I'm Changing (help?)

[Sometimes Steffi]

Steffi, dear.

I will NOT jump off any deep end. Trust me.
I am taking baby steps and slow steps all the way. The last thing I need to do is break something valuable while trying to fix MY life (that doesn't need fixing; it's been quite amazing and fun to this point)

But I need something .... something out of this (strange) crossdressing habit and self-sense I should have been/ want to be a woman. This forum, as grand and wise as it is, is also pro-CD/TG, pro-dressing and pro-transition. It's a great place to learn. It's also a great place to find support and insulation.

I hear your advice and call for professional help. It seems to be a consensus of those who have walked in my heels before. It may be a while, but I need to seriously consider it. (Does Medicare cover this?).
Thank you. Bless you.


Trish,

Thanks for the advice about the therapist. I shall give it serious consideration.
The consensus of the Forum seems to be "seek therapy". Yours' seems to have worked.
I'm not mentally ill. I'm Me, and I'm having a lot of difficulty getting over the mental health/therapist hump.
Appreciate the help, girl. Really do.
Hugs

My therapy also worked. More than anything else, it got me to a point of accepting myself -- both of me (see my signature) -- but I don't feel that I need to transition.

Also, I got over the fear that going to a therapist made me a "mental case", to use a (non-politically-correct) term from my youth.

I didn't seek a financial analyst (because I could easily figure out the answer myself). My wife and I may be able to afford to live out our lives out comfortably on my retirement, my social security, my IRAs, her social security, her IRSs, etc., provided we stay together. Neither of us will have an enjoyable retirement if we have to split the retirement in half.

There are also some chronic, possibly life ending medical conditions that we both have. I'd prefer not to face mine alone, and I would prefer to abide by my vow of "in sickness and in health" with respect to her medical conditions. I'd also like to be able to "walk my daughter down the aisle" if she can find someone who will "put up with her" (she is very strong willed) while I can still walk.

So, I'm willing to compromise, but "never dressing ever again" is not the compromise I'm looking for. Right now, the compromise I have is acceptable to me. I guess you have to consider how far you are willing to go.

[IleneD]

I am so thankful to hear the voices of those who have walked in my Heels.
There are many frequent refrains sung across this board, and mine is one of them.

I say I "want to be a woman", because that's the realization of what I've whispered to myself, unbeknownst, all my life. A desire to be a woman.
That isn't to say I WANT TO BE A WOMAN in the future. The desire and thought admittedly exists as a possibility. But no, I don't mean "want" misunderstood with a plan or vision to become.

Thank you all who answered my post and continued to discuss it from your many perspectives. This is the true value of this forum. You have me recommendations I wouldn't have devised on my own, and things to seriously self-examine. Bless you all.

[Tina_gm]

I am glad you are taking time to really consider all of this Ilene. If you do ever decide its time to take further steps you will know. And it won't be wrong, for you. I really do not like the pushing and shoving that goes on in these forums. When we have lived a substantial portion of our lives as men, including marriage, a lifetime career, kids, maybe grandkids.... That is A LOT to alter. Yeah, I have felt the I wish I was a woman many times. I am going to go out on a big limb here and say that most CDers have felt this at some point. Probably like me, more than once.

Again, I would never suggest someone not jump into the girl pool. Just make sure that It is because it is right for you and you are doing so without reservation.

[GretchenM]

Hi Ilene,

I suspected you might head in this direction. Perhaps you recall, I was there in December 2012. It is a difficult point to be at, but seeing a therapist at our local gender identity center here in Denver was a lot of help. You might want to drop in there and explain what it is you are going through and see if they are willing to help you find your way through this difficult stage. Believe me, it is well worth it. And the support groups there are full of loving and caring trans people of all flavors. It complements the therapy and is well worth while even without the therapy. You get to meet a wide variety of people and talk to them and listen to others tell of their difficulties and see how others help them.

