In a mess and could do with some advice

[silkycdresser]

Hi, I joined this forum a couple years ago but don't post very often. I'm so miserable at the moment, to put it mildly, and could really do with some advice.

For me, dressing up is more than a hobby.

I've come to terms with being born in the wrong body and most likely being a lesbian, so crossdressing is a weak compromise.

A few years ago, I built up confidence to drive while fully dressed with forms and wig but no makeup

I then built the confidence to walk in my nearby city fully dressed, this time with makeup

Since then, several friends and family have died, I've been diagnosed with a lifelong condition, we relocated to another part of the UK for my wife's work, and several other major things have happened

This has zapped my confidence and I've not even driven partly-dressed for a year+

Each day when I wake up, I yearn to dress, like a part of me that's missing, but never do it

I felt comfortable being near the city where I could blend in

Now, I live in a tiny village with vigilant neighbors

Everywhere I go, even including a mall 25 miles away, I keep encountering people I know

I also 'sink' inside at the effort it takes to apply makeup so carefully, etc, etc, to simply be the real me, but knowing that many in society hate CDs and ridicule us

There's no way I can openly CD at work or the supermarket. Opportunities at home are limited as we've always got tradespeople coming round to do work on the house. Most of my female clothes are still in storage.

Whenever I plan to dress up and be myself, something always happens to get in the way, so I then pour a glass of wine to numb my sadness, which I know isn't good.

[Melanie Sykes]

You are not alone. For many of us it's just not possible to dress openly much at all, and you have to get creative. Certainly you need to really get away to be free and not feel as though you have to look over your shoulder every minute; 25 miles isn't far. I find myself in a similar predicament, meeting people I know for miles around. I try, once a year, to get away on my own to a hotel at least 100 miles away from where I live. I usually stay around 3 nights, as my wife has to keep working and do all the running around with the kids while I'm away so I couldn't possibly stay longer than that because it would be unfair to her.

I spent quite a lot of time researching the hotels and areas beforehand and planning what I'm going to do during my stay. The anticipation of that little treat really keeps me going for months in advance, and once you're there, there's opportunity in the hotel to get comfortable with make up and sorting out your look before you head out. And you have plenty of time to correct makeup if you mess up. You mention sinking inside at the effort it takes to apply makeup: it does take practice and, of course, money. I started out buying a few shades of foundation from Superdrug online, and sets of brushes from Amazon. When I found a shade that suited me, I built the rest of my collection from there - between Amazon and Superdrug, it didn't cost a fortune. There are lots of really helpful YouTube videos now on transgender makeup tips: just don't expect to be an expert overnight. But time alone away from home can allow you to really try things out without the worry of a builder turning up unannounced.

There's no getting away from the fact that some people don't like CDs. However, my experience of going out in the UK is generally positive. Certainly staff in shops tend to behave professionally and most people either pretend not to notice, or are so comically indiscreet at trying to get their friends' attention without you noticing that you end up more amused than offended. I've been out many times in broad daylight and never once been openly mocked, although I've had a few people burst out laughing and I've assumed it's been about me, but I might have been wrong. No-one has ever actually verbally or physically abused me though. Don't let your fear of the unknown prevent you from living your life. Every single time you overcome your fear, the next time it is easier. Choose somewhere in the UK where you don't know anyone, and where your work has no connections that you know of. Try to choose somewhere with parks, museums and things to do: I find that National Trust sites are great as they are usually enormous and in term time you are free to wander around stately homes and gardens pretty much alone. The theatre is a good experience too, as people have paid for their tickets and want to get their value from the performance rather than spending time concerned with the CD in the next row. And you have a good excuse to dress up more smartly than usual! I think being all dressed up with nowhere to go is a bit of a waste and I find it frustrating, so use the time when you'd be numbing your sadness with wine to plan and refine your itinerary instead!

If you can't openly CD, you could at least under dress. When I can't openly dress, I especially like wearing opaque or semi-opaque knee-highs - I used to do that at work too when I travelled around clients' offices. You can get some really pretty patterned pop socks and no-one has ever mentioned to me or my wife/colleagues about my socks, even though I feel that they are mildly overt as they are visible whenever you sit down. And you won't have tradespeople coming around for ever - at some point the work will be more or less finished and the house will be quiet again. Delivery people can be a pain. Sometimes I order things to be delivered to somewhere I can pick them up (Amazon Locker, Collect+), or nominate a "safe place" to leave parcels so I won't be disturbed. I live in a village too. Luckily my back garden is quite private so I can sometimes escape out there if the neighbours are out. Hedges and trees are a good way to defend against unseen eyes behind twitchy curtains! Don't despair. There is always a way. You will find yours in time.

[Teresa]

Silky,
At the moment I would try and forget where you are with your CDing and just find some time to just enjoy the destressing and comfort it brings . I live in a small village but close enough to meet others socially , you don't have to attend these meetings dressed, and most offer changing facilities anyway.

Your profile doesn't give much away, but if it's easier to PM me I might be able to help depending where you live , I've only been going out for just over a year but it has made a big difference.

Just to back up Melanie's comment, people don't hate CDers, most of that come from thoughts in our heads, because we still feel guilty about our dressing.

I had a great Sunday morning in Boots a while ago , had my skin colour checked and was shown how to apply foundation and powder.

[Stephanie47]

Most of us seem limit ourselves to a 'comfort zone' of activity. I do not venture out en femme because (1) I am not in the least passable, and, (2) to invite ridicule would defeat my purpose of being en femme. I wear women's clothing for the stress relief. Some people use alcohol or legal/illegal drugs to escape the stresses of daily life. I use women's clothing. Do I have a female counterpart to my male self? My therapist who I see for reasons other than sexuality believes each person has some dna component of the opposite sex within them. In some it is more than others, and, hence the different manners to express oneself.

My suggest is to take the opportunity to express yourself in comfortable surrounding. I would not worry about the makeup issue. Most women do not wear full makeup unless they are going to a social event. Maybe a little lip gloss. Personally, I just stay away from mirrors or at least only view myself from afar in the full length mirror. Works well for me.

[ClosetED]

A hotel for even 2 days, maybe at off peak location and days, would be inexpensive and let you have your fill in private. Even if you don't get a place too far away and then can't risk going out of the room, you can still enjoy the time to dress.
Hugs, Ellen

[Helen_Highwater]

Silky,

You didn't say whether or not your wife knows about your dressing and if yes is she supportive?

Some years ago I found myself in the position of knowing I had to give myself some extended dressing time. My solution was to book for a week an isolated holiday cottage that gave me the freedom to come and go as I pleased. Okay expensive in the main holiday periods but out of the main seasons there's lower prices to be found.

Living enfemme24 hours a day is certainly one, fulfilling, two tiring. However it's something I've repeated every year since and plan to do so again this year. Perhaps the greatest thing to come out of this was the opportunities to meet other CD'ers. Where ever you go there's likely to be a CD support group that you can meet up with. I gained so much from meeting others. It took my dressing to a new level giving me the confidence to step out into the muggle world and do many things.

I hope you find a solution to your dilemma.