Finally came clean. Where do I stand?

[Tiffany in heels]

Hello ladies, so I finally came clean to my wife about cross dressing. She was definitely upset and bothered by it. She didn't scream or cry. We didn't talk as much as we should have. The conversation will likely come up again soon as it's still fresh and I'm sure she has a lot of questions. I think that she actually felt relived that all the things that she's been finding are due to me dressing and not cheating with someone else.

The conversation didn't go very far as she wasn't too shocked but probably didn't want to hear the answers to the questions she probably wanted to ask. I felt like so much was not said and wanted to tell her more but I could tell she did not want to talk about it. The next day it moved to texting.

This is exactly what I wrote "I'm sorry I lied about everything. You know everything now. I have never met with anyone or every wanted to meet anyone else. My life is you but yes I do enjoy dressing up. I'm sorry that I do and I'll stop if it means losing you. I'm sorry about everything. If you don't want to ever talk about it or know about it I understand. I don't want to lose you".

Her reply "I don't really want to know about it. I am very uncomfortable with this and prefer for you not to do it."

I left it at that for now but what would you girls make of it. That day I came home from work, we went out to dinner and everything seemed as normal.

[2BArianwen]

Do you feel better for being open an honest with her? If it was such a shock, then she's probably going to need a lot of time to process what you shared. It sounds as if dinner was something of a denial mindset, but at some point, for both your sakes, you need to talk more to figure out what resolution looks like. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this place.

Rian

[sweetdreams]

Move slowly. Keep assuring her of your love for her. Try to takes cues from her. There's no rush. It will take her some time to process what you've told her.

Be secure in who you are and try to be clear on what this means to you (for yourself as well, not just your wife). Do you have an idea of what you want this to end up like? Do you want to transition, dress up 24/7, occasionally, what do you want to wear and when? You will have a difficult time explaining this to your wife if you don't understand it.

Be flexible. Don't make promises you can't keep. Keep communications going but slowly.

I wouldn't have apologized, this is a part of you. It's not wrong. The two of you need to work out how to deal with this. Baby steps. It's going to be a challenging time for both of you. You are on a journey together. This is only the beginning.

A useful model might be the grieving process. There are seven stages (this is a web site with more information http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-...-of-grief.html, there are other websites). Your wife is likely in stage 1:

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5. The upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance and Hope

Some resources that might be helpful:

• This forum. There are various sections. One on Tips for an SOs Acceptance. There is a section devoted to spouses of crossdressers.
• There are a number of books available. One I liked was My Husband Wears My Clothes by Peggy Rudd. Peggy describes the process she went through when she found out her husband was a crossdresser.

Best wishes for both of you.

[Suzie Petersen]

Seems pretty simple really!

You told your wife you like dressing up. I dont know why you told her, but you did. You didnt tell her all of it because you could tell she was uncomfortable. Then you texted her that you lied and are sorry about everything and that you will stop doing it if she wants you to.
She replied that she would like you to stop!

So ... what was your question again??

- Suzie

[Tiffany in heels]

Well I know my wife really well. I honestly think that if she wanted me to completely stop outright she would have said exactly that. Instead she said she would "prefer if I didn't". I don't want to manipulate words but I am pretty hopeful that she would be ok with it. She would have said "I want you to stop and never do it again" and then make me promise that I never would. Which she might still do.

[Suzie Petersen]

Of course you know your wife best. Sorry, I didn't mean to be too smuck about it, but the first rule of negotiating what you want, is to not give the other side an easy way to win the negotiation. For instance, you saying "If you dont want me to do it, I wont"! Now all she has to do is say "Thank you!" and you are done!

I think one of the things that makes this so difficult, is that many of us actually feel deep down inside that this desire to dress up as women is wrong or weird or something! So the first thing we do when confronted, is to apologize and say that we will stop doing it and never think of it again. Since most women also think it is wrong or weird or both, obviously they will agree, take the apology and accept the offer of us stopping the behavior. And that's the best case outcome! If thats not what you want, then dont offer it as the easy way out for her.

