Edit: If anything I wrote offended someone, please accept my apologies. Post removed.
Edit: If anything I wrote offended someone, please accept my apologies. Post removed.
Last edited by sometimes_miss; 04-10-2017 at 10:17 PM. Reason: c'mon people, you it was rhetorical If there is any doubt read the FAQs about bashing anyway
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Well need to be responsible in terms of acceptance of ourselves when it comes to others. Accepting of them not being able to switch gears on a dime. Accepting an outcome of a change or an ending of a relationship if so be it.Originally Posted by Teresa
They cannot change themselves for us anymore than we all say we can't change. We have to be responsible for accepting this.
We should, if we have circumstances of any gender variance make our partners aware of it. You knew, I knew, just about all of us knew we weren't typical or normal if one wants to use the word when it comes to gender.
As NC said, the half truths we tell are hurtful. While you say you don't agree with, you do imo seem to be making my case for me quite well. It takes time as you say for us to get our own heads around it. Years and years for many of us. Why would we expect a partner who was formed a false or incomplete knowledge of us due to our own actions and words be able to do so any quicker?
Yes, as you've said, you've tried to be a good partner, and I'm not doubting for a minute you haven't been. The problem is it is just a generic person not screwing her life up. The good partner isn't the one whom she thought she knew. You just can't blame her for feeling the way she does. And now yes you do have to make hard choices. Leave and you can be as free with gender without any limitation whatsoever. Or stay with them. Part of you gets what you want, part of you won't. Whatever serves you best wins. But accept this and be responsible for the choice you make.
Oh nothingclever, I guess he has lied to you and that hurts and also breaks trust. Oh my, to have a loving woman like you, he is destructive. I hope the best for you. To get you worked up like that he must have been pretty bad. . All I can say is we love our women and try to show her that and do some of the things she wants to do. You are to be loved first and foremost. Let him know that.
Part Time Girl
So sorry for your pain NothingClever. Its clear that whatever has happened is tearing at your heart. Without reading your other posts perhaps when he told you what he told you he was in fact lying to himself not just to you, perhaps he was in denial? Alternatively perhaps his feelings changed and when he told you it was the truth at that time? Not defending or excusing what he did just offering some possible reasons that may help you understand.
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
Yet again, you all amaze me....I really thought I was in for some major heat for my post. I was so frustrated and angry when I wrote it. THANK YOU for understanding and for sharing your stories and for being supportive. Yes, Reine, you're right....he probably never loved me, but his crossdressing was a HUGE factor in the breakdown of our relationship, I was a willing participant in something that I never even knew about before him and it hurt when I had to finally admit that he wasn't being honest with himself or me. I stand by my conviction that crossdressing is not just a fun, sexual "hobby" It is a real and actual body/brain collision.
To be fair, he opened me up to a way of thinking that I never knew existed. I'm not hating him, but I'm hating that he can't tell the truth. I HATE IT. He expected me to be understanding and loving, I did my best. I shopped with him, I did his makeup, I did everything I could. I wanted him to feel beautiful and loved and accepted. I got hurt. Bad. Not He's Just Not That Into You bad....
This is different. This is "who am I now" bad. I loved someone for who they were and it isn't the result ANYONE would have expected. I can't every single day remember the things I did for him while he pretends to be something he is not okay....does that make sense? He even tried to make me feel gross for loving him and telling him he looked beautiful. For the record: I adored her.
I don't know what this means I am. I started dating someone else and I accidentally touched them like I would touch Alison. It was beyond awkward. I was so embarrassed, but...how do I explain it? So now, I look like a freak and a weirdo.....who asks for anything they get in life? I don't know. I know I'm hurting. He's hurting too, but I'm tired of him not admitting who he is, hiding behind religion, forgetting that God made him and he's not bad. I'm so ****ing tired.
Judge me, I don't care. Pity, or pretend to, I don't care. This is actually happening to me and it sucks.
NC
I remember your posts about your BF and I'm so sorry for you.
I'd like to think that I would be totally honest if my SO could handle total honesty. But she can't handle it so I give her a Reader's Digest version. So, I'm not really sure what I would do with full acceptance.
But, I've spent a lot of money on therapy and have reached self acceptance. Others of us may be damaged beyond repair.
