Relationships and SO's and all..

[Judy-Somthing]

Right now I wish I didn't tell her the whole story last month.
I figured no more secrets. Well it didn't go well.
Thing seem to be getting better this week talking about retirement together.
I haven't thought of dressing in two months.
Then last night she went back into anger mode and said I ruined her life.

[Becky Blue]

Judy, thanks for sharing your story and giving another side to the debate. In general people are quick to report success and somewhat less enthusiastic to report when things don't go to well. Its important to everyone to understand that there is no right or wrong answer each relationship is unique and each dynamic different.

[ReineD]

Re the first part of your response ... you've shared the story of your past many times before, but what's important is how you want to live your live from this day forward. What would make you happy, in a practical sense given what you are and are not prepared to give up. So I think you've answered it here?

Secondly the middle means at times I want to be a woman at other times I am ok being a guy.

OK then. Your description fits just about every other member here, save for the TSs who want to transition. You can choose which label you want to assign to yourself, but this would mean explaining to your wife how that label translates to practical, day-to-day life. So you want to continue to be her husband, who presents as a woman occasionally?

Inside I think my brain is more F than M and always has been,

But, how does one know that a brain is male or female. Seriously. There are studies that show some female brains are a little more of this and some male brains are a little more of that, but there is a wide range and also people who fall outside of that range (for example, a woman who identifies as a woman but who doesn't want children, or a man who identifies as a man but who hates sports or other typically manly pursuits). Overall, males and females do share intellectual abilities, personality traits, the emotions they experience, etc.

If, on the other hand, you're describing a level of satisfaction when presenting as Becky, I dare say you're like the vast majority of members here, no matter what label they choose to define themselves.

but the main overriding thing is that I can cope (and be happy) at this stage with feeling the way i do. I don't need to dress up to feel that way. Often I feel I would love to take hormones, love to remove all my body hair permanently ((Curses me to have a wife who likes her males with body hair) I have had IPL on my face and back) but I also love my wife and am not prepared to ruin her life if I can be happy with my duality.

Sorry if this is harsh, but eventually you will need to take responsibility for your decisions to not transition and stop telling yourself that if it weren't for your wife, you'd be taking hormones. Are you quite sure about taking hormones (enough to transition?) if you were single, or is this something that is pleasurable or satisfying to imagine. Shaving is another thing though, and this might be something to work on eventually. Keep in mind though, that the idea that women should be hairless is a fairly new social construct. Women do have underarm and leg hair too (some are hairier than others), which they didn't shave for thousands of years.

Back to hormones, if you were single, would you for sure embark on a program of physical transition? Or, do you think you might wish to retain your male sexual functioning and your ability to switch back and forth for whatever reason ... for your job, your kids, some of your social obligations, a prospective dating pool if you wanted to be in a relationship, not having to put so much effort into your presentation each time you go out, or any other reasons that might apply if these don't.

So in other words, if you are contemplating telling your wife, I think she would be more interested in hearing how your decisions would affect your day-to-day lives (what you want to DO) rather than how you personally define masculinity and femininity, given there is such a huge range among both genders in how these qualities or conditions materialize. If she wants to know why you experience satisfaction out of presenting as Becky, you can tell her that you just do and that explaining this is as difficult as your wife explaining to you, why she prefers her favorite color, or why a certain food happens to be her favorite. They just are. Keep things simple.

[Becky Blue]

Reine, no need to apologise about being harsh, as I said in my OP I am tough.

Firstly the main reason i talk about the past is because I felt a certain way and then for some unknown reason that feeling left me. That in itself is always going to be a telling factor in whatever i do going forward as maybe how I feel will change again.

Secondly, perhaps I did not explain myself clearly enough or you are interpreting what i said slightly incorrectly. So i will try clarify here. I am not holding back from taking hormones or transitioning because of my wife. I am holding back because I do not feel that way all the time.

Reine, no one can tell a person how they feel, when I say I feel more female inside than male, its not a clinical definition, its a feeling... it is impossible for someone who does not have any gender issues to ever understand what i mean by that. But many on here will understand. Gender never leaves me I am aware of it all day everyday, every time I see a woman, a picture, a sign, a shop, a newspaper, anything it is always there.

When I lost Becky for 3 years for that whole period of time, I was unaware of my gender, i was just a person living my life. Now I am again that duality.

The key for me unlike many is that I am living a happy life and the fact that I am somewhere on the gender continuum is a source of joy not of pain. It is lucky for me that I have a great marriage and a good job and that enables me to live happily.

To answer your question if I were single and I will add financially independent what would I do? Would I take hormones? Maybe. Would I want to transition? Perhaps, Do I want to maintain my male sexual functions? No - totally irrelevant to me. Why maybe and probably? well as i said in my earlier post AT TIMES I feel like.... not all the time.

In the simplest of terms I don't know or care what definition i fall under, I know how I feel and I know I am happy with how I feel. That does not mean at times I want more, but that could apply to chocolate or money or a great red wine.

I am not considering telling my wife more at this stage because I see no benefit to her of knowing or to me of telling. I hope the above makes some sense to me. I feel you are trying to simplify a very complex area into a binary a person is either a CD or TS who needs to transition... I have been both on the same day