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Thread: Trying to figure things out...My Story

  1. #1
    Junior Member Misty2215's Avatar
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    Unhappy Trying to figure things out...My Story

    Hi everyone...not sure where to start here so let me start by saying a few things about myself...first of all I am a Vet, retired after 21+ years in the military that I absolutely enjoyed...I loved serving my country and did so all over the world...I am almost 60 years old now and have been working in Law Enforcement and most recently in security since my retirement. I have been married three times and still married to my current wife who I have been with for more than 25 years. I have five kids, with my youngest being 16....so there that is a little background about me...Now for why I am posting here, I have always felt since I was a little kid that there has been this strong feminine side to me that I did my best to push deeper and deeper inside of me until she could not longer be seen. I guess I did that because I found myself in a time when it was not acceptable for a guy to want to play with girls and their dolls or for a guy to just be interested in fashion and makeup....yes that was me as a young man, but it never progressed...I decided to get married at the tender age of 19 when I entered the military and had my first child soon after....life was hard then but good in the sense that I had a family who cared for me....but every once in a while those feelings would come back...I found myself trying to find out more and more about the Trans world and finding myself researching more and more....again I thought that was wrong and pushed it aside, especially after my wife saw something I left on the computer...was harder to hide stuff like that back then not like today with all the gadgets. I remember she came right out and asked me if I was gay and of course I strongly denied it...told myself that could not be possible and once again started burying that feminine side of me deep in my inner being until she no longer existed....Shortly after this time period I was transferred to a special area where no families were allowed...I was away for over a year with little contact with my family so when I came back everything changed...my wife decided she no longer loved me and that she loved someone else and left...that was end of my first marriage and to be honest I was devastated because someone left me and I was now all alone...not sure why but I was not the type of person who functioned well without people around supporting me and so like a lot of people I jumped right back into the game with my second wife just a couple of years after being divorced.....

    There is still much more to tell but I think a lot of you will figure out where I am going and why I am so confused now....I would love to tell a bit more but honestly I am concerned that one I might be boring people or two that no one really cares...in either case I will end here for now....

    Trying to be...Misty

  2. #2
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Misty, as common as your story is, it is not boring. Virtually everyone here can relate to portions of it, at least. For some, it is virtually identical to their story. Do not think that it is unwelcome because of that. We are all here to support each other. While we may not be able solve your problems for you, you will find that there is lots of useful advice on how to approach solving them for yourself.

    Again, you should feel free to share, vent, ask questions, whatever.

    Hugs,


    Kelly Marie
    Last edited by Aunt Kelly; 05-22-2017 at 09:00 PM.

  3. #3
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    Misty I can guarantee you that folks here do care, you should never feel bad about sharing your story or experiences, that's the whole point of forums like this. As Kelly mentioned, I can identify with certain parts of your story as I'm sure others here can too. The researching all sorts of trans subjects while totally unable to admit to myself that I was trans, the early childhood feelings of shame and need to hide who I was, all of that resonates with me. So please know you're among friends here and we all want to help in whatever way we can.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Starling's Avatar
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    Misty, please keep posting. Each person's experience is interesting and illuminates our similarities, as well as differences.

    Lallie
    Time for a change.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Suzanne F's Avatar
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    Misty
    You are not alone! Many of us have similar stories. Many of us were in the military. Almost all of us have struggled to suppress who we are. I don't post here often anymore but this site helped me jump out of the nest and try to fly. Guess what? I fly all of the time now! It is scary but oh is it worth it.
    Suzanne
    Life Is One Big Dilation

  6. #6
    Junior Member Misty2215's Avatar
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    Hi again ladies....with your encouragement I am going to continue my story as it is so you will be able to know more about me, but even more importantly I will learn more about myself because I will be getting it out so here goes...
    As I mentioned it was not soon after my first divorce that I decided I did not want to be alone so I jumped right back in the fire as they say and got married again...but before that when I had that almost two year period to myself I found myself lost a bit as to who I was...I knew I had these feelings and desires inside that I was trying very hard to suppress but I also wanted to explore them a bit but that was made more complicated by my job...I may not have had a wife looking over my shoulder, but I had something more I had my friends and co-workers...and having a TS SCI clearance made it much more difficult. I was also doing some undercover drug work at the time so I had to be very careful...I would find myself at night alone in my room just looking through mags and browsing the internet searching for ideas and at the same time letting Misty out for a bit. I feared keeping clothes in my house that one of my friends might see something feminine and start questioning me...I did not want to draw any attention to myself and maybe that also pushed me to get married again as a way of hiding who I really was inside. My wife was a nice person and I cared for her deeply but there was always something missing...after our son was born we seemed to drift apart and while I found that I cared for her I found I was not as attracted to her especially sexually and once that went downhill everything else went with it...after almost seven years she filed for divorce and I found myself alone again and questioning even more who I was and what was wrong with me that these women did not want to be around me...how could I have let my family down...I absorbed it on and blamed myself for everything...I convinced myself that I was the bad person here and that I deserved everything I got and that there was no way I deserved to be happy....so I dived more and more into my work volunteering for all the missions no one else wanted just to forget about everything else...once that started sad to say I lost Misty and my life became nothing more than work and sleep...Not that I was ever a barfly or someone who socialized a lot but at that time it did not exist at all...I think I was too entangled in work to even miss it....to put it plainly I was messed up and no one but me knew it...everyone around me thought I had it all together...boy did I have them all fooled....