Also, I totally agree with Genny. I've been married almost 39 years, and I don't have to remind anyone that there was no Internet 39 years ago. I thought that I was the only one in the world like this and didn't even have the words to process it. At that time, I thought that any man who dressed like a woman was gay. Actually, 39 years ago gay meant happy; it hadn't even been appropriated by the homosexual community then. The only word I knew was a six-letter explicative beginning with "F". If I was 20 today, I would do things differently.
Last edited by Sometimes Steffi; 04-16-2017 at 10:34 PM.
Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.
I removed my comments,and choose to live my life.
I've just skimmed through this thread since I last posted and there must have been quite a discussion to cause people to remove their own posts.
It seems as if the point of contention is how can a TG be truthful in the beginning when things are confusing and the TG does not know the truth. This is indeed a good point, and in this case, the TG can say to a partner that things are confusing and the TG does not know what the outcome will be. As to sexual preferences (see the OP's past threads), this shouldn't be a big mystery. Either a TG is attracted to men or the TG isn't. In any case, the TG should be honest about his sexual fantasies with a spouse/girlfriend and not pretend one thing when another is true.
But, Nothingclever described different things than gender identity confusion. She mentioned self-centered and controlling behaviors (and this is putting it mildly). There is no excuse for this, not even when someone is on their journey to discovering their gender identity.
Reine
Nothingclever-
Love your post! Seriously. Within it I read someone who is far more interested in the truth than gender variance. Thank you! I love the truth. If within relationships, we don't have the truth, what else do we have? I don't think there is anything else more important to a healthy relationship than the truth. Sadly, not everybody feel the same way.
Many will say various things to avoid and justify their un-truthful positions. Personally, I just don't buy it. There are ways to tell the truth without destroying everything or making people angry. The number of discussions I have had with TG folk on this issue is staggering. Many people agree, and about an equal number disagree. And the reasons for disagreeing run the gamut. I've heard some real interesting ones. Regardless, they are justifications for doing something wrong, that makes them think they are actually doing the right thing. Sad to see because it hurts others so much, and it hurts them the most. It is a very hard sad cycle to watch. And at times it feels as if there is no stopping it because they are so convinced that they are right.
Nadine, clearly to you truth is everything and thats your right, but perhaps to others truth is less important. In my relationship I can name quite a fee things that are more important than truth, love and respect to name two.
Reine, what if the TG (as you call them) is not simply confused, but the way they feel changes? Perhaps the changes are frequent, so at times they feel TG at other times more of a CD. It could seem like they are confused, but perhaps its more about change.
Last edited by Becky Blue; 04-17-2017 at 09:59 PM.
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
Hi Nothingclever.
I agree with almost everything you say. I'm guessing you've experienced one of the worst scenarios. I get a sense you are generally an open and caring person. Perhaps you ended up in a no-win situation and that is sad. I wish I could say something more that might console you, but the right words escape me.
I certainly agree with honesty. Anyone I've had a close relationship with, I've brought this out early. If it wasn't acceptable things could have ended early, maybe not with zero pain but certainly before there was significant time and commitment. It's difficult to know the exact timing of sharing this knowledge with someone, but definitely earlier rather than later.
That said crossdressing is somewhat dynamic. It does change over time as do most things in life. It certainly has changed over my lifetime. As it changes, I try to be open and honest with my SO, and I ensure it's not all about me. My wife needs her man as well and to be fulfilled as a woman. In exchange she gives me a fairly long leash on my CDing. A balance is important. If she needs something I try to accommodate. We talk about things and try to be giving to each other. It's called having a relationship.
Best wishes to you nothingclever......
Becky - You and I have been down this route before and clearly we do not see eye to eye on the issue of truth. Funny how you say love and respect come before truth. Well, if someone that I don't trust says that they love me and respects me, guess what? It's kind of hard to believe them. No? Oh yeah, that's right, those that aren't interested in telling the truth can be trusted some of the times right? Doesn't that negate the entire idea of trust? Only to those of us who think trust is important and unwavering. To those who think trust can occur in some places and not others find it hard to believe that they aren't trustable.
Well that is one person's manifesto.
Empathy can be Defined as hearing, comprehension and understanding, as best we can from the perspective of the other.
I failed to apply that last step with my ex...at least until it was too late. I have a feeling that Clever's ex is so absorbed with himself that he has failed to listen, comprehend or understand anything but his own needs. Showing empathy doesn't invalidate his needs. In effect he invalidated her feelings, needs and even her attempts to support him.
Posting Permissions