I also suggest you get a copy of a really wonderful book that is very helpful in seeing what is involved in transition. It is called "Wrapped in Blue." Amazing personal account of a very athletic person not terribly different from you and her journey from He to She. You are at a cross-roads just like I was a few years ago. I can't advise you on the path you should take - that is your choice. Don't rush the resolution; it will come. But do consider getting some guidance from a pro in helping you to choose. Well worth it every minute.

You will always have my support.

Love,
Gretchen

[ginapoodle]

Ilene,

You are fortunate to have local resources and support. Something came to my mind, from some metaphysical studies:

"there are no mistakes, there are only choices"

Find your path. Also remember U turns are allowed in life.

blessings

[IleneD]

Gretchen,

I'm so glad you read my post. You know me (in a way).
And I so value your knowledge base on the topics of CD/TG. You are well versed AND with hands on experience so to speak; and you know the local resources.
No doubt I'll be getting up with you soon. But I need some weeks to let this all settle in. Swallowing my own realization that this (being a woman) is what I've always asked for, was a proverbial light bulb in me figuring out what this all means, and why.

I need some breathing space but some time this summer, maybe in June, I'll give you a call.
With all my heart. Hugs.

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When we have lived a substantial portion of our lives as men, including marriage, a lifetime career, kids, maybe grandkids.... That is A LOT to alter.

Mutt,

You get it. You have a sense of what I'm up against and facing. Like I said.... we don't live your lives in a vacuum; most of it in man-form. Thanks. While everyone is almost unanimous in recommending Counseling, you are one of the few voices to remind of of where I've been and where I come from.

Thanks. Hugs.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Ilene

One thing that crossed my mind (hey, a double entendre)

You might look back on the (physically) beautiful girl you admired in the past, but that shipped has sailed. The youthful girl you wanted to be in your 20's is gone, never to be seen again, except in your imagination. You could still become a beautiful woman, but will that satisfy you? Is it worth giving up everything you have to become a beautiful 65 y.o. woman? Caitlyn Jenner has the resources to afford the best plastic surgery that man can buy. And while she appears to be beautiful, her neck and her hands give away her age. Just saying.

[GretchenM]

Ilene,

That is fine. Take your time. Just know that although there are differences in the way we approach all of this there are commonalities as well and support in your journey is what I offer. It is a difficult stage and hard to work out all on your own. Nevertheless, many do it and find that zone of comfort and happiness that fits them. It is an evolutionary stage you are in, but it can also be a revolution.

Gretchen

[DMichele]

Ilene,
I can so relate to many experiences of your journey. For example, I too would envy a woman and want to be her rather than have a romantic relationship with her. Through this forum (thank you ladies for sharing your experiences, joys and trials) I have come to realize that I am a woman that has put on a male façade for 5+ decades. Today, I am truly happier after coming to accept my transgender non-binary identity, and strive to be authentic regardless how I present. I am considering gender-identity therapy and HRT; but in the meantime, I am in a good place and strive to just be me (i.e. Michele).

I wish you lots of happiness going forward.

[IleneD]

Ilene
You could still become a beautiful woman, but will that satisfy you? Is it worth giving up everything you have to become a beautiful 65 y.o. woman? Caitlyn Jenner has the resources to afford the best plastic surgery that man can buy. And while she appears to be beautiful, her neck and her hands give away her age. Just saying.

Thanks (again), Steffi;

Another great point and thing I have considered when factoring my CD motivations and root causes; the effects of my own aging and the loss of my own (male) natural "beauty", or at least the youthful appearance. Perhaps as I aged, I have thought, I am using CD and make up to defeat old age. I'm not sure it's a strong motivator, but I certainly believe many of my forum sisters when they say that dressing takes 10+ years off their appearance.

BTW... funny that Jenner came up. I can't go into detail but I am (obviously) from the same generation as Jenner, and coincidentally played collegiate level sports against Jenner when he was The Bruce. When I first heard of her TG transition and all the news about it, I was surprised as anyone....... surprised that someone -another 'manly-man' - had the same life "issues", [or something similar] to mine; and apparently far more profound. Yes, her story touched me. And NO, I don't have the resources or the rational interest to proceed down Caitlyn's path. There are other means of dealing with my beloved interior Ilene rather than remodeling the exterior or rebuilding the house.

