House guest for a month or more

[Ceera]

Well, next week I'll have an interesting challenge thrown my way - what to do about having an old male friend as a house guest, for over a month.

Right after I graduated from high school, I briefly served in the US Navy - primarily to get the GI Bill benefits to pay for my college education. This was back in the late 1970's, just shortly after the Vietnam war ended and the draft also ended. The Navy didn't work out very well for me, but before I got out of the service, I did make several close friends - a small handful of 'Navy Brothers' who I often brought home to visit my parents, since my parents' home (which was also my home when not on duty) was close enough to the Navy bases we were stationed at that it was possible to travel to my home for special holidays, or even just for weekends away from our duty assignments. My family virtually adopted those three guys as extended family. All of those guys have only known me as a straight male, because until my father died, I severely repressed any feminine or gay urges on my part. I've kept in touch with those guys over the years, and they have been there for me through some tough times in my life. Over 40 years have passed, and one of those guys has died, but the other two remain good friends.

One friend in particular - I'll call him Frank, though that isn't his real name - traveled for nearly a full day's drive to be there to attend my dad's funeral. And when I was too emotionally choked up to read what I had written for myself to say at my father's service, Frank stepped up and gave my speech on my behalf - just as a loving brother would have done. He's divorced (amicably) and years ago he retired in his early 50's, mostly because he was having trouble finding work at his age. He had settled into a life that had him living out of a converted moving van, while he traveled to various parts of the country to be with his kids and other friends. Not a cushy life, but he was comfortable enough, and happy.

A week or so ago I got a startling e-mail from 'Frank', sent to a short list of his closest friends. He had developed a serious heart problem, and needed an open heart bypass surgery. The worst part of that for him, aside from the risk of the surgery itself, was that he needed a place to stay and convalesce after the surgery - and living on his own in the back of a moving van that he had converted to a camper wasn't going to cut it. He was in a hospital in Seattle, Washington, and his ex-wife and kids were not in a position themselves to do much to help him, as the closest among them lives in Texas. Well, I'm not exactly close myself, being in Oregon, but a 5 hour drive to where I am is a lot closer than Texas. And I do have a guest bedroom. I immediately offered that if it would be any help at all, he was welcome to come to my home and stay as long as he needed to recover from his surgery. We'd find a way to get him and his van to us safely, somehow, even if I had to fly to Seattle and drive him back myself.

Well, today I got the good news that he survived the heart surgery, and has improved enough that he has been released from the hospital to recover. His son has managed to go to Seattle and stay with him in a hotel for a week, while the doctors keep him close at hand in case there are any unexpected post-surgery problems. And now, the next stage in the plan is that next Tuesday, the son will drive his dad in that modified moving truck/camper down to my home, and 'Frank' will stay with me for 3 to 4 weeks, until he is deemed well enough by his doctors to drive again, and resume his prior lifestyle.

So... 'Frank' doesn't know about my feminine side at all... The last time he saw me in person was before I got my ears pierced, started shaving my arms, legs and body hair, and started keeping my nails done in feminine style 24x7. And right now, my nails are done in glittering gold acrylic/gel polish. That stuff doesn't come off without a major effort. There is one afternoon during his proposed stay that I will have to be en-femme, in early May. (I'm giving testimony as Ceera on that day, at a hearing for the Oregon Department of Motor Vehicles on a proposed change to allow a non-binary gender marker, an X, on Oregon driver's licenses.) But as it happens, that coincides with when he needs to go by train back to Seattle for a post-op checkup, so he will be out of town at that time. Other than that, I don't really have any girly stuff planned for that period that I couldn't live without doing, although normally I'd be spending at least some time each week en-femme.

