*sigh* Should have left well enough alone.

[Julie1123]

My fiancee and I have a DADT/out of sight, out of mind agreement in regards to my dressing. Things have been going pretty well the last few months. Have kept my legs and armpits free of hair with no complaints from her. Clothes have been hanging out of sight in a corner of the walk in closet and I'm not sure she's even seen them. She came back from getting a make over, something she's never done before, and we had a wonderful discussion about the make up and the whole process. The other day she was doing some online shopping while I was sitting next to her and like usual she would ask if I liked this or that item for her. She picked out a few things to order and said she really liked another item but didn't want to spend the additional money to get it. I later ordered it for her along with a top for me.

The day before the package was set to arrive I told her it would be in the mail the next day. Her package also arrived that day and she was home and instantly wanted to open them both up. So I opened the one I got while she stood there and opened her order, and I kept the flaps just so that she couldn't see in the box and pulled her item out and handed it to her and then picked up the box and said I would be right back. Went into the bedroom and tucked the top into a dresser drawer.

When I came back out with the empty box she asked, "Did you order something for you?"

To which I replied, "Yes. I got a shirt."

"A woman's blouse?"

"Yes."

"Ah."

"I wasn't trying to be secretive about it, just with our agreement..."

She cut me off, "I wasn't upset. I was just curious."

The whole exchange was pretty awkward but nothing changed in her mood and she was just as happy as she has been lately. She's never really been able to hide from me when she's upset. Later that evening, I asked her if she would mind if I shut the bedroom door and tried on the top I got or if she would rather I waited until she was out of the house. She said she didn't mind. I did a quick in and out. Just long enough to check the fit and a quick look in the mirror and done. When I came out she still didn't have any sort of mood change and boy was I riding a high. Later when I was driving to pick up our dogs from boarding I couldn't concentrate on the audiobook I was listening to, kept thinking about how she had said she was curious and then I started to worry that maybe my awkwardness might have come across that I didn't want to talk about it with her. The next morning the thoughts were still racing around my head and I started to think that maybe I could just make a brief comment to reiterate that I'm always happy to talk to her about it, maybe she's coming around to talking about it more. I should have stopped myself.

"I just wanted to mention real quick that I am always happy to talk to you about my dressing when you are curious in case my awkwardness yesterday made it seem like I wasn't."

Her response wasn't any different than what she had stated in the past. "It's not something I'm comfortable with. I would rather you didn't do it but I don't want to prevent you from doing it. It's not detrimental to our relationship unless you want to be a woman or want to dress all the time like a woman."

"I don't want either of those things and it really means a lot to me how you have handled this aspect of me."

"How often do you do it?"

"A couple times a week, for a few hours at a time."

"Ok."

She was a bit distant for a bit after that but it didn't last as long as it has in the past. I'm still hopeful that it will get better in the future as her reactions to things have lessened over time but I shouldn't have pushed.

Edit to clarify a little: My post here is more of a let me tell a little story and not so much that I feel like I screwed up majorly. I am very fortunate in the quality of the DADT my SO and I have. This is the only outlet where I can talk about this aspect of myself so sometimes its nice to just ramble a bit. I really appreciate the thoughtful responses I've been getting but as a lot seemed to be running along similar lines I thought this edit might be helpful. You all are great and I'm glad that you are here.

[SometimesKairi]

Maybe, maybe not.
Things have happened. No point dwelling on them now.
So, things seem okay?
Just cut back mentioning the dressing for a bit maybe?
If you haven't changed as a person, I am sure things will be fine

[Julie1123]

I'm not too worried. I haven't changed. This was more of a share than a "Oh no the world is ending!" kind of post. More of a lament to killing the high I was on because I thought a big change could be occurring.

[Leslie Langford]

All things considered, I think that you have a pretty good thing going on here with your fiancée, and it sounds like a DADT arrangement in it's purest and most authentic form - i.e. the textbook definition of this, with no hidden subtexts or qualifiers.

Most of us here have a "*******ized" version of this type of arrangement to contend with... DADT (sort of), but with all kinds of guilt attached to it, and subtle - if not overt - hostility expressed towards our crossdressing by our wives or SO's depending on their mood at any given time. This keeps us constantly living on the edge, and waiting for the hammer to invariably drop.

I hope that this truly neutral stance on behalf of your fiancée lasts for your sake. Either way, enjoy it while you can...

[Julie1123]

I absolutely agree, Leslie. I find myself to be very fortunate on this front and try and let her know how thankful I am for her during the rare times we talk about it. She's always been pretty straight forward and blunt about things in general so I'm pretty confident her neutral stance will stand as long as things don't start changing drastically for me. I don't anticipate they will, after four or five years of this I think I've found my comfort zone. There are a few minor things that could be different but nothing that is causing me pain or discomfort to deny myself.

[Tiffany in heels]

I hope my dadt becomes similar to yours where is more a question than a problem. You sound like you have something good going on.