[laura.lapinski]

Ilene, I don't think there is any way of sharing your thoughts on being a woman with your wife without upsetting the both of you. I know this is extremely difficult for you and your wife. If you keep it inside yourself, you will probably eat yourself alive in some sort of way. If you bring it out, then its your wife that will be hurt. I hate that life has to seemingly always work this way. Why can't it always be a win-win situation? Anyway, this is why it is painful for you to contemplate. You know inside that no matter what you do it will be uncomfortable. I have similar dilemmas in my life, not related to CD, but still situations that are all consuming to ponder. I'm so sorry you are suffering. So sorry anyone has to suffer with these decisions. I admire the ones who are able to overcome these forks in the road and keep moving forward, and that goes for any emotional decisions, not just CDing ones. Nobody can, or should tell you what to do. This is a personal decision, because only you are the one that will walk the path. The best you can do is try to evaluate both sides of the equation and decide what is more important to you. Whatever the case, try to lower your anxiety about it as much as possible. No use worrying about what hasn't happened yet. Try to be as happy as you can today, with what life is today. I wish you all the best.

[Teresa]

Gendermutt,
To me the pushing and shoving isn't totally for Ilene's benefit much of what she's says is something we've been through or still gong through, some of us are possibly thinking aloud about the actions we might have to take , we also get feedback for our own situation through Ilene's question, our circumstances are all slightly different we might see a solution from another person's reply.

[Tina_gm]

Teresa, what I mean by pushing and shoving is from those who just think we HAVE to get out there or be that, or whatever, and it should always come 1st. Something I don't agree with UNLESS our entirety of our being is compromised to the point of torture and misery. So I never say it's wrong to do so. But likewise I don't think it's wrong not to do so. It all depends on what is harder, giving things up for it, or living without it being in any way compromised.

Ilene, there can be quite a difference between wanting to be female and realizing you are one internally. I'm not venturing any suggestions as to which you are.

Those who want to be female do so primarily because of convenience. To be able to freely express their femininity without any issues. Some have stopped transition or have de-transitioned when they realized it wasn't about being female, it was about feminine expression.

[DanielleDubois]

Just a brief comment and I'm not sure if it has been mentioned before but from what I have read transitioning at an older age ( and I am your age) is associated with a number of increased health risks.

[Meghan4now]

Ilene,

I have been on break for 40 days. I would have responded earlier otherwise. But reading this thread, I am glad I did not yet. I think the advice here has been very insightful. One of the best threads I've seen here in a long time, and some of the best commentators.

My take on it is that while we try to get beyond the why question, we never really do. Life is not so simple where we arrive at a state and then stay there, happy and fulfilled. Instead as things happen we are constantly reevaluating, reinventing, growing, changing, dying. It is in trying to live our lives by our values that really matters. The conditions in our lives do not define us, but can have influence on how we react to life. But remember we ultimately guide our own fate. Sometimes we need to clear our minds to see the path again.

I think you should take some time to remove yourself from the immersion of "making a choice" and try to look down the path.

My prayers are with you.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ilene , You have already got a lot of great answers......

Be sure to read line #4 in my signature !

[IleneD]

Meghan,

I am so pleased you responded. I so respect your presence and contributions on the forum; not just the fluff stuff.
There's one thing about how you as Meghan come across on the forum. You definitely protray someone who is satisfied, built a good place for their feminine side within their very real male life, and supported by your SO. This isn't to say that you've "nailed the landing" on CD life, but you do seem quite at peace.

Love your thought on Values. Thanks for the reminder to step away from things for a while to gain perspective. That's what I'm doing now following a period of full time dressing. As you gathered, Meg, my real "issue" is my own self-realization that this is something I've been wanting all my life; that I've had a desire to be a woman. I finally dug up the evidence on myself after a year of 'coming out'.

