Feeling 'right' in womens clothes

[SometimesKairi]

I'm still very new to feeling like this.
I never questioned my gender before maybe a year ago but since then I cant stop feeling that me being a man isn't right.
It's not just the way I am but the way I feel inside.

I know I am rambling but I don't like wearing men's clothes anymore, at all.
I've had sleep problems for many years but when I can sleep as a woman then I sleep soundly.

Dressing as a woman doesn't inspire feelings of excitement and arousal as I have seen in many crossdressers but feelings of comfort and cuteness.

I know this is nonsense talking but I need to get it off my chest.

So that's all Kairi x

[Mirya]

A woman is a woman because of her brain. Her mind influences the way that she thinks, feels, and socializes.

There is no such thing as going to 'sleep as a woman' as you say. You go to sleep as yourself. What you meant to say was going to 'sleep in women's clothes'. Being a woman has little to nothing to do with the clothes - whether you wear them because they excite you or whether you wear them because they comfort you.

If you are questioning your gender identity, I encourage you to examine the way that you've interacted and socialized with other people throughout your life. Are you comfortable in your role as a boyfriend, husband, or father, and being seen that way? Are you comfortable being treated as a man in your work environment? Or have you always wanted to take traditionally female gender roles? Have you consistently sought out the company and friendship of other women as your closest friends and confidants?

Because once you transition, the novelty of clothing and makeup gets really old, really fast. If you don't find fulfillment and peace in your social role as a woman, you're going to be in a lot of trouble.

[SometimesKairi]

Thank you for the reply

You bring up some interesting points and I don't know the answers really.

Yeah I meant to say in women's clothes but I didn't proof read my post haha
Going to sleep in female clothes and I look in the mirror and feel correct.
You mention that you go to sleep as yourself, that's very true and I think by looking like how I feel gives my mind some comfort.

Am I comfortable in my roles in very interesting question and if I examine this is details the answer is yes to some and no to others.
As a boyfriend I am uncomfortable. The whole protective, strong and confident man isn't me. Even in situations with a partner I find myself wanting to be submissive, to be held.

Am I comfortable in work as a man? Yeaaah but for my job there is no gender difference in my eyes. We all do the same job for the same pay. Equality in the workplace for me.

ALL of my out of work friends are female, I've always been much more comfortable with female friends.

I've got two years to decide (well actually as long as I need as I ain't setting a time limit) but two years minimum to see how I feel, how things work out.

It may just turn out I need to live as a female but without any transition, it may turn out that this all blows over and my mind clarifies. Maybe I will stay the same.

That's why I appreciate these difficult questions

[AlyssaJ]

First, I read your original post early this morning and the response I had in my head but couldn't articulate was laid out perfectly by Mirya.

It may just turn out I need to live as a female but without any transition....

This line confuses me. Transition is a lot more than taking hormones and having surgery. Living as a woman, at least to me, means that you present, act and are treated as a woman in your daily life. That is transition, typically referred to as social transition. There is also legal transition, in which you take the steps to change your name and gender marker (in many states the latter still requires physical transition). And then, as mentioned, there is physical transition. Which entails all the physical changes that go into making your body congruent with your gender.

So my point is to share with you some information that you need to understand as you progress. I understand you're early in this discovery so you have much to learn. Transition is an all-encompassing term that includes much more than just the physical transition. In the end, I think you have a lot of self discovery to do. Are you seeing a gender therapist at this point? If not, I would strongly recommend you find an experienced one and work with them to really examine your feelings and explore your true identity. They can help ensure you consider all necessary aspects before you make any decisions.

I'm not trying to tell you that you are or are not trans. I understand your feelings and they mimic many of ours here. However, I also see some gaps in areas that you don't seem to have explored yet and want to help make sure you arm yourself with all the information.

[SometimesKairi]

Thanks Alyssa

I'm typing on my phone which makes what I want to say a bit difficult as its hard to put what I mean and review it.

What I mean by live as a woman without transition. Yeah its a bad choice of words.
What I mean is, dress as a female daily and live my life like that without taking any hormones or surgery.

It probably doesn't make a lot of sense as my mind is very confused right now.

I think your advice of a gender therapist is actually spot on. It's actually something I am scared to do in case they say You're a man get over it' when my mind says different.

