Telling Male Friends vs Female Friends

[Eva Bella]

Hey everyone,

I've been pretty out with my gender fluidity and I'm working to get more comfortable with telling people about it. My SO, most of her friends, a few of my friends, and a few of my family members know. I've told strangers when it's relevant too (workers at Sephora, Nail Salons, etc).

I try to keep it easygoing and just tell them that I enjoy expressing my feminine side and presenting as a female a few days a week. I don't make it a big deal and will show them pics if they're interested.

I have noticed a trend though. Every female friend and family member has reacted REALLY well. Very supportive, very happy, and curious. I've had a lot of fun GNO's with them and we all get along great. But I've gotten a uniformly cold response from my male friends. These are pretty progressive guys.. one of them is bisexual, the others are super liberal. They don't have any issues with the LGBT community as I would ever know. But they've become really distant after I tell them.

Has this happened to anyone else? I'm wondering if there's a way to tell them which avoids this, but maybe it's inevitable. Not the end of the world as I have a ton of new friends "in the scene."

[Dana44]

Females seem to be far more accepting. Men seem tor not taking to us after they find out. But a few will.

[Teresa]

Eva,
Many men have hidden secrets or thoughts they can't come to terms with, when you tell them it's slightly scary that they may be found out or admit that to their own problems. I'm afraid we're back the scenario of what society expects of a man.

Most of the people that know about me are women and not one has turned their back on me , in fact I have more female friends now than I ever had before I came out, they love my pictures and talking about clothes with me.

[SometimesKairi]

In my experience, men are mostly reactive and keen to keep up the appearances of masculinity.
Me man, me smash Tokyo kinda thing.

So when a male friend tells them that they have been dressing they panic because they can't rationalise it.
Their immediate though (remember only from my experiences) is that this person is gay.
A LOT of men I know are very homophobic.

[Tama]

"Me man, me smash Tokyo kinda thing."

HAHAHA good one, too funny...whoops, ok going now Thanks!

[Leslie Mary S]

here abouts, so many males don't even want to think of themselves in a dress, even if it is a sack dress and part of a special staged skit, let alone even trying on that dress. They are afraid their male friends will tease them to no end for doing it.
I wonder what they would do if their SO said something like "Honey, would you put on a dress and do that skit to show me that you love me?"

[bridget thronton]

I have not told any males (except my son and son in law) but I have several female friends who know and all are accepting

[Tama]

Kidding aside, I have only Females who know the truth...Can't think of any men I wouldn't have a problem with...shame ain't it?

[Sandin Meknickers]

I wouldn't be surprised if some take a while to adjust. People are hipocrites- not to say they are bad. Just we all feel for the homeless but few of us take them in. Some of us will give a little change maybe, a token.

Also, I think you're naive if you think your "secret" is kept by all those you have told.

[Kiwi Primrose]

Similar experience here. My son and my female family and friends are interested, supportive and even give me presents of earrings and perfume. Men don't want to know.

[Sandin Meknickers]

Is this something we expect other people to want/need to know?

[Aunt Kelly]

This is an interesting question. My theory is that it's not so much the nature of the revelation as it is the revelation itself. Sharing something so profound and personal is a serious breach of guy protocol. We just don't do that. Add to that the obvious issues homophobia and such, and it's easy to see such a revelation putting a chill on most inter-guy relationships.

[Rogina B]

Hey everyone,

But they've become really distant after I tell them.

Has this happened to anyone else? I'm wondering if there's a way to tell them which avoids this, but maybe it's inevitable. Not the end of the world as I have a ton of new friends "in the scene."

It is "their problem",not yours. And many of those guys would be chasing your butt down Hollywood Blvd based on your FB picture posts ! Phobia is what holds acceptance back. Most men are "uncomfortable" with us because most men have never given "gender" a moment of thought.

[Beverley Sims]

I have always wondered whether girls are inviting you into the fold and guys are jealous of how good you look as a girl. :-)

You do need to think this one out.

[alwayshave]

I have many male friends, while there are many who would be accepting..... However, I'm generally a private person, so no need to tell.