I like and appreciate your recommendation to remove myself from immersion. There's no crisis,..... and frankly, I am not anguishing over the revelation or the thought. There's no need to move with speed. Looking forward as to what this MEANS, is very good advice.
Thanks.

[rachael.davis]

Hi Ilene

You're of an age (so am I) that there was no vocabulary for transgendered when you were twenty, the resources (such as they were) were generally porn, semi porn, or ridiculous "dirty paperbacks" with plots that would make fictionmania blush.
You're re examining a lot of assumptions, take some time, find a decent GI counselor, remind your wife how many decades of your life you have dedicated to her, sit down and have a nice cup of tea....
You didn't get here overnight, you shouldn't make any rushed decisions on where you're going from here

[IleneD]

Orchid,

So much respect for you too. You've walked in my heels, I believe.

I am not so worried about REALIZING it. I'm more interested in a logical, rational path forward while not a bit of this makes sense to a single soul except me.
I read your words about wishing and know you are wise.
You know, .... a part of me finds it quite interesting that, at my age, I'm still searching Life; the life known as Me.

I am not distressed. Hugs, darling. Some day I shall go back to my old Navy stomping grounds in MD, and perhaps visit new ones.
Thank you.

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Hi Ilene; You're of an age (so am I) that there was no vocabulary for transgendered when you were twenty, the resources (such as they were) were generally porn, semi porn, or ridiculous "dirty paperbacks" with plots that would make fictionmania blush.

Rachael,

Thank you for the kind words and ones of understanding my background and demographic (so to speak).
I've thought about an aspect of what you stated. When I was a young man every male human being that engaged in gender or sexual behavior outside the prescribed social definition of "manliness" (for the 50s & 60s), was simply lumped under the umbrella of Queer. (Can we use that word here within the terms of service? Don't mean to offend. Just making a point._
Male homosexuals were queer; as were bisexuals, transgenders, transexual (males), and of course, crossdressers. Any man that appeared "girly' or effeminate was - in the term of the time - Queer. BTW, there were worse terms.
But if You (meaning, I) liked to don women's clothing, you were a queer man, and there was no getting around it. The general misunderstanding of the time was huge. Crossdressing, in effect, meant you were also gay; a homosexual. I tell you with all my heart, Rachael, for the longest time I carried that confusion along with me.

Knowing what I know now about myself and the lessons of Forum member experience I have enjoyed I'm beginning to put all of it into perspective.

PS: To moderators. I didn't use my Q-term in a pejorative nor as an insult. Just a manner of making a fair point about a time long ago.

[Sheren Kelly]

To add to the discussion,
Great advise that was given me was "to not outrun your headlights". Most of us seek clarity through the experiences of others on this path, but ultimately you have to follow the quiet voice in your soul and chart the best course for our individual circumstances. The question of transition should be addressed when you run out of options in your current situation.

For me, I believe I will have to wrestle with gender dysphoria for the rest of my life, it is a part of me (as I said in my PM to you: "I'll always be a square peg trying to fit in a round hole"). I experience GD more as Gender Envy, knowing that I am male, but wishing I had been born female. I am trying to gradually bring in more feminine expression into my daily life (beyond simply dressing the part). It has been harder than I thought due to the baggage people of our generation share (i.e. femininity in a male is somehow detestable). I am grateful for those who have fought to make the public aware that transgender people have always been part of society; and that I now live in a place where I can get out regularly and at least sample what life could be like had I been born female.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Ilene

Your comment about "queer" rings true, except the only "queer" that I knew about were gay men. If you were a crossdresser, you were gay (not the word we used then). And if you were effeminate both in appearance and comportment -- like Jack on "Will and Grace", rather than Will -- you were gay.

It didn't help that a gay man hit on me in my late teens and again in my early 20s. I didn't know the word "gaydar", but I understood the concept. What did these guys see in me that made them think I was gay.

