Hello everybody
So my decision to transition is pretty recent. While I enjoy the community feeling I have here I think sometimes I forget how very different if it all transgendered people are. I read a lot of stories and watch a lot of video blogs and I think what I have come across the most are trans women Who never really fit in the male role and took to being themselves very easily and very quickly. I don't exactly fit there. I have spent so much of my life fitting into the role that I was told to us a young child and expected to ever since then. The same way a young boy learns to be a man Young girls need to learn to be women. It goes so much further than doing your make up (which I'm very good at lol) end it certainly has start in the mind before the body. I am beginning to notice and become much more aware of how masculine my body is but all of my mannerisms, my posture and the way I speak. It's even made me calling to question how convincing I have been going out in public crossdressed. Now passing is not everything. But before I begin altering my body I need to make sure that my mind is adequately prepared to accept physical changes. So I have made an effort to try expressing a feminine mindset while at home while cross-dressing alone and with my wife. I'm sure it just takes time and practice but it still feels very forced and unnatural. I've noticed the only time that it seems to flow organically is when I lay in bed both just before falling asleep and right when I wake up. The feeling of stretching and curling back up under the sheets laying there with my eyes closed And the way I envision myself seems the most clear in these moments. I don't feel tense or the need to exert control on the world around me and there is no reflex or guardedness preventing me from just enjoying that feeling. I've also struggled practicing my voice. I naturally have a low voice. I'm told sometimes that I sound like Jack Nicholson which is kind of cool but that leaves me a very long way to go to developing a female speaking voice. I think physically I understand how to work at it. I just keep feeling this knee-jerk reaction of repression and avoidance. I still think I am distinctly afraid to make myself vulnerable. Of course counseling is going to be greatest key to curing this, but at the moment I can't afford to be getting that and my health coverage doesn't begin for another 90 days so I would appreciate any of your shared experiences