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member Georgette_USA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misty2215 View Post
    ...and having a TS SCI clearance made it much more difficult.
    Being Trans, and having a TS plus clearance, is not necessary a problem. I had such from time in Navy in 1972 and beyond to when I retired in 2011.
    You just need to be open and truthful about it.

  8. #8
    Junior Member Misty2215's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Georgette_USA View Post
    Being Trans, and having a TS plus clearance, is not necessary a problem. I had such from time in Navy in 1972 and beyond to when I retired in 2011.
    You just need to be open and truthful about it.
    I know you are right Georgette...I just wish I knew where to start with everything especially being truthful about it

  9. #9
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    Often this section of the forum is referred to as an echo chamber which is dangerous to and for people looking for answers. I try to discourage anyone from going down the transgender/transitioning path if possible.

    Most crossdressers are heterosexual males and many say they dress as a form of stress relief. I think this is key to understanding the male dilemma, particularly for older men.

    The problem for men that have lived very masculine lives is emotional repression in the name of being seen as a man in the eyes of other men and the women they love.

    Human beings are emotional and when these emotions are shut down, forced down, diverted and ignored they come back to haunt the person in other ways. Violence among men and self destructive behaviors are examples of this.

    It is possible that like a rubber band stretched to far or a pendulum that has swung to far in one direction you are snapping back and swinging in the opposite direction as a reaction of suppressing yourself and what you have suppressed you are labelling feminine.

    This is not feminine but human and the danger is the shame you feel toward these emotions could lead you down the transitioning path to avoid confronting directly these emotions. Transitioning than becomes an act of cowardice not courage but is labelled as being courageous.

    Something very very important to men.

    It is very easy for the sexuality and psychology of men to lead them down the transitioning path and than calling this being authentic when in actuality they are being inauthentic.

    Transitioning is not a choice. It is not something one has control over. If you can think about it than it is something else altogether.

    I suggest you first try to be fully human by accepting and expressing all your human emotions before considering altering your body or how you socially present yourself.
    Last edited by KellyJameson; 05-11-2017 at 10:52 PM.
    The Psychology of Conformity
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARGczzoPASo

    Mars brain, Venus brain: John Gray at TEDxBend
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuM7ZS7nodk

  10. #10
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    Misty it was great reading your post and I must say that your story parallels mine in many ways, and definitely not boring. I'm very new to this forum and find it interesting to see how other have dealt with their feelings. I'm only 35 and on my first, and hopefully last, wife and also a vet with the same clearance btw. I keep finding myself in jobs and positions that are not conducive to transitioning and I just wonder how long I can go before the burden is overwhelming.

    The question I have for you is this. Would you say that your feelings have become increasingly stronger over the years to the point where you are forced to face them, or do you feel that may you have finally come to a point in your life / career, where you may be able to finally focus on them? I ask because this is how I have been getting by and I'd love to know your take on this, especially someone down the road in a similar situation. For me its a bit of both I guess. Would love to hear your thoughts.

    Jessica

  11. #11
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misty2215 View Post
    I know you are right Georgette...I just wish I knew where to start with everything especially being truthful about it
    The proper place to start is with a therapist. If this is something that is frequently on your mind, then talking things over with a professional therapist is something that you need to do.

  12. #12
    Member Sara Olivia's Avatar
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    Kelly, there is a fundamental difference, between a crossdresser and someone with gender dysphoria. You are describing and talking about crossdressers in your comment. Of course a crossdresser should not transition to another gender.

  13. #13
    Junior Member Misty2215's Avatar
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    Hi ladies I know it has been a while since I last posted here but I have been a little busy at work...by the way I have decided to speak to a professional about my feelings and see where it leads me...I am looking for someone and hope to find him or her soon....will keep everyone updated...

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