Dealing with the doubts

[AlyssaJ]

As of tomorrow I'll officially have been on HRT a whopping 2 weeks. IDK if it's the hormones or the upheaval that is happening in my marriage right now or a combination of the two, but I've been dealing with some rough moments of doubt and fear about transitioning. I worry that I might have destroyed my relationship with my wife for nothing. I wonder sometimes if I thought seriously enough about this before I decided. I fear that my transition will not be as successful as I hope and that I might come to regret abandoning the life I've known for the last 39 years. I know this is common, I've seen lots of TS's post about doubts and fears fading in and out. My question is how do you deal with them.

Right now I've been trying to ultimately dismiss them. I try to focus on the original reasons I decided to pursue transition. I think about the image of a confident and strong woman that I have for myself in my head and it usually helps me push through. However, it's also come to my attention that there are people who transition and then regret it and some even de-transition. So I'm wondering if maybe I should be paying more attention to the doubts and fears and that maybe there's something more legit there that I need to consider. So now I've got doubt on top of doubt.

So for those further down the transition road, how did you deal with this? Were you able to simply dismiss them as fear of change and the challenges in front of you? Did you give them serious consideration and if so can you share any thoughts on what helped you determine that you needed to keep going?

[Pat]

I'm on a slightly different kind of transition path but transitioning none-the-less and if it helps, I'd offer the following: accept the feelings, acknowledge them as legitimate fears but resolve to listen to your heart in this matter. Yes, there are people who decide that transition is not for them. Yes, you might be one. But until you are, don't let fear stop you. Embrace the life you've asked for and live it. There are challenges enough without letting "what ifs" deter you. If your heart tells you you're on the right track, keep going. Good luck (to us all.)

[Rianna Humble]

I believe that every one of us who has transitioned according to the forum definition of that word has been assailed by doubts after a short period into the process.

For me, when I awoke in the wee small hours of sixpence with the thought "Who do you think you're kidding?" and lots of doubts about the effect on my future and on those I love, it came as a shock.

After a time of reflection, though, it seemed to me that this was one of the last rallying cries of the dysphoria. I shared it here and got a chorus of support that might be paraphrased as "join the club".

This next bit may come as a surprise to many here - I still get the random doubt especially when I am low. However I know without a shadow of a doubt that I could never return to my previous existence - I would not survive and that would do far more harm to the people about whom I care so deeply.

At the end of the doubts, it is still true for me that the need to be congruent is far more urgent than any other consideration.

[hope springs]

Doubts are as common as blades of grass. To deal with that i think about my life before. The depression and apathy. I think about my quality of life as a male and realize i could never do that again.
The universe goes out of its way to maintain balance. So if transitioning will make you happy, the universe will find ways to make you miserable too. Divorce, doubts, prejudice, exclusions.... great shoes and skirts...family members not speaking to you.....Breasts!.....judgemental stares...shopping till you drop. There is always a back and forth with transition. In the end only you make the decision to continue, we are here for you either way

[Marcelle]

Hi Alyssa,

Although we each follow our own path when it comes to transition the one commonality I have seen early on is that sense of doubt. You have to remember that you are moving forward from the known to the unknown. As things progress, that part of you slowly let's go but like a drowning person clinging on for whatever hope to continued existence there is, that person will claw its way back to the surface from time to time and grab at you. I agree with Rianna on this, it is probably the last vestiges of dysphoria making its presence known. I have these days often . . . unfortunately due to medical reasons, for me HRT is not an option and will most likely never be. So I will never benefit from some of the physical changes it brings and have to make due with what I have been dealt. I just went through a rough patch of exactly what you mentioned . . . "who am I trying to fool, I'll never be seen as a woman". This was consistent for several days until one day I was walking to work, the sun was shining and I felt an internal smile and warmth . . . I am finally who I was meant to be, a woman. That sense of being felt genuine and real whereas my previous days of gloom felt contrite as if that part of me I let go was just rattling his sabre one more time.


Cheers

Marcelle

[Mirya]

I think moments of doubt can be expected, but if you are constantly harboring these doubts and fears, maybe your mind is trying to tell you something, and you should reconsider your decision to transition. Especially when you're amongst transgender friends, it is really easy to find yourself surrounded by cheerleaders who will encourage you to keep going - even when it feels wrong. That's what I like about these forums - there is a lot less hugboxing than some other online communities.

You must be very honest with yourself about why you need to transition, and whether it will meet your hopes and expectations for the rest of your life - and at 39, you still have a long life ahead of you.

As for me, I have never had any serious doubts about my decision to transition once I realized who I am. While it took me several months of experimenting and therapy to realize my true identity as a female, once I understood it, nothing else mattered. I do not put much value on my old life and in particular my old relationships - those relationships were formed under a false pretense under a fake identity as a man. None of it was real. If those people from my past life will now accept me unconditionally as a woman, then I will continue to treasure those relationships, but if they don't, then I don't care. I have no interest in people who only care about the least authentic part of my life.

