How do you deal with major life changes??

[Paula2]

I have a wonderful SO who accepts me and supports me!! I don't want to lose her!! We both worked at the same employer and they are closing our factory..She has already lost her job and cannot maintain her household any longer..I still have a permanent employment "for now"..We have been compelled to combined households and I can no longer be Paula anytime time soon..She has a child..And my "behavior" is complicating things..Why is it so wrong for us to just be ourselves?? I hate having to live Two Lives!!

It is sad that this is what so many of us have to do just to keep and maintain our relationships!!!

"The things we do for Love"

Thanx for your help, Paula

[lingerieLiz]

Most all people make compromises for love. I have and my wife has.

[Sometimes Steffi]

My first thought is that if she supports you, why can't her child understand and accept gender variance. I have a friend (on the board) who has two young children. at least the older child knows that she dresses, at least for charity shows. Maybe my friend on the board will see this thread ans respond.

I have a CD friend who has two young children. Her wife takes the kids out for pizza so my friend can get dressed and out of the house without the children finding out. Wouldn't that be a possibility, whether you stay in or go out?

[Paula2]

I would love to be honest with her daughter..It would make things so much simpler!! But I am not her real Father...She loves her real Father... I am just starting to establish a relationship with her and she wants very little from me...Her Father will come back when he is done with his assignment..hopefully in 18 to 24 months...
How do you tell a child you are a "CROSSDRESSER" ???

[Eva Bella]

I haven't personally done this, but I know quite a few people who have. Seems to go one of two ways:

1) I'm a crossdresser, this is something that I do for fun and relaxation. The good: it's seems minimal and not a big deal. The bad: it may appear deviant, and by calling it a hobby, that implies that you can drop it and suppress it if you want. Doesn't seem to work that way most of the times.

2) I'm genderfluid or transgender. This is more serious and it sounds non-optional. The good: your dressing is more justified as self-expression, and saying "I feel partially female" is more compelling (I think) than "I like to wear womens clothing." The bad: can scare people off completely, and many SO's will be anxious that you'll take it further someday.

Guess that you have to decide which one is better. I've heard that (2) tends to work better with children, but that's just in my circle.

[Teresa]

Paula,
I know all about living the double life, it is possible , I'm afraid it does mean withholding things until we find the right time to break the news. I have to accept that what I have now is as good as it gets.

[alwayshave]

Paula, I feel your pain. My SO's adult daughter, who is bi-polar, has been living with us on and off for almost a year. During this period I have had to curtail my dressing. I know she is an adult, but due to her mental issues she often lashes out. I know my dressing would be fodder for that, so I don't do it in front of her. We all make sacrifices for those we love.

[Lana Mae]

Read somewhere(maybe here): A child asked why is that man wearing women's clothes? (Child was with her mother) The crossdresser turned around and said to the child, I was born in a boy's body but with a girl's brain! The mother looked at the crossdresser smiled and sighed as if to say thank you! Enough said! Hugs Lana Mae Best wishes for a good outcome!

[Maria 60]

The hard part for you is that you had a lot of time but now it's all wiped away. I'm sitting here dying to get dressed, but my kids are home and I can't, and the sad part is I don't know when the next time will be. But I do enjoy underdressing , I am wearing panties and pantyhose, when it's all you can do I guess it's better then nothing. I always wondered how my kids would react if I told them, but it wouldn't solve nothing because I believe it would feel weird dressing in front of them.
We drive on a very bumpy road, we try to picture it smooth but there are a lot of pot holes. We just have to be patient and make smart choices and compermise to each other. Hang in there most of us here know exactly what your going threw, it's frustrating and nerve racking but there's always worse things in life.

[NancySue]

Your first sentence tells all and is fantastic...I know....my wife knows, accepts and supports me. I can't tell you how fortunate you are. You've read enough threads about DADT, rejection, control. etc. We've talked many time about telling the kids, but chose not to...conservative mid west, small nosy town, etc.
We just made it work. We found the time. Granted it wasn't as often as I/we wanted...a lot of underneath. Kids are now gone and, yes, I'm making up for lost time. Yes, the things we do for love. Your SO is a keeper. Take care of her. Best,

[kimdl93]

Combining households because of a layoff isn't ideal, but sooner or later most couples want to be together, right? So, with that comes some pretty major life adjustments. In your case, you have her support and that's worth so much, regardless of when you're able to openly express yourself. Given time and working together, the two of you can come up with any number of work-arounds to accommodate her child.

[Joyce Swindell]

I have a very similar situation where my wife's adult children and grandson are living with us. We decided to let them stay with us due to circumstances that required us to do what was best for family....and I am good with that and encouraged it. My cross-dressing was never even a consideration under the circumstances and I am guessing it wasn't a big part of your decision either. It's been over a year and when they had moved in we were in a cramped little place but made due. We moved about 4 months ago and are now in a much larger place which helps allot. We are at opposite ends of the house from each other and it is working out. However Joyce screams to get out anyway...so we make up a reason to have a monthly meeting where we stay away a night and go to a local CD club meeting. We use my business as an excuse so no one asks any questions. If we can't afford it or have other things going on that we can't make the "meeting" then I endure and look forward to the next opportunity to escape!