I think that if you are able to just stop this, then based on your wife's reaction as you described it, you would be a lot better off if you did just that, stop it.
But if you are like most others here, it is not that easy to just stop. In that case, I think you should try again and approach your wife from more of a "I dont know why I like this, but it is very important to me" angle. Then work on finding a compromise where you have a way to do your dressing as you need, and you at the same time keep your wife happy, safe and ensured of your love for her.

- Suzie

[docrobbysherry]

I like Suzie's advice. It doesn't sound like u plan to quit, as u promised. That leaves u in the position of starting all over again. This time, don't promise that. Or, anything else u won't/can't do.

I suggest something along the lines of DADT, "If I do this in private without u seeing or knowing would that work?"

Or, u can go back to SNL. Sneak, Hide, and Lie- ing again.

[Tiffany in heels]

Thank you Susie, I think you are absolutely right. I don't want to stop. I think I could if it meant losing my wife but I reallly don't want to. I will let her know how much I want to continue. I hope I can end up with some kind of permission even if it's dadt.

One question for you girls... how do you get permission to go out? I wouldn't want to meet any guys. I'm not into guys at all but I would like to go out. I can't imagine getting permission to go out to a club or event.

[Jolyn]

my wife passed 14 months ago ,I miss her very much ,she passed before I could tell her .and I'm sure she may have reacted the same way ,so I share sympathy ,what I'v learned about myself blows me away .
since I'v finely come to grips with my gender ,I realize now that I'm about 60% female and 40% male ,two personalities ,a male side that is still struggling with shame and guilt ,but getting much better ,and a female side screaming
to come out ,I'm realizing we're born this way ,we had no control over how much % god was going to give us .choice we had none. we are the third spirit ,we're gifted with both .
I wish I could of explained this to my wife ,I'm sure she would of bin in somewhat of a coma ,but would have come to grips with it in time ,I love women's clothing and so did she ,but to each his own ,
who knows ! you might start something the two of you could really enjoy together ,you just might just have a blast ,a hole new romance ,if she loves you it will work out ,I'm putting out all good vibes for you ,and hope the two of a
wonderful life with lots and ;lots of happy times

hugs

[Elizabeth G]

Please be careful what you promise. My wife and I are currently working our way through this process very slowly right now. I didn't tell her, she found out accidentally. One thing she said recently was that she hasn't heard me say that if it came down to crossdressing or marriage that I would quit crossdressing. I explained to her that I thought it would be dishonest of me to tell her I would quit if I'm not 100% certain I can. Sure I could promise it but what happens when the urges become overwhelming? Do I start lying and hiding? Do I resist and become miserable?

Try to keep talking. Given enough time without discussion, her imagination can run to all kinds of places, and not necessarily good ones.

I know what you are going through and I wish you luck.

[NicoleScott]

"I don't really want to know about it".

There it is, your guidelines. So don't let her see your clothes, photos, e-mails, etc. And don't talk about it.
Permission to go out? Forget it.
Now it's DADT. You came clean, and now she knows. I wouldn't assume you'll ever get her acceptance through baby steps.

"I don't really want to know about it".
So don't let her know about it.

[Sara Jessica]

"...I am very uncomfortable with this and prefer for you not to do it."

Why did you tell her this if you had zero intention of following through? You have clearly set yourself up for the opposite of what you were looking for in disclosure.

And really, do you think the next step is getting her blessing to take this out on the road?

[deebra]

Good advice Suzie and all the others too. Once again that big unanswered question, why are some women fine with men wearing women's clothes and others are like posthumor's wife. All of us we grew up with clothing designers tell us what to wear and like mindless dummies we did exactly like we were told. To all non cross dressers out there, it's just clothes, shouldn't you be able to pick and wear what you like without your wife, society or designers telling you wearing clothes sold in the women's department is wrong for you. Maybe crossdressers are the smart ones and the rest are just plain dumb.

