Telling small children their dad is trans?

[ashleymasters]

I recently settled in my decision to start transitioning. My wife and I have been unsure about our relationship. I told her I want to transition and to my surprise she supports it. We both agree that if I am healthier and happier our relationship should improve and we want to keep the family together. My intention is to go in to therapy and so long as nothing goes wrong with in 6 months to a year start hrt. In the mean time I'll be doing things like letting my hair grow, laser treatment for facial and body hair, voice lessOns and some tattoo removals all while secretly building a wardrobe and improving my female presentation in private. Depending on my job situation and confidence in my own presentation I will likely come out and start full time maybe a year after that. Sometime between starting hrt and going full time I need to start preparing my two young daughters for these changes. Right now they are 7 and 4. I have no idea how to expect them to react. My wife happy for me but very worried about the kids. Honestly I think they will be acceptIng but I worry more about the middle/high school age and being ostracized for having lesbian parents. Either way ths is the most sensitive aspect of the whole process. Any advice and most especially any of your experiences with small children would be greatly appreciated.

[Pat]

If you're planning to wait a year before talking to them, then you'll be dealing with a 5 year-old and an 8 year-old. At 5, all adult behavior is pretty much mysterious and this won't be much more so. The challenge will be the 8 year-old who is old enough to give rational thought. There's also a tendency for the 5 year-old to give more weight to information she gets from her sibling than from her parents. So you need to win over the 8 year-old and at that age they are very experiential, they are going to judge you on actions, not words. So if you're going to tell her you're a woman, you need to be showing some pretty serious womanly behavior -- what that means is up to you. I think the most important thing is that in talking to them, you can't put restrictions on them about telling their friends/teachers/classmates, etc. They need to be free to process this and you need to be strong enough to take the consequences.

There are some precedents of families that stayed together through transition you can look to -- Laura Finney Boylan has a couple of books that might be of interest: Stuck In the Middle With You which details her interactions with her own kids and She's Not There which is a story of her transition that, naturally, is mostly about her, but includes good information about her wife's reaction during the process (especially if you get an edition with the 10-year follow-up afterword.)

Good luck.

[Mirya]

Although I don't have any children, I do have trans friends with kids not much older than yours.

They found it really helpful to make the transition as gradual as possible. There was a very long period of time (many, many months) between telling the kids that they have a trans parent and the first time the kids were comfortable with seeing a photo of the new parent. Even longer before being ok with seeing the new parent in person.

Also, it was really helpful for the kids to see a therapist regularly to help them through the process - not only with accepting their new parent, but also figuring out how to navigate the social jungle of school and how to tell their friends that they have a trans parent. You should expect to arrange for months and even years of therapy for your kids. They are at a very vulnerable age in their development (especially your older daughter), and they really need the guidance from a good therapist.

[MrDrake]

Good morning,
My wife and I have been together for over 29yrs now and our son is 30. I have worked professionally as a co-occuring counselor for the major part of my life. My wife has worked with children all of her life. We have recently retired from our 24/7 childcare facility were we dealt with ages 0-13. Let me tell you we had a waiting list that was over a year to get into our establishment. We dealt with all types of issues.
We personally decided to raise our son with the knowledge from day one. He was not "wondering" what was happening he was always informed.
When a question would arise a direct answer was given to him. We wanted him well informed of the truth not the "Oh My God" responses that he will encounter out in his social network. As an adult himself now he is extremely well rounded. He has even made the same types of decisions we had made with him with his own two children. His wife is also on board with the openness about it all.
Children are quite aware of what is happening in their every day environment. However, do keep in mind that they will face the questions and actions of others around them such as when they are in school. The only "Trick" is to love them and keep them informed so they will be comfortable with your decisions. When they are feeling comfortable within they will be able to concore the challenges that come their way, including all the concerns you may have.
Hope this gives you a bit of hope.
Have a great rest of the day.