Good luck...hope there is something in all of this that can help.

Joyce

[TrishaTX]

well my advice is to discuss with your SO when you can dress if you move in together. I think you are doing the right thing but she has to understand as well. On the subject of the child, I would not say a thing, I am not sure the age, but that is her Mom's decision.

[Paula2]

I would like to thank all of you for your suggestions and support..
We did talk about it and both agree that we should wait until her daughter has time to adjust to what happened and gets comfortable in her new home..
As a good note it will give me time to develop a relationship with her and hopefully fill a portion of the gap she has been left with..
We did discuss waiting until Halloween maybe??
Last year my SO and I were in Gatlinburg TN during Halloween.. A beautiful city by the way.. We spent the day together touring museum's and the city as "Renaissance Princesses" We both had a wonderful time!!
It could be a way to gauge her daughter's reaction under a "controlled" environment.. It's actually the way I broke the ice with my SO 2yrs ago just before we ever went on our first date..
What do you think??

Best Wishes and Thanks. Paula

[Territx]

It sounds like you have a good approach lined out and the "Halloween " idea is great -- I suspect a lot of us have used a variation of that idea. I did not see if you said how old the girl is, but you might see if she would like to help pick out your "costume theme" (maybe something that goes together with her mother's costume -- Elsa & Anna) and then the "costume" itself -- it might help your effort to establish a dialogue with her, that could eventually lead to a more open discussion.

[Paula2]

She is a beautiful.. Well mannered.. Polite.. 10yr old girl :-)

[Stephanie47]

But I am not her real Father...She loves her real Father and wants very little to do with me ..Her Father will come back when he is done with his assignment..hopefully in 18 mths...

I did not catch the age of the daughter. There's a world of difference in comprehension and understanding between a six year old and a sixteen year old. If you do decide to bring Paula out of the closet and expose a young girl to Paula, how is the child's father going to react? Or react from long range before he returns? I can see where you and your girl friend may be headed for a confrontation with a not so agreeable father.

I think it is fairly evident from the threads and comments on this site the vast majority of men who like to wear women's clothing make some accommodations with their wives, family and friends. I think, realistically, privacy may be a better way to go rather than exposing a young girl to potential turmoil.

[Paula2]

Thanks Stephanie.

You bring up a very good point that I really did not give too much thought to.

I also thank you for quoting my text. I worded that very poorly and will try to correct it if I can. It bothers me now.

Her daughter does love her father deeply!

We do have a good base relationship started. We go for walks, I have taken her to an event, she will hold my hand if we are in a parking lot or on the street, I help her with her homework, Every morning before I go to work I leave her a note and every day when I get home I find one...I need to continue to work on it. I am just not use to children

Either way. thank you for helping me.. Best Wishes, Paula

[Jessica May]

Hey Paula,
Sound like you are working towards a great relationship with your SO's daughter. Its great that you are considering all of the possibilities in a cause and effect scenario like this. It seems like there have been some great suggestions already and your taking the time to do this and think through it sounds like you really have the interests of her daughter at heart. As long as you keep the waves of communication open with your SO I think you can approach it delicately as time goes on. Being a "step parent" can be hardest of all. It's hard to gain the love and trust of a child who has a parent already that they care about deeply. It definitely sounds like you are making great strides towards it already. Hope all is well

All the best,
Jess

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Stephanie's response is right on target. I hope you find the time to enjoy being a girl as the joy is immeasurable.

[JamieG]

I'm coming a little late to this, but I have two daughters around that age: one is 11 and the other is 8. Deciding whether to come out to a child is a tough call, and you'll find discussions of the pros and cons on other threads. My wife and I have agreed that, for now, we would not tell our children. However, she originally agreed to take them out of the house periodically so I would have some time to dress. I would also once every few months go to a TG support group meeting where I would change on premises. I would thow my stuff in a gym bag and we would simply tell the kids I was going to meet with friends. That worked well for many years, but unfortunately, our schedules have made that difficult lately. We have always raised them to be accepting of people who are different from them, and they are aware of, and have met LGBT people who are friends of ours. That should make coming out, if and when it happens, easier. My daughters also know that I am not afraid of women's clothing: they have seen me as a cheerleader one Halloween, and know that I have performed in a few drag shows for charity. It turns out that the older one is a huge fan of RuPaul's drag race now. I don't know if that is my fault, or if she would have gravitated that way on her own. I suppose you could say that we have found a middle ground between telling and not telling.

As a step-parent, I think you have additional challenges. It is good to hear that you are focusing on building up a relationship first. I think testing the waters on Halloween would be a good idea. As for coming out: you should consider what might happen if she tells her biological father? Will he be okay with it, or will he use it as an excuse to try and gain custody of her? In the end, you SOs thoughts on the when and how should outweigh your own.