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Thread: What should I do?

  1. #1
    You always have to fight
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    What should I do?

    Hello everyone, Im new at this forum and my english is not the best so please forgive my mistakes. However I would like to ask for an advice. I am a transsexual and I do want to change my gender.So I talked about it with my mother and I think she hates me now. She did pretend she understands for a while but soon came out how she really feels. I am a dissapointment to her, a failure. However this how I feel and who I am. I want her to understand it and love me the way I am. I am kinda afraid of the operation and having her support would be nice too. But I really dont know what to say it or how should I talk to her about it. How to make her understand me. I would really like some tips.

    I also have one question. Im still going to school and I look like a normal girl. Except the thing I dont use make up and etc, and I have a long hair because everyone expect a girl would have long hair. But simply that is not me. I really dont like the way I am now. I want short hair, another clothes and I really want to finally stop pretending that I am a girl. But since I am at school Im really afraid what would anyone thought of me. If I simply cut my hair and start dressing more boyish. Well I dont think they would took it nicely.I really do wanna look like myself but Im not sure if it is worth it. Maybe I should simply wait until I end with the school but that are another 3 years. What should I do?

  2. #2
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    So, that's a hard one for me to answer, but I'll give it a shot. I don't have much experience with trans-masculinity, but some things I'm sure carry over. If you're planning to do it at all, I don't recommend waiting. I have a lot of regret that I waited until I was in my early 30s to start, and I'm sure many of the people here would tell you the same but from an even older perspective. I'm still early transition medically myself, and I maintain a kind of double identity which is very uncomfortable, but helps me maintain a distance between professional and personal for the time being, maybe something similar would help you on a temporary basis?

    As for your mother, I don't know what to tell you. Not everyone's going to be happy. All you can do is keep trying.

  3. #3
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    Nefer Well I am planning the operation as soon as I can. Right now I am focusing on collecting informations. Yea double identity is really good idea. Only problem is that I live in very small town where almost everyone knows my face. But I think its worth to give it a shot. I was actualy considering something like that earlier, but the problem is my hair. I cant just cut them now and find a good wig which I can afford is actually pretty hard. I already have one but it is not very quality. Well I keep trying to find one.

    Well I didnt expect everyone to be happy, I know they will be shocked at least. I expected shock from my mother yes, but really not this.

    Thanks for your advice.

  4. #4
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    Hello Seish and welcome.
    I am a post op FtM myself. So here it goes...
    Unfortunately mothers are not always welcoming to our transitioning. Me personally my mother said she was "fine" with it at the very first time of telling her I was going to have surgeries to change my physical appearances regarding all of my sexual organs. She went with my wife and I to my mastectomy and I thought things were going well between us. I noticed as time progressed and my other surgeries got more aggressive in nature she began to make statements like, "i am fine with you and your wanting to change things but it is your father..." However, I never received nothing but support from my dad. He did not change his manners towards me at all. He has always treated me as his son and that is the way it has remaned to this very day. Her statements left me quite confused many times because what she was saying and what she was doing was two different things sometimes. She once told me that she was talking to another mother with a daughter that was "cross?" and that mother told her that she needed to love and support her children for "who and what they are" because they are still your child. My mother later told me that she needed to accept the "death" of her daughter in order to "gain a son". let me inform you that I have never in my life dressed or acted as female! My siblings (4) have all always treated me as a brother. Amazing that children know what is happening! Adults appears to second guess what society has placed in their heads instead of going with the flow of nature. Any how... sometimes mothers do not understand and never will. This may be what you need to prepare yourself for. Remember it is you who are changing the dynamics of the playing field a bit by coming forth with what has always been there for you but not for the others to view in real existence.
    Regarding your question...It is ALWAYS up to YOU in what you do in life. I will not lie and say things will be smooth and easy but you can CHOOSE to be a SURVIVOR and make choices for yourself and stick with them or take the slow death (as I call it) and stay hidden with who you are inside. You also have to take notice of your safety!!! Will your peers seek out to harm you? This is reality and a must to keep in mind. I myself come from a small "redneck" town were people would have brutally killed me if I made to many changes to myself without being able to protect myself. Luckily I have always had masculine features and not a whole lot of changes needed to take place for me, as far as appearance and fitting into society as a 'male'. My suggestion would be cut your hair into a style that both men and woman were. Maybe go a bit more rugged in the clothing but remain neutral in appearance. In other words make shuttle changes over time verses changing everything overnight. I say this only for 'safety' reasons because who knows how your peers in society will take your physical changes. It would be an entire different story if you were to change your school and surroundings because then you could make all your physical changes that are relevant now and just start that school as a 'male' in appearance.
    Once again it is all up to you...I really hope that your mother comes around in her acceptance for you. I understand the pain you may be feeling and I wish I could tell you it won't hurt. Keep strength in yourself and focus on you and your well being.
    Hope this gives you some insight...I'm with you and support you for who ever or what ever you want to be in life!!! Go get em!!!

