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Thread: Properly Gendered: Does the excitement ever go away?

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member AlyssaJ's Avatar
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    Properly Gendered: Does the excitement ever go away?

    I went out to lunch and a little shopping with my sister yesterday. Repeatedly we were greeted as "Ladies" (Hello Ladies, how are you ladies doing, have a great day ladies, etc.). Each time it felt wonderful to hear someone gender me appropriately. Obviously if you examine it, much of that excitement comes from other times where I've been mis-gendered or had anxiety over being mis-gendered. So I'm curious, for those of you much further down the path of transition, did there come a point where it just became natural and it was no longer a big deal when someone used the right pronouns or terms to address you?
    My gender is not in question, I am a woman. The only question to be asked is why did I end up with a body that doesn't show it?

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Georgette_USA's Avatar
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    Yes it is very good to hear. After a while it isn't so exciting anymore, but more accepting.

    BUT watch out a one time mis-gender can be a real letdown. I never did any voice training, as my voice can go either way at times. I will still get some on phone, or when I say something behind people.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Yes it will go away
    ..it is an affirming and wonderful feeling but you are likely to be misgendered many times as well...

    if you dont pass easily its probably just as good to be misgendered as not so you get used to it.

    you do not want your daily emotional life held hostage to whether you passed today or not..
    I am real

  4. #4
    Jeri Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    I was having lunch with Kelly Marie two days ago at Red Lobster and needed to go to the ladies room before we left. The directions that our waiter gave led me through a high traffic area with waiters going to and from the kitchen. Six times I was correctly gendered as the staff politely excused themselves when I had to wait for them to pass by. I can't say it was exciting but it is comforting and certainly confirming. When misgendering does occur it is bothersome but if it is inadvertent just let it go like you might have when in guy mode.

    Jeri

  5. #5
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    Yes, small victories like that can certainly be exciting early on. But keep in mind that most people will address you with female pronouns, even if they don't see you as female, simply because they know you're presenting that way and mostly because they're being polite. This is especially true in the service industries. A waiter at a restaurant or salesperson at a retail store is going to use correct pronouns because they want to receive a nice tip, and because it's their job.

    There comes a point in your transition when people will genuinely see and treat you as a regular woman, not a transgender woman, and that's when it really feels exciting and special. It's a subtle difference... but you'll know it when you get there.

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    To clarify - early in my gender exploration journey, before I realized I was a TS, I used to spend a good amount of time with CDs and other part-timers. They were and still are good people, despite the different paths we ended up taking. Anyway, as friends, we'd go out together to dinner, or shopping, or whatever, and we'd all be addressed with female pronouns by our servers and salespeople, even though it was very obvious that none of us passed as women (despite our clothing and makeup). I mean, we weren't on HRT or had any surgery, so how could we pass? We couldn't and didn't. But we presented as women, so we were addressed as women.

    So later on, when I did decide to transition, and was on HRT, and living full-time, it really didn't seem all that special to me when people addressed me with female pronouns, based on my previous experience with my part-time friends. Because I knew that even people who don't have a female gender identity will be addressed as a woman simply based on how they present. Which I think is good, because it shows that the majority of people try to be polite and respectful.

  6. #6
    Gold Member Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    I sometimes wonder why people gender me correctly face to face when my voice still doesn't fit. I often figured that they were mainly being polite, but recently, I have overheard people referring to me when talking to someone else and they still referred to me as "the lady" or "that lady". That is nice in anyone's book - maybe not the thrill that it once was, but certainly affirming.

    Mind you, I still prefer when my boss refers to me as "you silly cow" because that is real acceptance
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  7. #7
    Aspiring Member AlyssaJ's Avatar
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    Just to be clear, I definitely wasn't taking being gendered as female as a sign that I was somehow passing. I know that at this point I really don't. However, I look at it as more of them just being respectful enough of how I want to be addressed (since the fact that I'm presenting as female makes that pretty clear) that they are using the right pronouns and salutations. There's also a certain fulfillment in being spoken to and treated like a woman, even if they know I don't have the body to match at this point, that just makes me feel great inside. Like I've waited 39 years for people to acknowledge that I wasn't a guy and now they are. I hope that makes sense.
    My gender is not in question, I am a woman. The only question to be asked is why did I end up with a body that doesn't show it?

  8. #8
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    over time the intensity of your gender feelings will change..and your needs will change with them..

    you need the warm fuzzies now..they do matter and they are a good source of positive momentum... but its in the face of lots of issues you'll face.

    thats really the point...
    if you live the entire rest of your life in the mode of "did i pass?" "did they treat me as a woman?"...its going to be awful...you have to aim towards...Screw em...im doing my thing..
    I am real

  9. #9
    Member Billiejosehine's Avatar
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    Being that I'm three years into transition (2yrs on HRT), there are some things that have become a natural part of my everyday life. One of the things that still bring me joy and excitement into my life is when people use the correct pro-nouns. It helps me feel that they accept me and see as the true gender that I am; as there are still times when people mis-gender me (even when when I'm dresses like I am in my profile pic). Which still affects me greatly: confidence, dysphoria, being annoyed, etc. I honestly believe that when it comes to pro-nouns; it will never become a natural part of my everyday life.
    "I just want to go on more adventures. Be around good energy. Connect with people. Learn new things. Grow"
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  10. #10
    Aspiring Member AlyssaJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    have to aim towards...Screw em...im doing my thing..
    I love this line right here. I recently had lunch with one of our sisters on this forum and had exactly that discussion. I've found I'm in that space right now because I know I don't pass. I don't let the fact that I don't pass well prevent me from going out and being me. I've gone out in mixed presentation (e.g., skinny jeans and heels but short hair, no makeup, very manly from the waist up) without hesitation. Even when I go somewhere not presenting authentically (since I"m not full-time yet) I almost always have some article of visible female clothing. I get noticed, I get looks, I suspect some people treat me differently, but I don't care because it's what I am comfortable doing.

    Now I do wonder how that attitude will hold up if I run into a seriously negative reaction. I've never been physically threatened over my appearance, in fact I've not yet experienced even particularly aggressive verbal harassment. I do worry sometimes that I've got a false sense of security from my past positive experiences. I know the negative experiences are out there and will come. So far the worst I've experienced was a harrasing voicemail from an anonymous caller and a waiter who continually mis-gendered me.
    My gender is not in question, I am a woman. The only question to be asked is why did I end up with a body that doesn't show it?

  11. #11
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    A few days ago I went to our local DMV to get a new motorcycle license plate and sticker. I was in day two of a cold and didn't feel great. And I hadn't shaved. My hair is fem but that day I wasn't trying if you know what I mean. And I carry a string bag instead of a wallet but always do that when in drab. I have several nice purses that I use when enfem. Anyway, when I walk in all of the work stations on the long counter have people waiting at them; nothing new. As I was looking for a place to get a number, an employee working the closest line said," Ma'am, what do you need?" I looked for someone behind me but no one was there. Again she said the same thing while looking at me. I was embarrassed; my voice was not fem because of the cold. She motioned me to the far end of the counter where they do stickers. As she processed my information I expected her to apologize for the misgender but she never did. Surely she realized that I wasn't female. Just don't call me Shirley!........................Leanne

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member MarieTS's Avatar
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    Strictly my experience? It never stops feeling rewarding :-)
    Last edited by MarieTS; 05-20-2017 at 01:30 AM.
    Marie

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