My sudden change of attitude and confidence! I started to conquer the world!

[Ashley090]

So put it straigh, last week or so I writen very long topic about my zero confidence and fear from doing anything on public showing my girly side like shop gor girl's stuff, wear or use anything with "women's" label on it, let alone going out en femme. But like lighting from the clear sky it all change so sudden. Idk how, idk why. Don't ask bcs I don't have idea Probably your great support (thanks o lot for kind words!) and some of "ideas" how to deal with it made their way in my mind. I ll write it all here, maybe you can tell me what changed. Ready for 5 minutes of reading? Here we go
It all starts last week when I needed to buy new handbag. Men's handbag to be precise. So I went to local store run by vietnamese with all sorts of stuff, feel like browsing ebay in person and look for one. When I got one I like I noticed shelf next to me that was fuuuuull of women's handbags. Then that girl inside of me woke up with "hey, I need handbag, I have none. Lets check them out!". Again my fear strike and hold me back from going there but then so sudden came in my mind "well, lets do this" and I went there, looking and closely checking all bags until I find one that catch my eye. Black, small, something that young girls wear these days. Then again battle start in my mind, but Ashley definetly won since 5 seconds latter I had two handbags in my hand. And to my surprise, nothing happend. No alarms flashing and screaming, no ppl yelling about guy who just pick up girl's handbag with intemtion to buy it. World continue to spin and I was "hm, that is weird. Nvm, lets check woman's part of store!" And I did as I said. Check racks and hangers with all sorts of clothes. Feel okay at pants and jeans, little less okay at tops and shirts, kind of off at skirts and dresses (young girl i passed there looks little suspicious at me) and I just quickly passed by underwear section then proced to store clerk to pay for my stuff. There was woman at the time, feelling nervous I but both bags on counter and wait for my judgement. She chceck both bags, enter codes, told my price, I give her money, she just say "thank you very much and goodbye" and I was out of store. No weird looks, no questions, nobody at store care or not show that they care at least. "That was not so bad" i think for myself whilemy girly side was happy with hers new handbag.
Next day I make even bigger "step" went to another store, thise time more quality, fashion specialized store and with intention to by jeans for Ash. Again fear follow me to the door but again i just say " lets do this" and head in. And guess what, there were like 30 ppl and I was only guy in whole store, oh great. So i slowly make my way to part of store with sign "woman's plus sizes". lurking for while there and again my favorite though kick in (yes again, lets move") and head straight to rack of jeans. I immediately spotted jeans I like. What Ashley was looking for. Gray skinny jeans. quite selection if sizes from 38 to 46 ( 8-16 in us i think). since I dont own any i have no idea of my true girl's size in pants, only know estimated size from "research" on internet. So i picked 46 and head to clerk, didnt dare to try them on. To my "luck" teen girl was behind counter ("great,that is exactly what i need" sarcasm...) so i was nervous. But she was cool, just proced with checkout, don't bat eye or stare or ask questions, didnt look surprised. Her look was more like "you wanna buy girl's jeans? Pff, by all means, just pay for them". Then I was on my way. But story dont ends here! At home, i try them on and they were too big!!not small, big! i was very surprised (well I shouldn't since i have kind of girlish body in some ways). So now question was, what to do? Keep them and not use them? Buy another? Or go back and return? Then again I thought " lets return and pick different size!" so after while i head back to store and ask If i can pick different size, she just say "sure, come back when you get right one". so i head back to rack pick smaller size (this time 40) and now what? Govback and hooe for the best or try them on? After some time (minutes maybe) Ashley won again and I indeed try them on. Very nervous i must say! Find out that size 40 fits but wont allow much room for hip padding. So i change back, put pants back and try again woth size 44. That was score! Fit fine, with pad they ll be awesome. So I took