Finally came clean. Where do I stand?

[NicoleScott]

Some of you need to read the OP again. She did not ask him to stop. She said she doesn't want to know about it, is uncomfortable with it, and prefers him not to do it. There's a big difference. She had the opportunity to say she could not and would not be married to a crossdressing husband, but she didn't. Apparently, she values the marriage, as he does.

It's easy to tell him to stop when you don't have to because you have an accepting wife. Stop, really? You go first. You know you can't.

It's not his fault he likes to crossdress, and it's not her fault it creeps her out.

So, be the man she married, and when you crossdress, keep it out of her life.

To some people, a divorce without secrets is better than a marriage with.
I'm not so sure. But in this case, it's not a secret. She knows, so it's no secret. She doesn't want to know about it.

[Sara Jessica]

I read "I am very uncomfortable with this and prefer for you not to do it" as she wants him to stop. This is because the alternative is to continue doing it and making her uncomfortable which one would think will lead to future issues. And this followed OP's proclamation, "I'll stop if it means losing you".

Sounds like a recipe to stop if you ask me.

[Tiffany in heels]

Thank you Nicole, I know my wife very well and she would have said "I want you to completely stop this" if she wanted that. She hasn't said it creeps her out or is a deal breaker. Honestly I feel we've been closer the last couple of days.

Steph, I get she said she was uncomfortable with it. But are all wives black and white about how they feel about it? Are they all happy right away? Is the chance that I am hoping for complete nonsense in thinking she might be uncomfortable now but after some thinking and a few conversations might sway a bit? It seems you want me to stop and took what she said as a definite no. I guess I don't know the answer either and will wait until we have more conversations. Until then I am here trying to see if everyone thinks I am S out of luck or if I can have some hope.

I don't think I'm fooling myself. Stephanie47 and some others gave some good advice. I won't promise to stop if I ultimately don't want to. I look forward to my next conversation with my wife. I'm hopeful.

[Diane Taylor]

Initial reactions are usually the worst and for the most part are quite predictable. The real test is how things go as time goes on. Though you love your wife would you really totally stop? Continuing may make her miserable and stopping will surely make you miserable.

[Teresa]

Posthumor,
I'm not sure if you should go by feeling closer ,I fell into that trap , when I told my wife it felt like I'd fallen in love with over again . I know it was partly because I felt a millstone had been lifted off my shoulders but she didn't feel the same way but was being sympathetic because she has never seen me cry like that before or since. I'm sorry to say that feeling didn't last long the DADT wall went up not long after.

I'm sorry all this sounds negative I'm speaking more from personal experience , despite this I still enjoy my dressing and I've told my wife this, tyring to do my best when I go out. I did think she might come round and help me out before going out for the first time but she didn't want to know . Now I don't think it's a bad thing because doing it all yourself it gives you an identity and your own style , you have to drum up courage to go out and get sorted for makeup and buy your things . I would hate to lose the interaction with SAs now which probably wouldn't have happened.
Even if you don't get your wife on board you can still enjoy dressing, I believe my wife now has some respect for me knowing I have the courage to go out and do it , she has said as much.

[Judy-Somthing]

As I said I'm in a similar situation after I told the wife the whole story last weekend.
My plan is to do more of the things she been asking me to do for years.

Like helping more with the house chores, getting rid of stuff I've been saving for years (hoarding) and drinking less.

I'm hopping if the things she likes about me out way what she doesn't like things will be better between us.

[sweetdreams]

If you could stop that easily, you are a better man than me (pun intended).

[SuzyZahn]

Lots of great info in the above posts. I guess you`ll have to filter that. You did a good thing i feel in telling her. That said,i did the same, after i knew she absolutly loved me. She was surprised as she said `that such a masculine guy can have those tendencies, well,,,welcome to my world,,,lol!!!! Anyways she was open and understanding and it prob took 2-3 years till she got comfortable seeing me as Susan. Nowadays i`m another GF,,.. Biggest thing I can relate to is ,,take it slow,,,baby steps, always,always re-enforce your LOVE for her,,,,try to include her,do things for HER when fem, show there`s plus sides. Another thing I told my wife was that my dressing wasn`t anything about her,,,i did it before I knew her and if she wanted it,Ill be doing this after i knew her.!

[Jenny22]

[QUOTE If she asked me to stop cold and never do it again then I would.

Wanna bet??? Cold turkey?? Oh, but with the exception of panties?? Ain't gonna happen, Magee! Even thinking of going out?? Have you heard of the Pink Fog? That will forever cloud your mind, and one day ..... I really do hope you can work things out with your wife. NO promises, though!!! You never be able to keep them.

[marilyn m]

oh very difficult, i would keep youre fem side completely seperate, i have been through the bargening and asking permission, for being yourself and being sensitive to her needs
if shes not completely onboard its an uphill frustrating struggle, if i marry for a third time i would never tell her, get yourself a lock up, beware the pink mist can easily get out of control,

[Tiffany in heels]

I don't understand this pink fog or pink mist you are referring to. Can you explain?

[LaurenDeHart]

It's those times when all you can think about is dressing. It has a tendency to "fog" your thoughts from anything else. It's "pink fog" because pink is associated with femininity. That's my interpretation anyway. Help me out here ladies.

Lauren

[Suzie Petersen]

PostHumor (Btw, I wish you would have picked a better forum name)

Hopefully you will be the exception here, but many here recognize your situation and can tell you that it has a lot of potential for ending badly. Thats why you get these responses of "Be careful", "Move slowly" etc etc.

