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Thread: Wife still not happy

  1. #1
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    Wife still not happy

    Well most people said be open and honest to the wife.
    Well my wife found my 4" heels and a hair brush after 35 years of marriage and I told her 98% of the whole story.

    That I dressed since 5 and for the 1st five years of our marriage, then stopped for over 25 and then it came back.

    Well now two months later she's still mad, I haven't dressed, purged half my stuff.

    I'm walking on egg shells around her.

    I'm trying not to think about dressing but I jut saw a commercial and the woman had on a dress to die for.

    Boy this is tuff.
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Sami Brown's Avatar
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    I am sorry you are going through a tough, tough time. I really don't have much advice to offer, other than hang in there. I am rooting for you!

    Hugs, Sami

  3. #3
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    Judy, I am so sorry. I hope she will come around. In the meantime all you can do is show her your are still the same person she has loved all these years.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member Genny B's Avatar
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    Open communication is key. including honesty about your feelings. My wife didn't understand for a long time till a conversation about suicidal thoughts came up...

    Genny B
    Dani (Genny before Transition)
    All Girl!

  5. #5
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    Judy,
    It's a process, and it could take quite a while before any sense of normalcy returns. Even then, it will in all likelihood be a different relationship, that's not ment to mean a good or a bad thing, it's just that you've hit her with a really big revelation about yourself and it literally hits a reset button for her until she can make some sense of it. Give it time and realize that there will be good days and bad days for a while. Just be yourself, give her space and if and when she has questions, be honest. I'll say it again, seek counseling if it's available in your area, it'll give you both a place to get the subject out in the open in a safe and neutral setting with the help of a professional who can help you both.
    My two cents.
    You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

    Marisa..

  6. #6
    Daniella Argento Danitgirl1's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You can never be sure of what the reaction will be, but being honest with those you love is always best. Hopefully you two can find an accommodation that works for both of you.
    Keep loving her... be the best you you can be.
    One thing that comes to mind is that you told her 98% of the whole story. Go for the full 100 if you are going to be open, you need to be FULLY open. Just a thought...
    For more of my ramblings please visit my blog: https://daniellaargento.com/

  7. #7
    Crossdresser-At-Large BillieAnneJean's Avatar
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    I have a Blog with posts that might help your SO.

    http://billieannejeansblog.apps-1and1.com/2015/02/

    You are in trouble because there was a secret. She may be wondering of there are more secrets. You may have an uphill battle for a while. You need to reassure her that you are still the guy that you were the day or hour before she found the shoes. Apologize. Grovel. Tell her that she means more than anything to you. Read my blog from the beginning and see if there is soething in there that might help you and might help her. It was written for that purpose.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Stephanie Julianna's Avatar
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    As you and I have discussed in PM's, we have a lot in common. It does not stop with the wives. Mine knows I dress when she visits her Mom but we don't talk about it. I was very active in the 80's until around 2003 and theb went back into the closet for ten years. But as we all know, thedre is no lock on that door and when I joined this site back in 2013 she was not happy when she found the site left up and read my threads and responses at that time. She was much more accepting when she was younger. Caitlin Jenner has not helped my case either. I think she still fears that I would have SRS if given permission so she pulled back on any acceptance and settled on tolerance. I know what you are both going through and will pray that it works out for you both. Love Steph

  9. #9
    Senior Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    Want vs need...problem solving 101 for your dressing. it takes one oh crap, to wipe out a thousands ada boys. I can keep going but to save the marriage, seek counseling.
    Last edited by mbmeen12; 04-30-2017 at 05:09 AM. Reason: typo
    Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.

  10. #10
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    Judy at least you were honest and came clean she can't take that away from you.
    Women want their men to be honest and "talk" about their feeling right? You did that so your part is done.
    As for walking on egg shells (which I did for years) until one day I said to myself I deserve to have a voice and I wasn't going to let her run my life.
    She handed me a "honey do list" for the weekend and I tossed it back and said I'll cut the grass on Sunday you can do the rest I'm going fishing.
    As I was loading up she said she was sorry for being so mean to me.
    My reply was an act of defiance on my part but to her it was me making a stand and not being a wimp.
    Maybe its time not to just roll over to her whims and desires.

  11. #11
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    Judy,
    All I can suggest is go back over some of your recent threads on your problem and see if you can find another way of approaching it.

    In the end I had to go for counselling when I found I was getting into the same situation as you, one thing I feared most was going down the same road I was on twenty years ago. My wife didn't want to know about my counselling but at least she acknowledged I was looking for help. In some respects it's backfired on her, because we nearly separated during my sessions . I stated clearly that the gap between my position and her acceptance level was possibly too great , (I was trying to be totally honest with her )it made her think about the implications of losing me, so we settled on a compromise. She has also conceded that going out dressed to meet others is something I really need to do.