So my advice is to 'let it go' - separate from your past so you can live your true life as a woman. And if you're genuinely and consistently struggling to let it go - then be realistic and listen to your heart. Maybe a full physical and social transition is not the best path for you.

[Megan G]

I have to agree with Mirya,

WTF moments or doubts are going to pop up from time to time, especially in the beginning. God knows I had my fair share of them back then. But you have to listen to your heart..... when I had the occasional doubt/wtf moment pop up I just relied on what my heart was telling me, every step I took, every hurdle I crossed just felt so right and I could tell that I was on the path to who I always was internally. Sure I had moments of doubt or concern but they passed quickly..

If your experiencing a lot of these moments/doubts and are concerned that this may be a mistake or not quite the right path for you then it's time to re-evaluate what it is that you may need. Something brought you to transition but you may not be TS...maybe your somewhere else on the spectrum and transition would be wrong....

Only advice I will give is not to dwell on a vision that you may have in your head because that might let you down in the end. Concentrate on finding out who you truly are.... when I started down this road my spouse and I had a long chat and I explained to her that I felt that I needed to transition fully but was going to take it step by step until I found a place that I was comfortable with who I was and then I would stop there. So there was a pause after each step to allow me to get my footing and some time to see if I was happy and if dysphoria was gone.

[JanePeterson]

Could you live in a world where you don't transition?

[jentay1367]

That's really it, isn't it? Cuz' if I could do what Jane asks? I'd do it. But I can't. So I have no doubts. This is a hard path. If after you've walked it while actively transitioning and still can't answer the question, then Mirya's point should be heeded.
You're very early into this journey. This is so all encompassing, you simply have to be trans to complete the journey. Just keep moving forward and your question will either become muted...or a din. All will be revealed with time if you continue on the path with any kind of fervor. It's just too difficult for someone not meant to do this to have your truth not present itself.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i never had doubts once i started except for one WTF AM I DOING???? moment at a friends house...i just lost it... but that passed...
I had somewhere in the neighboorhood of 10 billion doubts before that point..

starting HRT is not transition and i know its hard to define a date when transition starts sometimes...but when you think of it, its not really neccessary to set a date for that and instead set dates of milestones...HRT being an important one

if your doubts last, and your transition continues, life will "inform" you of your path and you are best served to kind of let that happen... so let the doubts pass through, and do your thing...you'll know..

.but you have to be patient and you have to use your support system to get through ups and downs while you figure it out..

two weeks into my HRT i was obsessing over my breasts and felt kind of euphoric..it was about 6 months in and i was dressing socializing whenever i could and planning to tell work...thats when the big moment of doubt hit me

[AlyssaJ]

Thanks everyone for the thoughts, they were truly helpful and in some cases even challenged me to really evaluate myself and my choices. Jane, your question in particular is the one I keep coming back to. I finally made the decision to transition after asking myself where I'd be in 5 years if I transitioned versus if I didn't. The answer to the latter was simply, I didn't believe I'd be alive to see 5 years. So I keep revisiting that and remembering why I'm doing this and what it was like before I started.

Just got back from service at my church. After two weeks away, being among all those people who are so caring and affirming really settled me back into reality. I felt calmer, happier and just more myself being among them as Alyssa. I know this is the path I need to follow. I think the doubts I've felt the past couple weeks are created from the emotions of the changes occurring in my marriage. As I look at the doubts I was feeling they really all seemed to center around "Have I really considered what I'm giving up" and "Can I leave that life behind". The fact is I can't stay in that life and expect to be around much longer.

Thank you all again, your help and willingness to be candid really means a lot.

[Julie77]

This is a great thread. Thanks ladies.

[Patty B.]

As one who turned 21 in 1973, having no information on anything of real value, I buried me and eventually got married and had children. Thinking it goes away once you do this.
I've known since the age of 4, and now at the age of 64, regretting not transitioning in the 70's was a big mistake. There are no do over's, only regrets so as one post so aptly stated follow your heart, because if you do transition and regret it as some have done, at least you will know. Or, you will achieve happiness that otherwise you would never have known. It is your journey, a journey of discovery and follow your heart. Best Wishes Patty B.

[Rachel Smith]

Doubts are as common as blades of grass. To deal with that i think about my life before. The depression and apathy. I think about my quality of life as a male and realize i could never do that again.

This and Kaitlyn's post are the ones that stood out most to me.

As for myself there were some serious doubts before I started HRT and some not so serious after starting HRT. I just felt so much better mentally after starting HRT that I knew there was no way I could un-turn the screw. For the first time in my life I felt OK about me and still do I might add.