i deleted my post by accident >< this is me re writing it, cant believe i did that lol, here is a picture :-) http://imgur.com/a/zaPyA
My name is Adam i am 25 years old, I never had any friends as a kid like at all i was pretty much alone from kindergarten till well now i still dont have any friends but the first time i ever crossdressed was when i was around 11 or 12, i found my older sisters dresses in her closet and tried them on and fell in love, something about it made me happy which was very rare as i was almost always sad.
I think i am quite an atypical crossdresser as from what i have read most crossdressers are straight but i believe i am asexual as i have never had any sex drive to speak of what so ever, never been attracted to another person man or women, lots of the time i think i would rather be gay then asexual as at least that would give me some hope for a relationship but i truly feel no attraction to people what so ever.
I am in the closet when it comes to my crossdressing, i have never done it anywhere but in private, i believe my mom knows or has at least found my dresses before but she has never said anything to me about it or confronted me about it, i dont think she cares much or understands but doesnt really care i know she has some friends who are gay and she isnt deeply religious or anything so i dont think it would matter to her so much but would still be extremely awkward, i think she would be far more upset to find out i was asexual as i know she wants grandchildren one day lol. I laughed the other day when i was thinking about it and realized i have spent more money on my Dresses and heels then i have on my male clothing.
I have had severe depression my whole life or at least since a very young age when i couldnt make any friends, i find myself thinking of suicide alot but that is nothing new i have had these suical thoughts for at least 10 years, i have never acted them but i lay in bed thinking about it every night, but i am getting off topic i really dont think that has to do with my crossdressing as my crossdressing is one of the only things that makes me truly happy, something about wearing a dress just puts a smile on my face. I often find when i cant put on a dress as in my mother has a few days off or i am out of town for what ever reason or something like that i spend alot of time anticipating the next time i will get to put one on.
I think one of the things that really gets me depressed it not being able to move out of my mothers, i just dont make enough money rent is so damned expensive and i dont know anything who would want to be my roommate and finding a random one online seems scetchy and ontop of that i can only imagine trying to find a random roommate who isnt totally freaked out by my crossdressing but even then i probably couldnt afford it... just rambling at this point.
Thank you all for reading, still cant believe i deleted the whole thing lol