    Like I've said before , you're letting her hold all the aces, she's trying every trick in the book to stop you dressing, does she truly want to destroy the person she claims she loves ?

    I know I reached this point in the same sort of situation and was prepared to say , " The hell with it I'm going to totally dress in front of her and risk the consequences !" Kill or cure if you like ! No I didn't do it , all she has to do now is wait for me to return home fully dressed after my night out to see me if she chooses .
    Last edited by Teresa; 04-30-2017 at 06:44 AM.

  12. #12
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    Can't think of what relationships you might be enjoying that involve everybody Dani but an unhappy self in the middle is a recipe of pain or worse, settling. Fact is, if cross dressing offends your wife's sensible idea of a relationship, regardless of how good you think your relationship is, you're missing out on what the rest of us enjoy.

    I agree with the typical wifey view many expect. The life that you are desperate to cling to doesn't actually exist for them. Sure, afford some leeway but being told what to do or being given permission is a relationship a child enjoys with a parent. I'm looking for adult love from my partners. Not a leash.

    I see so many here in turmoil about what they are allowed to do, scared or saddened because they have allocated control of their hapiness to someone else. Really? I love my wife, she makes me happy - a few positive words followed up by a regular diatribe to the contrary in various other posts about having your true self held hostage by these poor women you've decieved. Seen it before and lived in similar relationships. Break up, recommit whatever. Do something though.

  13. #13
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    Hi Judy,

    I'm going to join the chorus on the subject of counseling. I realize there are good counselors and bad ones just like with anything else but a good one can work wonders. My wife found out about my dressing about six months and it was a complete shock to her. I was lucky enough to find a great therapist who specializes in gender issues. I went by myself for the first two sessions and then approached my wife about joining me. It was difficult for me to even approach her but I'm so glad I did. It is really helping her to understand and accept this part of me and to come to terms that this isn't going away. After our last season my wife even commented on how much better the therapy makes her feel and she would like to continue it even if crossdressing isn't part of the discussion just because she feels there are other benefits of it. Your mileage may vary, and key for me was finding a therapist who specializes but the process has been tremendously beneficial to both my wife and I.

    Elizabeth

  14. #14
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    So sorry to hear this is still going on, but not surprised. It is a common path of consequences when such big things are revealed. I think it is more likely the deception rather than the dressing that is the problem. The dressing is a problem for her (and a majority of wives), but the deception, the hiding, and all that can mean is what bothers most women. Deception is often perceived as manipulation and in this day that is a huge downer for most women. Of course, the shame we often feel at some point in our journey is the driving force of the deception - it is a fear of rejection for doing something that is socially viewed as not quite normal. The more we hide it the worse the guilt becomes. But she doesn't see it the way it is, and, to be honest, you might not either. But there is little or no intent to manipulate; it is guilt and fear coming out of an expression that you need to do but are limited in doing. Vicious circle that pulls you down deeper and deeper and when the secret is revealed everybody gets wounded by the explosion of truths that are very difficult to understand.

    Again, I urge the two of you to go to counseling. There you can get to the core of the issue and there is a better chance she will understand and be willing to allow some kind of expression that at least addresses some of your needs. Judy, please, please, please consider this route. Neither of you deserve to be suffering this much over something that, although unusual, is not really abnormal. You have needs; she has needs and those gears are not meshing well right now. A third part with professional experience in helping people deal with personal and interpersonal conflict can really help you two find a common ground and go forward with a new understanding of each other.

  15. #15
    Mannequiniste ! Stacy Darling's Avatar
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    Best Wishes with this Judy! and keep that other 2% to yourself, I did.

    Walking on those egg shells for too long can really effect your nerves and quality of life as well. Counselling is recommended by my Psych and counsellor, but I go by myself (wife refuses to go). I thought by having the Psychiatric evaluation and counselling which my wife recommended, it may have eased the situation a bit. "But now know that it takes Two", I'll just keep going myself!

    Just try not to let it take too much of a toll on you personally. It's a really tough spot to be in, I'm there!

    At least I know I'm sane though,
    Sane Stacy
    STOP, Well I just dance the way I feel
    Stop breathing imagine none of this is real

    Well I just dance the way I feel
    Well I just dance the way I feel
    Well I just dance the way I feel
    "Ou Est Le Swimming Pool"

  16. #16
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    hi Judy

    I understand one of the reasons your wife is struggling. You have known about your dressing for a long time. She has only had two months to digest the news. She will have lots of thoughts going through her head, some as simple as why now, and others like why did you not tell me sooner.

