Wife still not happy

[mechamoose]

I'm *WAY* late on this thread.

Sorry for your troubles. You did the right thing by being honest. It isn't over.. your journey or your job. Now what you need to do is help her understand why who you are is not a threat. You are just a person, the same one she fell in love with.

My wife and I have very different fashion ideas. She doesn't *see* most of the things I see. As an XX, she just views it as a liability, not as an expression. (Which is sad)

Have you seen 'The Expanse'? Shohreh Aghdashloo wears things I only wish I had or could pull off. So pretty. But those are things we appreciate because we don't like the boring stuff assigned to us and we just *pay attention*. We have taste. It is a positive feature, not a negative one

Just do what you are doing, and *talk* about it. Don't hide, it is too late for that and it would not help you if you did. As you said, you have been doing this since age 5. This isn't a part of yourself that you can discard. Perhaps she is mad because she does not understand it. As I said, your job isn't over. You need to help your partner understand that you are *still* her partner, and that you are still committed.

This thing we are should not ever end a relationship. I'm sorry it sometimes does. Just keep after it, show your dedication. Things will work out.

- MM

[Alice Torn]

Judy, I must say, you look fantastic in your avatars! I empathize with you. Never been married though. I have told women i was interested in, and they all were disgusted with me, and would no longer consider me. All i can say, is i know what "walking on eggshells" is like, from bad roommate situations, and my family of origin. I can only suggest writing a very heartfelt letter to her, telling all, and telling her you love her more than any other person, and want to still be her man, but have this "dressing thing" for life, and that you are willing to keep it hidden from her, but want to save the marriage. if she will not accept anything you wrote, or say, it may be better for both of you folks' HEALTH, to separate for a time, and if she is adamant, maybe divorce is the healthiest way. You could still be friends, while separated, and maybe make a compromise. It is hell on earth having to always walk on eggshells, destroys ones' health. Please consider both going to a counselor versed in our issues, also. If she is not adamant.

[Joni T]

Sure she feels hurt and upset. You've deceived her and lied to her the past 30+ years. What did you expect?!?!? She probably wonders what else have you lied about and been keeping from her. Once trust is lost, it takes a V-E-R-Y L-O-N-G time, if ever, to regain one's trust. Without trust, no relationship will survive. Maybe it's time to come clean and tell the remaining 2% to her. It's going to probably boil down to this: which is more important you--saving your marriage, or dressing. The only one who can make that choice is YOU.
Jon

[Stephanie47]

Maybe being denied intimacy is her way of getting back at you?

[Tina_gm]

Joni makes a great point about trust. Broken trust is often as big of a hurdle to climb, sometimes even bigger than the dressing itself. WE always seem focused on the fem/dressing aspects. Not that they aren't a challenge to many of our female wives or partners, but it is only a part of the equation.

[char GG]

Sorry, but in my opinion, you have an uphill battle. Keeping a secret like that for 35 years and then then not telling her 100% of the story is not going to help you.

Again, just my opinion, you should have told her before you were married. You took her choice away. If she knew before marriage and still married you, then you would both be in a better place now.

I had a conversation with one of my husband's CD friend's wife. She found out after seven years of marriage. Her reaction was that she felt trapped, deceived, tricked, and it took her many years to find acceptance.

So, what can you do? I don't know how you feel about your marriage but if you truly value your relationship, tell her how you feel about HER. If you love her, tell her. If you are sorry you kept the secret, tell her. If you can't stop dressing, tell her. If dressing is more important to you than your marriage, tell her. If your marriage is more important than dressing, tell her. Give her a chance to make a choice. You had your time to know how you felt about YOU but she didn't really know you, did she? Give her time to learn about the real you.

[Becky Blue]

Char, you like some wives say we should always tell before, but here is my question for you. I think this applies to Judy as well as many others. When we met our future SO's we did not feel the same as we do later in life. For example in my case when I met my future wife, I was a very very occasional fetish type CD. Many people have a sexual fantasy that perhaps they do not share with their SO's particularly at the getgo. We did not exchange our fantasies when we exchanged our vows. So I told her nothing as reality was there wasn't anything to tell.

It can be decades later that our feelings change and now what do we do? at what stage does it become a need to know?

[Tina_gm]

Becky makes good and often true points. Through our own denials and repression, we don't/ can't tell what we ourselves don't even recognise.

To the partner though, what good does that really do them? How fair is it to them we didn't know our own selves. And then can come a further concern. How do we know it won't go farther, how do we know our denial isn't blocking up from an even greater truth? It's a tough complicated road for all parties.

[Teresa]

Char,
I will back Becky on that point , we enter marriage not realising what it truly means, because we can't or won't talk about it the whole problem festers until it becomes unbearable , all that time we have deceived and lied to ourselves .

I did put this point on one occasion when I attempted to tell her I was born like it, In a fit of rage I told her you try it , being torn apart by something you can do nothing about , knowing part of you is female with female needs ! I have no ebb and flow it's 24/7 that is a truth that has taken me too long to come to terms with .