new jeans, went to counter. All okay but since it wasnt buy but return/exchange they required fill some paper about my name, adress and why i request change. Well great, but i full that up, she gave md my new jeams and i head back to my car. On way home I stopped at that vietnamese store again and what I got? An eyeliner, two actualy. And there were a guy at checkout this time, but i dont care. Little bit afraid but head there with look on my face saying "here is MY eyeliner and here are MY money, I dont care if you think I am gay or drag queen" but he again dont bat they eye and actualy nobody at store either. Not even young girls who definetly must spot those pencils in my hands and must recognize them (since one definetly use it like ten minutes before more likely ) So i found out ppl dont realy care much or they dont say anything at least. Hopefuly in few weeks I ll buy someting more "exlusive" like few thing for my makeup bag (need good foundation realy bad), who knows.
Bored of reading? Well that is bad, more stuff comes
During those two says I gaines so much confidence that I plan few outings. First was at friday afternoon, drive to work in "half mode" which was wearing my favorite top (black, lace long sleeve), wig and glasses (nerdy girl ) and I dont have makeup or even clean shave. I did know i cat pass or blend in or whatever. But again i dont care I even belive many ppl (~70%) see girl driving a car not weird guy. whole trip went okay except one moment when I saw police at side of road stopping random cars for check. I was like "don't stop me, don't stop me, don't stop me, please, please". luck was on my side and they didnt stop me
But biggest thing happend next day. Well, night or midnight. Finaly decide I should try go out, like realy go out. Make it "official". I planed everything I could. Three hours before planned trip I start with nice bath and good shave ofcourse. Then work on my makeup for like two hours (4rd or 5th time full make up, so yeah) until i decide its enought (still look horrible inbmy opinion, I may post pics here if someone is interested ). Ashley went for most casual outfit for young girl as possible. Underwear with padding and corset is not needet to mention i guess. So for rest of outfit, I went for simple t-shirt, same simple gray hoodie, my newly bought skinny jeans. Took also my black not so girly high converse (still dont get why are called women's, they looks pretty unisex to me) on top i got that mid lenght wine red coat. looks good with my black wig Girl's jeans have realy no use for pockets my new handbag was put to use then. And I was set. VERY nervous, listening everthing behind door (live in apartment, so many ppl in building) and was surprised when I hear men take his dog out at 0:12 am, like wut? Waited until he is out of building then I wen fast to back entrance (damn you automatic lights on hallways!!) and bam, I was out. Kind of weird actualy. I was hoping that my decent makeup and dark night allow me to hide well enought. I went on my preplaned route and after while I am walking on kind of main street leading away from most of buildings. Then happend something unexpected. Hearing car behind me, I turn around, fine car, whatever, moving on. But car slowdown, almost stop and I see three young guys (about 25). My first though was "Oh crap, what I ll do. Heeelp!" Then one stick his head out of windown and say "Hey beautiful, wanna come with us? I ll buy you a golden ring". Kind of surprised I just smiled in way "good joke, now go away please" and wave my hand to show him they shoukd realy move, luckly on that his friend hit a gas and they took of. My legs shake I can say, was close. Idk if he was drunk or did not read me but hey, i passed. Rest of trip went better. No direct contact, just one delivery guy (wtf he is delivering at midnight I have no idea) on other side of street. When I got back to out house Insit on bench in front of building for while, enjoying feeling. Wind in hair. Admiring nice fitting jeans. After like hour spend outside i finaly sneak back home. With my hearth in my mouth and sooooomany feeling flowing in my had I could finaly go sleep.
Do I ll go out again? Probably, when it ll be? Who knows, still need to deal with possibility meet somebody on way out of building. Where Igot confidence? No idea. How i overcome fears? No idea.
So this is my veeeeeeeeery lenghty story of last week. Sorry for so much reading, I like to write, you cant say?