    She may also have a feeling of not knowing your which may seem like betrayal to her. So you have to go along at her pace even though its slow. Try to keep talking on anything and you may find she has questions now that did not occur to ask when you first told her.

    Hang in there Judy I am sure having been married so long that you are strong enough to get through this together.
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  17. #17
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Your title says she's still not happy.
    My question is ... Are You?

    Sounds like you both have to work this out. No eggshells, just direct and honest. If you don't can you really live in this situation?

    Sorry for being so blunt, but when I came out to my wife at last I began the conversation with "We have a problem". It's the way I see it and for me it's true. It wasn't that I had a problem or she had a problem. We are in this together and if we can't work it out so that we are both happy then is this where we should be or should we just admit we made a mistake and move on separately?? I was lucky and through lots of crying, talking and time I now have the most understanding wife I could wish for. No more hiding, no more lying.
    If it had gone bad then I could not have stayed hoping things would change, that I could change, that she might change. I just couldn't hide anymore...can you?
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

  18. #18
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    Judy at least you were honest and came clean she can't take that away from you.
    Women want their men to be honest and "talk" about their feeling right? You did that so your part is done.
    Maybe its time not to just roll over to her whims and desires.
    Judy says that she told 98%...Probably the 2 percent left out "can't be explained" because Judy isn't comfortable with it. I think many here don't discuss "what drives it" so the entire discussion misses the serious part of the gender issues. Judy's wife takes the "dog house punishment"approach and that isn't going to solve anything. Perhaps if you were to explain yourself completely,in front of a "marriage helper" than she may see that the dog house isn't going to work and she needs to view this more positively. And,I will say again that DADT is the ultimate putdown. It treats the gender issues like they are a perversion.

  19. #19
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    Hi Judy,

    One more comment about counseling - your wife may be reluctant to go. She may feel "why should I go? You have the problem" or if she goes she may go with the expectation that you can be "cured". I think my wife may have thought that at one time but now she accepts that this is who I am. I'm sure we wouldn't have gotten this far without the therapy.

    Elizabeth

  20. #20
    Enby Member Krea's Avatar
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    Hi Judy,
    Sorry to read that your situation has still not improved lately.
    As a newcomer i can't offer any particular advice, but just wanna say that i really hope that in time things will improve for you & that you feel able to dress and be yourself again.
    Best wishes, Nic
    Last edited by Krea; 04-30-2017 at 09:08 AM.

  21. #21
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Ok...cat's 98% out of the bag....in my experience that means the cat is entirely out of the bag. Things have changed. More change is inevitable and uncertain.

    So now what? You know your wife...of all those years. Use that knowledge.

    Instead of walking on egg shells and trying to maintain a tense status quo, I would suggest that you do a baseline assessment. Anticipate various scenarios that might play out, from within the range of what you judge to be possible. (No use imagining something fanciful and impossible.) Next: imagine how you see each scenario playing out from your perspective, and separately, from your wife's perspective. Prepare yourself mentally to deal honestly and constructively with these scenarios. Then, take the most frightening step...ask to begin a conversation with a counselor if you think that might help maintain a civil tone.

    After that, all you can do is keep your head, listen and constantly adjust yourself to the emerging reality. You can't control it, but you can control how you respond, and that can make a difference.

  22. #22
    Member Veronica53's Avatar
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    I'm really sorry for you in your situation, it never does go away. I had the opposite happen a few days ago where my wife of coming on 41 years caught me in a satin nighty she said she suspected and we talked (couldn't have gone better) so there is hope

    Hang in there
    Veronica

  23. #23
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    Ok...cat's 98% out of the bag....in my experience that means the cat is entirely out of the bag. Things have changed. More change is inevitable and uncertain.

    So now what? You know your wife...of all those years. Use that knowledge.

    Then, take the most frightening step...ask to begin a conversation with a counselor if you think that might help maintain a civil tone.

    After that, all you can do is keep your head, listen and constantly adjust yourself to the emerging reality. You can't control it, but you can control how you respond, and that can make a difference.
    Kim,Perhaps this is why it was 98 percent and not 100 !

  24. #24
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Sorry for your rough situation but I think there are 2 good lessons here: 1) Yes, honesty is the best policy, but that doesn't necessarily mean your S/O will be accepting just because you're honest and 2) Being "honest" after you get caught doesn't really count and pretty much defeats the purpose.

  25. #25
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone. The reason why I said 98% Is that I told her I got rid of everything but I actually only got rid of three of the four boxes I had,which was not easy to do.
    Also I don't think I could tell her about this site.

    Today she told me that she has found that just about everyone she knows is (Two Faced).
    Up until now she thought I was an open and honest person.

    She says she loves me but plans on getting even with me so I know what it feels like?
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

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