Then vs. Now

[deebra]

As I was vacuuming the floor an old newspaper advise column story popped in my head, it was written twenty or twenty five years ago and I thought it might be a good topic for discussion, then vs. now. Strange what your mind does when vacuuming. Here's the story.

A fourteen year old boy began wearing his older sisters bra's and panties and she was just fine with this, she even helped him with putting on and adjusting the bra. She said she had no problem with little brother wearing her undies and told him he could go in her lingerie drawer anytime. When the mother who was a psychologist found out about this she said she saw nothing wrong with this and told her daughter she would take him to the store and buy him his own bra's and panties so he wouldn't be wearing hers. When the father found out about this he freaked and said this was wrong and we should stop it. The boy also told his sister he would like her to start calling him Karen. The advise columnist didn't say him wearing girl undies was wrong but said when the boy wanted to be called Karen that put it in a whole new category. Fast forward to today, if this was your family what would you say if you were the father, mother, sister or boy?

[gerri ray]

Our son has some feminine qualities. Not over the top, but more like me when it comes to certain things. As the father, I am fine with it. He is his own person, and is discovering who he is. Am I to halt that? No! I am to nurture him and watch him grow.

[Stephanie47]

I think I would suggest counseling with a certified gender therapist. I have a friend whose grandson has been going through this turmoil in high school. The grandson needed and the family members needed guidance in the grandson's journey.

[NicoleScott]

As a boy I was caught playing with mom's lipstick. My dad held me down and smeared it all over my mouth while verbally humiliating me. I was expected to cry so I did, not hurt physically but embarrassed. I was never asked why, but it didn't matter - it was just wrong, and I needed to learn my lesson - boys don't do that. The only lesson I learned was don't get caught again, and I didn't. But that was long ago, and times were different.
I think it's good to allow kids to explore what most would call crossing gender lines, but the kid may not see it that way. But it's not enough to just allow. To fully support, we should know, or try to ascertain, what is driving the behavior, and this requires honest dialog based on mutual trust. My dad slammed the door on such dialog. My son never showed anything other than "all boy", but I have thought about it a lot, hoping to be prepared if ever needed. As a crossdreser myself, how could I not?
A final point. I don't think a parent should buy, for example, panties, or a skirt or shoes, if a child expresses an interest in them. Rather, go shopping together, allowing him to pick out what he likes. He will be happier and you will learn more.

[Leslie Langford]

This story has a familiar ring to it, and I believe I also read it way back when...likely either in one of Ann Lander's newspaper columns or that of her twin sister (yes, really!), "Dear Abby" (van Buren). Both ladies are now deceased.

Abby always seemed to be sympathetic to the crossdressers who wrote in and gave them helpful, non-judgemental advice. My recollection of Ann was that she was mocking and dismissive of them early on in her career back in the 1960's (e.g. "Just hit 'em with your purse, dearie!" to crossdressers lamenting their non-acceptance). She did eventually educate herself properly on this topic, however, followed by her offering her apologies to the crossdressing community as a whole for her past ignorance and the poor advice she that had given earlier on.

Of course, back then, the term "transgender" was virtually unknown...we were all "transvestites" or "transsexuals", and by default, perverts and societal outcasts in the eyes of the rest of the world.

[Jean 103]

I have had 3 different parents come up to me and tell me of their sons. One is a friend of mine. I tell them all to, just love and support them.They come up and talk to me because I am transgender and they feel that I'm someone they can talk to. I just listen and don't give them any advice. And yes I know that it's important to try to figure this out before they hit puberty.

[Stephanie_V]

My son, who is 17 now, came out as bisexual a few years ago. He has also been caught by him mother 'borrowing' her clothes. Due to various reasons I wont get into, I currently do not have contact with him. His mother has confided in me about it when he started expressing the thoughts of being transgender. His mother knew I CDed (I had told her well before we were married but never really dressed in front of her) so her and I talked about it. Her sister's husband is also a CDer so she has that as a resource. She did the right thing and found a few therapist who specialized in gender issues and allowed my son to chose the one he felt most comfortable with. So at least with my kid, there are no judgments and he has a wonderful support network for whatever decision he decides to make.

Like father like son I suppose

[deebra]

Leslie I see where you read the same article twenty five years ago and I thought I was the oldest person on earth, now I know there are two of us.

[Teresa]

Deebra,
I recall a similar thread a while a go, I can't remember my answer then but I guess it depends on each individual's circumstances.
Maybe the sister should have told him not to wear her things out of respect for her clothes , so the question is did she lead him on too much at a vulnerable age ?
OK maybe only natural the father saw it differently, especially if he was the only son to carry on the family name, I would think a father's expectation are higher than the mother's , to grow up and be a man, some of that is also a reflection on him as a father , what will other people think ?

It's still a difficult question to answer from a CDers point of view, how much do you let it take it's course and how much support or discouragement to you give ?

Living in the closet for years is not a good thing but can you stand by and watch his friends give him a hard time ? At some point he will have to stand on his own two feet and learn to live with his situation.

[Ashley090]

Its realy hard to say since as cd I have completly different point of view then rest of ppl to gender related things. If I am parent and my son wanna wear girly things and behavi as one, then sure why not. There are not rules or law that forbide it. Only issue that comes from it is actualy behavior and reaction of ppl around. He ll probably insulted by other boys and probably by lot of girls too. It would be good to talk to him and set some "border" of how much girly he can be in terms to be kind of safe from not understanding society.
I think this topic wasn't so much discused "back then"

[sometimes_miss]

Fast forward to today, if this was your family what would you say if you were the father, mother, sister or boy?

Unfortunately, you're preaching to the choir here. So you're not going to get the answer that the average family would give.

[Beverley Sims]

Back then a hidden, shameful and taboo subject.

Now? It's all in the open and there is much more tolerance and understanding.

[Sharon B.]

I remember getting caught stealing my sister's nylons fifty plus years ago, my father told me girls wear those and boys wear socks. I also got caught wearing my sister's long leg panty girdle and my mother told me she would buy me one and it never happened. As another one said you made sure not to get caught again.

[Kathyhall]

If I had a son,
I would be there for him in any way I could.