"The Talk" happened this morning

[kimdl93]

Wow...deep breath! Gretchen, I didn't realize you were in this situation. I have so much empathy for you and your wife. I'm hopeful that she can wrap her mind around everything...it certainly seems she's off to a good start.

I tend to look at these events through the lens of my own failures...and that means that whatever I say needs to be discounted substantially!

[Sometimes Steffi]

My wife had exactly the same reaction. No wait; that was the dream I had.

My getting caught was the nightmare; my wife had almost the opposite reaction.

We're surviving in DADT. She wants to know nothing except when I expect to come home from one of my outings.

[Suzie Petersen]

And so it begins!

Watch your step Gretchen, for there are strong forces hiding in the shadows.

- Suzie

[Becky Blue]

Gretchen, so great to hear everything has ended up so well thus far, you clearly do have a gem of a wife. Hopefully things continue to go so well...

[Pat]

I love my life with her so much, I will continue to keep this part of me distinct and separate, I don't need to have my wife involved in this, in return I will not do anything to mistrust me and to be onboard and honest going forward, so it's going to be a DADT, but not due to disapproval and/or embarrassment but for respecting each other privacy.

Interesting response. Few people seem to come to this site because they're satisfied with the status quo. It's like a fairy tale where the Fairy Godmother gives you a bar of gold and you use it for a doorstop. That might be the right answer for you -- maybe the only issue you needed to address was the door blowing shut in the wind. In which case, congratulations. Maybe after a little settling time you'll choose to open up a bit. Many of us think the side we conceal contains a better person -- and openness releases that person into the world. It would be a shame to hide that from your wife.

No matter what, congratulations and I'm very happy for you.

[kimdl93]

Fear is a very understandable emotion. Every relationship is unique, and this is very early on for both of you. My thought, based on what I'd do over, is to focus on meeting her needs, emotionally and otherwise, and keep talking, but try to keep her expressing and understanding her feelings, fears and concerns, rather than explaining yours. And don't engage in bargaining or negotiating... Now is the time to convince her that you are ultimately and unconditionally committed to her happiness and fulfillment. Of course, you'll hope she can make the same unconditional commitment to you, but that may take some time...or it may never come. But, as you said, giving up your relationship will be a net negative...so act accordingly.

[Kelly DeWinter]

The steps of progression are not dissimilar to the stages of grief. These stages are not universal or the same for everyone.

Based on reading of historical accounts here a general pattern seems to be;
Discovery and or Meltdown
Day 1 – 6 months Trauma Stage – Numbness, Shock, Anger, False Promises
(Some may make it through this period in 1-3 months)
Rash promises on one or both sides
Demands for change or else
False promises of support
Genuine Support

1 – 6 months: Beginning to work on the issues
Reflection – Recognition of problems with rash promises
Fear for Future
Beginning of openness or DADT
Renegotiation of terms conditions

6 months – 1 year: Facing the issues:
Is change possible
Redefining “normal”
Beginning of Acceptance or dissolution of relationship

1 year to 2 years Shaking sadness –seeking to understand
Forgiveness and Understanding

2 years – Understanding and Reconciliation
Acceptance and Encouragement


The key for most couples is communication, If there has not been a history of open communication then most relationships devolve into a DADT or worse.
You and your spouse can work through this. Finding the right resources such as the Book My Husband Betty may help. Also writing a heartfelt letter is a good start as well.

[Jenny22]

Oh, Gretchen, within 24 hours she had an apparent complete turn around. What might have caused it? I'm sure you must have asked her. Such a 180 so quickly must have been shocking. Can you share why? Be strong.

[CONSUELO]

I'm glad that it is working out for you. Keeping such a thing secret for "many,many" years must have been an intolerable strain. Don't try to hide anything. Tell her everything but not all at once.

[Amy Fakley]

All I can say is buckle up. The rollercoaster has only just left the gate.
My experience of coming out to my wife (17 years in, 19 next week) has been that theres a turbulence to it ... initially my wife was supportive as well. But then she started to think through a lot of the same things it sounds like your wife is ... where will this go ... who will know. It's really l comes in waves ... mostly around all of the different ways one can consider the answer to the question "how could this affect me?"

Which is of course ... completely understandable. I'm now around 2 years post reveal. It's still a rollercoaster from time to time. Sometimes she's the one upset, sometimes it's me ... even though I've had all my life to come to terms with it, and a couple years out to my wife, I'm still extremely fragile emotionally around the topic of my gender issues.

On the whole, honesty has been a far far better path than the private darkness I'd been living in, hiding all those years, but it can be tough to deal with for everyone from time to time.

One thing that truly helped me through the initial few months after coming out was a prescription for an antidepressant from my doctor. It took a lot of the instinctual panic I have out of the discussions of my gender issues.

Hang in there girl. It's gonna be rough seas for a little bit, but better days are ahead. Never stop showing her how much you love her. Openness, honesty and love will get ya through :-)

[ellbee]

Gretchen,

I suppose something like this was bound to happen sooner or later. Though it is a bit unfortunate that it didn't happen more on your terms. And I admit that I am a bit surprised that she wasn't already aware of this stuff, as I believe it is something that an SO should at least be privy to. But that is neither here nor there.


It can be human nature to automatically assume "the worst" (in the eyes of the SO, as an SO) -- that you are actually gay, that you want to leave her & run off with a man who you're already in love with & have been having an affair with, that you want to "become like Caitlyn Jenner," etc.

That kind of stuff might not make sense to us, since many of us have been dealing with this for a good while now. But for many SO's, as fresh "outsiders" looking in for the first time, oftentimes that is sort of what is going through their heads, especially initially. Not saying that's right or wrong, but just reality.