[Pat]

Congratulations on the new-found confidence. Do be careful walking around at night. It's safer and a lot more fun to be out in the daytime -- it just needs a tiny bit more confidence and it sounds like you're on your way to that.

[Helen_Highwater]

Ashley,

I think a genie is out of it's bottle. Those first small steps can be the most nerve racking.

As Jennie says, going out at night is not without it's perils. It's counter intuitive but being out in daylight in a busy shopping area it's surprising just how little attention folks pay to those around them. In effect you're hiding in the crowd. That's not to say you won't get read, you will but the vast majority of people just don't react, a small number might give you a disapproving look. That goes with the territory.

Like you I started going out in the evening. I can honestly say that I feel much much safer being out, walking around the shops in the middle of the afternoon than being out in the evening with the potential for noisy drunks to cross my path. As for shopping dressed, 99% of SA's are just pleased to chat just as they would with any GG.

Keep us informed as to how things go on.

[Jenny22]

A wonderful hour's worth of reading (lol)!! Look out, world! Here comes Ashley!!

[Lydianne]

Hi, Ashley!

Thank you for your write up . It's great reading about progress! Congratulations on overcoming your shopping concerns and for getting out .

You did something similar to what I did when I bought one of my earliest pairs of shoes in a small, busy shop a loooong time ago when I was 18. What you did was more upfront, though. I picked up a pair of men's shoes and held them as visibly as possible. Hubble could have spotted them from space ( it was also still young back then ). Then I browsed the female shoes while holding the men's and picked up some 3.5" heel strappy sandals, which I truly wanted. Then I put back the men's shoes and voilÃ*! ... nobody cared . If Hubble did get that picture, the operator most likely went: right-click, delete. I bought subsequent shoes outright after that .

Like everyone else, I echo concerns about you going out that late. I'm relieved that nothing became of that encounter in view of some of the male attitudes you described before. Those young men might have been friendly, but one can never foresee.

Apart from that, it's all wonderful! You're going to be on a permanent spending spree from now on . Annual Czech female fashion & make up revenue is going to double, you'll run out of space to store it, you'll have no idea what to wear each day.. .

Regarding posting of pictures, go for it! It allows others to give you feedback safely. You might find out that something you didn't think worked, does work. You'll also get make up ideas if somebody sees something that might suit you.

Congratulations!

[Ashley090]

Thanks for kind words!
You made me a little bit afraid of night walks now I know that sight of lonely girl walking in middle of night isn't exactly safe thing. But still despite wearing bra and corset, I can still punch somebody in face with my men's strengt if needed. Not outnumbered 1-3 tho Also I still do not know how to proceed when I meet some of neighbor inside of building on my way out. Probably be rude a girl and dont say a word to him/her
Next time I may try to move time of going out maybe little bit sooner like 10pm or so. And maybe try go to more populated area and not to "outskirts" as I did
Well Lydia, I must agree. As most of guys I dont exactly like shopping but when I go shop for girl's thing then I am completly opposite! I love to look for new things. Now I get why gg's love to shop so much Ashley's cabinet/stash is already at like 95% of its capacity need to find another place without rasing suspicion at my parents tho.
Also great story Lydia. I shoul go buy some normal shoes too since atm my choice is converse or 6" heels. And those heels are for looks not to walks
But right now is more critical to get better foundation. My cheap ebay one is garbage. Tomorow is olan to visit a drug store and get some and right now I in procrss of preparing my mind to whole thing as buying makeup as guy but again, I am a customer, I can buy whatever I feel like long as I pay for it, right?

Oh btw, going out in daylight is no-go atm since my wig is mess kind of, like bird's nest I ll get new one soon hopefuly

I may post some pics latter when I got home from work, pick some where I dont look absolutly stupid thats it. One of best I used as my avatar anyway..

[Lana Mae]

Ashley, so glad you got out! Isn't shopping wonderful in girl mode? Best wishes moving forward! Hugs Lana Mae

[karrin]

Hi ashley, I'm with you on the jeans. I'm small, so, I would need petite, but thats all I know the waist sizes woul thro' me off, I guess it would be trial and error once I got up enough nerve. be safe... karrin