New life, new start????

[Shaunda]

I am have been considering relocating and starting everything over fresh. I have mixed feelings. I have heard others say this was the greatest help to their transition. I would love to hear a little feed back from other about their experience

[Rianna Humble]

Shaunda, you will probably get a lot more response if you share something with us about what is making you think about relocating. You could also share something about your family situation and whether any of them know about your desire to transition and how they would feel about you leaving them behind.

I'm sure that you don't intend these questions to sound like research for a dissertation, but without any thing about your situation to which we can try to relate it will be hard for people to offer relevant experiences or advice.

[Georgette_USA]

I agree with Rianna.

Want to move because friends/family/work are against you. Moving means you will have no one to help or guide you. Sure you can have unidentified "friends" on-line.

Just what are you trying to get away from.

I can't really use my life as an example. My entire family had/has supported me. My work was also able to support me. I had no old friends as our family had moved before I transitioned.

Surely there is someone who can help/support you. Local TG support groups.

[jentay1367]

In my opinion, the only reason for social suicide is to not commit....well.....suicide. There's no reason to destroy your support system till you've come out and found out that support system doesn't exist. If that should occur and you come to the conclusion that those you love are more of an hindrance than an asset, the option to disapper will always be on the table. But I really don't see any good reason for a scorched earth policy till it presents itself as a necessary evil.

[Mirya]

My thoughts are that yes, it's generally a good idea to start over. In a way, people who knew you before your transition will always view you in the lens of your old male self. It may be that they accept you and support you as you are now, and try very hard at it, but the dynamics of your friendship will change to the point where you might not end up being as close as you once were simply because you're living as a different gender.

Personally I only have one local friend remaining from my life before transition. As for family and relatives - they abandoned me and I lost them all, except for two of them. It hurt a lot, especially at first, but I've moved on and found my new life to be much more fulfilling despite losing so many relationships from my past life. Living as my true self is beyond worth it, no matter the cost.

Two caveats though - if relocating means putting yourself into financial trouble, reconsider your timetable. For better or for worse, having money is one of the most important aspects of a successful transition. And if you live near a very large metropolitan area such as New York or some other big city, instead of moving, you can simply change your social circle and make friends with people who didn't know you in your old life. If you live in a smaller town or city though, I think it can be beneficial to plant seeds someplace new.

[grace7777]

I tend to be supportive of the idea of relocating and starting over. Having said that, you need to decide what you hope to achieve by starting over and also what you will lose in the process. You need to be realistic in doing this. It is easy to overestimate what you will be able to achieve. The more detailed you can be in how you will achieve your goals, the more likelihood you will be successful. Also, it is easy to take things for granted, so make sure you know exactly what you will be giving up.

One area where I am planning a fresh start is in employment. In the beginning of June I plan to start living as a woman 24/7, and I plan to also peruse new employment. I am now working in a temporary position out of state and plan to leave it at the end of May. I want to start new where I will not be known by my male identity. In planning this, I have been saving up financially, in case I do not immediately find a new position. Also, I realize the result could be doing something outside of my field for lower pay.

I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Grace

[JanePeterson]

I moved as part of my transition, and it's been the best thing that I could have done - starting fresh has meant no missgendering and no baggage, at the cost of some lonliness - I still keep in touch with my friends from Michigan, but I've made new connections here in DC and happier than I've ever been in my life. I also had a job when I moved, so I didn't have to look for work... But I wouldnt have done anything different were I to go back.

[Ceera]

When I embraced being gender fluid and started going out publicly en-femme, in my mid 50's, my only family member in the town I had lived the last 23 years of my life in was my supportive 18 year old daughter, who lived with me. All my local friends and neighbors knew me as a recently-widowed male, and all had known my late wife, as well as my daughter. My work consisted of a full-time telecommuting job where I never saw any of my co-workers or clients face to face, and I had stellar performance reviews. My supervisor had no problems with giving me time off to relocate, or with me changing time zones by two hours. At first I only slipped out of the house after dark, and I carefully avoided anyplace where people who might know me would be likely to be present. Over time, I became more bold about going out in daylight, or going to malls where I might be seen by earlier friends, but I still kept a hard division between my girl side's growing list of friends, and anyone who knew my male side. While en-femme I studiously avoided direct contact with my neighbors or male side friends. It really made it hard to relax about 'just being myself', even as I gained confidence and realized most people would not recognize that my two aspects were one person.

My decision to relocate was made long before I embraced my feminine side. I wanted to return to the state that most of my remaining family lived in, and to escape the hot Texas weather. My job was 'portable', I could do it anywhere that I had decent Internet access. I had just been waiting for our daughter to finish high school. But my new feminine side played a large part in exactly where I relocated to.

Just before moving to Texas, my wife and I had lived for 9 months in a liberal college town, about a two hour drive from the city I was born in, and where the rest of my close family lives. It was a good choice to return to. My daughter hoped to attend that college while continuing to live with me, and I could live as I pleased, without fear of bumping into other family or friends who knew my male side well. I could still visit the family members two hours away, but would have some control over when, if ever, they learned about me being Ceera. While I had a few friends in the new town, none had been close for over 20 years. So it was, for me, pretty much a fresh start.

