Crisis with wife

[cpt2669]

Since the wife found my collection of cloths it has been a roller coaster of emotions. She talked about divorce but has says she loves me and will not leave. She says she understands that crossdressing is a part of me and is trying to accept it. She hadoesn't lots of questions and I answered the best I could and truthfully. She has 3 conditions, 1 no dressing when kids are home, 2 stay away from Windows, and 3 do not buy in stores where she goes to shop. From all that has happened in learned that what made her more mad was the lying. So everyone who gives the advice to tell the truth it is the number one advice to take. We still have a lot to work on but things are looking better.

Thanks for listening and words of incurragement.
Christina T.

[Lana Mae]

Christina, good luck and best wishes moving forward! Hugs Lana Mae

[ClosetED]

Good luck - I have been there. But my wife considers having a secret life she is not part of part of the "lying", yet she also refused to be part of it. She did not want to see the purchases arrive in the mail, she did not want to see the clothes, did not want to see me with makeup. She was asking for Sneak, Hide, Lie aka DADT, and that is asking for me to be dishonest and have a secret life. So there is no way to win. So you might want to get clarity on those sort of issues first, so there is no finger pointing later.
Even with her recent acceptance, she wants me to move all the stuff to an apartment and only dress there and do whatever I want and go out as Ellen from there. But yet she did not want me to have a secret life and "it was not about the crossdressing".
Just like we may not know exactly what we want, your wife likely does not know either.
Hugs, Ellen

[NancySue]

With all things considered, I think her "conditions" are very reasonable. She appears to basically accept your dressing. Further honest discussions should be beneficial, but move slowly. You have a lot of ground to make up. Your crisis is another example of the consequences of secrecy. This is the very reason I took the giant leap of faith and told my wife...before we married. She respected my courage and honesty. I wish you the best as you move forward.

[Danielle t]

Well the cats out of the bag now lol there is one thing that bugs me is that they say were lying to them when most of us lie to everyone we know and to ourselves they act like most of us are proud to have to keep it from them i'm pretty sure that they have things that they had not told us so is that the same as they're lying to us also ?

[kimdl93]

A little advice and an observation: if this is all a fairly recent development, do not assume anything. Your wife is very likely still processing the new reality. She may not involve you in her deliberations, and these may go on for months, even years. Try to have input into her processing by offering to talk, particularly about her feelings and the fears underlying them.

[Angie G]

I hope things go really good for you keep things low and slow Christina. thing just may get better.
Angie

[Teresa]

Christina,
This has come up before , how honest could you or should you be ?

It's not black and white , if your wife/partner chooses not to talk about it and they don't want to listen or see you then you can't be honest with them .

It has put me into a situation of living a double life, and it is ironic that my wife on one occasion asked me if I enjoyed living a double life without me prompting her , so she knows her own actions have brought about this situation.

Before you ask I'm not totally happy about the situation, I would love to be open and honest and share this part of my life with her but it looks like it will never happen.

I do hope it goes well for you , the lesson to learn is don't try and rush things otherwise you will be making more steps back than forward and that can can be so frustrating.

[Tracii G]

Kim is right don't assume anything.
Remember you are a male you think and process things differently.

[Gabriella111]

Maybe it comes down to trust. She may be upset that you didn't trust her to know. Hopefully after time she'll understand the fear and other emotions related to being a CD and not be so hurt about you not telling her. So sorry you're having to go through this. I hope it goes well as she processes this new information.

[Stephanie47]

Christina, good luck to you. I think the boundaries set by your wife are reasonable. If you want to expand those boundaries, please consult your wife first. Also remember everyone has the right to change his or her mind about anything and everything. Many times a wife's words at a "reveal" appear to be hurtful. She may not say it with intent to be hurtful, but, the words are perceived to be hurtful by the husband.

My wife said some things which she later recanted when she started thinking about the entire issue. Not must "What will the neighbors think?" "Is he gay?" All those questions it seems all women have popped into their minds. It's somewhat ironic because those are the same questions I think any cross dressing man has explored by himself.

I do not want to start a conversation about the "sin of omission" or "lying" about cross dressing. My wife said those words like "divorce" or "If I had known I would not have married you." I think it takes some time for a wife to figure out her cross dressing man does not lose those attributes which attracted her to him because he likes to wear a dress sometimes. Go slow and do not overwhelm her with anything she is not comfortable with.

[IleneD]

Christina;

My prayers go before you, dear. Peace.
I hear you loud and clear, and your's is a familiar refrain.
I 'came out' to my wife of 40 yrs last summer. It wasn't an intentional outing. I was found in panties; and we had The Talk.
The highest hill to climb, as you stated, was the factor of Lying and Hiding the behavior (or who I really was deep inside). The fact I'd always been brutally honest with my wife and we had a great honest relationship of trust for a long time was what saved me. But it still remains a reminder that I did and hid something completely out of character for a long time. [Though the fact I enjoy women's clothing itself was no great surprise to her. She knows me at least that well.]

Coming Out changes your relationship. There's no getting around it. I'm trying to make it positive change. Thankfully we have an existing strong foundation, and my own DADT situation is acceptable, growing and changing in a positive way all the time. Little steps. Respect for each other. Enjoy what you can but enjoy what you've always enjoyed before "coming out", and that is each other.
Thanks for reinforcing the most obvious: BE HONEST, especially with the most important people close to you.