[ashleymasters]

Thank you each of you for our thoughtful responsss and they came so quickly too. I agree with what you've all contributed to this discussion. I have been very open with them about the people who are "different". We've discussed same sex couple and step/ half siblings and mixed families. I think those have laid the frame work for very open thinking. Recently we've learned theRe aren't girl colors or boy colors. My older daughter is a tomboy and we've been through the idea that it's ok for girls to play sports or in the mud. I think I've made a point to not enforce strict ideas about gender roles subconsciously knowing I'd have to come out to her eventually. Just braInstorming I thought it would be a good idea to let her see me on Halloween in a fememine costume. I think that along with my hair growth and grooming she'll see me steadily look more and more feminine over time. I thought about choosing a very family friendly documentary about trans people and letting her watch it and ask questions in general before I tell her that I am. Therapy is defInately going to play a big role in all of our lives. Gender therapy for me. Marriage counseling for her and I. Therapy for my wife individually. Each of the kids individually and family counseling. I am actually researching new health insurance plans that will make it easier to afford those costs along with which coverage plans will help the most with medical costs of transitioning and in particular ones that will help with surgeries if any. I'm changing jobs so I get to choose a new plan now anyway and I'm going to shop around instead of just taking the company sponsored program.

[AllieSF]

I think that you will be fine over the long haul. I definitely agree that the sooner the better is truly better for all. If they figure out that you are hiding it from others, then they can be accurate in assuming that you do that because others may not like it and in their little minds that it might be wrong. Also, I recommend getting your mind around coming out to others, or at least not worrying about reactions if you are somehow found out before you want to. You will truly liberate your mind and approach to being yourself the sooner you are out to them and start to not worry about the rest of the world. I send you a big hug and my wish of the best for you and your family.

[ashleymasters]

Thank you for the encouragement I will consider telling them sooner than later. I'm not exactly afraid to come Out or worried about reactions. I'm A very open person about a lot of things in life. I will say there are two reasons that I plan to move forward with a certain level of discretion. One rather not I care about how people feel about things my work is directly related to my relationship with my staff and my clients. I don't believe being trans is anything to be ashamed of or wrong I also have a Number of other ideas and opinions that I do keep to myself for the sake of maintaining professional relationships. I don't really consider that hiding so much as leaving my personal life at home. Granted wearing a suit and tie is not authentic to who I am But wearing a dress and high heels while I'm still in a body that would not complement those clothing items would not do my true self any more justice either. I think it's a fine line between hiding and stalling and orchestrating your own transition to choose exactly how and when to come out. The workplace is probably the last place that I will come out and fully transition in. Secondly I don't feel that this male body is ugly. Honestly I feel pretty lucky for the way I'm built and I look. And I don't want to sound vain because I don't think that physical appearance is everything. I just mean that the way we look does have a bearing on our lives even if only in a small way. Anyway to the point I don't feel that this body is unattractive I don't feel hatred for it. I just want to see something other than what I do when I look in the mirror. The reason I plan to transition very deliberately and methodically is not because what others think of me gives or takes away validity to me but, because I care about what sort of first impression I make on the world. When I start transitioning I'm not starting to be myself. I'm starting to turn into myself. At six months into transition I won't be myself Yet. At one year two years maybe even three or 4 I wont totally be myself yet. I View being trans has a medical condition and if I were going through medical treatments for any other condition I don't imagine those are the moments I would want to broadcast about myself. I'm not ashamed of being Trans. But I also don't feel like showing off until I like what I see if that makes any sense. So in ways I will continue to be discreet for sometime Anyway that's all my rambling. Lol. Thanks again for the comment

[Megan G]

So if you're going to tell her you're a woman, you need to be showing some pretty serious womanly behavior .

No offence but I have to disagree with the above. My wife and I told our 8 yo son that I was trans and was going to begin transitioning and there was no need to show any serious "womanly behaviour"..(what ever that is). Not long after that my nephew and niece were told at 10 & 7...

Just be open and honest with them and don't overly complicate the situation. Keep it simple and allow them to ask any questions that they may have, and be prepared for some doozies... gotta love kids❤ Oh what really helped was normalizing it, use the Caitlyn Jenners, Jenny Boylan's to show there are others just like their daddy..