One of the things that strike me as concerning in your story, is that you in your first post about this told us you had told your wife this:

... You know everything now. I have never met with anyone or every wanted to meet anyone else.

But then, as others have also pointed out, later that same day, you ask us this:

One question for you girls... how do you get permission to go out?

Now, dont get me wrong, I completely understand the desire to "go out", many of us here can tell you about how satisfying and fullfilling it is to be out in the 3D world, interacting with others and allowing yourself to develop a personality for your femm side.
But ... you just told your wife you had no interest in meeting others, and then you ask us how to go about doing exactly that. Do you see how that is a little problematic? Apparently your wife does Not know everything! If you at some point do go out, she will remember that statement!

So again, I want to warn you about making promises that are difficult to keep because they will undoubtedly come back to haunt you later!

Sharing some experience: if there was one thing I would want to go back and change in my CD life, it would be to not make promises like that to my wife. I have never actually intended to lie to her, and at the time when I said whatever it was I absolutely 100% believed I would keep such promises, but looking back I now realize that I just didnt understand what all this really meant to me! For instance, I said at one time that I would stop this when we had children! I honestly believed I would, but guess what ... I didnt, and another "guess what" .. my wife remembered that "promise" very vividly and said to me during an argument .. "But you promised"!

- Suzie

[kimdl93]

You have received a lot of advice here and pretty good advice. I can only share the observation that coming out isn't a single event, it's a process, and where you stand today will be different from tomorrow, next week or next year. And you cannot control or manipulate where you stand with your wife. You will have to check that constantly, and if you sense trouble, dig deeper. Do not allow a silent assumption of acceptance to lull you into complacency. Be vigilant about understanding her feelings and meeting her needs.

[ginapoodle]

I think the advice above is spot on. Be patient, and be persistent and keep talking. Use your intuition, and pick good times for discussion. In my case our relationship was overwhelmed by other family events that happened after my reveal. So, we lost momentum. I supposed I could reopen pandora's box, but so far my courage is lacking and concern about collateral damage high. At some point, perhaps I will feel the time is right. Good luck, and be kind to yourself.

[Tiffany in heels]

Well thank you all for the advice. I won't make promises that I can't keep or that I might regret late reading on. One thing is clear since I came clean is that our relationship has been very good lately. I won't take it as everything is ok but I'm enjoying time with my wife. I tried to open the conversation and we talked a little but not much.

I wore panties to bed. I know she saw me wearing them, she felt them in me next to her and didn't mention it.

I left dresses and panties in a bag in our living room for her to find. I saw that it was clearly looked through and moved but no mention of it at all from her.

I think I did those things to try and open up a deeper conversation but as many of you have said, I think it's best not to force anything. Things have been good between us. She clearly knows and maybe is just not ready to talk about it.

Susie: the part where I said I have never met anyone was part of a verbal conversation where she thought I might have been cheating her her when she found some heels. She believed me when I said they were mine as they were size 12 lol. Also my question of going out with permission was simply a question for you ladies.

One thing I want to make clear is that I don't have a desire to go out with my wife. I don't think I would enjoy her spending time with me while dressed. It's more of a ME thing that I would prefer to do without her. I enjoy the way it feels and the rush of going out in public and walking in my high heels.

For now I'll keep dressing when she's not around. If she doesn't want to see it that's perfectly fine with me. She's seen some of my clothes, my heels, and pictures of me dressed. There are no secrets anymore. If she wants to talk about it I'll tell her everything she wants to know.

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Oh and is there a way I can change my username? I didn't really think it through and used what I alway use

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Oh and is there a way I can change my username? I didn't really think it through and used what I alway use

[Becky Blue]

Posthomur, I am not going to comment on the situation with your SO, but one thing I can tell you is in all likelihood the way you feel today with regards to your female side/dressing etc. will probably change over time. It is more common than not for feelings to intensify or in some cases dissipate. So any promises you make with the best of intentions may well be impossible to keep one day.

[Lorileah]

Post your request for name change in the forum issues, help section

[sometimes_miss]

A useful model might be the grieving process. There are seven stages (this is a web site with more information http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-...-of-grief.html, there are other websites). Your wife is likely in stage 1:

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5. The upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance and Hope

Don't forget, however, that ^this is just a possible guide. Not everyone goes through all those stages, and I've seen arguments arise from one person insisting that another MUST be feeling something that they don't.

It's those times when all you can think about is dressing. It has a tendency to "fog" your thoughts from anything else. It's "pink fog" because pink is associated with femininity.

I define the pink fog differently; to me, it's a mindset where we begin to think that our crossdressing is normal, and that others think it's normal, too. For me it's brought on by staying dressed as a girl for extended periods of time, and indulging in female specific activities for most of that time. I start to lose the 'guy' feelings that I associate with pasttimes spent with other men, such as motorcycling/automobile repairs or just hanging out with them, sports, and the like. One day after a week indoors due to a blizzard, and having spent it all en femme, reading several young adult books written for girls, and a few 'lifetime channel' type movies, I almost forgot and walked outside decked out in my cheerleader uniform. It all felt so 'normal' to me.
That's the pink fog at work. So is going on Amazon (or promgirl.com) and browsing for hours for new girl clothes to buy.

[Ally 2112]

In the end time will tell be honest always about how you feel