But it is the only way to know isn't it? I am sure they can ask me some things that will help clear up my mind from the clutter if nothing else

[Tama]

I spend a good deal of my life running back and forth between "roles". Situations force me sometimes to me "MAN", then the rest of the time I flow back into Tama...
With my situation, and how new I am to being "presentable", I just find that each outing is a new adventure, one of which teaches me something new about who exactly I am, and maybe who I wish to be later on...For this exact moment in time, I'm ok just being me, whatever exactly that is...
I do however wish you well on you finding out who you are, or are going to be.. Slow down a tad, it'll work itself out for you I'm sure.

[AlyssaJ]

Kairi, no therapist worth a salt would ever tell you anything one way or the other. What a therapist will do is guide you through a self-discovery process, they'll walk you through your feelings and challenge you when they feel you're not being honest with yourself or making assumptions that aren't valid. Ultimately, the goal of therapy is for you to discover for yourself why you feel as you do and ultimately identify what your gender identity truly is. From there you and your therapist can work together to develop a plan for your next steps.

So what I'm trying to say is, no need to be fearful. If you end up with a therapist that doesn't make you comfortable, then just find another. Sometimes it takes people 2 or three tries to find someone they're comfortable talking to.

[SometimesKairi]

Thank you
Despite all the recent press, its still hard to talk about mental health for me. (definitely not saying gender dysphoria is an illness, just health of the mind)
I first have to get a new GP as I am currently doctorless and tell them than they have to refer me to a gender clinic. Luckily there's one about an hour from me.

Can I ask what kinda things do they discuss with you?
I'm the sort of person who needs to study something new beforehand to reduce my anxiety.

I guess my biggest fear is they can't do anything for me. Something is not balanced in my head and that is a fact that only I know.

Anyways you're awesome

[Megan G]

Can I ask what kinda things do they discuss with you?
I'm the sort of person who needs to study something new beforehand to reduce my anxiety.

Kairi,

There is nothing to study for when it comes to seeing a good therapist. To me that reads as you want to ensure that you say the right thing to get the diagnosis that you want. Your goal going into this should be nothing more than self discovery. You want to find a therapist that is going to challenge you and any preconceived notions that you may have. You want them to push you, to make you answer some uncomfortable questions as even as overwhelming as this may feel right now this ain't nothing! This is the easy part! Transition is a damn hard deal that you need to rip open your soul for all to see.

And i will repeat what was said above, once you transition makeup and clothes do get old very fast so your going to want to concentrate your thoughts less on expression and more on identity. I can (and do) go to sleep in an old male t shirt and it does not make me feel any less of a woman...just as if I went to sleep in a nighty...it would not make me feel like more of a woman.

I wish you best of luck on your journey, where ever it may take you.

[Pat]

Can I ask what kinda things do they discuss with you?

They discuss whatever is on your mind. You actually direct the conversation. Their first question typically is "what are you hoping to get from this?" It's OK not to have a brilliant answer. They'll accept your goal and help walk you toward it. You can change or add goals as you progress. It's not like learning a technical skill, like learning to drive or fly, where they know the answer and they are going to teach you to conform. You're the one who knows the answer and they can't predict that path that you'll take to get there. But they know a lot about directing your attention along productive paths and can identify when you're going in circles.

I guess my biggest fear is they can't do anything for me.

What's the worst-case scenario if that's true? You spend some time speaking your thoughts aloud? Seems safe enough to try. And, really, just getting you to vocalize what you're feeling is helpful. Things often sound different when you say them to another person than they do in your head. So it's really almost a can't-lose situation.

[Teresa]

Kairi,
The important thing is be honest with yourself, and when you get to see a therapist be honest and open with them. They aren't mind readers , you won't do yourself any favours by misleading them, all you will do is go round in circles. I found the best thing is to write it all down, how it started , in my case even the dreams, and finally how you truly feel about it and what you feel you would like to happen in the future.

I know I need to dress comfortably, without pressure, possibly full time to decide what my future is . Social transition maybe all I want but being in a DADT situation makes it so difficult. You say work may not be affected by dressing but maybe going out socially could be a sensible compromise. I know you've said the social thing isn't for you but dressing full time will put more pressure on you unless you can integrate with others dressed. The UK is pretty safe if you're sensible where you go and when , you may find a totally different person may emerge if you give it a try. I much prefer the Teresa side of me I wish so much to live it full time.