As for after the fact, take it slow and allow them time to adjust to each small change..

2 years after the fact the family is still together and the only difference between pre transition and FT is instead of having a dad for a hockey coach and a mom in the stands now he has 2 moms in the stands...

Good luck!!!

[Kate T]

You've got a good plan and sounds like you've thought things through ashley. It all should go swimmingly well.

AND THEN THERE IS REAL LIFE!

Plan away kiddo. Everyone does and there is some definite merit in having some distinct ideas on where you are heading etc. But remember also to be adaptable. You may need to choose different pathways to achieve certain goals. And certain goals may not be achievable due to things you find out on your journey.

As to kids. Ours were 14, 8 and 4 when I went full time (a little over 18 months ago now), one in high school, one primary school and one in day care at the time. They already knew about 8 or 9 months before going full time that I was going on HRT to start transition and we talked to them about it before I started HRT. We had been out as a family together many times for a number of years and I would typically wear classically feminine clothing whilst ever at home and we did not have visitors for probably 2 years or so before starting HRT.

The eldest was the most worried however I would caution anyone if they think they are going to be critical of me personally or our family because she will tear them to shreds verbally and psychologically, not rude, just disdainful. The next one just thinks it is cool as I am officially the oddest and coolest dad in her school and its sort of fun just playing with the minds of other young children as she tells them that yes, that lady standing over there is her dad. The youngest just thinks dads can be boys or girls and does it really matter can I go play with lego now.

We never did counselling (I still haven't seen a Psych yet, on my todo list but it is just so tedious and time consuming arranging to get a bloody appointment and then turning up for them to tell me something I already know. Yup, I'm trans*, now seriously can I go home because I've got work to do and a family to look after). BUT you should. There is some tough stuff you will have to deal with even after going full time. Yes you will be seen as a lesbian couple and that can be disconcerting at first, especially if you're wife is straight. One of the most common things my partner still gets from friends is "but you're straight, your not a lesbian". To which she replies "Yep, no interest in women", "But, but, but, how are you still with Kate, I mean she's a woman???", "Yep, and I love her. Got a problem?". Awesome huh. Means I must be pretty damn freaking special cause I give you the tip, she could be with anyone she wanted.

I think the biggest thing it seems to me from seeing couples who have transitioned and are still together is this. The one single and only reason you should be staying together is because you completely, desperately and absolutely love each other. If that is the case then the rest can be worked out. BUT don't stay together "for the kids" or because of money or work or whatever. It must be because you cannot live without the other person in your life and in your heart.

Best wishes and good luck

NB: I've noticed young trans families tend to be more on Facebook. There are quite a few invitation only pages out there including ones for kids though at 8 you're eldest is a little young for Facebook just yet I think. Avoid Twitter like the plague.

[Suzanne F]

I came out to my three children before I came out socially and before HRT. My two daughters were 16 and 21. They don't live with me so I flew to see them and we talked. They have been raised to be open and loving so there was no issue. They have been very supportive. At the time my son was 12 I believe. We waited until one of his sisters would be visiting so he would have a sibling to process with. We sat down as a family and told him what would occur over the next 2 years. We told him that he did not have to see me presenting as a woman until he was ready. The next day he asked to see me. He never blinked! In fact I think it has helped us grow together. He realized that if I was free to be me, so was he! I couldn't be more proud of all of my children. They are accepting, loving and open people. I encourage you to be honest and open with your children and share your experience with them.
Suzanne

[jentay1367]

They have been raised to be open and loving so there was no issue. They have been very supportive.
I couldn't be more proud of all of my children. They are accepting, loving and open people.
Suzanne

I raised my daughter without hate, gender bias, racism or ignorance. She raised her children the same way. My coming out to her and my grandchildren were consequently, easy and pleasurable. That was some very nice karma to have swing back around my way. You really do reap what you sow and what went around, came around.