I don't think he will react badly to learning about Ceera, but this will be the first time that a long-term friend of my male side will be in a position to learn about my feminine side. I guess I am going to treat it about the same as I would if my sister or some other close relative were to visit. I'll clean things up in my bedroom and master bath so I don't have purses and skirts and cosmetics and jewelry and other female stuff lying around. And then if I dress to 'pass as male' - no overtly female clothes or shoes - as long as he doesn't look into my walk in closet, there won't be anything other than my nails and male-style pierced earrings to tip him off. But I suspect he is going to be observant enough to ask about my nails, and if he does, I don't think I want to be evasive about it. I took a direct approach with one of my sister's long term friends who visited my home, and she accepted my girl side just fine. I'd certainly rather be able to go out as Ceera while he is there, and just not worry about it. So... crossing my fingers, and hoping for the best!

[Laura912]

Walking that fine line between being yourself and caring for your friend...not a task for the faint of heart. Maybe there will be a time, perhaps over a glass of wine (red is better for the coronaries), you will have an opportunity to welcome him to your true self.

[BettyMorgan]

Here's a what if for you.

What if the real reason Frank divorced is because he's transgender? Or gay?
What if he's hiding something in his life, and his "moving-van-lifestyle" is a way to hide who he really is?
What if...?

My question is, would you want Frank to be truthful to you?
He sounds like someone who would accept you as you are. Unless you've heard him express negative comments about LGTBQ people, you should consider being your true self. Even if it's just explaining how you express yourself en femme and go from there.

[kimdl93]

I don't have much to offer. If it was me, I'd get the solvent and sandpaper out, and destroy those gorgeous nails....and probably my own nail bases, to prepare for his convalescence. That's because I am a coward at heart.

[Lana Mae]

Ceera, You and I have a similar problem! A friend and I discovered each other on facebook after being apart since 1984! He wants to come visit this fall with his wife. He has no idea that I CD! He must travel 12 hours to get here. If I decide to come out to him,which i do not know yet! Do I do it on the phone so he does not possibly make the trip for nothing if he does not accept that side of me? We were BFF back in the day and very macho types! I am so glad I have until fall to make up my mind! Hugs Lana Mae PS: Best wishes for a good outcome to your situation!

[Karen's Secret]

I would give serious consideration to just living in complete male mode while your friend is recovering at your home and not share your feminine side with him. He's been through a lot. I think you probably should have informed him at the time you made the offer of letting him stay with you so he could have made an informed decision about whether that would be something he could handle or not while recovering.

[Genni]

It is wonderful of you to help your "Navy Brother" during his convalescence! I would hope he would accept you as you are. Regardless, you are a great friend to open your home to him.

[Jackie7]

I was about to write that you could just let the girl out and bet that Frank would be good with her and you. But the truth is,when my college roommate from 50 years ago recently visited us in New York, although I had planned to take my own advice and come out to him, in the end I did not. I still don't know why not, I'm generally socially out around here, but it just didn't seem right. I dunno. Not always easy. Good luck Ceeta hope it goes well no matter what you decide to do.

[Ceera]

I've decided to take it slow and easy, and to be as male as possible in my appearance to begin with, unless he directly asks about things he notices. Mostly I don't want to add any stress to his visit. He doesn't seem 'fragile' though. He's already commented he'd love to go with my daughter and I to an SCA event and archery contest next weekend that I was planning to attend - just a few days after he gets here.

However, I don't think there will be any problems if I do come out to him. He doesn't do Facebook much, but just a few weeks ago, 4 days after he let his friends know about his heart problems, he re-posted this meme to his FB page, which is supportive of non-binary folk. It was from a FB page described as "Transgender and gender diverse news, education, and encouragement from a gender therapist and trans advocate". He's a politically 'progressive' type, and while I seriously doubt he is LGBTQ himself, or that he has any reason to suspect my own situation as yet, I do think he supports LGBTQ rights issues.

[Rogina B]

You are helping him out ! You are you and he is him...What difference does it really make in your life? Be yourself and stop being a coward ! And there is no place for cowardly advice ! Some of you should be ashamed !

[Karen's Secret]

Some of you should be ashamed !

I guess my feeling is that his recovery should be about him and only him. The reveal can come later. Sometimes we need to take a step back and just hold off a little until the time is right. I'm not ashamed about the advice I've given in this case.