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks everyone,

Well the other night we made love and after I said "I thought I ruined your life".
She said couldn't stay mad forever.

Well now the wife and I seem to be back to normal.
I don't want to go back to sneaking around if the Pink-Fog starts calling me to let Judy out.

To be continued.

[Becky Blue]

Great to hear Judy, hopefully it gets better and better from here on in.

[Krea]

Hi Judy,
That looks like a real sign of progress. Hopefully things will continue to improve for you.
Best wishes, Nic

[AnnaMarie]

Well most people said be open and honest to the wife.

Sadly I don't always think that's the approach you should be taking. I'm going to get shouted down here but the ONLY person who knows YOUR relationship is YOU and your wife. How can anyone provide advice then they sit behind a computer screen half way around the world. Everyone has a different situation and a different set of circumstances. I thought long and hard about telling my wife which I did now around 12 months ago. For reasons I won't discuss on an open forum, in hindsight, this has probably hurt her more than not knowing. To anyone who says you will be caught out, that's not always the case. Support is great, but people need to be a little careful when they say you must do one things or another.
Doesn't help you now I'm afraid and sorry I can't offer any help but things do look like they are going in the right direction for you now which I'm very glad about.

[stephanie2000]

This forum is so great. So good to talk about real things in life. I feel for you Judy because this is real tough stuff. I pretty much agree with Ann Marie's outlook. Of course I am no one to give advice. I have a similar story, but as yet have never told anyone about my desire to dress or reveal the femme part of me. I won't shout you down Ann Marie I'll raise a glass and say cheers. You are so right everyone has a different set of circumstances. At this point in my life I am very careful. I just don't know how you can ever know if your SO will accept the situation. For me I could never see anyone in my family or friends accepting this part of me, which I have kept secret for a very long time and I plan to forever. I have gone in an out of the same relationship actually because of the uncertainty and desires to keep it hidden. I wish I could just wake up and be sure of which way to turn. Unfortunately I don't think it works that way and I feel like I will always struggle with the challenge of living in 2 separate worlds. But then again who knows...I certainly feel something strong in me to be more dressed these days than ever before.

Sadly I don't always think that's the approach you should be taking. I'm going to get shouted down here but the ONLY person who knows YOUR relationship is YOU and your wife. How can anyone provide advice then they sit behind a computer screen half way around the world. Everyone has a different situation and a different set of circumstances. I thought long and hard about telling my wife which I did now around 12 months ago. For reasons I won't discuss on an open forum, in hindsight, this has probably hurt her more than not knowing. To anyone who says you will be caught out, that's not always the case. Support is great, but people need to be a little careful when they say you must do one things or another.
Doesn't help you now I'm afraid and sorry I can't offer any help but things do look like they are going in the right direction for you now which I'm very glad about.

[Stephanie47]

AnneMarie, I agree with you. It's all about the personal relationship between a husband and wife. And, if it is premarital, then between a boy friend and a girl friend. I will say in this age it maybe wise to tell a woman before things get really serious. But, as evident even with Judy's story that little reveal may be ignored or written off as nothing serious because the woman truly does not understand what cross dressing entails. There have been threads here written with a lot of angst where there was full knowledge and even participation by the woman, who then does a total turnaround later. "Oh, I thought it was just a phase."

When reading these threads please be aware nobody on this forum is going to be around for any fallout when a reveal is done. Life experiences tend to be unique.

[Teresa]

AnnaMarie,
I understand your comments but surely that is the whole point of the forum , we can possibly help each other through our individual situations if we have enough facts. I personally feel the forum has served a very useful purpose in moving my situation forward. it's also helped in meeting another member and finally going out the door.
OK some members appear to join and for some reason upset the apple cart. I also know sometimes a row of cheerleaders isn't what's needed , a little straight talking and harsh truth is the only way to hopefully help a member see another point of view .

Stepahanie,
Often that fallout is a little more bearable when we can talk it through with like minded people . I know I have pushed much harder through forum support, but I have moved onto a happier situation, when I joined I was on a rocky rollercoaster ride, and never dreamed the person in my avatar would come into being . Ok I still don't know where my road will end but I know I have some good friends here to help me think it through .

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Anna Marie's comments are precisely on point. No need to reinforce her positions. From my experience about the reveal talk, I would have been much better had we not had the talk. Therapy & hours of subject talk have not brought any compromise optimism. The talk has & continues to hurt my wife. Hurray to all with understanding wives. You are so very blessed . We who are forced to live in the shadows know that we are the only ones who can assess the state of our marriages. I value everyone's advise & support up until the same gets judgmental. No one can criticize my position without walking in my heels.

[Teresa]

Melissa,
I admit it is very hard to escape from those shadows, but it just had to happen for me, OK my wife doesn't want to see me but with some support from forum members it gave me a way of finding a way through .

