A different problem with DADT

[Sometimes Steffi]

I used to do my own laundry all the time until I got stuck with a 1 hour commute each way. My wife does my laundry now.

When I got home tonight, my clean laundry (socks and PJs) was on my bed, along with a pair of women's GV Amanda jeans in size 12. Now size 12 happens to be my usual size in women's jeans, and she usually wears a size 14. So, I was wondering if she got a size too small in jeans and she was gifting these to me, or if she's come down a size in jeans and just "misfiled" them.

She's never seen me dressed, not even in a photo, and doesn't know what sizes I wear, unless she's been snooping.

Of course, she did work in women's retail clothing for 15 years or so a long time ago, and could still probably size me by sight

Hmmm. How do I ask about the jeans without violating DADT?

[lingerieLiz]

Not really anyway to skip the question. About the only thing you can say is who's jeans. As though you haven't checked them out. Or put them in your closet and if she asks about her jeans then you know. Or just do as my wife does if she likes something of mine, just appropriate them. In my case it is blouses. She is very top heavy and I'm a C cup so we wear the same size in most blouses.

[Teresa]

Steffi,
It sounds like a case of a little snooping, but she could tell your size from your male dimensions, most outlets give dress size with a table of corresponding measurements , but it is a puzzle why women's jeans should appear with your laundry when you're in a DADT situation.

I'm wondering what my wife would leave me out in the same circumstances, although a cardigan sometimes appears with the comment , " If it fits you can have it !"

[Stephanie47]

"Don't ask, don't tell" does not mean you cannot ask a question if necessary. On occasion my wife has found a pair of panties or a bra I failed to put away. All she does is fold the garment, put it on top of the washing machine, and, tell me it's there. No big discussion ensues. Maybe this is the opportunity to start talking and progress out of DADT.

[Sandin Meknickers]

Put them away and forget about them . Don't wear them until dhes had a chance to claim them. In these awful sounding dadt situations, do you girls behave sub intentionally. Is good in some cases?

[Teresa]

Sandin,
To some DADT is a good working arrangement, to me long term it's destructive, it's not good to live with someone and having to withhold so much of your life, I asked a while ago about how other members felt about living a double life, even my wife asked me on one occasion. I couldn't believe she asked me that when she's the one that chooses not to talk about it .
The frustration is she only wants the man she married but she still has him she just didn't know at the time that there was another side to me , at the time I didn't appreciate that either , in some respects she not being honest to herself, and won't allow me to be so we live a compromised lifestyle.

[Sandin Meknickers]

You opened with "good working relationship" and ended with "compromised lifestyle". They sound mutually exclusive to me. She's just not that into you springs to mind haha.

Is it dependancy that keeps you together? Companionship? Do you secretly enjoy being submissive? I've met people living similarly lop sided hetero relationships. Most people advise them to move on. Find love. It's probably just sentimentality that keeps you together. I always find sentimentality mournful.

[Heidi Stevens]

Maybe we need a new term, Sometimes Ask, Sometimes Tell or SAST. I consider my relationship with my wife about the subject closer to this model. We do talk about things Heidi from time to time, so it's not totally in the dark that traditional DADT would be. So Steffi, go ahead and just ask who's jeans are laying on the bed.

[Allisa]

Why not just wear them and see what(or if)she says anything. They were in your pile after all.

[Sandin Meknickers]

As a parent, I wouldn't want my kids self harming in a dadt or sast relationship so wouldn't demonstrate it or risk coming out in the worst possible way.

[phili]

Women tend to be very knowledgeable about clothing and very clear about what is where in the house, so I think it was an opening- a gift, and you should reward her by thanking her! If it was a mistake she may feel badly that you trusted her, but that is much better than her gift disappearing into the SILENCE.

[IleneD]

Steffi,

Even in my own DADT, the laundry and panties are fair game for discussion.
There's often a question, when we fold the clothes, about "Who's panties are these? Yours or mine?".
I laugh every time we do it; just the though of "arguing" over such a thing is quite hilarious.

Just go try on the jeans, dear. Be a "girl" about it.

BTW... I haven't the heart to tell her that her panties are the larger ones. That's how I tell.

[Teresa]

Sandin,
I've heard all this before, I have 42 years of marriage two grown up kids and three grandchildren plus an 88 year old mother , you don't just shrug your shoulders and walk out, no I'm not submissive I'm trying to live up to my responsibilities . I have been accused of being a coward by some members and courageous by others , to me it's sitting on the CDers fence either way you go is partly a no win situation . Don't forget you're talking to someone nearly twice your age and with a daughter and son older than you, maybe give that some thought before being too flippant .

[docrobbysherry]

She's your SO, Steffi. U know her better than we do!

I think you'll know the rite thing to do. Better than our guesses, anyway!

[Sandin Meknickers]

Sorry Teresa, being wrong is ageless. You don't get to pull rank with age.

[Laura912]

Steffi, some good suggestions above if the snark is ignored. What about the simple question, "Are these your jeans?"

[CD Rachel]

Sandin,
I think that she is referring to experience rather than age. When I turned 16 i thought that I knew everything, at 18 I knew that I knew every thing, by 25 I realized that I was an idiot and was not learning anything because I believed that I was always right. In most cases (not all) with age comes wisdom. no disrespect intended please do not take this as such. This has just been my experience. YMMV

Rachel

[Teresa]

Sandin,
That's OK, it doesn't get any easier with age , the little voices in our head get louder telling us we're getting too old for all this and that hemline is way too short and many other things. Maybe some of the things you're saying now are probably what my son might like to tell me, as for my daughter she's way too supportive to give me a hard time, I'm not really grouchy !!

[Sandin Meknickers]

Experience has mostly taught me that self degradation is more harmful than that imposed by others. Not sure what your experiences are but I've recieved the attention of some of the worst of humanity and have little respect for social ability or morality. Many of the threads on here are recurring agonies. Doctor, it hurts when I do this...

[Alice B]

By all means ask

[Allisa]

Once again the discussion got off subject of the OP about jeans at large and their meaning. Lets stop stealing threads.

[Teresa]

Sandin,
We have to learn from that and try to become a better person. Both my wife and I had fathers who drank heavily and were bullies I always vowed I would do the opposite and be as good a father as I could be. I'm not perfect but at least my children still think enough of me to stand by me now I have the need to finally come out .
I was a self employed photographer for thirty years you have to try and find the best in people to succeed , yes people can hurt, I try and see it now that they have more of a problem than I do, often that gut instinct is correct .

Try not to see members with recurring agonies they are here to find a way through, when I first joined I was on a rollercoaster ride, believe me through the forum my situation has improved , OK I want more but that's the nature of CDing, it keeps pushing until we find a balance .

Sorry Lisa you are correct , maybe I should have started a fresh thread .

[Sandin Meknickers]

My bad. Just wear the jeans.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Try a simple "Are these your jeans ?"
The refferee's here rule No violation of DADT after all play was initiated by the opposing team.

[Dana44]

Who knows, they might be a gift from her. I would definitely point that out to her and ask.