Being Safe

[LaurenDeHart]

I have seen a few posts from those that go out-and-about en femme that mention "being safe". I understand the common sense points regarding being safe when meeting someone for the first time one-on-one. I understand the risks that may come from those unfriendly to our lifestyle. What I'd like to hear more about are the not so obvious things we might do to "be safe" in general and what that means to you. I guess to some this might appear to be a blockhead type of request but keep in mind please that I am preparing for my first great adventure "in the wild" so-to-speak. I would like to be as well-informed as possible and benefit from your experience.

Real life stories are encouraged. Good or bad, I will treasure them because you shared and because I will learn.

Help a girl out please.

Thanks!

Lauren

[ronda]

being safe is being aware of what is going on around you and when dressed try to think like a woman don't walk in dark areas alone don't respond to wolf calls be aware of groups of teens always have a plan for protecting yourself when leaving a club or bar always have your car keys in hand so you are not searching for them in your purse for starters

[kimdl93]

One on one means different things to different people and situations. Many of us have known each other for a long time now. I would have no hesitation to meet any of our long term members for social purposes.

Now if it's a new person, or someone you met through some other venue, and particularly is there are any sexual undertones ....those need to be vetted very carefully. And still always in a public place.

For nighttime activities, get To know the venue and neighborhood. An LGBT club in one area may be safer than another.

I would in particular avoid areas where sex workers or drug dealers are present. The incidence of assault and worse are clearly much greater in these areas.

[Tina_gm]

Well, I'm not the expert on this, but from many conversations with gg's they have had to learn to take many precautions. Not being alone, especially at night in a club. Carrying some method of defense with them. Certain areas which are generally not safe period.

For those who don't pass as well, additional precautions could be necessary. Where I live has some areas which is truly unsafe for someone who is obviously TG. Anyone within the LGBT umbrella. So I'd be mindful of venturing just anywhere. There's a ton of heartfelt positive experiences on here, but there are members who have been harassed and attacked as well. Also the murder rate of TG people because of their being TG is on the rise as well.

Basically I would suggest using the same precautions as gg's do with added precautions of being in an area that is at least somewhat Trans accepting

[Tracii G]

Some assume less people means safer but that is not true.
If you go out in the day time make sure you go to a busy place.99% of the people won't pay attention to you and if that 1% gets unruly everyone will be witness to anything that happens and that is good for you.
A city park at midnight to stroll around is very unsafe not only from perverts but police that might mistake you for a hooker.
Dress like all the women that are around where you plan to go and try to blend in with them.
Carry some form of self protection device in case you need it.

[CourtneyJamieson]

I am no expert on being smart about these things but these are two things I always do. If I meet someone I always drive my own vehicle. I never let someone else take the wheel and drive me somewhere. If I meet someone I always say I will just "follow" them to wherever. That way I can always "bug-out" if things don't seem right. Secondly, if a late-night hotel rendevous may be in the cards I always have my own hotel room reserved under my name. That way you are in control and there is a documented paper trail of your whereabouts. No big deals but makes me feel safe. And all the usual. Keep your wits about you. Know what is happening behind you and beside you. Don't go to areas known for being unfriendly to LGBTs. I have been out quite a bit. Never had an issue where I felt uncomfortable.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I've met several people on this forum before meeting them FtF.

My safety rules:

1. Make sure they are someone you believe you can trust meeting FtF
2. Make sure that you have clear communications about the intent of the meeting, e.g., no sexual relations
3. Meet in a public space
4. If they intend to be in male mode, you should also be in male mode
5. Drive your own car to the meetup

Once I violated rule 5. But, I knew a girl who knew the girl I was meeting and made sure the meeting would be safe. I met her at the hotel where I was staying, but in the lobby, and I didn't give her my room number.

Other than that, think like a girl.

1. Go out to your car with a friend.
2. When out alone, act like you know where you're going,
3. Own the street. This advice from my wife when we parked in a sketchy area and had to walk to a restaurant when we were out of town.

If something doesn't seem right, listen to your inner voice.

[Tracii G]

Steffi makes some great points as does Courtney.
Be aware of your surroundings and if things don't feel right trust your gut feelings and remove yourself from the situation.

[Diane Taylor]

There's a lot of things one can do to increase their safety factor but one of my ways is to stay away from seedy places and stick to places where there are a lot of other people.