  5. #5
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    Hi MrDrake, thank you so much for your support. I am sorry for your experience however my mother isnt any better. She keeps saying things like "Hey you re gonna stay like girl alright?" or "You know I ve always wanted to have a daughter." And "Why do you wanna change? Im happy that you are a girl". Just like it is up to her. I actually think she doesnt want to understand it or accept it, its too embarrassing for her. She believes very much in God. And she stands for theory " God makes no mistakes, so if you were born as a girl then you are a girl." But what am I then to her? A mistake that has her precious God made? Im not really into these things and I think its only good for me. The worst thing she said to me was after I won a certain competition. I came to her to tell her. Day before I had very serious conversation with her about my change and she said she understands and will support me. But when I came to her and said "Hey wanna hear some good news?" I wanted to tell her about the competition. And she said "You re going to stay like girl?" I think you can imagine how hard it hitted me. I saw how much is she hoping for it in her eyes. I could almost hear her thinking " Oh my god she is normal!" I told her no and she didnt even try to hide her dissapoitment. I stopped to talk with her about personal topics then. But I still want her to accept it. But even now she dodges this theme or simply laugh and dont take me serious when Im trying to talk about it. As for my father. My parents are divorced and Im pretty sure he would kill me right at the place if I told him. My brother is an idiot who keeps laughing at me and insulting me. I didnt get very open minded family.

    However I have two awesome friends who understands me and keep supporting me. Which is pretty nice and cool. Funny is my brother told about me his friend, propably hoping they will laugh at me together and his friend actually supported me. I do know that its always up to me and I can choose, however I dont wanna rush anything. Also I really dont have the money to buy all things I need for complete change of my looks.Your advices are very usefull. I ll definetly do that hairstyle. Actually I never wore female clothes much either. I mean I wear clothes for females but only sweatshirts, jeans and T shirts which looks neutral. I am pretty tiny but for some reason people are afraid of me or at least have some respect and trying to not make me angry. So attack shoudnt be a problem.

    Again thanks so much for your support, I really appreciate it

    P.S I hope I didnt forget anything because my internet crashed and I had to wrote this message all over again. In case I did and remember it ,I ll write another message

  6. #6
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    Expandable Knowledge

    You can check out this site, susans.org if you choose. There is a lot more activity for individuals going through similar situations like you are describing.
    Last edited by Nigella; 03-28-2017 at 02:06 PM. Reason: We do not allow links to sites that set conditions for access

  7. #7
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    MrDrake I found this site before. After browsing it I found its for family members of transsexuals not transsexuals themselves. :/

  8. #8
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    Seish, I don't know what you browsed on that site that led you to believe it's only for family members. Susan's is probably one of the longest standing communities for transgender people on the internet. Many of the folks here (including me) are also very active on their boards too. I encourage you to take another look and check it out.

  9. #9
    Member Periwinkle's Avatar
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    I'm afraid I have no idea how to help you with your home situation. Me and my friends have been fairly easily accepted by our families. (With the exception of my fiance, but that's a problem we have yet to solve.)

    There are some things you could do to improve your life at school. You may not be able to make them fully see you as a guy, but you could definitely make your time at school just a little better.

    Firstly, there's binding. It seemed like you didn't really talk about it, or maybe I just missed it by mistake. But I really reeeeeally hope that if you are binding, you're using a safe method. If you can't get your hands on a legit chest binder, dance tops work wonders. And they're comfortable too, so if you're taking PE classes, you'll still be able to run without feeling like you're gonna pass out afterwards.

    Feeling self-assured is another big step. Feeling confident in who you are, even if others don't acknowledge it, can be a big help. When you're confident in your own identity, it'll make it so that being misgendered stings a little less. Sometimes it helps to know that, at the very least, you know exactly who you are.

    It also doesn't hurt to do some things that make it very obvious that you're heading in a more masculine direction. A friend of mine took up soccer and insisted on singing in the tenor section in the school's choir. Because of this, when he came out, no one was surprised. No one who had been paying attention, anyway. Of course, if you're just not interested in any of those things, that's alright too. There's plenty of feminine guys out there. But no matter what you do, do it with confidence. Being yourself, regardless of what gender norms you happen to fit into is the most important thing.

  10. #10
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    AllyssaJ Upsies, I mistook it with different site which goes by very similar name.

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    Periwinkle Accepted fairly easily? Damn Im jelaous of you ;P

    Actually there is one problem with school. I would love to look more like me but, we have a girl in class who looks just like boy. I am her only friend which is telling something. And well, other people arent exactly friendly to her. If I started to look similar like her when Im her only friend.. I dont think it would be a good choice. I hear jokes about her like every day and classmates are pretty mean to her. I dont think she is a transsexual but still, after seeing this Im kinda afraid of changing my looks. Also Im a coward in those things.

    Yea we do have PE lessons but luckily I dont have a big chest so all I need is looser sweatshirt and T shirt but I want to try binding anyway. So thanks for the tips.

    You think not playing footbal makes me a feminine dude? Well I should rush at you on my motorbike then Also I was never really feminine, when I told my friends how I am, they werent too surprised. Damn even my grandmother is suspecting something...