[Tracii G]

To say one is more accepting than the other is foolish.
I have found women that will be disgusted and call you names and guys as well but there have been stories here of telling an old guy friend and they accept it.
Gender makes no difference in the accepting its the person and their inner bigotry that does make a difference.
So if you decide to tell be ready to get accepted or told you are a sick pervert. 50/50 chance and the person you tell their gender has nothing to do with it.

[sometimes_miss]

Is this something we expect other people to want/need to know?

We simply wish to be able to speak to others about things that trouble us, without being treated like lepers after we give up the knowledge about what we do. I don't want/need to know that my friend had erectile dysfunction, but when the topic came up at the lodge, I'm sure he expected me to accept that it didn't make him less of a man just because the parts don't work as well as they used to.
Since the Caitlyn Jenner revelation, it's become common knowledge that even the most successful males might be not entirely straight, which has caused a lot of men to question their own sexuality, whether they will admit it to anyone else, or not.
If they are truly our friends, and if it's something that's bothering us, then yes, they do need to know. I've never turned my back on a friend with any type of problem, and it upsets me that I can't bring this up because my friends are all ignorant right wing homophobes who would hate me if they knew that I'm a crossdresser. I understand it's because of how they were brought up, and during what era; that doesn't mean that I have to like it.

[SometimesKairi]

I have always wondered whether girls are inviting you into the fold and guys are jealous of how good you look as a girl. :-)

You do need to think this one out.

My GG friends are VERY jealous of my legs. They've been asking just how I do it.
I don't know. I work on my feet and walk a lot I guess
More accepting? In general I think so, especially younger girls who grew up around gender equality

[Amanda Monica]

Teresa,
You hit the nail on the head. Many men may be supportive in general, but it's different when it hits close to home. I'm guessing unresolved issues for some. And not knowing which "box" to put us in, especially if we present as a woman, but are not attracted to men. Yet if they find our appearance attractive, what "box" does that put them in? It's confusing enough for me, I can imagine for them.

[kimdl93]

telling others...or just being seen... is unavoidable if one wishes to live openly.

in my personal experience most strangers have no problem, probably because they have nothing invested in a relationship. Female friends have been the easiest again, I suppose because they don't lose anything. Male friends do seem more perplexed.

[Amanda Monica]

Eva Bella,
It is an interesting question. Some amateur psychologist thoughts...I think part of it relates to socialization, which we all go through and forms us at an early age. I can only speak for myself, but back in ancient times, the public appearance (let alone acceptance) of a crossdressing M2F, would have been on par with the Loch Ness monster. So no experience, no paradigm, with anything other than the classic binary. I'm guess the other part may be related to the length and nature of our relationship with (already-existing) male friends. If you've spent years, or maybe decades, relating to each other as nothing other than a "typical" male, and all of sudden your friend announces that he will now be presenting as a she, what does that mean to both of you, if anything. There's an aspect of status too. Let's face it, we (as) males don't want to be teased by other guys. So it's easier to simply avoid the new relationship pothole by driving along a distant road than have to do the work of resolving the new information with our own psyche, and as Teresa mentioned earlier, their own unresolved identity/sexuality issues. Perhaps an opportunity for education.

Interesting timing on the question actually, since I will be putting your question to the test. I have been coming out all week to my immediate neighbors. Which has given me enough confidence to come out to an old best (male) friend when we meet for lunch next week. We've know each for decades since teen years, almost as long as I have been CDing. Grew up in the same close-knit community, we've traveled chased girls together, he was best man at my wedding, etc. I have in my favor that he's a very liberal guy, but can sometimes be rigid personally. So it will be an interesting lunch, since this will be coming out of the blue. If he really will have a problem with my revelation, then it's likely that he has some issues and not me. Wouldn't want to lose him as a long-time friend, but it's time to be me.

Back to your post...I'm making new friends as well, so that rather compensates for any potential loss.