Even one of the therapists (not a very good one obviously) told me that I was gay. After my first visit! Fortunately by then, I could conceptualize this. I even ran an experiment to test the hypothesis. I worked out at the gym several times a week, so I tried to assess if any of the dudes were "attractive". The thought of it grossed me out. Conclusion: Not gay. Corollary: Get a new therapist (which I did). BTW, the new therapist told me that I wasn't gay (after a number of visits) and that any licensed therapist who told me that after a single visits should lose her license.

[IleneD]

Steffi:

Back then, playing in Mom's makeup and clothing (as a young adolescent), .... the society was telling me that I was gay or queer. Boys who wore dresses were queer. Men who liked women's things were queer. Men who liked men were queer. It was easy to convince myself, even beat myself up , over the possibility of being gay. So confusing. So confusing...... and no one to speak with in those times.
Bless you, Steffi. Love you, sister. Really do.

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Cap Kelly;

Darling, I wish I could reach across this board and hug you. I mean it. I absolutely love your story and your attitude.
Your second paragraph sounds "so me". I've considered the "Gender Envy", and you can see in my own comments below how much I admire women. I don't know if I and Ilene are TG, but I know we're one and the same. Your note about gradually bringing more feminine and female items into your every day life and expression is so true. It is one of the things I have found myself doing. Wearing lipstick (in allegedly male mode). Earrings, panties and underdressing 24/7. More leggings and leggings every day.

Frankly.... if I'm swimming in my life crisis, I am having a fun time of it. I just need to be very careful of how (or why or even if) I should proceed. There's still many questions to be answered about what I want out of this CD thing, who I am and who I wish to be.

Cap. You have my heart, girl. Press on. I love what you're doing and admire you.
Hugs and thanks for checking on me.

[Teresa]

Ilene,
Your first paragraph in reply #47 is so true, I think for our age group that was the stigma, especially when being a homosexual had not long been legalised . Any adult who dressed in those days had it far tougher than we do now, he risked being physically attacked if he was gay and worse if he was a CDer . Living in fear and knowing most of society probably hates you doesn't bare thinking about , how lucky we are that we do have a far more open society .

[IleneD]

OK, first thing to address, is we don't have 'sides'. It's all you.
Actually, you ARE starting to 'get it'. But you're still afraid of where it might lead, as the options (homosexuality, bisexuality, or being transsexual) are all probably unacceptable to not only what you've been brought up to believe, but to all those around you as well.
Try carrying a 3x5 notepad, and writing down when you get the urge to be female, and what was going on immediately before you had that thought.

Sometimes Miss,

Wow. Your insight into CD and people in general is impressive.
Thanks for the reminder about "sides". When I first began to (self-)analyze my gender/sexual identity issues, I never felt I had a dual personality, another person inside of me, another entity or someone trapped inside me. You're correct. It was and IS always Me. I never even had a femme name for "her" until I came to this forum and the board requested a Nome de Femme.

Your comment about "you ARE getting it", stopped me in my tracks. It was quite a slap upside the head, and a reminder. Without launching into a major discussion about battling my own perceived homo/bi-sexuality, there is grain of truth to it if past is prologue. I had some gay experiences as a young man, part of coming to grips and exploring my gender/sexual identity. It was psychological dynamite. Produced a lot of guilt and shame to what I was internally processing. I have to take those experiences into account NOW, at long last, as I put everything into perspective. I haven't forgotten those parts of my puzzle, but thanks for the hard reminder.

I agree with your "take notes" recommendation; and I've long kept a journal (actually series of journals going back decades) ....., not a diary BTW. I've been keeping notes on my CD/gender thoughts, motivations, experiences, ideas, etc. A very good thing.

I sent you a PM. You are obviously well studied. I read our life narrative. Thanks for the honesty.

[sometimes_miss]

Sometimes Miss, Wow. Your insight into CD and people in general is impressive.

Sometimes. Hence, the moniker. Nearly all of it learned while trying to figure out my own life.
BTW, your inbox is full. I tried to PM you but it won't go.