    Anyway I actually prefer words over actions when it comes to this. I really have no problem to tell anyone the truth. The only thing Im afraid of is school. If it wasnt for the school I would already make my change. Well Im not going to make an excuses for myself here, so thanks for your advices I really appreciate them. Have a nice day

  11. #11
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    I agree with AlyssaJ. Susan's site has quite a selection of people that use it including FtM pre & post op. However, another rock in life was turned over and time to just keep moving forward. I suggest looking at it again and clicking around. All sites are different & can be a bit confusing at first the way things may be set up through out the site.

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    Mothers can be apsentminded at times... Sometimes mothers Do NOT know best. Here is the thing...your mother has more than likely been aware of your inside and outside identity your entire life. However, it may be easier for her to remane in her own denial and her own wishes than to accept the truth and reality for who you truly are inside and out. Just because she is happy you are a 'girl' does not mean that you are. You have made it sound to me like she wants what she wants and is not accepting of your wishes and needs.

    As far as the "GOD" thing goes...I have always said to myself that I was given one of the biggest challenges in life to overcome. It will always be a work in progress for me because there will always be others in the world that do not understand and may not ever want to. This I accept and live life the way I want & need to. One of the most difficult things to do is 'ACCEPT' others for who they are and what they choose to think. Changes need to happen by each individual person. Like the saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink.". If your mother does not choose to drink (accept) the water you are serving then just leave it on the table and in hopes as you keep leaving a fresh glass for her maybe some day she will get thirsty enough to see you in the light you portray not in the one she is shining upon you.

    Sports and extra activities...that is a shame your mother did not choose to listen to your exciting news about your award accomplishments I too have experienced similar situations. I am a percussionist and must be a very good one because I have won to many first place awards through out my life to count. My bedroom growing up was so packed of awards I had to store boxes of them in my walk in closet because there was just no room for them to be displayed in my bedroom. Could not put any around the rest of the house because those areas were all taken up with my other siblings achievement awards. I look at it this way...If my mother wanted to choose to look at second and third place awards instead of all my first place ones than so be it. I keep my head high and my self esteem was gradified because I knew I was better at things than my siblings.

    As far as having an open minded family...you make statements that yours insults you. Don't get me wrong about mine being 'open minded'. I think mine stayed in the closet. They pretended with words to accept me but their actions did not match the words they were saying.

    I will say what does work is when every individual chooses to utilize ACCEPTANCE. Keep plugging in there and be who you feel you want & need to be.
    Last edited by Nigella; 03-29-2017 at 10:55 AM. Reason: You have already been advised not to discuss moderation on the open forum.

  12. #12
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    MrDrake Well if she knew the whole time then she is pretty mean person. But it is possible she did, after all I was raised like "pretend you are everything everyone expect you to be".If it comes to accepting someones needs and wishes the only ones she accepts is her own or the ones she likes. Nothing else. So that means she kinda ruined my life by forcing me to pretend so very long and I dont even count all physical and mental problems it gave me. Actually I think that she thinks she is supperior in every way and thus know everything better then everyone and is always right.Which is kind of a problem.

    About that God thing.Yes, I agree it is a challenge. For me it is work in progress as long as my change is not complete.When it comes to people, well they can think whatever they want. As long as I dont hold them dear I dont care if they are mature enough to accept it or not. It is their minus if they dont. When it comes to acceptance I always accept everyone. Literally, the only thing which matter to me is behavior. Sadly I didnt meet many people who understood my attitude.

    Which leads to someones mother being happy about her child succeses. Honestly I dont really get it. Shouldnt she be happy that her child,no matter its gender won something? Isnt it nice that her child found the reason of her/his problems? And now can be happy, even tho if different gender. How can she be happy if she keep forcing you to be someone you are not? Does she love you or the one she wants you to be? She say she loves you, she is happy about your succeses as long as you dont tell her who you really are. And thus she stops because you didnt fill her expectations? Isnt that just selfish? Stupid, primitive? Well I understand the basics why is she behaving like this. But if she cant overcome it and look at what is best for me and not for her then she is just a primitive and illiberalite human. I think if I am happy with who I am she could be happy with it too. Because isnt it what mothers want for their kids? To be happy? But its not that easy when it dont fits her standarts hm? I hate this attitude.

    Well I would welcome if my family stayed in a closet. Yours at least pretend they accepted you in order not hurt you. Mine didnt bother with even that.

    Dont worry I ll keep plugging. Also thanks for you advices, to be honest I know all of this already but still thanks. This Forum isnt for my personal problems yet you helped me anyway. Im really gratefull for it.

  13. #13
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    Seish, no worries. You are welcome. Talking about any thing in general is what these sites should be all about. Mental and physical challenges go hand in hand. Kind of difficult to have one without the other. Some people have more turmoil in certain areas than others might. What affects one person may or may not affect another in the same depth. This is what makes us all human and individual. Take what you need at every moment of the day and leave the rest. You sound like a very strong person. Keep moving forward and you should be able to work through things. If you stumble and fall, we all do, get back up dust yourself off and keep walking

    As far as any GRS make sure you look into all the doctors well and information and knowledge will be your savior. There are quite a few choices to be made with the physical transitioning. I can't say enough to anyone I talk to make certain to do lots of research.

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