[barbara gordon]

Hi Eva.
I started telling more and more people and the reaction has mostly been good . But i do use a slower approach to telling male friends vs female friends for the exact reason that you describe . I have been outing my self very slowly and carefully.
Meeting new female friends i am more likely to just tell them in very casual terms . If they see that i am comfortable with it then they will likely be comfortable with it too . Also it is true that most People really cant keep secrets . Especially with this type of info . Male friends might be more accepting if they see gg friends to be accepting . In a way its possible to let your girlfriends do some of the talking and introducing of the idea of crossdressing to the men who dont get it.

[Stacy Darling]

I could be seen as being sexist but I'm Female friendly when it comes to talking to people about my dressing.

My doctor and health care professionals know that I am more comfortable around women and will open up to women more than men.(unless the male is bi or gay and obviously here I sit talking with other crossdressers!)

Just the way I've always been, Just me!
Stacy!

[daenna]

I have shared with a few female friends and my doc (who is also female) ...but ... I can't even imagine sharing with any male friends.

[Eva Bella]

Thanks so much for all of the responses everyone! Great to know that I'm not the only one feeling this:

I wouldn't be surprised if some take a while to adjust. People are hipocrites- not to say they are bad. Just we all feel for the homeless but few of us take them in. Some of us will give a little change maybe, a token.

Also, I think you're naive if you think your "secret" is kept by all those you have told.

I think that you're right, it may just take some time. And no, I'm not really expecting any of them to keep the secret. It's pretty much not a secret. I don't announce it to anyone, but I'm not ashamed in any way, and I really don't mind is people find out. They can judge if they want to. After I told my SO, I relaxed about telling anyone else.

This is an interesting question. My theory is that it's not so much the nature of the revelation as it is the revelation itself. Sharing something so profound and personal is a serious breach of guy protocol. We just don't do that. Add to that the obvious issues homophobia and such, and it's easy to see such a revelation putting a chill on most inter-guy relationships.

We're pretty close, and these guys (there's been four of them) aren't really the typical "dudes" at a sports bar. They're all artists and creatives, they've dealt with depression and relationship issues, I've seen two of them cry in front of me.

The "gay" thing often comes from ignorance, and it's not necessarily malicious. For true mainstream people, they'll associate any males who deviate from the norm as gay.. because in their experience, gay guys are the only ones who would do that. These men in question didn't assume that I was gay, but did ask if I was going to transition into a woman.

I have always wondered whether girls are inviting you into the fold and guys are jealous of how good you look as a girl. :-)

You do need to think this one out.

Actually, the looks thing may be an issue. As a girl, I pretty much only wear tight cocktail dresses. Always arms and legs on display. It's not trashy, but it's definitely a sexy look, and my body somehow makes more sense in girl mode. I've had other trans friends that told males in their life, but their look is more conservative. I've been told that I look surprisingly good as a girl, and that might be freaky or a bit intimidating for them.

To say one is more accepting than the other is foolish.
I have found women that will be disgusted and call you names and guys as well but there have been stories here of telling an old guy friend and they accept it.
Gender makes no difference in the accepting its the person and their inner bigotry that does make a difference.
So if you decide to tell be ready to get accepted or told you are a sick pervert. 50/50 chance and the person you tell their gender has nothing to do with it.

Sorry, I have to disagree there. Although it's dependent upon the individual, I think that women are more likely to be accepting and encouraging of "our thing" than men.

And for my male friends in question, I'm not going to call them a bigot. I changed in a very huge way, and maybe they're just not comfortable with it. Accepting might be the wrong word.. as they do accept it. They weren't nasty or reactionary. It put a chill on our friendship though, but that can happen for all sorts of reasons. I guess that we're growing apart due to this, but it could have been something else.

It's interesting that it appeared to be a slow burn for a two of them. The first guy that I told is bisexual.. I figured that he was "safe" because I know for a fact he's been intimate with two actual male celebrities (whose name shall be withheld, haha). I told him and he looked confused, but okay with it. After a while he relaxed and we laughed, and he said that he wants to join our crew for Girls Night Out. But then I invited him about 5-6 times, and he blew it off every time. Before then, he was pretty reliable with hanging out. Made me realize that a line in the sand was drawn and perhaps our friendship was over.