[Ceera]

So far, so good. My friend and his son have arrived, they had dinner with my daughter and I, and we watched a movie together, then chatted for a while. If they noticed my nails or earrings (simple 3mm gold ball studs), they didn't mention either. Son flies home tomorrow. Just going to stay in male mode and enjoy his visit.

===

Update - 4/27: Well, a couple of more days have gone by, and I think so far that my 'stealth mode male' is succeeding. Being in male mode while wearing the stud earrings and painted nails seems to have gone unnoticed. His son never noticed anything that he felt like commenting on, and he has gone home now. My friend's eyesight is failing, so unless I change my tactics and choose to deliberately point it out to him, he seems unlikely to even notice my earrings, shaved arms or painted nails. He seems comfortable and happy to be here, and his health is improving, and that is the most important thing. He will be gone for a day during next week, which happily coincides with one of the only times I was planning to try to do anything en-femme during his proposed stay - I can be back to male mode easily before I have to pick him up again the next evening. Other than that, there's one 'community photo shoot' that would have been nice to attend, but it's no heartbreak for me to miss it this year. So, I think that Ceera will, while he is here, just quietly remain in her closet, and she can come out again when I have safely sent him on his way again, in good health.

Update 5/1: This morning my friend had to go back to Seattle, by train, for his two week post-surgery evaluation. I've determined that his vision isn't very good any more, so unless I point it out to him, he is unlikely to notice my shaved arms, small earrings or gold painted nails. He isn't blind by any means, but he has to squint to see small details. I spent the last week wearing clothes that easily pass for or actually are male attire, and haven't tried to be girly all week.

With him out of town today and most of tomorrow, I indulged in a very girly day today. Stayed en-femme all day, did two trips to the mall, one alone and one with my daughter, and did other shopping and errands and stuff. Had a very pleasant day. Even chatted casually with a neighbor from down the block, when we both went to get our mail. She didn't recognize me from having met me as a male, and so she and Ceera traded introductions and pleasantries. All day long was 100% accepted as female by everyone I spoke to.

Tomorrow afternoon I will be en femme again, to testify at a Department of Motor Vehicles hearing about a proposed change to adopt a third gender marker for licensed and ID cards - an X for 'non-binary'. As soon as that is done I will need to rush home and switch back to male, before picking up my returning friend. In case I am delayed we already have a contingency plan that he will wait in the bar of a restaurant that is just across the train station's small parking lot.

Once my friend is back, he will stay anotger two weeks. Most likely I will simply avoid girly stuff until he has left again.

I won't post anything more on this topic, unless things drastically change. Thanks for reading this, and to those of you who commented.

[looking_good]

When given the chance, you gave of yourself to help a friend when it mattered. Madam, I'm in awe.

[Ceera]

And I have one excellent bit of news! He just messaged me from Seattle: "All clear from cardiologist and surgeon." So they are pleased with his progress, post-surgery!

For that hearing tonight, I'll be wearing an outfit that will blend well with GG's and look nicely feminine - a blouse and women's jeans and sandals, with a light unisex jacket over it when I come and go, and carrying a largish purse. I'll have a male t-shirt and makeup removal wipes in my purse. If I am getting too close to my friend's arrival time to get home to change, and I need to do a quick-change back to male, I can duck into a stall in the lady's loo, switch my blouse for the t-shirt, with my pocket bra and forms over the shirt but under the jacket, then go to my car and remove the jacket, forms, sandals, wig and makeup, and put on socks and sneakers that I'll have in the car. My sandals, purse, forms, blouse, wig, etc, can get stuffed into a shopping bag, I'll put the jacket back on, and I'll be back to male mode and able to pick up my friend, without going home.

[Leelou]

Ceera, that's great news about your friend! Here's wishing him a complete recovery. You're a great friend and he's lucky to have you.

I think it's entirely possible that he and/or his son might have noticed the painted nails and earrings and just don't care. The stud earrings alone might not be that big of a tell, but in combination with the nails that's pretty noticeable. I know what you said about his eyesight, but just wanted to throw that out there as a possibility.