[Tiffany in heels]

If my wife tells me bluntly I want you to stop and never do it again, I think I could with the exception of some panties and I would tell her that. I do feel hopeful that she will come around to letting me dress when she's not home or even have some clothes in my closet. I'd be happy with that. At the moment I feel she's in a place when she just doesn't want to know about it or see it. I'm still ok with that as long as she knows it's there and it's not going to lead to a divorce.

I'm not asking you girls how can I ask her to go out. I know that answer is no. My wife would consider it as trying to go out to meet someone. My question is for you ladies. How do your wives allow you to go out to clubs or events without her?

[Stephanie47]

If your wife tells you to stop expressing yourself do not make any promises or commitments you truly know you cannot fulfill. What will happen if you backslide? Will your demeanor change for the worse because you will resent your wife for putting you through mental anguish? Your wife is never going to see you in the same way as before she knew you like to wear women's clothing and appear as a women. She may never be able to comprehend why you do what you do. That'll make two of you. You may end up in a DADT marriage with either stated or implied rules which should not be changed without the concurrence of both spouses.

As to asking for permission to go out en femme. There are many many reason which have been expressed on the site why wives do not want their husbands out of the house en femme. If she grows accustom to your dressing and sees it as you expressing yourself, and, nothing more, maybe joining a support group would be acceptable. Many have function where wives attend. Maybe she'll realize she is not alone.

[Joni T]

Hypothetical situation here. She asks you to stop and not do it again. You promise to stop. She's going to wonder if you really are. Why shouldn't she doubt your word? You've basically been lying all along by not telling her about it in the first place years ago. She's probably going to wonder what else you're hiding from her, and rightfully so. It has to do with a little thing called TRUST. If trust is lost, it takes one helluva L-O-N-G time to regain it. I'm just sayin'......
Jon

[Jolene Robertson]

Before I went out to meet up with other sisters my wife and I went and met up with a friend from this site (in drag) and we discussed a lot of things. It was my first time actually meeting another CD in person, after that the wife was fine with it. I have gone out quite a few times to meet up with others and it has always been fun. Sometimes I invite the wife along (as long as I check with the others first) so far she has declined going along. But she does go out shopping and doing things with me dressed.

Hugs
Jolene

[Judy-Somthing]

I'm in a similar situation right now. https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...ed!&highlight=

Today I thought things were going pretty well until today she called me and said "from now on call me by my first name, not a nick name"

Good luck

[Steph65]

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I think you are absolutely right. I don't want to stop. I think I could if it meant losing my wife but I reallly don't want to. I will let her know how much I want to continue. I hope I can end up with some kind of permission even if it's dadt.

Seriously? you would take it to the point of coming close to losing your wife? That comment right there ? seriously? I think you have to be true to yourself and to your wife who has done how much for you and with you?

Putting more stress on a relationship that would or could collapse is not a chance worth taking. So you get caught again what then? do you think she would trust you? Sorry and then I am not sorry but you need to smarten up and not play around. This is some ones feelings and emotions your playing with. How would you like it if the shoes were on the other feet?

Ask yourself this do you trust anyone that has lied to you a few times? and to those who say go back to hiding it your only making it worse now!! with his wife knowing she is going to be on the look out and paying more close attention. Shame on those who said go back hiding.

I really hope some day you do not get hurt like your wife has been. You need to make a decision and be good enough to do whats right.

[Micki_Finn]

To me that is an unspoken ultimatum. If you were to dress again or if she found out about it even though she specifically told you she preferred you didn't, it's very likely to come to a bad end. I'd put the dressing oh hold until it can be discussed further.

[Tiffany in heels]

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Seriously? you would take it to the point of coming close to losing your wife? That comment right there ? seriously? I think you have to be true to yourself and to your wife who has done how much for you and with you?

Putting more stress on a relationship that would or could collapse is not a chance worth taking. So you get caught again what then? do you think she would trust you? Sorry and then I am not sorry but you need to smarten up and not play around. This is some ones feelings and emotions your playing with. How would you like it if the shoes were on the other feet?