[Alice B]

The truth will akways win

[Leslie Langford]

Christina, despite having experienced a rocky start to your "reveal", it sounds as if you and your wife are on the road towards working out a reasonable level of acceptance (accommodation?) of your crossdressing, even if it will likely be DADT, SHL, or the like.

You have at least learned one critical lesson very early on into this process, which is that the lying, obfuscation, and the associated lack of trust that is engendered once "busted" for pursuing a clandestine activity - be it crossdressing or anything else that might be troubling to her - is usually far harder for a wife or an SO to accept than the nefarious deed itself. This is a basic Relationship 101 lesson that has become something of a mantra around here, and yet there are still many CDers out there who still don't "get" this fundamental truism and look for all kinds of other, more trivial reasons to try to explain (and diffuse) their partners' hostility towards this curious proclivity of ours.

Now then, as for the "stay away from Windows" part that your wife is insisting upon as part of her conditions for accepting your crossdressing...if it is Windows 10 that she is referring to, I totally agree. This current iteration of Windows that Microsoft has recently foisted upon all of us totally sucks!

[Salina]

Hi Christina, I can't really add anything to all the good advice and suggestions you're getting here. I hope things turn out positive for both of you.

[Suzie Petersen]

Christina,
I completely agree with what Kim said. It would be very normal if your wife change her mind about this as she works her way through the thoughts.
You can expect some level of "Moving Goalpost" syndrom.
You have spent a long time trying to come to terms with this, she has just started.

- Suzie

[Judy-Somthing]

Well so far you got it better than me.
Everyone said be honest so three weeks ago I told her the whole story after she found some evidence.
She only found heels so I could have lied and said thats all I had.

I figured if I tell her every thing then I would have nothing to hide.
I think one of the things she hated the most was I was dressing up for about the 1st five years of our marriage.

She gave me the silent treatment for 12 days. Now we're talking but with constant digs.
She expects me to totally stop playing around with woman's clothing.

I have to keep her mind off cross-dressing, may be I can distract her with the notion of wire-tapping.

Can I stop dressing? How am I suppose to know?

[Rhonda Jean]

OK. I'm in a mood. I think this whole "It's not the crossdressing. It's the lying!" thing is overplayed. I was honest. Probably only because I was too young and naïve to even think there was anything to lie about, but I was honest. All that lasted for 30+ years. It wasn't the lying. It was the crossdressing!

And how about turning this honesty thing around. Only when she's on her way out the door do I hear, "You're a woman! You've always been a woman and you cannot change! I'm not a lesbian, and I can't stand being with a woman!" How about all those times she rolled my hair, helped with makeup, bought me clothes of all kinds, for every occasion and even for no occasion. How about all those times she told me how good I looked and all those times she encouraged me to go away for a girl weekend, or OK'd women's clothes, underdressing, hairstyles for every day? How about all those times when she said people shouldn't judge me for how I wore my hair or the clothes I wore. How about those times when she said she loved the way I'm not like other men. I could go on. You get the point. Lying to save my feelings? No doubt. Lying because she loved me? No doubt. Lying not realizing the lie was unsustainable? Absolutely. I actually get it, and I know she was doing it because she loved me. How can I fault her for that?

You, and many more of our sisters, lie out of love. Out of fear, too, but out of love. Your fear may have been justified.

[RADER]

My wife was OK with my dressing, but with similar restrictions.
Big one was never go out side dressed and embarrass her.
We where together 19 years be fore she passed on.
I miss her.
Rader

[Paige Dehart]

Christina, There is some very sound advice in the replies you have received so far. It may take a while for her to forgive you for lying as well as for her to totally understand and integrate all you have told her. I am not surprised that you say "it has been a roller coaster of emotions" this seems to be very normal for a GG/SO to experience, especially if she had no clue prior to finding your collection. She will probably have some good days, and some very bad days as well, while working through her feelings. Hopefully she will be like the other SOs and GGs on this forum and become a supportive and involved participant in this part of your life. In the mean time be patient and loving. Continue to answer her questions openly and honestly, even if the answer is, I really don't know.
To me her conditions are not unreasonable and at this stage seem very fair. Best wishes, Paige

[Maria 60]

It always good when they say they will try to work it out. If the relationship is strong you will always find a happy medium that you both can live with. She must understand how hard it is to tell something like this, it's a crapshoot, it can go good or bad. Most don't want to even try to roll the dice. keep us updated.

[Becky Blue]

Good luck on your journey, no one but you knows the dynamic of your relationship with your wife, here's hoping that the two of you can find a happy place with your CDing.

[Shayna]

As many have and will say, take it slow. Good on your wife for thinking of things like where you buy your clothes. That was an issue a few months after my wife found out.

[Petra-CD]

It's really hard for our SOs to get used to our real selves when we've been having trouble getting used to ourselves. My wife doesn't mind it, is not aroused by me en femme, doesn't want to go out while I'm en femme and doesn't really care about my purchases or makeup skills even though I clearly love them. It's just rough. She's known for over a decade now and we're still together. I crave to have someone to share my obsessions with.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Your wife strikes me as being a positive person. She's dealt with the shock and is doing her best to deal with the sense of betrayal she understandably feels. She's clearly stated her short term needs, which are basically reasonable.

I think you should feel encouraged: I think she is going to relax about it over time. Meanwhile, be patient, do not test her limits, and be the best most loving father and husband that you can be.

You're going to be ok.