I agree that this will probably be a bit of a rollercoaster for a good while -- for *both* of you.

My suggestion is to listen to those who have been in similar positions before. And that includes the GG's here... It really opened my eyes to hear their sides of the stories.

Of course, really listen to your wife, as well. But you already know that.


One conversation at a time, one day at a time.

We are all rooting for you & your wife.

[steftoday]

just saw this thread. I'm hoping it's a good outcome with your continued dialog... rooting for you Gretchen!!

[Fiona123]

Very nice post.

[mykell]

sorry to hear about the back-step.

[..............................]
I think it mutual fear on both sides rather than a change of opinions.

your still talking so its good, fear is a natural emotion, everyone handles it in a different way. my wife and i do share small conversations related to but not directly about my gender issues....i have felt comfort sharing myself with my p-flag group, my meet-up and my volunteering which my wife knows about and encourages me to do. that being said IF you or your wife would like to attend a P-flag meeting or similar support function and prefer to have someone whom you know i would most certainly make every effort to meet with you if it would comfort you. my group at the jersey shore regularly has 40-50 participants per meeting and is geared towards trans leaning folks, edit - [this is also attended by moms dads family and friends so you have a chance to sit and talk with peers as well as trans folks], just offering no pressure....everyone deals with this differently and as a fairly close neighbor and having met you just want to do anything i can to help.

i do remember that the first two weeks were the hardest....we have kept this a private matter between ourselves and IT WORKS for us....others need more, some less.
i cant leave the house dressed and as you know i am out in the "wild" whenever i get a chance.

what i do remember doing was getting all the honey to do list items done as well as the avoided chores around the house and gave her lots of space to digest, it kept my mind busy and kept me from any negative thoughts and i guess she saw i was still the guy she married ? and she found a way to cope with it, she is a bowler and i pitied the pins those first few weeks.


pflag link
https://www.google.com/search?q=pfla...utf-8&oe=utf-8

[Alice B]

That i a wonderful reaction from your wife. It is something I share, but realize very few have such a positive result. Keep us informed as things move forward.

[Rogina B]

I hope you are explaining yourself ! From my observations,here..You have gender issues..It is way more than the enjoyment of clothing. This requires a different course in order to keep you on a level keel. I hope you are explaining that to her.

[phili]

My wife accepts the idea of 'thought experiments' - it is safe, but just about anything can be explored without fear of it being real. So perhaps you can get some space to play out the drama as you see it with her and perhaps someone in her corner listening and helping clarify- to see what you are feeling, thinking, your reasons, what isn't certain yet, etc.

Coming to conclusions by ourselves is not anywhere near as accurate and useful as coming to conclusions through open discussions with those we love.

If you are scared it is because people aren't talking, and they look like or threaten to explode. Need to lower the temperature and talk- say you aren't sure- since perhaps you aren't, and walking together along the reasoning path helps you stay in sync, which is right because the relationship is so central to you.

[darla_g]

From what i have observed both from my own talk with my wife and from the myriad of stories i have heard on here over almost 10 years is:

1. Are you gay?
2 Do you want to become a woman?

I honestly think that most women ( and my wife confirms this) is that they don't know very much about crossdressing which leads to discomfort

























;

[Sometimes Steffi]

I wish you the best.

Note that you can come here and celebrate and commiserate as the winds change.

She might not have that outlet. I know a group of SOs in PA who run a spouses support group. I might still have her email address.

You might have met her at Keystone. PM me if you need me to track down her email address.

[lingerieLiz]

Very happy for you. My wife has known soon after we started dating. While she would rather I didn't dress she has become adjusted to it. We like to shop together and she will point things out and also tell me when things aren't going to work. She has always had a real fashion sense and knows clothes. I've always worn women's clothes and now that I'm retired I've moved to almost full time. She has alerted me to sales and when shopping we don't even go to the men's departments anymore.

Good Luck

[Shayna]

Hi Jenny, it was not a complete 180, but rather some time was taken to digest it all , and its ramifications, I think

I think it mutual fear on both sides rather than a change of opinions.

I had the same experience when my wife found out, at first very forgiving, saying the worst part was that I lied to her. Within a couple of days she became distraught. The relationship is still very strong but it is strictly DADT. It took a few weeks to feel secure in our relationship again.

[GretchenM]

Dear GretchenJ,

Oh my, what a wonderful event. Your wife is a gem to be sure. She understands and that makes all the difference in the world. I am so happy for you and your wife as well. Just remember that now that you are out it is a different world that will require some new skills and perspectives. You will find them and with a supportive wife it will make it a bit less bumpy. What happened is likely more of a blessing than you might realize.

xoxo

GretchenM

[greeneyes]

I think you should just go slow and hang in there. I know that after I found out (about a month later) I thought of how everyone would react and it was overwhelming. Joni wasn't even saying she was going to come out to everyone..My imagination just went to the worst place. Afterward, I had a chance to imagine a scenario with each person that might find out.. and individually, how I would handle that...which made dealing with each scenario easier. We are not telling people, and I know she does not want that, but IF anyone were to find out, I know we could handle it. Hang in there, if she was accepting at first she will probably come around. Just reassure her that you want to be with her, and that will not change. Hugs to you! Greeneyes

[Gabriella111]

From what i have observed both from my own talk with my wife and from the myriad of stories i have heard on here over almost 10 years is:

1. Are you gay?
2 Do you want to become a woman?

Those are the first two questions I asked my bf when we met and he told me he is a crossdresser.

[Meghan4now]

Gretch,

Tough spot. Just keep talking, try to stay positive even when you find it tough. And Greeneyes advice is good.