[Becky Blue]

Perhaps more people should say I decided to tell/not tell or whatever and what happened or did not happen. Sharing our experiences rather than telling people what they should do. No two situations are ever exactly the same.

[Kelly DeWinter]

A lot of really good points here, Becky said it best Share, not Tell your experience, and lest we forget, there have been times when a member is with an accepting Spouse/SO/Wife/Husband and things have changed to Non Accepting or worse.

(I really don't know how to use a , in a sentence)

[Tina_gm]

Perhaps more people should say I decided to tell/not tell or whatever and what happened or did not happen. Sharing our experiences rather than telling people what they should do. No two situations are ever exactly the same.

Very good point. If another member finds their particular situation to be similar they can gain more than just this is what should or should not be done.

Even though similar, we still cannot expect the exact same results. Maybe though it can at least point someone in a good direction, have realistic expectations, avoid some pitfalls that otherwise they may run into with simple this should be done, this shouldn't be done....

I'll never say or feel telling is ever wrong.... But, after 30 or more years of an otherwise good marriage or relationship, and the cder is NOT feeling distressed about their circumstances, telling at that point because the "board says so" might not be the best thing to do.

[Stephanie47]

Stepahanie,
Often that fallout is a little more bearable when we can talk it through with like minded people . I know I have pushed much harder through forum support, but I have moved onto a happier situation, when I joined I was on a rocky rollercoaster ride, and never dreamed the person in my avatar would come into being . Ok I still don't know where my road will end but I know I have some good friends here to help me think it through .

Sure, it may be a little easier to bear the consequences if there is a shoulder to cry on. Kind of like the local bartender? However, we still do not have to bear those consequences. I know in your situation you were really really suppressed by the circumstances of your marriage. There was a lot of pushing for you to move on in your journey. I did some of that push too. There was and I am assuming there is still friction between you and your wife. At least you're at peace with yourself and your kids have accepted you as you are. I don't know if your wife is happy with your blossoming.

My wife and I have not talked about anything concerning cross dressing for over thirty years. Oh, at that time I heard the comment "If I had known I would not have married you!" And, if we ever get divorced I'm going to tell everyone about your cross dressing. Later, she apologized and said even if we ever divorced she would not tell anyone. And, "I wish I had not told you about my past" which makes my cross dressing seem really really tame. Yes, she told me about her past before we married. It was a sit down I have to tell you something moment. She just blurt it out when she was under stress. Even her mother told her I was too good for her. I did not see her faults. If I had known how her issues would affect our marriage, I think most guys would have not married her. I saw past those issues. Maybe they were old baggage and not reflective of her current state. So, at the time I really felt like I got a kick in the balls. Here I accepted what a lot of people would call "damaged goods" and I'm told she would have not have married me. Her words were said during a time of angst. But, they are still engraved in my mind. Her little will go to the grave with me. Nobody knows but she and I.

Char, Judy has said in many threads she told her wife about some cross dressing before they were married. Did she choose to write them off as youthful goofing off? I don't think Judy expect her to invite Judy to sit down for dinner in a ball gown on Saturday night. I wouldn't expect that. But, I also would not expect a wife of 35+ years to continually talk to me negatively day after day. If you do not want to talk about it, then don't!

I've said it many times of this forum. Yes, maybe a wife or a long time girl friend is entitled to know about the cross dressing before the relationship really gets serious. But, it becomes very obvious to me, if a woman says she would drop you like a hot potato when the reveal is made and that reveal wipes out every positive thing about the man, then she is fearful of the societal norms and expectation transgressions of the man than the love of the man. There must be something really wrong with a woman who loves a man who likes to wear dresses. No? Rant over for the morning.

[reinasblack]

I don't believe that Everytime you should tell.
Some wifes will never get over it and feel it makes them less of a woman and you less of a man.

Some religious women it doesn't help to tell.
Women who try to compete with there peers are not good to tell.
I always weigh advice given here to be out and open with it.its not always good are ok.

I remember a girl telling me you are not a real women
,Like I was competing with her are something.

[Teresa]

Reinasblack,
The girl who made that comment was right , it's something I've been expecting a GG to say to me but it's never happened, even my wife admitted I'm part female which did surprise me. The competition element is an interesting aspect , my wife has never really bothered with her nails i noticed how good they looked the other day and told her so, she was even putting nail polish on later that day .I've also noticed she has stared to lose weight, she did get a shock recently when she realised we both weighed 147 lbs. and new dresses have started to appear in her wardrobe, with the instruction not to touch. I'm happy with my own things and my own style now anyway.

Stephanie,
Something is changing in my wife's attitude, I suspect she is discussing it with other people, her comments are broader and well thought out, and have a suggestion of greater acceptance. I brought this point up before in the forum, if talking to people helps her then it's none of my business unless she wishes to discuss it with me .

[AnnaMarie]

I don't believe that Everytime you should tell.

Indeed, my wife knows and doesn't accept my dressing at all. I now don't mention it when I'm going to dress. However due to family constraints the odd time I go out dressed to functions she's knows about it obviously.