I decided I would pretty much be fully out with everyone in my new town. They would know both Ceera and my male side as a new friend and neighbor, and anyone who noticed my male side's feminine aspects, or who asked if Ceera and I were the same person, would get an honest answer. And it has been wonderful for me, so far. The few old friends have met Ceera, and accepted her as a new friend, without recognizing her as me. My neighbors greet Ceera as a normal neighbor, and see me walking my very recognizable dog in either mode, and coming and going in either mode freely. A few neighbors have realized Ceera and I are the same person, and I discussed it with them and they accepted both sides of me. Several of my new friends also know and accept both sides of me. My new doctor knows my situation fully, and my optician knows me only as a woman, so far.

There will still be things to deal with for coming out to family and some of the old and new friends. But I feel that relocating helped me a lot in being free to make a new life for myself, where I am free to have pierced ears and keep my nails done full time, and live as I choose.

Establishing a new 'support network' of trusted people and service providers is always an issue when relocating. But it can be done. The key point is not to deprive yourself of support that you need to survive. Plan ahead, and make new support contacts before you move, if at all possible.

== Edited to add... ==

Adding one point. A down side of my move that I had not anticipated. Many months after making the move and buying a house in the new town, that 'portable' job of mine evaporated. I'd survived every employer layoff and 'reduction in force' for the past 23 years or more. But this time, I got caught in a blind sweep by upper management to cut higher-salaried employees across the corporation, regardless of what those people did or how good their performance reviews were. We're all easily-replaceable Lego bricks, right? They apparently figured the remaining people could just work harder, or they could fill in with younger, lower paid people. Well, the one thing I had not planned on with my move was where I might get a new job if I lost the one I had. Great town, but not many job openings for someone at my level, and in my field. I've been unable to find a suitable new job, after 8 months of looking. So it effectively forced me to retire, 5 to 10 years before I wanted to.

[Teresa]

Shaunda,
I find your question interesting, as it was something I felt had to happen if my separation had happened, both myself and my family would have needed that space knowing I was intending to dress full time and base a new life around it.
The thought of doing it and how to approach the various hurdles is still on my mind , I too would be interested in the replies of members who have taken that step.
Many thanks for posing the question.

[AllieSF]

I think that for some moving may be the best choice that they can make. However, for most, moving means possible starting over in everything, new work, new home, hopefully new friends, and most importantly new issues that may or may not be related to being trans. Think about that well time worn saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, until you get over there and realize that it is all weeds!". As others have said, staying and transitioning in place, which I assume is what your question is based on, has many benefits, the main one is you have lived and adapted to where you are. Maybe, except for your trans issues, you know how to live there among friends, family, neighbors and even strangers. You already know where to go for help, to play and to just chill. Also as someone said above, you may be expecting issues, but maybe they are not as major as you think, and you can retain or salvage a large part of your current life as you move forward. As for work, if you move and also need to find new employment, you are, in a way, giving up some of your hard won acceptance and respect at work for your capabilities and personality. In a new job, you may get a worse company, worse boss and work mates and may start lower on the pay scale than you should. Ask away, read the responses and then apply them to yourself and your own situation. I wish you the best of luck.

[Megan G]

This is definitely one of those issues that is very unique and personal to each and every one of us...

I chose to transition in place for a couple of reasons. First and foremost my spouse and I are still together and we have built a decent life together in a rural small town. The same town that I was born and raised in where everyone knows everyone. My son goes to the same schools I did and has also built a nice life and is very active in the local sports scene. So for us to pick up and move away would have been social suicide for all of us and before we made that decision I wanted to try my best to transition in place where we were all comfortable.

Has it been easy, hell no.....but it has it been worth the pain and misgendering in the beginning? HELL YES!!! It took time but life stabilized and over time the occasional dead naming or misgendering went away as I was accepted more and more and as I integrated into a much different position in life. I went from the hockey coach to just another hockey mom in the stands...

My work life (I did change employers, albeit not my choice) did give a glimpse into what it would be like if I had moved as no one knew the old me but I would never give up what I had worked so hard at in my personal/family life for that same feeling.

If I was single and without children my choice MAY have been different but again I love the area and small town life so my guess is I would have tried anyways...

With that said it's time to go make some appetizers for our year end hockey party tonight...

[Shaunda]

I really appreciate all the personal stories and views. I am single and have no children. My options are very open. Please keep your experiences coming.

[Suzanne F]

My story is similar to Megan's. I am still with my spouse and we have a wonderful son. I am lucky in that I live in the Bay Area. So transitioning in place was an option even if a difficult one. I was well known in my Aa community and also was active in a church. The church chose to end our relationship, but guess what? I have a great support group of many Trans and cis women now. I would not change that. Was it hard to face the world and say I was not really a man? Yes!!!!! But I wouldn't change the experience. I know what length I went to to be me!

[Barbara Dugan]

Relocating was always on my mind before starting transition but I decided to do it on the place that I feel more comfortable around friends and family I sure did lost some of both..but the ones that remain are been very supportive

[MarieTS]

Complete relocation with a fresh re-start in stealth was always my one and only plan. Ever since I was a pre-transitioned teen I intuitively knew I would never be fully accepted. I knew I would always be regarded as "that guy who got the sex change operation". Instead, I chose to be that new lady in town. It was a dream come true and I don't regret it. It sounds like your situation is different, Shaundra, but I can only answer based upon my own perspective.