Ask yourself this do you trust anyone that has lied to you a few times? and to those who say go back to hiding it your only making it worse now!! with his wife knowing she is going to be on the look out and paying more close attention. Shame on those who said go back hiding.

I really hope some day you do not get hurt like your wife has been. You need to make a decision and be good enough to do whats right.

I wouldn't take it to the point of losing her. That's why I came clean. That's why I say that if she asked me to stop I would. I'm not trying to jeopardize our marriage. If she asked me to stop cold and never do it again then I would. I would at least try to negotiate some panty wearing but I would be ok with having a loving wife for the rest of my life in exchange for dressing up.

I'm hopeful she will be ok with me dressing up as long as she doesn't see it pr hear about it. We'll see I guess but mocking you're right, I'll hold off on any dressing until we can discuss further

[Steph65]

what part of no do you not understand? if she says stop she is telling you NO!! even if she say I would like you to stop she is saying I am giving you the benifet of the doubt. If you do not stop your pantie ass is going to be out on the street!!! put your feet in her place. this is not about negotiations this is about trust. T..ry it again see what happens U.. better not!! S...exy or not I said No!!! Tooddle looo!!! Thats what trust stands for.

Trust stands for fix this or else!!! nuff said by me. I am going to unruffle my panties now.

[docrobbysherry]

----------------------------------------------
I'm hopeful she will be ok with me dressing up as long as she doesn't see it pr hear about it. We'll see I guess but mocking you're right, I'll hold off on any dressing until we can discuss further

This is the most sensible thing you've posted so far, PH. Our advice on how to cheat or negotiate with someone we know little or nothing about won't help u.

U 2 need to work out a compromise that works for u both. Altho, from your posts, I'm NOT sure you'll live up to whatever deal u agree to!

[Teresa]

Posthumor,
To deal with your question first on going out . I had to resort to gender counselling to get some answers, in the process I wrote all my Cding history down and worked out a gender sheet to get some idea where I thought I was on it, I also wrote a unbiased summary of where I am now and what the future might bring. This was to help my counsellor but after she checked it through said it explained my situation well enough to show it to my wife. She didn't read it all only the summary sheet, I asked her straight as she knew where I was, if the gap was too wide between her acceptance level and my needs we might consider a separation . We came close but settled on a compromise, we both felt too many people were going to be hurt . All I asked for was a Sunday as my day, but that has almost been taken away but been replaced by going out socially once a month. That has changed her thinking a great deal, most of her fears have gone, she still chooses not to see me but all the family know I go out dressed and are OK with it. I'm sorry it reached that point but it had to get to it before the sensible talking started . she realised what she was going to lose , at the moment it's working OK.

As for coming out , I can understand the need , I just couldn't live in the closet anymore, I called it solitary confinement, I wanted to share it with her but it just didn't happen. I still feel you need to do it, it's the only way you can get you mind round it. The shame and guilt has to go, most of us are born like it , we shouldn't be made to feel like it's a criminal act. The hiding behind curtains and listening for car doors is mentally destructive, we shouldn't have to apologise for something we can't change, and importantly we should never promise we can stop, that is going to do no good to either person in a relationship. I can't see wearing panties under drab clothes is any sort of compromise ,if you can go that far she'll expect that to stop . You do really need to be honest with yourself before making promises you can't keep, that's why I wrote my history down , I know the way my CDing started and the way it's affected me it will never go away, if you have GD like me you just can't brush it under the carpet, I nearly ended my life through trying it, does you wife want to risk that if she truly loves you ?

OK you want full acceptance and want to be totally honest, I'm sorry it's not going to happen. I've just learned to work round the problem, OK I accept it's a double life, my wife asked me once do I enjoy living it, so she knows what I'm going through . She knows I shop and she knows where my things are, I know she struggles with it and occasionally puts in some low body punches which really hurt, no it's not ideal but I accept now what I have is probably as good as it gets . If they say they can't live with it they mean it , you're not going to change that no more than you are going to change .

[Angie G]

Wish I could help. But when I came out to my wife she was geat about it. My dad dressed a bit and she knew this so she wasn't very surprised.
Angie