[Chelsea B]

It sounds pretty encouraging to me. I am hopeful that my relationship is headed more in that direction. I still have to be very careful not to be the one to bring it up.
Our DADT includes a PO box for me. She does not want any of my lady things coming directly to the house.

[Sandin Meknickers]

Thought I'd missed somerhig there. Seems like no change and harm done.

Bug change occuring. Is it likely you'll have some fundamental change of heart about dressing? It's as likely that she will change her position.

[Rogina B]

Sad way to live..Without explaining why you need to do it,there will never be progress as you two are just pretending.

[alwayshave]

Julie, Don't overthink the situation. When you first detected that she did not have a mood change, you should have rested then.

[reinasblack]

Most of the women in my life feel that a man should be a man and a woman should be a woman. If my wife says DADT I still would not be around her with the dressing and stuff. Women don't even like men shaving everywhere most of the time. I say I would never let my eyebrows get bushy as I get older or get a hairy back.i would shave it and cut down my brows.I have met some women who don't like men to do that much grooming.

I think I would of separated the clothing away from her and not said I ordered it until after I separated the clothing because now in her head she See's an image of you wearing the women blouse.either she's opening up are relaxing on the DADT rules are she is just curious.i wondered what image she has of you dressed.

[kimdl93]

I don't think you did anything wrong by talking. Not talking about it and assuming is a much more risky endeavor, because you'll begin to make assumptions, assumptions that are probably wrong.

She answered your question. Of course, she probably thought a while about it afterward. That s good.

[Jessica May]

I've always thought its better to express your feelings than keep them hidden. I think talking with her was the right choice. Even if it is a DADT situation its better to keep the waves of communication open in regards to how you feel or what you are thinking. Communication is what is key to a healthy relationship or at least that's my outlook on it. There are bound to be uncomfortable conversations somewhere in there. Sounds like she is at least understanding.

All the best,
Jess

[IleneD]

Julie:

First, I sincerely hope all works out for your relationship. There's a fundamental reason motivating your desire to make her your life partner (marriage, fiancee). But IMO, dear, you are behind the power curve right now, before even entering a permanent partnership like a marriage; especially when it involves your Femme life.

First thing I noticed from your narrative is that she went to the mall, had a professional makeover, and then returned to talk about it. The first thing that entered my mind was, "Where's Julie's make over too?!". A true heart and understanding partner might suggest that you go as a couple for a make over, or at least suggest some manner of sharing the fun. What she did was, in effect, to eat a donut in front of a dieting fat person; figuratively speaking.

My second point, dear, is about your "asking permission." This is a relationship warning flag for me. Any time someone in the relationship demands the other partner get permission to do things (be them), or one partner feels obligated to seek permission, that is not a healthy sign. That also doesn't mean one should FLAUNT disrespect and be "in her face" about it. But the feeling that you had to 'sneak around" is bothering. [PS: And I will say this with all the truth in my heart, dear Julie. There probably isn't a CD on this board, including me, who has NOT sneaked around, hid their garments or kept their secret. Don't feel badly about it.]

I'd say that your GF/fiancee has a ways to go in order to come a bit more over to your side on this. It's SHE who needs a measure of education and understanding NOW..... before you launch into a commitment that may not last under the pressure of secrecy.
Blessings and hugs. Good luck. Think about what you got and where you're going.

[Julie1123]

Hello Ilene, thank you for your reply.

A few things to know, her makeover wasn't just a casual trip to the mall. It was an appointment with her hair and makeup person for the wedding to do a trial run. She rarely ever wears much make up at all. Foundation and concealer at the most. It was very out of the ordinary and will probably not likely happen again any time soon. It was a new experience for her. Neither one of us had ever seen her done up before. That's why it sparked a great conversation afterward.

There is no secrecy concerning my dressing. She's known about my dressing since it first started five years ago, knows everything about it. She would just rather not see the majority of it, but there are some aspects that she doesn't mind seeing, personal grooming and underwear being the major things. I didn't need her permission to try on the shirt, it was more a polite way of saying, "Hey, I'm going to shut the door and try this on so don't come in." As I do all my dressing when she is out of the house it was out of the ordinary. It was also a tactful way to remind her that I value her feelings.

I'm very comfortable with how much I get to dress and to what extent. Sure there are a few minor things that could be different but nothing that is detrimental to my well being.

We've been committed to each other for over ten years now. At this point, the wedding is just to celebrate that.

Hugs to you as well.

[IleneD]

Dear...
My apologies for perhaps assuming the worst.
My radar pinged at the hint of resistance IN THE BEGINNING of a relationship, with the possibility of "it" (CD) becoming a contentious issue unresolved in the future.
What you relate is good news, and who knows your relationship better than you.
Blessings.
[I still think it was kind of a tease for her to get all prettied up like that and sit before you, knowing you probably wanted some too. LOL.]