[Becky Blue]

Men generally go where they like how they like. If you are going out dressed you need to be more careful than a GG who of course does not go where she likes how she likes without a lot more cation.

Ironically you are safer in bigger crowds around more people and remember that sticks and stones....

That being said I have been out over 25 times in the USA and Australia and have never had the slightest issue. I am careful and don't take chances.

[LaurenDeHart]

Thank you all.

I think one theme I'm seeing is that my mindset is wrong. I have to think as a woman would regarding personal safety and risk exposure. Duly noted and I'm going to chat-up the SO about it. It's something we've never discussed but should talk about regardless of what mode I'm in. Even though I think I have a fairly good "radar" about these things there may come a time when avoiding trouble would be difficult. Sometimes trouble just finds you.

I am fortunate to be in an area where the LGBT community is openly accessible and I hope to meet others via that community. Other than that I have my SO to spend time with and frankly speaking I feel sorry for the person that threatens her (and me by extension).

Thank you and hugs to everyone.

Lauren

[Danitgirl1]

Hi
One thing to remember is that apart from being treated as a woman may be treated, in the negative sense, ie cat calls, sexual harassment and possible assault (women are often seen as soft targets by muggers etc), you need to be aware that your ability to react is different. High heels mean you cannot run as fast as you can in male mode. Long nails mean you cannot fight back as well (try makinga fist with them on, not ideal). Carrying valuables in a handbag (purse) makes you an easy snatch and grab target... It us easier to grab the handbag and run, than grab a wallet out of a guys pants... Long hair will affect your visibility.
Walking in heels on sidewalks (even good ones) is harder and makes you easier to target etc etc
So yes change the way you think TOTALLY.
Going to an overtly LGBT friendly place is always first prize. But don't forget the 'T'. Not ALL gay clubs may be T friendly. So do some research.
If you are going vanilla, go somewhere with good security... Casinos are often good places. Lots of cameras and guards so you will be safe.
Don't be afraid of being recognised... I have walked past work colleagues at a mall en femme with ZERO recognition from them. My daughter has seen pictures of me en femme with ZERO recognition. So being on a CCTV camera is far less risky than being the victim of some random street crime in a less than ideal neighbourhood...
Definitely don't walk alone at dark.

[Steph65]

Being safe is easy think guy mode and what a guy would possibly do. Meeting some one new is quite simple. Don't do what guys want you to do but do what you would do as a guy. You know it is not safe to be in a quiet area when meeting. At a bar take your drink with you or like some bar tenders will look after your drink for you. Think what some guy would possibly do and try not to put yourself in that situation.

First and foremost. Listen to your gut instincts!! if something says this does not feel right it is more than likely true. Listen to it. When in doubt DON'T!!!! it is not worth it. If you have to carry something for self defense. Go with a friend.

I have been talking to this other person for a long time on line e mails ect ect. They are getting very persistent in coming to my house!!!! I say Honey I would love to meet you let go meet in the mall or coffee shop or at the park where there are always lots of people!!! They are very reluctant in saying they do not want to be seen in public!!! Like really? B.S. I say it is just 2 people meeting and thats it!!! Ya I know the underlying issue but to bring some one into my castle m sanctuary my domain they have to pass the security test. Hense the reason to think like the guy who could be up to no good.

The other safe guard is always wash your hands and use a rubber!!

[LaurenDeHart]

Thanks Dani. I just finished reading your GETTING OUT AND ABOUT: TOP TIPS blog. Good stuff. You're a great writer. Bookmarked.

Lauren

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Good advice on the instincts Steph. I always trust mine.

I think you should take your own advice on that that person.

Thanks

Lauren

[Teresa]

Lauren,
If you're meeting one to one do it in drab first, I did this but it still went well, I did a guided tour of my town and went for coffee. We eventually met dressed at our social group , it has worked out well.
I guess the most unsafe part now is driving the thirty miles dressed to the venue, I may not do something stupid but we can never rule out other drivers , or a breakdown or maybe being pulled over by the police , being dressed does make you more cautious . Check the car over don't speed and don't drink .

[Tracii G]

Teresa is right on all counts.
Meeting first in guy mode is what I have done with 5 or 6 people I have met here and everyone has been fabulous to hang out with.