So maybe over the next couple of weeks you could let a little more of Ceera shine through and see how it plays out. It sure sounds like your friendship is solid enough at this point to handle that.

[Ceera]

As it turned out, the hearing ended just soon enough that I was able to drive home, change back to male mode, and even wolf down a quick frozen dinner before returning downtown to get my friend. His doctor was pleased enough with his progress to clear him for normal activities like driving already. So he will only plan to stay another week at my place, before resuming his normal life.

I posted a link to my male FB page for a You-Tube video collection of pretty much all the times Bugs Bunny ever cross dressed. 35 different video clips. I know he follows my FB posts, so we'll see if he comments on that, and go from there.

[Paige Dehart]

Ceera,I Just want to say that I think you are wonderful and I am so glad your friend is doing well.
How did the hearing go?

[Ceera]

The DMV hearing went amazingly well! Almost 50 people attended. The room was pretty much packed to capacity. I was one of 20 or more who testified, and all were in favor of the proposal.

Oregon has two upcoming changes that are groundbreaking.

This hearing was to get community feedback on a proposal to allow a third gender marker on Oregon drivers licenses and state-issued non-driver ID cards. By simply filing a personal statement and paying the license replacement fee, or by making the change when renewing your ID, Oregon will allow a choice of 'M', 'F', or 'X' for gender, with 'X' meaning 'not specified'. No doctor or therapist letters, no proof of sex reassignment procedures, and no lawyers required to change your gender marker! It will particularly be a boon for non-binary, intersex, genderqueer or gender fluid individuals, who will no longer need to choose male or female on their ID. And the DMV people raised no concerns when in my testimony I suggested that if I got the X gender marker, I could go with a more androgynous appearance in my ID photo so whether I was male or female that day, it wouldn't look like the entirely wrong gender in my photo. It will also permit an M to F or F to M marker change just as easily! Everything looks good so far for them to have this change in place by early this July!

Matching this is a similar bill going through the legislature (House Bill 2673), to make it equally easy to change the gender marker on Oregon birth certificates, and wording it in terms of 'gender identity' rather than male or female. I attended a lobby day recently in support of that change, which had already passed the House and was soon to be voted on in the Senate. That also looks likely to succeed.

Oregon is leading the way in these changes among US states, but several other states, including California, have similar changes in the works. It will take time to get the other states and the federal government to get on board, but it is an amazingly good start.

=== final update - May 12 ===

Well, 9 days later, and my friend is on his way, and all is well.

Last night, on his last day here, while relaxing and chatting about various topics, several LGBTQ topics came up, and he made it very clear that he had no problems with gay, lesbian or transgender people. He even stated that he knew he had a strong female side himself. And yet... I got no sense that was directing the topics my way. He was more trying to explain some of his own issues. He couldn't have given me a better opening, but it was late at night, and he really needed to get sleep so he would be well rested for his road trip out of here. So I refrained, but spent the night thinking how to come out to him the next day.

In our conversations over the past week, I learned there had been two reasons he and his wife broke up. One was that he really wanted to move back to Washington state, but she did not want to move out of Texas. The other was a decreasing sex drive on his part. He admitted he never had posessed a very high libido, and that the only reason they had kids was that he loved her enough to compensate for that. But as he aged, he became more asexual and couldn't really satisfy her any more. It wasn't that he wanted someone else, of either gender, but was more that very few things still aroused him at all. Between the two, they agreed to part amicably when their youngest kid was old enough.

Today we had that chat, and it went exceptionally well. I asked, and he said that yes, he had noticed my feminine nails and my pierced ears, but he hadn't felt a need to comment on it, and he hadn't made any conclusions or assumptions about me based on that. He was quite accepting, though a bit surprised, at my being trans and gender fluid. I showed him a few pictures, and he said I looked really good as a woman. When he left, he stated that on his next visit, he would not mind at all if my daughter and I wanted to go do something with him while I was in my girl form! So now my most long-term friend knows and fully accepts both sides of me!