is OK, but that makes it OK to be less sympathetic to others ?
I'm not trying to start a flamewar, I'm just pointing out that what you say does not match what you do.
So why go to this length in 3 different different posts to make people feel worse about what they may have gone through.
Sympathy is a pretty nice quality to have, and being able to receive sympathy is a hard quality to cultivate.
*sigh* Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,.......When it stopped(which wasn't any more than wearing a girlfriends undies while masturbating) it was something that never even crossed my mind. I never considered it as anything other than what it was. But...they knew that part as I told them straight out what I'd be doing with them.
So I never lied to my ex whilst married as I wasn't into dressing at that time. And again, she had no reason to know after.
I shared this with wife to be before we were married . Supportive then and now .
I understand it is not easy to share ,but worked out for us .
I am getting ready to tell my children , I hope it works out as well with them.
My point exactly Laurana, there was no need to tell your wife. Lets presume you stayed married, things change you go from a fetish part dresser to wanting to dress properly. At what stage do you tell your wife? and when you do and it comes out that you were doing things before do you think your mrs will feel lied to? Seriously???
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
I disagree that first date is the right time. Nothing like 'I had a good time tonight, can I call you tomorrow? Oh, btw I enjoy crossdressing". Or maybe "Hi, I'm Steve and I'm a crossdresser. Are you ready to go to dinner?"
Stephanie, why not make it even simpler arrive on the first date as Stephanie that will ensure you don't even waste the time of the first date unless she is VERY accepting
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
Terri
Please let us know how it goes if you don't mind. I have similar thoughts running through my brain.
Lauren
No sympathy, tell on first date! Laurana will you be there to offer more than sympathy if someone tells that first date and then that first date gets really weirded out and tells everyone about her first date with a crossdresser and then the word gets around and that poor, or wise in your opinion, CD loses friends family and employment because they blindly followed your sage advice? Will you help that person financially, or will you make up some lame excuse that the CD should have known more about that first date, including their acceptance or not of CDing prior to even making that first date?
I also agree that the best and highly recommended process would be to tell before entering into a long term relationship, but I respectfully defer to the person's better knowledge of their own situation, which I do not know. I will not rub their nose in their future problems if they don't. We are all adults here and whether we want to or not have to live with our own decisions. That is called taking responsibility. I am glad that you are the perfect person and did the correct thing by telling. However, I strongly dislike your attitude toward others whose situation you have no idea about. Do, some overly lament the mess that they got themselves into by not telling at the right time, or in the right way, yes. But the majority here do not cry to much and blame others. They explain and directly or indirectly seek support in how to deal with their current situation. Are you also believer that the SO has every right to explode and treat their CD partner like garbage?
Now, you may not have intended the kick back that you are getting, but as some wise person in the first post to this thread stated very clearly and then defended so many times before my post, I have no sympathy for what you are getting handed back to you. This is a support site. The truth is good, but how you presented your truth is not!
Laurana;
It's really OK if you don't believe you lied or that if you don't believe that crossdressing can start with underwear and can progress to to full presentation and then to transition. By your standards the TG spectrum is just a Unicorn Myth.
What is clear is that you feel that under certain circumstances that YOU decide s applicable to YOU, its OK to hide and NOT be open when it suits you. BUT even with all of that no one else in your opinion has a right to feel the same way.
I and probably others, would feel more comfortable if you would just say that you have changed your views, which is nicer then saying you have no sympathy.
PS. Since this is the third thread you have started on the same topic, it makes me wonder why you have such a problem with this ? Its not like you have said you are in a current relationship where its even a possible issue at this point. So it's either a past relationship or current relationships that is making this a sore subject.
It must be nice going thru life being all knowing. Knowing who you are and where you are going. But seriously, I can only speak for myself. First every TG person I have met is different. Not everyone knows that they are TG from an early age or when they get married. I was married for thirty years and didn’t start exploring this side till the last couple years of my marriage. For the last year I have been living as Jean a cross dressing TG person. I have only come to grips recently that this is who I am.
I don’t read or comment on these threads anymore. Why? If you see a train wreck coming what do you do? Say something or just stand by and watch. Just standing and doing nothing is not an option for me. Meddling in people’s privet lives is a big no-no for me too. That’s why I choose option #3, wearing blinders, don’t look.
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