[Stephanie47]

I tried reading all the responses, but, I may have missed one or two comments. If you're going to drive I recommend making sure your car is in working order. Know how to change a spare tire and make sure the lugnuts are not so tight you cannot get them off. This is always a common complaint I hear from men and women.

When I am en femme and driving I make it a point I will blow a big fat zero on the breathalyzer. The last thing any man in a dress wants to experience is a ride to the local booking cell. There are plenty of non-alcohol beverages to drink.

Just because you're a male does not mean you cannot be raped. One of my friends was given a "date rape drug" and he was anally raped in a place and manner nobody would have expected, let alone going en femme to a bar/club/tavern.

Just keep the mind set that you may be a defenseless woman because you really are when someone wants to do you harm.

I've read postings by women who attend functions in the D.C. area. You may want to contact them for dates and times of their meets.

[Helen_Highwater]

There is a great deal of sound advice above. I would add that common sense is perhaps your greatest friend. If it feels wrong, it usually is. One tool I often use if going somewhere new is Google earth. I use it to scope out the area before I ever go there. Firstly it means I'm not venturing into a place that is decidedly unsafe. Secondly if it looks a decent place to go I know to some extent my way around, parking etc. so if I need to leave I'm oriented as to the way back to the car.

I few years ago I posted that I was going to a support group meeting and would anyone like to have a meet up. Two from this forum responded; we exchanged mobi numbers and email addresses. We arranged to meet in a public place. The entire evening was conducted firstly in a restaurant and then at the group. A lovely evening was had by all and we parted going our own separate ways. I'd scoped out the parking (Google maps) even to knowing how much it would cost. How to get from the car park to the restaurant with the option of alternative routes.

One thing I would add my weight to is the notion that being out in the daylight at a busy shopping mall is one of the safest things you can do. The vast majority of folks will just let you pass by even if they read you. A very few will give you the evil eye. The chance of someone actually being rude or aggressive is virtually nil. SA's will 99.9% of the time be totally polite and engaging. Being out in the dark of night is not as much your friend as you'd think, certainly not in quiet parks or back streets.

Never use "Dutch Courage". Stone cold sober means you keep your wits about you and don't take risks you wouldn't take even if in drab.

As I said at the top, common sense is your best friend.

[Jackie7]

Driving while dressed is a thrill... then you do it a lot and often, and your attention may wander. Then one day at the highway rest stop, thinking about your route or the weather or whatever, you absent-mindedly head for the men's room...

[LaurenDeHart]

Thank you again. More good observations.

I don't drink that much but I do enjoy a cocktail or two in more intimate situations, i.e., around people I know. I never drink and drive and I never drink alone unless I am at home. I don't think clubbing is something I'm interested in and my car is in top condition (but things do happen).

Agreed, Google is my buddy as well. I often do research that way. Sometimes I will follow that up with a practice drive to scope out the area.

Common sense and go with your instincts are the shared theme. Makes perfect sense to me. I'm also thinking about having an emergency change of clothes and makeup wipes, when feasible, as well (thanks Dani).

Thanks!

Lauren

[Cheryl T]

General things to remember....
1) Don't have your head in the sand. Pay attention to your surroundings and the people that are there. This doesn't mean you have to have your head on a swivel, but don't be wearing earbuds listening to music, don't be so focused on that dress in the store display you forget where your handbag is.
2) Park in a lighted area where there are people, not in the darkest corner because you're afraid of being "read".
3) If you have a drink or two with friends don't overdo it so that you are visibly an easy target.

Mainly just keep your head on straight and you will be ok.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Stay away from dark alleys, don't go into a venue unless you're parked close by in a well-lit area if you're planning on staying out late, and don't get into somebody's car you met 38 minutes ago in a bar, even if he looks like George Clooney.

Oh and carry at least one condom.

[Pattie]

Yes Nikkiloves hit right on the button if you read my post on being with a man , even in your own surroundings you may not be safe.
So be very aware of who and what is out there, we are easy targets.

[Dana44]

LOL on the condom. But yeah if you are out and about as a woman. Stay in safe places like movies, a good restaurant and shop during the day when other women are doing. Do not go to a park at night and don't every get in a dark alley.

[LaurenDeHart]

if you read my post on being with a man.

I've read that post Pattie. If I could undo that experience for you I would.