Hi everyone,
Long-time (35+ years) CDer here. Sorry, I haven't posted in a long while. I feel guilty for lurking and reading forum postings, but not contributing as much as I would like. Being in the midst of a slow-motion move back to NYC, while putting in a lot of hours re-igniting a previous career there, have been tiring. On top of that, being a new empty nester takes some getting used to. But all of these events have triggered and opened up a lot of (positive) change in my life. Over time, I would to share and post about experiences that I hope can help others here in some way.
Synopsis -- having gotten tired of suppressing (all sides of) who I am, and feeling bad about keeping secrets from my wife of almost 25 years, I took the plunge and came out to her once and for all, last year. Had our ups and downs, a lot of educating (myself included), reassurances, communication, overcoming the pink fog (several times), coming to an understanding an accepting that works for both of us. I never though it possible, but we're actually a stronger couple and team more than ever before, after my pillow talk reveal. She admitted that she kind of suspected now and then that something was up, but never went anywhere with it.
(No matter how careful you think you are in hiding or putting things back, there's always some little detail that you will miss. GG's/SO's must have some kind of ESP superpower that apparently lets them detect even the slightest changes in physical placement of clothes and personal effects in the bedroom. And don't borrow your SO's clothes, especially if you are not the same size. Or their jewelry and makeup without permission.)
In time, I finally got to have my own closet and drawer space. With her eventual blessing and support, I moved on to going out fully dressed in public -- Amsterdam, San Francisco, New York. The big, yet mundane conclusion: if you’re not hurting anyone or calling attention to yourself, most people are too busy or absorbed in their own world to care.
And now, a great day today while upstate (NY) for the week. Inspired by some recent successes and the weather -- sunny and clear -- I got dressed, went outside, ran some errands and while coming home, decided to come out to another next door neighbor who had pulled into the parallel driveway shortly after I arrived. (Who himself had a quite a journey, came out as gay after decades of marriage). My CD/trans journey is different, but it was great to have discussed common challenges, impact on relationships, and feel accepted and supported when I'm up here.
This follows my last visit when I gathered up the courage and visited my other neighbor to introduce my femme self. Granted she’s an ultra-liberal college professor whom we’ve known for years and are like family, but you never know how people react. Strangers in a city are one thing, but it seems different with those close to us. I guess it's because for me, there was the possibility of personal rejection and loss of close friendship. After her initial shock and surprise wore off, an embrace, support and acceptance which I really appreciated. And got a laugh when she asked me -of all people - for makeup tips. But the biggest gift of all, no more secrets and sneaking around. I may not even want or need to go out dressed by my house here, but knowing that I could do so without fear or shame if I wanted to, is enormous. I realize the biggest barrier was my own fear and insecurity. Next is her husband and my other next door neighbor.
And in another first...when I told my awesome wife about today's event, she said I could come to her workplace as Amanda if I wanted, to pick her up at the end of her shift. Not a small thing for a small upstate city/town! If someone had told me even 18 months ago that this would happen, I would have rolled my eyes and laughed them off. Yet here I am. Quite a journey. I know others may not have reached this milestone, but for those who are feeling down, discouraged, or in a DADT seventh circle of hell, please don't give up. Be true to yourself however you can. I know I am lucky in so many ways, yet it took a lot of self-reflection and work to get there. And confidence. When I started believing it was ok, it became ok. And gave me the strength to not care about the inevitable snickers or double-takes from others.
Sorry for the ramble…though it's a work in progress that has yet to fully unfold, after all these years of hiding and self-doubt, it’s something I just wanted to share with others.
Have a great evening and week!
Now if I could only find some decent, appropriate eyeglass frames! (pics attached)
Originally Posted by Alice B
